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Original poster

To ask for pithy but classy comeback for SIL?

233 replies

YoYoYoYoSigh · 29/08/2025 10:43

I've always struggled with my weight. I'm currently 8.5 stone down, up from 11 stone down 12 months ago 😬.

My not-darling-SIL is obsessed with weight and body image small talk.

I hardly see her, but there's a family event soon and I know one of the first things she'll mention is some sort of snide comment on how well I look. To clarify, she's not the type to give a compliment, only a back handed compliment. She'll often do that disengenous shit where she disparages herself (god, I'm just feeling such a heifer atm) when she knows that my comparative are much worse. It's all done to make me feel shit. And it hurts but I'm trying to change my mindset to she her as tedious.

So she'll definitely mention my/her weight when we meet to draw attention to my struggles and to unsettle me.

I want to go high and stay classy, but I also want her to subtly know that I know her game.

Is there any approach I can take that won't be inappropriate in a celebration setting.

I'm stronger now thanks menopause (ex people pleaser/ feelings smotherer) but I'm still letting her niggles have power over me. 🥲

OP posts:
FattyMcFattyArse · 30/08/2025 22:28

Head tilt. Pitying look. 'Oh, bless'. Walk off.

Mikki77 · 30/08/2025 22:05

catgirl1976 · 29/08/2025 10:45

“You know Susie, I do find it strange that someone else’s weight takes up so much space in your head. Are you quite alright?”

Use this, it's perfect 👍🏻

JoeyJava · 30/08/2025 22:02

Catch her when she's alone, take her aside and calmly and softly say something along the lines of "Hi, I'm sorry to be asking/saying/being so awkward/direct about this, but... Would you mind if we stop commenting on each other's weight/bodies? It's just that I don't really like drawing attention to/that kind of feeling of focus on it/them? I don't mean anything nasty by it, it's just that I'd massively appreciate it."

I know, it feels hard to actually do it, and you'll still feel bad when you actually do, but you sound close enough to be able to have this mature conversation.

When it's people that are more... Distant... I'm still stuck at trying to grin and bear it. And probably stay silent and avert my gaze to try to delay getting pissed off by them.

Best of luck 🤞

MellersSmellers · 30/08/2025 21:33

So as not to sour a social.occasion, how about just "oh thank you, that's very kind!" (Knowing full well she isn't being kind...)
And if she throws in the heifer comment ' well, if I can do it, anyone can!"

Speckly · 30/08/2025 21:06

”Your obsession with weight is a bit worrying but please don’t make a you problem a me problem”

Carpedimum · 30/08/2025 19:45

“I’m striking a balance, being too slim can be terribly ageing.”

Olaeverybody · 30/08/2025 19:30

I’d reply. “Mmmm”, and look like you’re giving whatever she’s said a moments thought. Then completely change the subject?

Justaspy · 30/08/2025 19:30

Yawn after she says anything then ask her to repeat herself.

DarkModeOnAgain · 30/08/2025 18:51

'Gosh SIL, you do seem to have some unresolved issues about body weight - you circle back to it so often!'

BouleBaker · 30/08/2025 18:50

You cannot control her behaviour, but you can control your reaction to it. I would make a mental list of all the things you expect her to do, and if she reaches a critical number of them you are allowed to reward yourself in some way, buying something to treat yourself for example. Then every thing she does to hurt you is actually building up to you getting a treat. It changes your mindset and becomes an amusement rather than a trap. Your reaction of pleasure to her barbed comments will also confuse her.

SuzieQ300 · 30/08/2025 18:26

Get yourself dolled up, just think be confident and bat any comments off with a smile. You being happy and confident is the biggest 2 fingers up. She sounds very insecure, pity her.

QueenOfHiraeth · 30/08/2025 18:24

I have a friend from one of the southern states of America. Her response to anything like this is "Oh bless your heart". This can be interpreted as anything from a positive "Bless you for your kindness" through to "You are a total fuckwit". I love it so much I often think it in my head when an outward response is not appropriate Grin

CleaningAngel · 30/08/2025 18:18

YoYoYoYoSigh · 29/08/2025 10:43

I've always struggled with my weight. I'm currently 8.5 stone down, up from 11 stone down 12 months ago 😬.

My not-darling-SIL is obsessed with weight and body image small talk.

I hardly see her, but there's a family event soon and I know one of the first things she'll mention is some sort of snide comment on how well I look. To clarify, she's not the type to give a compliment, only a back handed compliment. She'll often do that disengenous shit where she disparages herself (god, I'm just feeling such a heifer atm) when she knows that my comparative are much worse. It's all done to make me feel shit. And it hurts but I'm trying to change my mindset to she her as tedious.

So she'll definitely mention my/her weight when we meet to draw attention to my struggles and to unsettle me.

I want to go high and stay classy, but I also want her to subtly know that I know her game.

Is there any approach I can take that won't be inappropriate in a celebration setting.

I'm stronger now thanks menopause (ex people pleaser/ feelings smotherer) but I'm still letting her niggles have power over me. 🥲

Say to her 'does being unkind to people come easy yo you or do you have to practise '
Then walk off and don't engage in her crap

hcee19 · 30/08/2025 18:02

When she comes at you with a underhand comment, tell her, you know you look good, plenty of people tell you all the time. ...and that you love the attention it brings just like you are doing right now.....Don't forget to smile at all times...good luck

Muffsies · 29/08/2025 21:43

Flo747 · 29/08/2025 19:57

“Ah yes, middle aged spread.”

🤣

KatyN · 29/08/2025 21:21

JimJonesLivesInMyHead · 29/08/2025 10:54

Make a SIL bingo card with all her usual phrases on it and every time she says one pull it out in front of her and say "yeeeeesss almost a full house!"

God I'd have so much fun....

We used to do this with my grandma! Not obviously as she was a darling old lady who we dearly loved. But also there were some comments she made which needed tongue biting to not respond.

knowing we were all waiting for the comment about reading the obituaries to spot her friends made it less upsetting when she did.

Flo747 · 29/08/2025 20:50

Flo747 · 29/08/2025 19:57

“Ah yes, middle aged spread.”

Just say what my nan always says when someone has gained a few pounds.

“you’re looking well.” 😆

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 29/08/2025 20:22

Just tell her how brave she is with her dress sense, latest hairstyle, make up style etc.

Flo747 · 29/08/2025 19:57

“Ah yes, middle aged spread.”

JJMama · 29/08/2025 18:31

You could always do the classic Mumsnet head tilt and tinkly laugh.

I’d do this and ask her if she’s okay - draws attention to her barbed comment but you just look caring. It’s a classic Mumsnet passive aggressive move.

JJMama · 29/08/2025 18:29

JimJonesLivesInMyHead · 29/08/2025 10:54

Make a SIL bingo card with all her usual phrases on it and every time she says one pull it out in front of her and say "yeeeeesss almost a full house!"

God I'd have so much fun....

Me and my sister do this with our mother when we see her; tick off each negative or nasty comment as we go. My sister has been there most of the day today, and has a Full House!

Original poster
YoYoYoYoSigh · 29/08/2025 17:34

Apologies I posted and then headed to my day job, didn't expect this level of response, so thank you all, there's much food for though dya see what I did there?

To answer a few questions yes I lost 11 stone and then put 2 5 stone back on in 18 months (not a year as typed above). I cannot remember the last time I saw her, but probably am about a stone heavier than then. I tend to wear floaty dresses so she probably won't notice any difference. BUT whatever my weight it's entirely predictable that one of the first things out of her mouth will be about weight. Sigh

I've read through everything and I definitely agree going high, ignoring, blatantly changing the subject or asking her to repeat herself will be the best approach.

I've memorised (hahaha I'm menofug) a few but I'd probably blend a few responses in my tension and appear nonsensical 😂.

I'll move away from her after the obligatory small talk.

She's DH's brother's wife (so technically not a SIL?) and 21 years older than me.

I'm having my hair styled in the morning to make me swish with confidence and I'll be wearing a wrap dress to empathise my killer buzzom.

My strategy is empty glass of fizz in my hand for tactical excusing myself for refilling, offering to help craft and distribute the hot beverages, and I'll research the IMF's latest thoughts on the Global Economy's tenuous resilience amid persistent uncertainty to enforce a subtle change of subject.

DH will not be there sadly, so bingo card will have to be at the post event debrief.

OP posts:
Autumn38 · 29/08/2025 17:08

If she disparages herself you could say ‘Cathy you really shouldn’t talk that way about yourself you know. If I thought things like that about myself I’d feel really down. I do feel lucky that I love loads about my appearance and I tend to focus on that’. With a lovely kind, generous and slightly sympathetic smile.

CoffeeCantata · 29/08/2025 16:52

Look at your partner and wink. Then look down and try to hide a smirk. That will unsettle her.

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