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Original poster

That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

239 replies

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 12:56

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

OP posts:
DarkYearForMySoul · 29/08/2025 16:19

This sort of behaviour thrives on silence.
I’m sorry to say this but your DH needs a dose of reality via societal shame. I’d suggest contacting some friends and arrange to be out with them when he gets home. Then post a pic with a caption explaining you fancied celebrating your 1st anniversary but DH decided to prioritise fun with mates… luckily your mates came to the rescue

flatchestedonce · 29/08/2025 16:15

is there any chance he is secretly gay?

sorry I wrote this then saw it had been mentioned

reasons - secrecy, pretending mate isn't much of a mate / actual spa location aka it used to be saunas when cottaging was a big thing...

Rosscameasdoody · 29/08/2025 16:10

Pyjamatimenow · 29/08/2025 15:49

Probably gay.

Because he goes to a spa ? Really ?

Graphinette · 29/08/2025 16:04

Namechangerage · 29/08/2025 15:36

I don’t think I could remain married to him OP. Seriously.

I agree with this because I'm old, have worn a groove around the block and know that it doesn't improve.

He's lied and manipulated too. He has been 'thoughtless' in the past.

I think I would skip out of this marriage while it is a marriage of short duration and get divorced.

I don't think I would ever really be able to let this go and I would also assume that he is up to no good but even without that, he sounds moronic at best.

LatteLady · 29/08/2025 16:04

@Haverviti I think that the time has come for the expectations conversation so that this does not happen again.

"For my birthday, I expect you to take me out for dinner, buy me a present that you know I will enjoy and a card. For Christmas, I will give a list and you can surprise me from that but spend no more than £X. For Valentines a card and... Now, as you have cocked up our first anniversary, you will be making up for this during the rest of our time together..." My boss for his 20th anniversary conspired with the florist in his village to recreate his wife's wedding bouquet.

And now, you can tell me what you would like...

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 29/08/2025 16:02

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... he's gay. I'm sorry but there's not one straight man I can think of who would willingly want to go to a spa day with a male colleague. Never mind the fact that it coincided with his wedding anniversary. The fact he lied by omission and then made light of your upset is also a red flag. You need to do more digging and be prepared to uncover a whole other side to your DH.

16plusDC · 29/08/2025 15:52

I’d be wondering what else he’s doing behind your back.

Pyjamatimenow · 29/08/2025 15:49

Probably gay.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/08/2025 15:43

Married a year and already showing shitbag traits. If he didn’t think it was a big deal why didn’t he tell you instead of telling you he’d be ‘busy’? And if it was a last minute invite he clearly forgot about your anniversary or didn’t give a shit, or he wouldn’t have accepted it.

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2025 15:42

Not loving the deceit.

Flatulence · 29/08/2025 15:37

It's weird that he was sneaky.

If he thought it was no big deal why wouldn't he have just said "can't do that day as I've promised Dave from work that we'll have a spa day".

My husband is autistic and while he'd never cross the threshold of a spa he does do things sometimes which he genuinely can't understand why it might cause some annoyance/upset (e.g. going for a quiz night on my birthday because he always goes to said quiz night on a Thursday). But he's never sneaky about it.

The fact your husband hid it means he knew it would cause and issue. Otherwise he'd have just said.

Ask him why he was sneaky. I don't think it's necessarily sus for two straight guys to have a spa day (unusual, sure, but hey we like what we like) but the hiding IS sus.

Namechangerage · 29/08/2025 15:36

I don’t think I could remain married to him OP. Seriously.

Tillygan60 · 29/08/2025 15:34

Just weird...I'd say romantically involved and now he's cross that you've found out...

mintydoggyv · 29/08/2025 15:33

Endofyear · 29/08/2025 15:27

No you're not unreasonable to be hurt, I would have thought you would be his priority on your first anniversary! Also, I think it's a weird thing to do, have a spa day with his workmate? 🫤 I can't imagine my DH having a spa day with a friend from work! Are they close?

Yes not good at all , even to say can't be trusted and planning for a divorce may be in order , l mean a spa day , so what next girlfriends , maybe think of not making long term plans

user1492809438 · 29/08/2025 15:32

Make sure you are very busy/out of the country on his birthday.

myheadsjustmush · 29/08/2025 15:31

I'm sorry OP - that is a really shitty thing to do on your 1st anniversary.

Call me cynical, but it seems a bit suspicious to me. Your DH hardly ever sees this mate outside work, but all of a sudden he spends your entire anniversary day with him at a spa. 🤨

Sounds like a cover up to me - planned by your DH with his mate helping him. ☹

godmum56 · 29/08/2025 15:28

my usual question. What does he bring to the party? and yeah "spa day with a work colleague"? really?

Endofyear · 29/08/2025 15:27

No you're not unreasonable to be hurt, I would have thought you would be his priority on your first anniversary! Also, I think it's a weird thing to do, have a spa day with his workmate? 🫤 I can't imagine my DH having a spa day with a friend from work! Are they close?

Hardgum81 · 29/08/2025 15:24

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 13:07

Thanks everyone, it’s actually really validating to read your replies. I was sat here thinking maybe I was making too much of it, but clearly not.

To answer a couple of points - yes it was definitely a male workmate, I’ve met him before. They’re not especially close so that’s why it felt so weird. Like who randomly books a spa day with someone they don’t even see outside of work normally??

And yes, the lying/cover up bit is what’s really bothering me now. If he’d just said “X invited me to this spa thing, do you mind if I go?” I would still have been hurt but at least we could have talked about it. Instead I was led to believe he was just busy with work and then stumbled across it on Instagram.

We were together 3 years before getting married and he’s never done anything quite like this before, although he can be a bit thoughtless sometimes. I’m just floored that he didn’t see the importance of our first anniversary.

“He’s never done anything quite like this before” that you’ve found out about OP

PinkyFlamingo · 29/08/2025 15:20

It is not normal to go on a spa day with a friend on your first wedding Anniversary, in fact it's a really odd thing to do as a man to.

IwanttotakeyoutoaNailaBar · 29/08/2025 15:16

Wildfairy · 29/08/2025 15:13

I’m sorry op, but that’s wild, two blokes from work go on a spa day together, and your issue is he lied and missed your anniversary, not he’s sneaked of with some man he’s apparently not that close to, to spend a spa day together. Cos yes that totally common place. I’m afraid I’d also assume they were a couple.

Weird.
Did he get a card or present at least - on the day?

I’d pull back. Chanel his energy. If he makes a fuss about you going out with your friends every weekend there may be hope. If he doesn’t care theres a deeper problem.
You’ve been married a year, you should be all over each other.

Flossflower · 29/08/2025 15:16

I just find it weird that you would tell your wife you are ‘busy’ without saying why.

Doyouremembergirl · 29/08/2025 15:13

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 12:56

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

I know what I'd be doing from now on, playing the pretend normal game.Not a mention of our wedding anniversary or the spa day. Let him think all is forgotten now. Then one day, I would watch his mate leave work, and, follow him. Hoping to catch him going to the supermarket, the chippy, the shop, the doctors etc. Then, I'd whizz in there after him and do the "fancy seeing you here routine!" Make a bit of small talk, then hit him with "did you have a good time on your spa day"? And, stand back & wait

Wildfairy · 29/08/2025 15:13

I’m sorry op, but that’s wild, two blokes from work go on a spa day together, and your issue is he lied and missed your anniversary, not he’s sneaked of with some man he’s apparently not that close to, to spend a spa day together. Cos yes that totally common place. I’m afraid I’d also assume they were a couple.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 29/08/2025 15:08

Haven't read all the replies just yours OP.

You're bound to have been upset, especially as it was your 1st anniversary but had he of really wanted to go fine.

It's his attitude that would have pissed me off, not discussing it, I very much doubt it was that last minute and he could still have been home at a decent time, wine/takeaway in hand.

I'd have pulled him up on that alone just to be clear to him and let him know that he can knock it on the head as it's not something you'll stand for.

Hopefully you're not in a rush to have a child with your DH because there's a chance you're seeing what your future will be like.
Take note....
I always advise forethought is so much better than hindsight.