That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

I would be very suspicious.

It's likely he'll be doing a lot more in future with this casual work mate.

As a bloke, I'd definitely be thinking your husband is gay. Time for a talk

This is really odd behaviour from your husband.

First thing that concerned me on your post was that you said you didn't want to push it by asking him what he was up to when he was busy. It's a worry if you do not eel like you can ask him questions without him jumping down your throat. Is that the case?
Also if either my partner or I have plans we always tell the other what it is and check that the timing works with the other person, not for permission but out of courtesy and respect.
The fact you didn't know what he was upto until you saw posts from the other person is bizarre. Do you feel like this could have been a deliberate cover up?
Also he gaslit you when he said you were making a big deal and it's just a day.
It was your first wedding anniversary and he was more concerned about cancelling on a colleague, than disappointing his wife? 🚩🚩🚩
So so random he would choose a spa day with him over you...if you're afraid to ask more questions I'd maybe ask yourself why.
Good luck .

I don’t think I could ever look at him the same. I think you deserve a better life partner. Chances are, he’s going to leave you at some point anyway.

Totally out of order.
Two men at a spa is very odd but on your first anniversary too!
My husband would possibly be at a Spar but only to get me choccy, flowers and a card but then he’s not a thoughtless k**b. He’d actually get me lovely flowers, gift and take me out somewhere.
Sorry you’re upset, you deserve better.

It's all very well some saying that 'special' days like anniversaries or birthdays don't mean the same to men but if he knows it's special to you, then he's being totally dismissive of your feelings. Is he the same on birthdays and Valentine's Day? Or did you have a discussion in the beginning that neither of you were going to get upset about such days? I'm guessing not otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for our thoughts. Maybe take a good hard look at the rest of your relationship and decide if this is what you want. Personally I'd feel the same as you. It's not much to ask that they make an effort especially if they know it means a lot to you.

He's either gay or bisexual, it's too much of an odd thing to do without another explanation

I too am sorry this has happened to you. In the process of divorcing my now gay husband I’m warning from your words there are serious points to consider. Is he gay? As I’ve never heard of a newly married man going on a spa day. Also why the lie? Is this symptomatic of a bigger picture. Don’t kid yourself please & challenge him if you have doubts.

That’s shocking, OP.

Sorry you’ve had a crap anniversary, OP.
I hope you’ve had time to think about things and chat to your husband.

1. Going to a spa doesn’t mean you’re gay. True that whenever I’ve been to spas the groups or pairs of men have been very much in the minority. I’ve never assumed they are are gay though.
2. Your husband has prioritised going to the spa with this man over you. The issue is how and why. Did he forget the date of your anniversary? Then was asked and didn’t want to let down the mate? In which case he needs to understand that he was wrong to think it’s ok to upset you and not let this man down. Does he think ‘in the minute’ and not look at consequences? If you love him and this isn’t the norm, can you move on from this- has he understood yet and apologised for basically being a shit husband on this occasion? His actions from now on are what counts. or is this guy an alibi? Or is it a relationship? Maybe he doesn’t feel that dates are significant, anniversaries, birthdays etc in which case don’t get your hopes up or have any expectations on events. Match his energy. too early to jump to LTB. (sorry, lots of rambling thoughts here)

Very , very odd thing of him to do to be Perfectly honest ..
Also , when he came in that eve did you two not converse about your day , like how was work , bla bla ?
That morning did he not say Happy Anniversary, did you not see him pack a bag for the Spa ?
I’m just a little confused here ..

Same as this! I've only ever seen male couples, m / f couples or female friends on spa days. I know a male in work goes on his own but I've never even seen men on their own.

Literally know no man who goes to a spa with a male colleague. Never mind one who he is not close to. On his wedding anniversary. Without his wife. And lies about it.

Man here. I would find going to a spa with another man a bit strange.

I think your sentence ‘so I didn’t push it’ is very telling. Unless he’s a spy, people in a committed relationship should be able to ask each other about weekend plans, and expect an answer. This is such a low bar to fail at.

Really odd behaviour you have every right to be pissed off this might be your future anniversary’s never celebrated he’s in the wrong but putting it on you he’s a selfish prick who deliberately went off on your special day.

The only way my DH would go to a spa day would be a coupley thing with me. Going with another man on your anniversary is sus.

Sounds like he is already taking you for granted.

1. its perfectly reasonable to ask your spouse if they really need to miss your first anniversary.
2. your husband’s behavior very much indicates he is having an affair

I go for quite a few spa days. In expensive places and cheaper places. I’ve never seen 2 men together at a spa. If I did, I’d assume they were gay. Are you sure he was there with the work colleague?

I mean - DH and I forget our anniversary every single year, so not the best to be weighing in on this. But the difference is it doesn’t mean much to us - it obviously does to you.

Did you actually verbalise that importance to him?

DH and I got lucky in that we don’t care about much bar birthdays and Christmases…but those are more important to me by far. DH would be happy with a sandwich on Christmas Day and no decorations. That won't fly with me. But it’s taken years and a few conversations to make him realise that maybe he needs to show up for these because I value them.

If you seemed chilled about him doing something else on the day through your assumption he was working and he’s one of those that doesn’t rate these kinds of things, he probably didn’t think it was a big deal. Talk to him - you guys have only been together for 4 years. Time to start having these kinds of conversations.

You've every right to be upset. He knows it was out of order but the deception is even worse than missing the anniversary.

Man here. Probably toxic, but I would literally have pins pushed in my eyes than go for a spa day - with a man. Wife ?, under silent protest. Depending on how much they were looking forward to it.

Is he gay?

I would not be celebrating a 2nd anniversary

This is so weird for various reasons.

1. If a close friend had asked him, I’d have expected him to say he couldn’t as it was his first wedding anniversary and that would have been understood by all as a good reason.
2. It’s not a close friend, so why would he care more about declining to do something with him than something with you?
3. It wasn’t last minute - he had several days to think about it.
4. Who paid for it? Would he usually view a spa day as a good way to spend money? If so, wouldn’t he rather do it with you? And if you don’t have enough spare cash to celebrate your own wedding anniversary together, why is he blowing it on a spa? And if it was a treat, why is a man he knows from work treating him to a spa day rather than any other close friend or relative or partner?
5. Why didn’t he mention what he was doing and check you were ok with him missing your anniversary?
6. Why didn’t he mention the spa at all, even after he came back from it? What’s he hiding it for?
7. Was it definitely just the two of them?

OP, two men going for a spa day together when one has a wedding anniversary and is keeping the trip secret from his wife is not normal. Don’t let him try to make out you’re the one who is BU here.