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Original poster

Raising Kids Bilingual-Trouble with Grandparents

135 replies

bilingualbabies · 28/08/2025 22:29

Posting as I’m genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable to want my parents to be more accepting of the fact that we are raising our kids bilingual. For background, my parents are extremely insecure and can be very controlling in their behavior. That said, I still love them and want to maintain a relationship with them.

We live in the U.K. and they are in the U.S. Husband’s native language is Spanish and my Spanish is decent. I’ve always valued multilingualism and learning about other cultures so we were both very keen to teach kids Spanish. We live in an area where there are few Spanish speakers so it’s really down to us to help the kids learn, so we’re really focused on getting them to speak it in the house as much as we can. My youngest child is just learning to speak so this is extra important and we encourage our older child to speak Spanish with the little one too.

Recently my parents have fixated on this as they’ll hear the kids speaking in Spanish when we video chat. Or the little one will say a Spanish word. We normally translate but we might miss things from time to time if the kids are chattering to themselves and we are talking to my parents. Their perspective is they feel left out and want to know what the kids are saying. Our perspective is we want the kids to know Spanish and feel proud of that part of their culture/heritage. The oldest always speaks in English to her grandparents. She’s old enough to know how to code switch. She will speak Spanish to her dad/my husband sometimes but it’ll be something like “Can I watch TV?” or something irrelevant to the conversation with my parents. Or husband might walk into the room during a video call and naturally speak Spanish with the kids as we’re literally in our own home.

We only visit once a year at most so not much in person interaction, but it’s really stressing me out on how to respond. I understand them wanting to understand the kids, and we’re happy to translate if they ask what was said and usually do this automatically. But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out.

So AIBU? If anyone’s been in a similar situation I’d really like to hear what you chose to do and how things worked out.

OP posts:
GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 28/08/2025 23:08

DH is Spanish, I'm fluent and DS is bilingual.

DS is an adult now, but I don't really remember any problems like this with either set of grandparents. All GPs were monolingual, but they all seemed to find it adorable when DS spoke "other" language in their presence. As he got older he obviously knew to switch depending on who he was with. DH spoke in Spanish with DS , but would switch to English with my parents. I spoke in English to DS , Spanish to Spanish GPs. Oftentimes there would be a short exchange that someone didn't understand, but we'd quickly translate and like I say it was never an issue. All GPs loved to pick up the odd word themselves too😅

I don't really understand your parents insistence on one hundred percent English. The odd thing in Spanish is part and parcel of bilingual grandchildren and actually something to be proud of

That said, you can never really change someone else's attitude, just your reaction to it. I'd try not to let it bother you. As your kids get older things will become easier anyway.

AcquadiP · 28/08/2025 23:05

I think it's fantastic you're teaching your kids to be bi-lingual, the language is an important part of their heritage. In addition, learning to switch with ease from English to Spanish means they'll almost certainly be good at learning other languages too. This will stand them in good stead at school and also, possibly, in terms of career opportunities too. I worked for an Italian company in which the English finance director was fluent in Italian (one of his parents was Italian and like your children he was raised to be bi-lingual.) I started to learn Italian and my efforts were very much appreciated by the Italian directors of the company. Tbh, I think your parents are being quite rude to your husband to insist on English being the only spoken language. Why don't they learn to speak some Spanish and has some fun with the kids instead?

PorridgeAndSyrup · 28/08/2025 23:03

We are trying to raise our children bilingual. It is bloody hard, people assume all you have to do is talk to them in that language and they’ll pick it up, but in reality it’s a constant battle against ease, convenience and negative attitudes (real or imagined) towards the minority language.
You are doing what’s best for your children. You’re already doing amazingly well to have Spanish as your children’s dominant language in a predominantly English speaking country (as I’m sure you know they will probably end up leaning more towards English as they go through school, make friends etc.) so you’re giving them a good base to be truly bilingual.

it is completely unreasonable to expect children that young to never speak their native tongue around certain people. As in, cognitively it is not a skill they can be expected to master. Plus I hate to think how that negativity, seeing Spanish as something they should be made to feel wrong for speaking, will affect how much they want to continue speaking it growing up. Children are extremely sensitive to things like that. Of course the children should be encouraged to include everyone in the conversation, and not exclude anyone, but it’s a bit pathetic for grown adults to get upset about another language being spoken in their presence. Don’t disadvantage your children to appease adults’ insecurities.

Original poster
bilingualbabies · 28/08/2025 23:03

Createausername1970 · 28/08/2025 22:47

As a previous poster, I was wondering if it's an issue with Spanish as they are in US.

I agree that it's good for your kids to be bi-lingual, but I kind of agree with your parents in that if you are speaking directly to them and including them in a conversation then it should as much as possible be done in a language every can understand.

But if it's background chatter between your kids and not directly aimed at your parents, then that's unreasonable to insist it's in English.

Edited

@Createausername1970 , yes, it’s normally background chatter or someone entering the room who wasn’t part of the video call and saying something in Spanish. I really can’t control what a toddler says, for example, and if we are reinforcing a second language I feel it’s a middle ground to translate even though that’s harder on us. But it lets the kids switch languages freely while learning. As they get older they know who speaks English/Spanish and naturally code switch (eg English with my family, Spanish with husband’s family).

I do understand if people use another language to intentionally leave people out, but this is not at all what is happening and most of the time we are speaking English (and always if speaking directly to my parents).

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 28/08/2025 23:02

Honestly I think it’s pretty shocking that anyone could find anything wrong with the idea of raising your kids to be bilingual and I would be telling your parents in no uncertain terms that this is how it is and to butt out. Sorry but I think you need to read the riot act.

They will inevitably become more fluent in English as they go to school anyway.

saraclara · 28/08/2025 22:54

If you're visiting them, then I think you and your DH should be speaking in English when you're in their presence. Like it or not, speaking to each other or your kids in Spanish in front of the grandparents does exclude them. Obviously the children will occasionally speak in Spanish, but assuming that your visit is only for a couple of weeks, it's not going to hurt their language acquisition if you answer them in English.

The grandparents already lose out by living so far away from you all and only seeing you once a year. At least make your time together inclusive.

Createausername1970 · 28/08/2025 22:47

As a previous poster, I was wondering if it's an issue with Spanish as they are in US.

I agree that it's good for your kids to be bi-lingual, but I kind of agree with your parents in that if you are speaking directly to them and including them in a conversation then it should as much as possible be done in a language every can understand.

But if it's background chatter between your kids and not directly aimed at your parents, then that's unreasonable to insist it's in English.

Fuckish · 28/08/2025 22:46

Of course you’re not unreasonable, but I’ve seen this play out over and over with friends raising their children in a different culture/language to monoglot anglophone grandparents — my American friend my French friend and they’re raising their children in France, and her parents used to get vocally sad when the children spoke French in front of them on visits or to their dad when on a Skype call. I think it made them hyper aware of not having All American grandchildren down the street in some white picket fenced house. They’ve made no effort to learn French despite visiting often.

KimHwn · 28/08/2025 22:39

I think you're doing your kids a massive favour here, and that they'll be really thankful that you made the effort when they're old enough to get it. I can understand it being a little odd for your parents because it's outside their experience, but they'll get used to it.
I have experience of this, and it isn't rude. People who are only fluent in one language don't get how weird it feels to suddenly speak a different language with your children. I have noticed, too, that it is predominantly first language English speakers who feel uncomfortable with other languages being spoken around them- I think it's because they're so used to being in the majority, and have little or no experience of meeting people who don't speak their language.
(Hard hat on though- I've seen threads like this before, and MN tends towards feeling it's rude to speak another language in front of people who don't understand it... But most of those people have the lived experience of having a majority, pervading language as a mother tongue.)

drspouse · 28/08/2025 22:38

You are absolutely doing the right thing for your kids! It's now acknowledged that if you are in a country where your language is in the minority, the best way to get your kids fluent is for everyone in your home to speak that language if they can.
Have you explained to your parents that it's the best way for your kids? Is there a possibility that they think Spanish is a "lower value" language because of the class divide in the US?
Ultimately they need to put up with it but once your children start school they will become better at English naturally, so this won't last long.
But if you are all speaking Spanish and also I wonder if you yourself learning about Spanish literature and culture might make them more enthusiastic? Reading in Spanish with the children will also protect them from losing it or it being taken over completely by English.