Page 2 | Raising Kids Bilingual-Trouble with Grandparents

bilingualbabies · 2025-08-28T21:29:17+00:00

Posting as I’m genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable to want my parents to be more accepting of the fact that we are raising our kids bilingual. For background, my parents are extremely insecure and can be very controlling in their behavior. That said, I still love them and want to maintain a relationship with them. We live in the U.K. and they are in the U.S. Husband’s native language is Spanish and my Spanish is decent. I’ve always valued multilingualism and learning about other cultures so we were both very keen to teach kids Spanish. We live in an area where there are few Spanish speakers so it’s really down to us to help the kids learn, so we’re really focused on getting them to speak it in the house as much as we can. My youngest child is just learning to speak so this is extra important and we encourage our older child to speak Spanish with the little one too. Recently my parents have fixated on this as they’ll hear the kids speaking in Spanish when we video chat. Or the little one will say a Spanish word. We normally translate but we might miss things from time to time if the kids are chattering to themselves and we are talking to my parents. Their perspective is they feel left out and want to know what the kids are saying. Our perspective is we want the kids to know Spanish and feel proud of that part of their culture/heritage. The oldest always speaks in English to her grandparents. She’s old enough to know how to code switch. She will speak Spanish to her dad/my husband sometimes but it’ll be something like “Can I watch TV?” or something irrelevant to the conversation with my parents. Or husband might walk into the room during a video call and naturally speak Spanish with the kids as we’re literally in our own home. We only visit once a year at most so not much in person interaction, but it’s really stressing me out on how to respond. I understand them wanting to understand the kids, and we’re happy to translate if they ask what was said and usually do this automatically. But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out. So AIBU? If anyone’s been in a similar situation I’d really like to hear what you chose to do and how things worked out.

PinkStingray · 29/08/2025 21:09

My children are bilingual. They were raised in the UK and they learnt my own language with me and my husband who is fluent in it.
When they went to school they didn't want to speak it, they didn't want to be different but as they got old they wanted to use it more and more.
Don't worry about your parents, as the children get older they will learn to speak English to them.
It's very hard to raise and keep young children bilingual when outside all they hear is English. Persevere or they will loose it.
My children are adults now and fluent, at home we speak a salad, moving from one language to the other. In front of non speakers we always speak English.

Fuzzypinetree · 29/08/2025 20:04

You're not alone. My DM is like that. She's a proud (self-proclaimed) racist and has huge issues with the whole concept. We live in my home country now and have spoken in English with DS throughout since moving here from the UK. My ex was barely home, so I used English as well to ensure he's getting the input. Ex is off now, busy sleeping with the ow, so there's even less input at home.
She's still telling me how rude I was when talking to my DS in English in front of her. She felt so excluded. I just keep thinking, "It's not about you. It's about him and he prefers English." He was just a toddler nattering away and telling me random stuff...
She'll insist that it's great that the kids are bilingual and then go on telling me about her cleaner, who stopped speaking Polish to her kids because it was better for them to speak the majority language. Or the random family she knows, where one parent only speaks one language and the other only the majority language and that's how it should be and what I'm doing is ridiculous. (She neglects to mention that random family's children only speak the majority language and refuse to utter a word in the minority language...How do I know? I'm involved in our local international parents' community and know quite a few families with that setup. It works for some but not for all.)
I haven't mentioned yet that DS never wanted to speak much with her because of her constant insistence that he should speak the majority language at all times. He felt put on the spot and intimidated by her when he was little and didn't want to speak in case he got something wrong and she'd go off on one again...
I'm switching to the majority language with DS nowadays when we are with my family but that's because he's 8 and very secure in English by now. I still speak English with DD and try hard to stick to that. Ex isn't on the scene for her, so no input from that side at all. Her nursery are aware and fully supportive. They have promised to ensure she's fine in the majority language and I should just keep talking to her in English.
It's just tedious having to battle my parents on that constantly.

NaranjaDreams · 29/08/2025 19:32

Dappy777 · 29/08/2025 18:24

You write "we want the kids to learn Spanish and feel proud of that part of their identity/culture," and of course that's fine. But if someone came on here and wrote "we want our kids to read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and Dickens and feel proud of their English-British identity" I guarantee you'd be overwhelmed with posts mocking them and sneering at the very idea. The left have done such a good job of making English and British identity toxic that people's responses are as predictable as trained seals.

As someone who lives in Spain, I can say this isn’t the case here. It’d be celebrated.

England’s own issues with its identity don’t expand beyond the borders. There’s plenty of gripes that other countries have with us, but our literary culture is not one of them.

InterIgnis · 29/08/2025 19:01

Dappy777 · 29/08/2025 18:24

You write "we want the kids to learn Spanish and feel proud of that part of their identity/culture," and of course that's fine. But if someone came on here and wrote "we want our kids to read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and Dickens and feel proud of their English-British identity" I guarantee you'd be overwhelmed with posts mocking them and sneering at the very idea. The left have done such a good job of making English and British identity toxic that people's responses are as predictable as trained seals.

If they were living in Spain and surrounded by Spanish speakers, I highly doubt anyone would be sneering at, or mocking, their parent teaching them English and actively supporting bilingualism in their children.

Nearly50omg · 29/08/2025 18:59

So your parents need it pointing out to them that they are racist!!! Do it very bluntly and tell them that saying it’s offensive to them what you’re doing etc is racist and you want none of it! If they do it again pull them up on it and and the call and message explaining why and that until they stop being offensive and racist you want nothing to do with them!!

Ponyfootymama · 29/08/2025 18:58

Welsh speaking children here, DH and I not (well some but not fluent)…can’t imagine why anyone would have an issue with it. DS uses his infrequently but has the ability if he’s in Welsh speaking company or finds a job with Welsh speaking colleagues. DD is pursuing her degree in both languages, gets a financial bursary to do so and hopefully will open herself many more doors in the future. No one blinks an eye if they mix it up…would have considered it a reason to be proud of them rather than cross? Can always ask them to translate after all.

AngryBookworm · 29/08/2025 18:57

You're being completely reasonable and doing a great thing. As PP have said monoglot English speakers in particular tend to feel weird about people speaking another language, but they should get some perspective about what can be expected from a toddler. There are lots of things toddlers do that would be considered rude in older children or adults! Your children will benefit from growing up without the defeatist, small-minded attitude to language-learning that many people in the UK seem to embrace.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/08/2025 18:44

Dappy777 · 29/08/2025 18:24

You write "we want the kids to learn Spanish and feel proud of that part of their identity/culture," and of course that's fine. But if someone came on here and wrote "we want our kids to read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and Dickens and feel proud of their English-British identity" I guarantee you'd be overwhelmed with posts mocking them and sneering at the very idea. The left have done such a good job of making English and British identity toxic that people's responses are as predictable as trained seals.

Nobody's ashamed to be able to speak English. It's an advantage to be able to speak it in addition to a first (or second/third) language both when living in an English speaking country and internationally.

After centuries of other languages - including ones native to the United Kingdom - being actively, violently, suppressed with the intent of making them die, it's not exactly a great achievement to have more or less succeeded in making those languages something to hide, be ashamed of, to deny or just never have learned them out of parental fears that their child would be subjected to discrimination and abuse for knowing them.

Other countries have also sought to erase minority languages and dialects as part of controlling the pesky populations both in the home country and in their colonies - can't be having those conversations that might just lead to rebellion, resistance or any thoughts of independence, after all. And that is nothing for speakers of the dominant, conquering power to be proud of.

Lovely13 · 29/08/2025 18:40

Had the opposite. My lazy ex could barely be bothered to teach our kids his mother tongue. When they visit his country, it’s hard for them to converse with relatives. Speaking another language is a gift. Helps with brain development, all sorts. Ignore any criticism and keep going well!

PatienceOfEngels · 29/08/2025 18:37

Your parents are ridiculous. In 5 years time they will be proudly boasting to people about their bilingual grandchildren.

MY PIL were similarly sniffy when I was pregnant and said I would speak in English to our children (we live in the Netherlands and my husband is Dutch). My kids are now 10/13 and both fluent in speaking, reading and listening. Writing is tougher because of education in local Dutch schools instead of International, but this might improve with secondary education.

I also got comments if we were out at ILs and I would speak to the kids in English and someone else didn't understand, but we do OPOL so I was super consistent with them, especially when they were small. The only times I ever spoke to my kids in Dutch when they were under 8 was when they had friends over or during parent-teacher meetings (kids often present for them).

It is a great gift to give your kids, contact with their heritage, literal contact with family (I cannot imagine my kids not being able to communicate with their English family), and a useful skill for the rest of their lives (both from a major world language perspective and the benefits to the brain of bilingualism with any languages).

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 29/08/2025 18:34

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 29/08/2025 00:07

I knew someone that worked for an organisation that had staff in North Wales. Someone moved from England and got a job there, then complained that the other staff spoke in their first language - Welsh - which they didn’t understand. Majority of their clients were first language Welsh as well. The Welsh Language Act prevents employers from demanding staff don’t speak Welsh at work. Very difficult situation.

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@Platypusdiver

Second, it is rude to speak in a second language in the company of others, if they don't understand it. I have experienced it both sides. Even the most trivial conversations "tie up your shoes" "what do you want to drink?", leave others feeling left out, even if they are never going to be part of them.

Interested in how you would resolve the above scenario……..

coxesorangepippin · 29/08/2025 18:29

Bilingual kids here (English/French)

The trick is to have one parent speak to the kids in that language, and don't switch or translate.

If they don't understand, explain what it is, rather than translating.

Example: fire truck - large wagon that firemen use to put out fires. I'd never say 'camion de pompiers'.

Your in-laws need to butt out.

GiveDogBone · 29/08/2025 18:25

They’re not Trump supporters are they?

Dappy777 · 29/08/2025 18:24

You write "we want the kids to learn Spanish and feel proud of that part of their identity/culture," and of course that's fine. But if someone came on here and wrote "we want our kids to read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and Dickens and feel proud of their English-British identity" I guarantee you'd be overwhelmed with posts mocking them and sneering at the very idea. The left have done such a good job of making English and British identity toxic that people's responses are as predictable as trained seals.

Livelifeandloveit · 29/08/2025 18:06

My son and daughter-in-law are both English speaking, but live in Italy. Both their children speak both Italian and English and I think it's great. My granddaughter who's 8 is my little personal translator when I go to visit. She does try to teach me some words, but finds my pronunciation hilarious.

MaggieBsBoat · 29/08/2025 17:52

Melassa · 29/08/2025 10:25

This only ever seems to be a problem with monoglot Anglophones. My DD is bilingual, in her case English was the minority language as we live outside the UK, I spoke to her all the time in English, including in front of non English speakers. No one got offended, most commented on what an excellent thing we were doing.

Why do monoglot Brits/Americans get so offended? Is it because it highlights their lack of linguistic ability, or is it an imperialistic hangover where English must be the only important language?

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Yeah, not really. My German ILs get offended if we speak English in front of them. We don’t do it at all now. Other nationalities are just as bad.

PorridgeAndSyrup · 29/08/2025 17:12

Platypusdiver · 29/08/2025 16:37

I completely disagree with you on this. The rudeness in it is that you are reinforcing that the language you speak normally with your children is inferior.

Sorry I don't understand this logic. Why would one language be inferior just because you want another person to feel included?

In my case, english is the minority language. My mil doesn't understand my accent. I make sure we always speak the other language around her. I don't suppose she actually cares, but it is very easy to go from "tie your shoes laces" to "what shall we do today?". Then someone is left out wondering what you are talking about. That is unnecessary. Dd is totally bilingual and our approach hasn't done her any harm in either language.

Also, I think it unlikely that many people consider english to be inferior! And on the other hand, in this part of the world, they wouldn't consider their language to be inferior. Rather the opposite - they love having a secret language.

Because if the grandparents react with annoyance any time Spanish is spoken in their presence, even incidentally or accidentally, leading the children and their parents to avoid saying even one word in Spanish in order to avoid being told off, then that will necessarily instil in the children (deliberately or not) a feeling of shame or guilt relating to the Spanish language. Children are extremely sensitive to such things, and the parents are already at a disadvantage in teaching their children Spanish as the pull towards the dominant community language is extremely strong, and this sort of thing could easily make them not want to speak Spanish at all. It doesn’t take much.

Platypusdiver · 29/08/2025 16:37

I completely disagree with you on this. The rudeness in it is that you are reinforcing that the language you speak normally with your children is inferior.

Sorry I don't understand this logic. Why would one language be inferior just because you want another person to feel included?

In my case, english is the minority language. My mil doesn't understand my accent. I make sure we always speak the other language around her. I don't suppose she actually cares, but it is very easy to go from "tie your shoes laces" to "what shall we do today?". Then someone is left out wondering what you are talking about. That is unnecessary. Dd is totally bilingual and our approach hasn't done her any harm in either language.

Also, I think it unlikely that many people consider english to be inferior! And on the other hand, in this part of the world, they wouldn't consider their language to be inferior. Rather the opposite - they love having a secret language.

Brefugee · 29/08/2025 15:55

saraclara · 29/08/2025 00:01

I do understand if people use another language to intentionally leave people out, but this is not at all what is happening and most of the time we are speaking English (and always if speaking directly to my parents)

Of course you're not doing it intentionally. But the effect on your parents is the same whether or not you intend it to be. They don't know what you're saying and it feels awkward.

I get what you're saying about the video calls, and obviously you can't control what people are saying if they genuinely don't know that you're on the call. But once your DH knows you're on the call, why would he not swap to English?

You need to reassure your parents that you intend to speak English in their presence and on your calls, and that the little one will soon learn to choose switch. But there will be times until then, when there'll be blips.

OP can reassure as much as she likes, but bilingual children are bilingual and they will speak whatever language comes into their head, or matches the topic to the language they usually discuss it in.

My DC are bilingual (are adults now) and they will still start a conversation with each other in English then switch to their 2nd language if it is something they don't usually discuss in English. Sometimes they will switch back, sometimes not and sometimes it is a complete mess. Anyone who would complain to me about that gets short shrift: they are talking to each other and that is it.

(i wouldn't allow them to be rude and speak in a language other people who are in the conversation don't speak)

Children also learn very very quickly to whom they need to speak which language. For OPs parents, that will be English.

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2025 15:49

Your examples of the dc asking to watch Tv when not in an active conversation with their grandparents are completely reasonable. Many bilingual families have the ‘one language in the house, another outside’. The grandparents are being totally unreasonable if the dc aren’t addressing them. How about they learn some basics??

InterIgnis · 29/08/2025 15:48

The grandparents may want to suck up all aspects of their grandchildren, but they can’t. Their grandchildren are as Spanish as they are American/English, and that means that while they can reasonably expect to speak to them in English, sometimes they may just overhear them speaking Spanish. The children are learning something very valuable here, that not just connects them to their own heritage and culture, but stands them in good stead for the rest of their lives. You would think the grandparents would understand and support that. I do get the impression there is an element of territorialism here, and wanting to claim them as fully American/English as ‘theirs’.

The grandchildren are young, and not aren’t yet totally adept at code switching. Slip ups will happen, it’s all part of the process of learning, and that takes time. Their father was right to reply to them in Spanish, rather than suddenly speaking English and confusing them. When it comes to OPOL and instilling active bilingualism, consistency is key (particularly when they are as young as they are).

The grandparents failure to extend any grace for this and acting as if Spanish spoken in their presence is some dreadful thing, is what is rude here.

Aibusadandhormonal · 29/08/2025 15:44

As no one is intending to be rude, you're not being rude.
If you had moved to Spain instead of England would they complain then?
I'm bilingual because my mum did the same with us. DH is bilingual (different language) because he moved to UK when he was 18. When I go to his parents house they speak English with me (because I've tried but can't seem to get totally fluent in theirs and their English is excellent) but if I'm not involved in the conversation then they speak their language. Because otherwise they are changing themselves and how they talk. Emotions are expressed differently in different languages and no one should be made to speak a second language just because someone in the room doesnt understand their overheard conversation. And my mum often talks to my DH in her language - even though her english is perfect - which inspired him to learn too.

I really really wish we had started with both ours when they were younger! But they're embracing my 2nd language now (because its easier than DHs) and have a few words in his.

When I would visit my grandparents when very little (no English at all) we would speak English and they would smile and be entertained and encourage us to speak their language more. Not get annoyed.

It sounds like what you are doing is perfect. You're not making the kids feel bad for speaking Spanish and teaching them when to switch and how to switch- brilliant for their brains!

For info- I now speak 5 languages and once held a conversation in a group in 4 of those simultaneously- a personal best!

Please don't worry about the names. I've spent the whole of my life explaining my first name. It teaches patience! And my second (English) surname in my mums language sounds something like Donkey. You laugh and get over it. Most people don't care.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/08/2025 15:30

I never understood why it was such a bad thing for people to speak their own language in front of English speakers. All those who are complaining that it's rude and shouldn't be allowed in school - how else do people who only speak English learn, both words and how to infer content and meaning from context?

It shouldn't take a formal determination and booking of lessons for a kid (or adult) to be able to say Hello, Are you OK? Yes and No to somebody else - and a multilingual vocabulary of rude words is one of the absolute joys of working in a school, if only for the looks on the faces of the kids when they realise that Miss knows exactly what they are saying.

Escapaid · 29/08/2025 15:20

Keep on powering through. Your home, your children, your rules. You are absolutely doing the right thing and if your parents don't like it they can lump it. We are also a bilingual household and faced judgement in various ways from both sets of parents. I'm very glad we held firm. DC aged 9 is fully bilingual in English and DH's mother tongue and speaks the relevant language with each set of GPs.

LadyDanburysHat · 29/08/2025 15:12

MaggieBsBoat · 29/08/2025 09:12

My kids are bilingual and I insist they speak the language of the people who need to understand the conversation. It is rude to not have them speak English with their grandparents.
Code switching correctly comes eventually but they must learn. I researched and wrote about code switching in children for my Post graduate studies. They should also in my view be speaking your mother tongue with you. It is reasonable to have two (or more!) languages spoken in the home. It actually facilitates code switching development when they associate a certain language with a certain person. Additionally unless your language is native level you’ll inadvertently add in idiomatic phrases which may not be correct.

Yes the children should speak English to the GPs, but we are talking about very young children. They are still learning and it will come.