That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

Hmm, so he covers up a spa day with a workmate he's not really close to? I'm sorry but I'd be seriously wondering if there's more between them. I know it might seem impossible, but I've come across numerous "happily married" (to a woman) men over the years who fool around with men on the side.

Also, he took a days annual leave for a hardly known work mate but nothing for you.

You are way down his pecking order aren't you?

Take care of yourself, really well, because he has demonstrated he will not.

YANBU

He knew it was 'wrong' in the sense that he made plans to do something with someone else on your anniversary, something you would have loved to have done with him yourself; it's why he wasn't truthful about what he was doing from the start.

I wouldn't be looking at him in quite the same way anymore ... I'd be taking a hard look. Has he slid into taking you for granted? Not that 'into you' anymore, a mere year into your marriage?

This is shitty behaviour and he knows it. I'd be fuming. Have you raised it with him?

Sorry OP, this is too weird. Are you sure he's not bisexual? My other thought is that perhaps it was a foursome - maybe there were two women there with them. It would be easy not to include them in photos etc. Either way, I don't think this was just an error of judgement (thoughtless man ha ha ha). I think this was planned and there's more to it than he's letting on.

Are there any photos with women in the spa that didn’t get uploaded, I wonder.

Is he conflicted about the relationship. It seems like a subconscious snub to you… Along similar lines, my ex went for dinner at a very romantic spot I’d mentioned I’d love to visit. Instead he took his friend. He also broke wedding gifts, supposedly accidentally. Looking back, I don’t think he wanted to be married to me; very sad. Trust your instincts and don’t rush into having children; and if he often leaves you feeling hurt, confused, uncared for, just end it. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

This is really not on. Even if he was apologetic and said “so sorry, I’ve got roped into this spa thing with Ben, let’s celebrate the day after” it would still be weird!!

It’s super weird. Dh actually quite enjoys a spa day. We’ve done several together. I cannot imagine him going off to sit in a sauna and relax having a cream tea with Bob from work who he doesn’t even socialise with except once a year at the Christmas party.

My question would be, since you saw him with his friend on social media, was he there only with his friend? Or was it Lucy the admin girl and Bob and his girlfriend?

Secondly, all other weirdness aside, it’s the fact that he had nothing planned for your anniversary, such that when a “last minute invite” from some random at work came through, he jumped at it. Was he planning to just never acknowledge your anniversary? Is he intentionally avoiding you or not wanting to even think about the milestone because he’s checked out? That’s much more worrying.

This.

He doesn’t see it as big deal

I've never heard of two men who aren't a couple going for a spa day. Unless it was a particular type of 'spa'.

This is really fucking weird. A spa day? With a work mate? This would be odd on any day. But on your first wedding anniversary? It’s like he’s trying to send you a particularly cruel message. In your shoes I’d be focused on what that message is.

Your husband spent his first wedding anniversary in a spa with a coworker he's not especially close to.

And your husband lied by omission about it.

Read that again. And again.

Your marriage is toast.

This is thoughtless at best, suspicious at worse. The fact he was trying to cover it up means he knows it’s not okay. It’s understandable to feel upset and disregarded.

I would be expecting him to make amends for this. I also think you should tread carefully as this behaviour isn’t trustworthy.

@Happyher if he just thought it was "just a day" he wouldn't have lied about what he was up to. He knew it was a shitty thing to do.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after.

"Ahh that's a shame, what you up to on that day?"

Why on earth did you feel this perfectly normal and reasonable reply would be 'pushing it'?

Is there an underlying problem with communication?

I shall show myself up here as being probably incredibly sexist and old fashioned but do guys typically go for spa days? Certainly it' outwith my experience.
And as a pp said : all day??
I dont think you are getting the full story OP.
I think his deviousness and lack of honesty and his dismissive attitude to your first wedding anniversary is very concerning. And that's on top of wondering exactly what is going on in his life.
So sorry about your disappointment OP.

Don't have babies with this man

Theres no way he thinks this is acceptable. He is definitely projecting here and hiding something. Dig deeper.

I don’t think men take birthdays, anniversaries etc., as seriously as women do. It’s just a day. Celebrate on a different day

@Haverviti the first year of being married is very special, so him just seeing it as another day is pretty shit.

A spa day with a work mate is an odd choice for a man xx

I realise it is sexist, but I can't believe he would rather spend the time in a spa with a not particularly close mate/colleague than with his wife of 1 year on their wedding anniversary. It sounds like a bad joke! What did they do, have facials and pedicures together?

Sorry OP.

May not be LTB territory but it’s definitely useful to find out what your husband is like this early in your marriage. Do you have children?

This should be the best of your relationship. If this is his best, is it enough for you? They usually get worse as time goes on so how do you picture him being in a few years time?

He’s shown a fantastically callous side that would be quite the turn off for me. To give you some background my DH told me 8 weeks before our 10th anniversary that he didn’t know if he wanted to get divorced then we all toddled off on our once in a lifetime holiday to celebrate our anniversary & a significant birthday for me. 1 year later and neither of us mentioned our anniversary and we’re limping on so we don’t put our kids through a divorce. The signs were there but I ignored them for a variety of reasons. I’m not too invested to leave. You have the option of getting out before you’re too entrenched. I’d seriously consider it.

Surely he wasn’t in the spa from 9am to midnight? I can see not turning down a freebie or going if it was a jolly during work hours, but only if you also celebrated together in the evening.
If he thought it was OK, he would’ve told you about it transparently.