Raising Kids Bilingual-Trouble with Grandparents

But if you slipped up and asked him in German by accident, would you expect to be scolded by those present that don’t speak German? That’s the scenario the OP is asking about

I have bilingual kids too, it has so many benefits for kids so carry on as you are!

Agree with this.

I would never ask my DH to pass me the salt in German, even if we were eating lunch with his family. It would be weird.

But sitting there chatting English and excluding everyone- that’s rude.

My mother in law took English lessons for this reason.

But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out.

If you are with the GPs then I think it's only polite to speak English. So I'd say to the daughter that she should be asking to watch TV in English. But it's not a massive deal if she occasionally forgets. But I could see how it could feel excluding.

they complain about DH speaking Spanish in his own home in the background of a call when he doesn’t even know they’re on a call.

Here I think they are being unreasonable. He doesn't even know and it's not up to you to make your life revolve around them. Especially as you will need to make an effort to keep the Spanish up as they become more exposed to English as they spend more time outside the home.

I assume this is to do with the GPs worrying that the kids will lose their English side/they will find it hard to communicate. But that's not likely to happen given where you are living.
As someone who has wider family who speak another language - as well as some - English, I can't say I find it offensive when they switch into their own language to say something relevant only to them. Also I view it as a learning opportunity as I speak a bit of that language so it does no harm to listen!

If my Grandchildren were bilingual I would do my very best to learn their other language.

In fact if one of my children married someone with another first language I would start learning it in preparation for this very circumstance.

The fact that they choose not to means that they have to suffer the consequences.

@Platypusdiver , Second, it is rude to speak in a second language in the company of others, if they don't understand it. I have experienced it both sides. Even the most trivial conversations "tie up your shoes" "what do you want to drink?", leave others feeling left out, even if they are never going to be part of them.
I completely disagree with you on this. The rudeness in it is that you are reinforcing that the language you speak normally with your children is inferior.

@Melassa , I agree with you about is being a problem with monoglot Anglophones.

I know someone who's bilingual but her mother tongue is English. She lives in a country where English isn't the everyday language, and the daily language is totally different to English. Her children are reluctant to speak English.

Bringing your kids up bilingual is great and a huge asset to them. In the grandparents position I would be learning the language myself. My son has a Turkish girlfriend and although her English is great my son is learning Turkish and I'm trying to pick up a few phrases too.

Speaking another language deliberately in front of people is rude and exclusionary. I had a friend from school and when I went to their house her parents would talk to her (and each other) in Gujerati at the dinner table even though they were fluent in English (both GPs) and it made me feel very uncomfortable. To her credit my lovely friend would respond to them in English! But from what you describe, the Spanish words the grandparents hear are incidental rather than deliberate.

We have some lovely French friends and they almost always speak English in front of us except when they call each other Cheri which is so cute! Occasionally they might be trying to explain something and can't find the right English term and will briefly lapse into French to ask the other how to put it. I don't find any of that offensive in the least! I'm just a wee bit embarrassed that my schoolgirl French is so bad!

Maybe they are embarrassed that their grandchildren have such great language skills but I would say if you can't beat them, join them and download duo lingo!

1. they complain about DH speaking Spanish in his own home in the background of a call when he doesn’t even know they’re on a call. Absolutely unreasonable.
2. what do you think happens in bilingual families where neither set of parents speaks the others’ language, but they nevertheless end up being in the same room sometimes for family events? It is completely unreasonable (and bordering on racist/xenophobic) to expect to never hear a foreign language spoken in your presence.

The only think YABU about is not firmly telling your parents that your priority is what's best for your kids, not their feelings, and if they don't like it then they can just go ahead and not like it.

You're pandering to them too much.

your DH should be speaking in English when you're in their presence. Like it or not, speaking to each other or your kids in Spanish in front of the grandparents does exclude them.

This. We are in a bilingual family. You have two issues here:
First, bringing up kids bilingually. Great that you are doing it. And yes it needs loads of re-enforcement at home because when they get older, they will switch to their friends'/community language (english), unless you have really ingrained it as the family language.

Second, it is rude to speak in a second language in the company of others, if they don't understand it. I have experienced it both sides. Even the most trivial conversations "tie up your shoes" "what do you want to drink?", leave others feeling left out, even if they are never going to be part of them.

Grandparents want to suck up all aspects and the kids won't suffer from 2 weeks of only english once a year.

OP has said they don’t like it when her DH speaks Spanish even when he’s just entered the room and doesn’t know they’re on a video call. In other words, they object to him speaking his own language in his own house when he thinks no one else is around! They don’t even like being sent cute videos where the kids can be heard speaking Spanish. They are racists/xenophobes and should not be pandered to.

How do you think bilingual families get on when there are members who can’t speak the other language? My DH is French, and actually my mum speaks French and most of his family speak at least a bit of English, but my dad doesn’t speak a word of French, and one of my BILs (and all of the French children) don’t speak any English at all, so what do you think happens when we’re all together? Necessarily someone has to tolerate hearing a language they don’t understand at some point. It’s part of life. You can either choose to assume the worst of everyone and assume they are talking about you, or you can think “wow, how interesting, I’d love to understand what they’re saying” (or the intermediate position: which is to shrug and assume it’s not relevant to you). Hearing my mum speak French to people and not understand it was what motivated me to learn French myself.

We once had one of her classmates shout “speak English!” to her when passing by our family on the school run. Another kid has teased her about her Spanish surname (it would be a bit revealing to say what it is, and the name they change it to isn’t a bad word but it’s still impolite to her and clearly intended to taunt her).

This needs to be nipped in the bud. It is racism/xenophobia/othering.
Speak to and write to the school.

Yes, I speak French to my in laws but English to my children in front of my in laws, with zero issues.

They are happy and proud that their grandchildren are bilingual.

This is an interesting point.

I read a book about raising bilingual children which goes into some detail about how the challenges of getting kids to speak the minority language are different depending on whether the language in question is perceived as a "high status" or a "low status" language.

So it's much easier for me, living in France, to get my children to speak English, than it would be for a Romanian mother living in the UK to get her children to speak Romanian. Because English is the ultimate high status language and everyone here, even young children, understands that being able to speak it is a good thing.

The author makes an interesting observation about Spanish, which is that Spanish is considered a high status language in Europe and a low status language in the US. Lots of people in the UK would love to be able to speak fluent Spanish, because it's seen as a nice, first world, European language which will also be useful for going on holiday to Spain or South America, both of which are seen as attractive destinations. Whereas in the US, people are more likely to see Spanish as the language of poor, possibly illegal, immigrants. I also think that most people in the UK consider Spanish people to be white (albeit less pasty than us), whereas in the US, Hispanic people are considered non-white. So there is potentially some snobbery and racism from the OP's American parents contributing to their feelings about their children speaking Spanish.

Don't move your family to the US, OP!

What part of US are they in? I'm a bit surprised they don't speak a bit of Spanish, especially if they're in the southern part of the country. Travelling in CA and FL, we found a bit of Spanish very useful, not to say polite.

The fact they cba to learn, and don't want to hear it spoken, does give a clue to how they perceive Spanish-speakers. I'd be doubling down tbh and absolutely ensuring your kids speak it and your DH feels free to speak his language when he wants.

@bilingualbabies You will be giving them a gift! Stick with it. Bizarre attitude from grandparents. They will have an advantage in school when they learn Spanish and how great for holidays. Keep going with it and look at how you can enhance their love of Spanish if they are good at it. Ignore grandparents. In this instance they don’t rule you or your husband. I cannot understand why anyone would be against it!

This only ever seems to be a problem with monoglot Anglophones. My DD is bilingual, in her case English was the minority language as we live outside the UK, I spoke to her all the time in English, including in front of non English speakers. No one got offended, most commented on what an excellent thing we were doing.

Why do monoglot Brits/Americans get so offended? Is it because it highlights their lack of linguistic ability, or is it an imperialistic hangover where English must be the only important language?

This is completely unreasonable and your parents need to wind their necks in.

I'd point out that if they're going to get offended about what they overhear when you're on the phone or when they visit your house, a simple solution would be to phone and invite them less often.

You could suggest they take Spanish lessons themselves.

Your parents need to understand that this is only a short term thing while your DC are young. Once they are older they will learn to only speak English in front of those Grandparents. And honestly, if it so upsetting for your parents, I would have less video calls, as they are being ridiculous.

It's a shame and very selfish that they would prioritise their comfort over something that in the end is of significant benefit to the child.

I would just tell them that you are a joint nationality household and you will teach them the languages of both sides so they can communicate with both sets of grandparents, and if that causes the odd communication issue then that is better than one side or the other not being able to communicate.

If you live in England whether you like it or not they will probably naturally gravitate to the language they speak outside the house, so in time it will probably be harder for you to maintain the other language skills.

I think your parents are being massively unreasonable.

We are close friends with a couple where the DH is Chinese and the DW is English; when we're together, he sometimes speaks Mandarin to the kids. Not stuff we'd need to know, just things like "pick your coat up" or "look at this". Usually he translates afterwards, but even if he doesn't, it's fine. I assume it's not stuff I need to know! What I do know is that it's hard for him to keep up the kids Mandarin when they are exposed to English 95% of the time, and its important for them to be able to communicate with his family. So I support it because they're friends. It's not hard!

Their grandkids are half Spanish and its reasonable to assume they'll speak Spanish in the family. It would be rude to use Spanish in a conversation in which they are involved, but as a side-exchange when they happen to be in the same house or on a video call, they need to let it go.

Tell them to learn Spanish.

This. At least a few words. My DH family don't speak any English. I learned their language from scratch, but it's incredibly tiring having to process what they're saying, formulate a response abd then translate the answer before replying. Even then I get it wrong, as my ironic/flippant SOH literally gets list in translation and causes issues.

Me speaking my mother tongue to my DS during several weeks in DH country is me being able to relax and be the real me.