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Original poster

That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

239 replies

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 12:56

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

OP posts:
TheFunDog · 31/08/2025 01:18

Wow .. Just wow. ... This is not good.
I'd run for the hills... You're gonna get really hurt so get out now xx

MillieMinx · 31/08/2025 00:16

That would be our first and last anniversary. That was a complete dick move and I’d be wondering if he’s actually gay

Silverfoxette · 30/08/2025 23:31

You are not being unreasonable

Munkyfuzzable · 30/08/2025 23:31

Happyher · 29/08/2025 13:28

I don’t think men take birthdays, anniversaries etc., as seriously as women do. It’s just a day. Celebrate on a different day

What about the lying and gaslighting? Claiming it was ‘last minute’, but he knew a week in advance to tell her he was ‘busy’. Then, he twists it so that her upset becomes an ‘overreaction’, which makes her question whether she is right to be hurt. It’s beyond ‘men not taking birthdays, anniversaries etc as seriously as women do’. He’s an asshole.

Shade17 · 30/08/2025 22:38

londongirl12 · 29/08/2025 13:56

Straight men don’t go to spa days together. They just don’t.

My best mate (of 25 years) and I have semi-seriously joked about it before, suggesting that we could go for 3-4 days of R&R at a spa or retreat. Might be something we do eventually for the mental health boost. We’re both straight and happily married but I can guess it might look odd from outside.

ThistleTits · 30/08/2025 22:32

Happyher · 29/08/2025 13:28

I don’t think men take birthdays, anniversaries etc., as seriously as women do. It’s just a day. Celebrate on a different day

Perhaps, although he should be aware that his wife takes it seriously. Selfish, sly behaviour.

Chinsupmeloves · 30/08/2025 22:16

Your first wedding anniversary and he does this? Sorry, this is unacceptable 😢 Those first few years are the most special as it's all still so new.

Many years later me and DH are aware of it and don't pull the flags out but do try to make an occasion of it. Xxx

Busybeemumm · 30/08/2025 22:03

Did he have any intention of telling you that he went on a Spa day when he came back? I wouldn't have told him straight away that he was seen on Instagram to see if he says anything or stays quiet about it trying to hide it.

It's really hurtful that he didn't mark your first anniversary with you. Men don't just randomly go to a spa with a work mate.

TheGlitterFairy · 30/08/2025 21:28

Yeah wow - def not ok on so many levels. I’d be livid quite frankly

Grimandbearit · 30/08/2025 21:21

2 straight men don’t go to a spa together, unless it’s for happy endings, or go with women.
To choose to spend the day with a coworker instead of his wife on your FIRST anniversary, raises all the red flags.
Don’t waste any more of your time with this man please! A few years ago, my friend found out her DH of 5 years was actually sleeping with his male friend and they divorced. Unfortunately, my friend and he had a 2 yr old son. Don’t make her mistake…

ChilledBeez · 30/08/2025 21:20

Sorry OP, but this is really disturbing. The fact that its your 1st anniversary and he chooses to spend it with a man on a spa date is extremely weird. The fact he was deceitful about it makes it so much worse. It really does sound as if he is bi-sexual. Having a spa day with a male is weird in itself but the fact he dismissed our first anniversary makes it alarming. I would ask him if he is bi-sexual. You really need to know to protect yourself.

FattyMcFattyArse · 30/08/2025 21:17

Very. Very. Odd.

When invited, he should have said, "sorry that's my wedding anniversary. Maybe another time".

Was he reluctant to tie the knot?

It shouldn't be so, but straight men don't go to spas with other straight men.

And anyone who bins off their spouse for a work acquaintance is a selfish shithead.

Mamamiaaaaa · 30/08/2025 21:12

Ummm…maybe he’s gay?? Goes with a male colleague to a spa date without his wife on his first anniversary…seriously might be in the closet

MomGran · 30/08/2025 21:00

I am so sorry to read this post.
His behaviour has shown you that he is not in love with you.
What are you going to do about it? You will never get the answer you want to hear, from him. It will be a draining and humiliating experience for you.
You are married only a year, no children, still easy enough to write it off.
When you do that, you will open the door for a new life with someone who truly loves you and who treats you well.
Trust your gut xx
Wishing you every happiness.

CommonAsMucklowe · 30/08/2025 20:56

Chazbots · 29/08/2025 13:00

Is he gay?

My DH is pretty shit about events, presents, etc but is a nice guy and importantly does not lie to me....

I let most things go but this would be very problematic for me. You've only been married a year!

That's what I thought, lavender marriage!

Jollyhockeystickss · 30/08/2025 20:56

' i didn’t want to cancel on him' why didnt he want to cancel on this work colleague he doesnt know that well, so he doesnt care about you but he didnt want to cancel on him...if there was nothing in it he would have told you, hes lied how do you know hr hasnt lied before, i would be googling this guy and look at his socials to see is he gay or straight, also again as eveyone else has said what guy posts on instagram they have been to a spar unless they are gay, and everyone at work knowing the 2 of them going to a spa together, i think they planned to go together from the start, have they been before and was it happy ending massage or men only spa ie gay spa, i would want the name of the spa

ForLilacShaker · 30/08/2025 20:49

I think you should celebrate your wedding anniversary with your friends, instead of celebrating with him see how he likes it 😉

IamMoodyBlue · 30/08/2025 20:38

It seems very strange to me OP.

Anniversaries & birthdays are often a bone of contention in relationships. They may mean more to one partner than the other. I personally learned never to expect much & largely that was what I got.
One year, a promise of going out for a Chinese meal. Yay!
We did
18 months late.
That's not a typo, 18 months!
I was not impressed.

susiedaisy1912 · 30/08/2025 20:36

He’s gay or bi

LBFseBrom · 30/08/2025 20:27

Op, read up on men only spa days. Then have a look on Grindr.

Lastofthesummerwine · 30/08/2025 20:22

mindutopia · 29/08/2025 13:38

It’s super weird. Dh actually quite enjoys a spa day. We’ve done several together. I cannot imagine him going off to sit in a sauna and relax having a cream tea with Bob from work who he doesn’t even socialise with except once a year at the Christmas party.

My question would be, since you saw him with his friend on social media, was he there only with his friend? Or was it Lucy the admin girl and Bob and his girlfriend?

Secondly, all other weirdness aside, it’s the fact that he had nothing planned for your anniversary, such that when a “last minute invite” from some random at work came through, he jumped at it. Was he planning to just never acknowledge your anniversary? Is he intentionally avoiding you or not wanting to even think about the milestone because he’s checked out? That’s much more worrying.

This reply sums it up perfectly.

His behaviour is screaming “affair”

I’d be doing some VERY deep digging ….

BooneyBeautiful · 30/08/2025 19:55

Rightandwrong · 29/08/2025 13:30

I shall show myself up here as being probably incredibly sexist and old fashioned but do guys typically go for spa days? Certainly it' outwith my experience.
And as a pp said : all day??
I dont think you are getting the full story OP.
I think his deviousness and lack of honesty and his dismissive attitude to your first wedding anniversary is very concerning. And that's on top of wondering exactly what is going on in his life.
So sorry about your disappointment OP.

Edited

I was thinking that. I have never known a man go on spa day.

MeridianB · 30/08/2025 19:54

This should still be very much in the honeymoon phase. But on your first wedding anniversary he has shown you who he is….. by spending the day at a spa with his boyfriend colleague then lying about it.

Time for a serious talk.

NameChange23456790 · 30/08/2025 19:48

Wow

Moonlightbean123 · 30/08/2025 19:47

I can only think of one word for a man who chose to go to a spa with another man over spending time with his wife celebrating their anniversary, and then gaslight her on top instead of being sorry.