Page 5 | Raising Kids Bilingual-Trouble with Grandparents

bilingualbabies · 2025-08-28T21:29:17+00:00

Posting as I’m genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable to want my parents to be more accepting of the fact that we are raising our kids bilingual. For background, my parents are extremely insecure and can be very controlling in their behavior. That said, I still love them and want to maintain a relationship with them. We live in the U.K. and they are in the U.S. Husband’s native language is Spanish and my Spanish is decent. I’ve always valued multilingualism and learning about other cultures so we were both very keen to teach kids Spanish. We live in an area where there are few Spanish speakers so it’s really down to us to help the kids learn, so we’re really focused on getting them to speak it in the house as much as we can. My youngest child is just learning to speak so this is extra important and we encourage our older child to speak Spanish with the little one too. Recently my parents have fixated on this as they’ll hear the kids speaking in Spanish when we video chat. Or the little one will say a Spanish word. We normally translate but we might miss things from time to time if the kids are chattering to themselves and we are talking to my parents. Their perspective is they feel left out and want to know what the kids are saying. Our perspective is we want the kids to know Spanish and feel proud of that part of their culture/heritage. The oldest always speaks in English to her grandparents. She’s old enough to know how to code switch. She will speak Spanish to her dad/my husband sometimes but it’ll be something like “Can I watch TV?” or something irrelevant to the conversation with my parents. Or husband might walk into the room during a video call and naturally speak Spanish with the kids as we’re literally in our own home. We only visit once a year at most so not much in person interaction, but it’s really stressing me out on how to respond. I understand them wanting to understand the kids, and we’re happy to translate if they ask what was said and usually do this automatically. But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out. So AIBU? If anyone’s been in a similar situation I’d really like to hear what you chose to do and how things worked out.

FlowersAndFruit · 29/08/2025 07:04

I thought Americans learned Spanish at school like we learn french, so surely they should know some Spanish!

I would sincerely just ignore them. We charge ahead in our other language based on which of us is speaking to each other. We get so many compliments, and laments from people who are native speakers who say "I wish I had made the effort to speak my own language with my own kids".

My in laws have made zero effort to learn English but at least they don't complain when English is spoken.

My parents however have made an effort and are very sweet to my dh. Dad loves asking native speakers if my kids sound like foreigners and is pleased as punch when they say "no".

Perhaps you should tell your parents that if you aren't able to speak Spanish at home you'll all have to pack up and move to Spain in order not to lose the language.

Amarettoo · 29/08/2025 07:03

We do one parent, one language (DH German, me English).

That extends to Grandparents and other relatives too.

Be strict with it, and your parents will have to get over it.

I think people who only speak English are so used to being able to understand everything that they find it unnerving when they don’t. But no one has a right to dictate what language people speak together- especially in a private home setting.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 29/08/2025 06:58

They are being dicks. Presumably it is not news to them that your husband is Spanish-speaking. Ask them how the kids should communicate with his parents if they only speak English and tell them they have had years to start learning Spanish themselves.

Both sets of grandparents here love that my kids are bilingual even if they don't understand the other language themselves.

Dontknowwhattocall13893 · 29/08/2025 06:53

They are being unreasonable.
I live in Britain and raising my son to speak my language. My British in laws think its great and have even picked up a few endearing words. If they miss something i say to him they ask.
They know my culture, language and communication with my family is as important as theirs.
When he gets older it'll be easier for him to understand code switching and jn the meantime my in laws enjoy hearing my language too.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/08/2025 06:52

endofthelinefinally · 29/08/2025 06:40

TBH I would try to relax a bit. Are the children fluent in English and Spanish? If that is what you are aiming for, let them speak English to their gps and Spanish to everyone else.
My dc's paternal gp's spoke very little English, so dc heard and spoke 2 languages right from the start.
The advantage of this is that they subsequently learn other languages easily.
My dc are now fluent in 3 and 4 languages respectively.
The majority of our friends and their dc are bilingual, being first and second generation immigrants, it is normal.

But this isn't the kids speaking directly to their grandparents in Spanish. This is OP's parents objecting when the children are speaking to each other in Spanish in the background.

They are obviously not happy with their grandchildren speaking Spanish at all. Given that they live in the US and there is lots of anti-Spanish racism over there, I think that their objections are probably due to racism/xenophobia.

endofthelinefinally · 29/08/2025 06:40

TBH I would try to relax a bit. Are the children fluent in English and Spanish? If that is what you are aiming for, let them speak English to their gps and Spanish to everyone else.
My dc's paternal gp's spoke very little English, so dc heard and spoke 2 languages right from the start.
The advantage of this is that they subsequently learn other languages easily.
My dc are now fluent in 3 and 4 languages respectively.
The majority of our friends and their dc are bilingual, being first and second generation immigrants, it is normal.

lifesrichpageant · 29/08/2025 06:34

OP firstly congratulations on prioritizing a second language. This is going to pay off hugely in the long run. And it will presumably help your children connect with their Spanish family members (and I'm guessing DP's familiy, cousins, etc?)

Your parents attitude is so outdated, selfish, small-minded and irritating. I am sorry you are having to navigate this. I remember hearing a quote once that America is the only country in the world where having a second language puts you at a disadvantage. Imagine! Your parents are probably products of their era and upbringing.

I am wondering if this is less about your parents hearing ambient Spanish and more about your difficulty in setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself. Because what they are "offended" by is so minor and petty and clearly they are in the wrong. It might be useful to look at this in the bigger picture of family dynamics.

In the meantime keep going! My DP spoke a second language to my children growing up and now that they are almost adults it has been an incredibly enriching experience, most of all the closeness that they have with his side of the family which would have been almost impossible without having learned the language from birth. Good luck!!

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 29/08/2025 06:27

Ignorant people. Do not pander to them. They have to like it or lump it. Shrug when they get ‘upset’ or offended. Tell them it’s their problem.

Unbelievably pathetic people. Tell them to belt up.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/08/2025 06:07

Raising your children to be bilingual is such a gift to them. Your parents are being really unreasonable if they are objecting to your children talking to each other in Spanish in the background. The only way to stop this is to never have your children in the room when you call them. I doubt that they would like that either.

They are either paranoid about what the kids and your DH are saying, or they are being racist/xenophobic. They obviously object to your children being brought up to speak Spanish as well as English despite the fact that speaking two languages fluently is great for your kids. Also, why on earth should their dad's language be erased? What if your in-laws tried to stop your kids speaking English? Your parents would be furious.

I don't think your parents sound like decent or reasonable people. Don't pander to them. Tell them that they either see the kids on the call and accept them speaking Spanish, without complaint or snidey remarks, or they don't see them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2025 01:45

Eixample · 28/08/2025 23:28

My parents are flagshaggers and very xenophobic; we live abroad. They’ve tried this when my children speak to one another too. I just say in a neutral voice that the children weren’t speaking to them. If they say the children have to speak English, I say, yes, and they do when they are talking to you. If they keep moaning I would end the call (“Well, we’d better not keep you! Talk to you soon!”).

Agree with this. Very matter of fact and cheery but making the consequences theirs not yours.

I think it’s hard in the UK to understand the racism and hatred towards Spanish and Spanish speakers in the US. My Salvadoran friend had to cancel a trip recently because she was (rightly) concerned about the situation in the US. It’s pure racism and I wouldn’t be making it OK in any way. You don’t have to have a fight, but withdrawing attention from it totally.

And I have two (and a half, and many little bit) languages and it’s brilliant!

TheGreatWesternShrew · 29/08/2025 00:50

Tell them they’re welcome to learn Spanish too. Or what will they do? You’re the one who controls what they want - access to the grandchildren - therefore you call the shots so to speak.

Just shut them down. ‘That won’t be happening as we are a bilingual household’. ‘You are welcome to ask us to translate if we miss something’. Etc

Comtesse · 29/08/2025 00:36

saraclara · 29/08/2025 00:01

I do understand if people use another language to intentionally leave people out, but this is not at all what is happening and most of the time we are speaking English (and always if speaking directly to my parents)

Of course you're not doing it intentionally. But the effect on your parents is the same whether or not you intend it to be. They don't know what you're saying and it feels awkward.

I get what you're saying about the video calls, and obviously you can't control what people are saying if they genuinely don't know that you're on the call. But once your DH knows you're on the call, why would he not swap to English?

You need to reassure your parents that you intend to speak English in their presence and on your calls, and that the little one will soon learn to choose switch. But there will be times until then, when there'll be blips.

They need to chill out as well. They are over reacting here, to quite a significant degree.

InterIgnis · 29/08/2025 00:14

It sounds like they may have an issue with them speaking Spanish at all tbh. Their father entered the room, probably didn’t realize you were on a video call, and responded when they spoke to him in Spanish. Big deal. It’s a weird thing for them to get butthurt over.

I was raised bilingual. If my grandparents overheard me talking in the language they didn’t speak they didn’t take issue with it. They didn’t try to insist that they never heard me speak another language.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 29/08/2025 00:07

justasking111 · 28/08/2025 23:33

We're in Wales so speaking Welsh is understood. But it's considered bad manners to speak it when in conversation with English speaking people.

That's something that the children do need to learn. But well done you for managing both languages so well.

I knew someone that worked for an organisation that had staff in North Wales. Someone moved from England and got a job there, then complained that the other staff spoke in their first language - Welsh - which they didn’t understand. Majority of their clients were first language Welsh as well. The Welsh Language Act prevents employers from demanding staff don’t speak Welsh at work. Very difficult situation.

saraclara · 29/08/2025 00:01

I do understand if people use another language to intentionally leave people out, but this is not at all what is happening and most of the time we are speaking English (and always if speaking directly to my parents)

Of course you're not doing it intentionally. But the effect on your parents is the same whether or not you intend it to be. They don't know what you're saying and it feels awkward.

I get what you're saying about the video calls, and obviously you can't control what people are saying if they genuinely don't know that you're on the call. But once your DH knows you're on the call, why would he not swap to English?

You need to reassure your parents that you intend to speak English in their presence and on your calls, and that the little one will soon learn to choose switch. But there will be times until then, when there'll be blips.

Original poster

bilingualbabies · 28/08/2025 23:38

PorridgeAndSyrup · 28/08/2025 23:03

We are trying to raise our children bilingual. It is bloody hard, people assume all you have to do is talk to them in that language and they’ll pick it up, but in reality it’s a constant battle against ease, convenience and negative attitudes (real or imagined) towards the minority language.
You are doing what’s best for your children. You’re already doing amazingly well to have Spanish as your children’s dominant language in a predominantly English speaking country (as I’m sure you know they will probably end up leaning more towards English as they go through school, make friends etc.) so you’re giving them a good base to be truly bilingual.

it is completely unreasonable to expect children that young to never speak their native tongue around certain people. As in, cognitively it is not a skill they can be expected to master. Plus I hate to think how that negativity, seeing Spanish as something they should be made to feel wrong for speaking, will affect how much they want to continue speaking it growing up. Children are extremely sensitive to things like that. Of course the children should be encouraged to include everyone in the conversation, and not exclude anyone, but it’s a bit pathetic for grown adults to get upset about another language being spoken in their presence. Don’t disadvantage your children to appease adults’ insecurities.

@PorridgeAndSyrup , I do worry about this with my oldest especially. We once had one of her classmates shout “speak English!” to her when passing by our family on the school run. Another kid has teased her about her Spanish surname (it would be a bit revealing to say what it is, and the name they change it to isn’t a bad word but it’s still impolite to her and clearly intended to taunt her). I never want my children to internalise those comments and think part of their heritage is shameful. She’s a resilient kid and most of her classmates aren’t like this but if her family also indicates that Spanish is something to hide or be ashamed of then that doesn’t send a great message.

OP posts:

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 28/08/2025 23:33

As parents you are making a really good decision - and it is 💯 yours to make. Children are best programmed to learn language under 3 so early exposure is brilliant. Then 3-7 is a great window and they will pick up code switching; 8-14 is still good and than after that it gets much harder ( but very possible).
You are clearly mindful of not using the Spanish to exclude your parents. They should be proud - not critical - so keep going! If it’s your husbands first language - maybe they should learn a little themselves…..

justasking111 · 28/08/2025 23:33

We're in Wales so speaking Welsh is understood. But it's considered bad manners to speak it when in conversation with English speaking people.

That's something that the children do need to learn. But well done you for managing both languages so well.

Keroppi · 28/08/2025 23:28

What are they actually saying or feeling? That it's a shame/sad and they feel left out? Like husbands fam/culture more important
Or that they're angry?
Is there any hint of racism/looking down on Spanish speakers ?

Coz you could just hand wave them off "oh yes, everyone knows now how great it is to speak multiple languages, so much easier when they're little isn't it? So what did you do on the weekend?"
But obviously if they keep bringing it up in an angry and disapproving way then you just repeat "Yes, we are raising the kids bilingual. Aren't they so clever to be able to know to speak English with you and Spanish with their dad and each other." Just play dumb and talk the kids up so they feel totally unreasonable. It might stop them bringing it up.. If pushed, you can always snap at them to download duolingo and learn too!!!

Eixample · 28/08/2025 23:28

My parents are flagshaggers and very xenophobic; we live abroad. They’ve tried this when my children speak to one another too. I just say in a neutral voice that the children weren’t speaking to them. If they say the children have to speak English, I say, yes, and they do when they are talking to you. If they keep moaning I would end the call (“Well, we’d better not keep you! Talk to you soon!”).

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 28/08/2025 23:24

We live in Wales. In laws are in Yorkshire. DD has attended Welsh medium school since she was 3 and had no English spoken to her there till Year 3. She’s been fully bilingual since then and PIL would have been told where to go if they had any issue with it.

BridasShieldWall · 28/08/2025 23:24

Or if they were that bothered about not understanding your children 100% of the time your parents could learn Spanish. But they don’t - that’s on them. Keep going and as the children get older they will switch more easily. Your parents shouldn’t be policing your language if someone happens to say something in the background.

PorridgeAndSyrup · 28/08/2025 23:20

bilingualbabies · 28/08/2025 23:17

@saraclara , I hear you. But we aren’t talking about just visits. We’re talking about, say, my child speaking to her little brother while playing (in our home) over a video call. Or husband walking into the room (not knowing I’m on a call with them) and saying something in Spanish. Or if we want to share a cute video and we happened to speak Spanish, well we can’t share it even if we translate because that’s “offensive.” It goes beyond conversations in their home and I think that’s part of what makes it hard to navigate.

Show quote history

My earlier comment was too measured. They are being rude and offensive. They are being xenophobic towards your children’s and husband’s culture. It’s not reasonable or normal.

tabulahrasa · 28/08/2025 23:19

Is it likely that they do have an issue with them speaking Spanish full stop?

or is it more likely that they’re not particularly happy that they can’t be as involved as they’d like, as in they’re physically distant and when they’re trying to be involved by video calls they feel like they can’t fully if they don’t understand some of what’s happening?

because to me they’re very different issues, the first I’d just ignore them tbh, the second I might try and be a bit more understanding

Original poster

bilingualbabies · 28/08/2025 23:17

saraclara · 28/08/2025 22:54

If you're visiting them, then I think you and your DH should be speaking in English when you're in their presence. Like it or not, speaking to each other or your kids in Spanish in front of the grandparents does exclude them. Obviously the children will occasionally speak in Spanish, but assuming that your visit is only for a couple of weeks, it's not going to hurt their language acquisition if you answer them in English.

The grandparents already lose out by living so far away from you all and only seeing you once a year. At least make your time together inclusive.

Edited

@saraclara , I hear you. But we aren’t talking about just visits. We’re talking about, say, my child speaking to her little brother while playing (in our home) over a video call. Or husband walking into the room (not knowing I’m on a call with them) and saying something in Spanish. Or if we want to share a cute video and we happened to speak Spanish, well we can’t share it even if we translate because that’s “offensive.” It goes beyond conversations in their home and I think that’s part of what makes it hard to navigate.

OP posts: