Raising Kids Bilingual-Trouble with Grandparents

FlowersAndFruit · 02/09/2025 23:15

DanDin · 30/08/2025 19:56

@justasking111 ,Please explain why micro-don (pron. MiCK-roh DON) is funny.

As they are children they probably say popty ping. It's cute. When I moved to England I was forever being asked to pronounce llanfairpg in full.

TheEveningSun · 31/08/2025 21:12

my children are bilingual, we live in the uk, my DP is British, I’m not. I’m very persistent with my native language but it’s very hard. Well done you’re doing everything you can to teach them Spanish.
however when we’re on the video call with my parents or when they’re physically around I’m constantly reminding the kids to speak my native language between each other and to me. They switch languages depending who they’re talking to but they speak English between each other or to me, especially the 3yo. When we’re in presence of people who don’t speak our language we only speak English so our friends don’t feel excluded/awkward. You can have the rule - we speak English when talking to the GPs.

DanDin · 30/08/2025 19:56

@justasking111 ,Please explain why micro-don (pron. MiCK-roh DON) is funny.

justasking111 · 30/08/2025 19:45

Oriunda · 30/08/2025 19:33

So you only encourage your FC to speak a Welsh word so you can mock the Welsh language as you think it's funny? Nice.

Show quote history

It is funny though and we don't mind.

Oriunda · 30/08/2025 19:33

winnieanddaisy · 30/08/2025 16:10

I think that you are unreasonable not to encourage your family to speak English to their grandparents when on video calls or in their presence.
Im English and two of my grandchildren are half Welsh , brought up in wales by their mother after divorce . Welsh is , and always has been their first language but they also speak fluent English like our side of the family and they always speak English in front of me .
I only really hear them speak Welsh if I ask them to eg when I asked them the Welsh word for microwave which is funny by the way . I’m sure your children will grow up bi-lingual but it won’t harm them to leave Spanish to one side when they know granny is on the phone .

So you only encourage your FC to speak a Welsh word so you can mock the Welsh language as you think it's funny? Nice.

DanDin · 30/08/2025 19:24

@winnieanddaisy , the Welsh word for microwave is micro-don, and I can't see why that's funny.

Namechange822 · 30/08/2025 19:08

As parents you are 100 percent doing the right thing, bilingualism is a huge gift for kids in many many ways.

I think what I’d do is try and get them positively involved in supporting the kids English on calls. So maybe ask them to read English books to them over video call. It’s good for kids to learn from a variety of voices, and a few books will make zero difference to the bilingualism.

I would watch this carefully as the kids grow though, because I’m worried it’s coming from a position of “English is best” and you definitely don’t want things corrected like speaking Spanish to a native Spanish speaker in the US.

TaborlinTheGreat · 30/08/2025 18:58

I think that you are unreasonable not to encourage your family to speak English to their grandparents when on video calls or in their presence.

They are small children. The youngest is only just learning to speak at all! The OP says the older child does mostly speak English when they're on a call to the grandparents and is learning to code switch. It's completely unreasonable to expect small children to have total control over what they say and to resist ever slipping into a few words in a language they are used to using with each other at home. They don't need 'encouragement' to control their speech - this level of control and code switching skill comes with age.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/08/2025 16:20

bilingualbabies · 30/08/2025 13:16

This is true, and my parents do live in a state where there are A LOT of Spanish speakers. Politically they are also on the far right and, as one pp asked, yes they are avid Trump supporters.

@mondaytosunday , the tricky thing about not having the kids around is that my parents WANT to watch them playing so I often talk to them and have the video on the kids. If I try to talk to them one-to-one, quite honestly we quickly run out of things to say as I can't be myself around them--not just with language. I know that sounds bad but I do still love my parents and want to maintain some of a relationship with them. The kids also adore them and they are very good with them otherwise.

I'm building up the courage to tell them my thoughts, but in past experience an honest conversation won't go well, and they are the ones that keep pressuring me for a clear explanation (which they are expecting will be me saying okay and agreeing to their requests). I'm trying to strike a balance between letting them know I understand they want to feel included, while also keeping up our own family values. As I said before, we do speak English to them, only the little one would ever not know to code switch and he'll get that in a few years. But it saddens me to not be able to share things like a cute video because I think, 'Oh, we spoke Spanish in this one' or if we video call for a birthday we always sing Happy Birthday in English and then a Spanish version (and add the British hip, hip hurray now at the end, as my daughter has learned this from parties). They don't like that either. So we'd have to literally do multiple videos or multiple birthday cake candles.

I do think deep down they do not like that my kids are not 'all American' and that's part of why I'm quite sensitive about it because it's not just about understanding the language or being more involved.

I do cut down massively on video calls when we have these little blow ups, and we won't be staying at their house anymore when visiting so they do lose out in the end, which sucks for everyone.

For the PP who mentioned British culture, we are all British citizens. My children were both born in England and as a result see themselves as British (well, the oldest anyway and I am sure the youngest will too). I'm proud for them to be multicultural and we fully embrace the culture here, but I also teach them about their heritage. This includes American heritage, but the Spanish side (husband is Puerto Rican), is going to be much less represented so we have to work A LOT harder to help them learn about what it means to be Puerto Rican. Language is just one part of it, but it is important as they do have family who are not very fluent in English and it keeps up bonds with that side of the family.

You sound lovely and very understanding of your parents' quirks. You are bending over backwards not to offend them. Unfortunately, they are bigots and their utter rejection of even hearing their grandchildren speaking Spanish on a cute video is unacceptable. I assume that they objected to you marrying a Puerto Rican man. Are they polite to your husband? What does he think about them and their complete rejection of his heritage?

winnieanddaisy · 30/08/2025 16:10

I think that you are unreasonable not to encourage your family to speak English to their grandparents when on video calls or in their presence.
Im English and two of my grandchildren are half Welsh , brought up in wales by their mother after divorce . Welsh is , and always has been their first language but they also speak fluent English like our side of the family and they always speak English in front of me .
I only really hear them speak Welsh if I ask them to eg when I asked them the Welsh word for microwave which is funny by the way . I’m sure your children will grow up bi-lingual but it won’t harm them to leave Spanish to one side when they know granny is on the phone .

BountifulPantry · 30/08/2025 15:06

your parents sound like really hard work.

drspouse · 30/08/2025 13:37

Another point you may find makes them more sympathetic - my DNs are bilingual and my DM has learned their other language, so she can get by when visiting, but my DCs are adopted and my DM is very sympathetic to the idea that their birth grandparents won't see much of them growing up (in fact we have met them, but it's not to the same extent). Might your parents feel for their co-grandparents needing to be able to communicate with their grandchildren?

Mushypeasandlemonjuice · 30/08/2025 13:37

We had similar when our eldest (now 15) was little. GPs would expect me to translate every conversation between our child and their father, and I did. Then after a few years I realised that, despite us living in the non-English country and them visiting multiple times a year, they’d not even bothered to learn basic phrases (hello/thank you etc). It just felt a complete lack of respect and instead of being proud of their grandchildrens bilingualism, they were irked that they weren’t acting ‘British’ enough (proud is not quite the right word but hope you get what i mean). Now, the kids speak to them in English but we no longer translate mini-convos that don’t concern them and when visiting them, we continue to use both languages when speaking amongst ourselves.

Keep going, you’re giving your kids a great skill. As a pp said, bilingual kids find learning languages easier - Ours have independently each learnt a third language & love etymology which is a great help for school. Bilingualism from a young age takes away the fear of making mistakes with language and thats a huge advantage.

Original poster

bilingualbabies · 30/08/2025 13:16

This is true, and my parents do live in a state where there are A LOT of Spanish speakers. Politically they are also on the far right and, as one pp asked, yes they are avid Trump supporters.

@mondaytosunday , the tricky thing about not having the kids around is that my parents WANT to watch them playing so I often talk to them and have the video on the kids. If I try to talk to them one-to-one, quite honestly we quickly run out of things to say as I can't be myself around them--not just with language. I know that sounds bad but I do still love my parents and want to maintain some of a relationship with them. The kids also adore them and they are very good with them otherwise.

I'm building up the courage to tell them my thoughts, but in past experience an honest conversation won't go well, and they are the ones that keep pressuring me for a clear explanation (which they are expecting will be me saying okay and agreeing to their requests). I'm trying to strike a balance between letting them know I understand they want to feel included, while also keeping up our own family values. As I said before, we do speak English to them, only the little one would ever not know to code switch and he'll get that in a few years. But it saddens me to not be able to share things like a cute video because I think, 'Oh, we spoke Spanish in this one' or if we video call for a birthday we always sing Happy Birthday in English and then a Spanish version (and add the British hip, hip hurray now at the end, as my daughter has learned this from parties). They don't like that either. So we'd have to literally do multiple videos or multiple birthday cake candles.

I do think deep down they do not like that my kids are not 'all American' and that's part of why I'm quite sensitive about it because it's not just about understanding the language or being more involved.

I do cut down massively on video calls when we have these little blow ups, and we won't be staying at their house anymore when visiting so they do lose out in the end, which sucks for everyone.

For the PP who mentioned British culture, we are all British citizens. My children were both born in England and as a result see themselves as British (well, the oldest anyway and I am sure the youngest will too). I'm proud for them to be multicultural and we fully embrace the culture here, but I also teach them about their heritage. This includes American heritage, but the Spanish side (husband is Puerto Rican), is going to be much less represented so we have to work A LOT harder to help them learn about what it means to be Puerto Rican. Language is just one part of it, but it is important as they do have family who are not very fluent in English and it keeps up bonds with that side of the family.

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 30/08/2025 11:57

Why not video call you parents, have the kids speak to them a bit in English, then you live to another room? It must be very annoying for everyone if there’s constant chatter in the background during phone calls no matter what language!
My take is they are worried they are left out - but if your kids ideal English when visiting them this can’t be much of an issue. I do not get that they don’t like them speaking Spanish at all or their heritage - and I may have missed it if you said where your parents live in the US but I am amused how some people take it that Americans think of it as a ‘lower tariff’ language! Maybe in some places they do. Spanish is pretty much everywhere in the US, you could take either Spanish or French in school, many shop signs are in both languages (I’m talking about Boston where I have family, not a southern state near Mexico or California). My sister speaks Spanish. No ine I know thinks of it as anything other than a very useful language to know!

MageQueen · 30/08/2025 11:41

SO ridiciulous. I have neices and nephews who are growing up bilingual and NO grandparent has ever had an issue, even though only one of the four is properly bilingual themselves.

At our wedding we all found it adorable how DN was 3 and could understand everything everyone said in both languages, but tended to just speak german back which caused endless amusement and someone had to be on standby for translation. By the end of her 2 weeks with us, she had switched to speaking English all the time.

All of them are fully bilingual now and it is only a good thing - the 3 year old from my wedding has been travelling the world and is not just bilingual but also speaks excellent French and a bit of Italian too which is helping her as she travels. She was muttering about trying to learn some Chinese last time I saw her!

mamagogo1 · 30/08/2025 11:36

When you visit it is polite to speak English, as it is on video chats, you can speak Spanish the rest of the time - you admit you don’t see them often.

FinallyHere · 30/08/2025 11:33

Absolutely agree that deliberately speaking in a language in front of someone who does not understand it is not right. However, that is not was OP described, the cases mentioned where DH coming into a room without knowing that a video call was in progress or the DC talked together ‘off camera’ not as part of the conversation.

quite a different matter.

the grandparents are being short sighted by not entering into to the spirit of their multi cultural family. However, short term I’d encourage you to wear the kind of open ear bone conducting headphones so you can hear everything in the room but the grandparents on the video call only hear you.

TaborlinTheGreat · 30/08/2025 11:26

Dappy777 · 29/08/2025 18:24

You write "we want the kids to learn Spanish and feel proud of that part of their identity/culture," and of course that's fine. But if someone came on here and wrote "we want our kids to read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and Dickens and feel proud of their English-British identity" I guarantee you'd be overwhelmed with posts mocking them and sneering at the very idea. The left have done such a good job of making English and British identity toxic that people's responses are as predictable as trained seals.

Except that English is the dominant language in most of the world. 'The left' don't seem to have changed that.l, do they? Anyway, presumably the reason that the OP and her dh want to make an effort to maintain the children's connection with the Spanish side of their culture is that they live in the UK and will be surrounded by Britishness, not because they regard UK culture as shameful or inferior .

Snakebite61 · 30/08/2025 09:56

bilingualbabies · 28/08/2025 22:29

Posting as I’m genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable to want my parents to be more accepting of the fact that we are raising our kids bilingual. For background, my parents are extremely insecure and can be very controlling in their behavior. That said, I still love them and want to maintain a relationship with them.

We live in the U.K. and they are in the U.S. Husband’s native language is Spanish and my Spanish is decent. I’ve always valued multilingualism and learning about other cultures so we were both very keen to teach kids Spanish. We live in an area where there are few Spanish speakers so it’s really down to us to help the kids learn, so we’re really focused on getting them to speak it in the house as much as we can. My youngest child is just learning to speak so this is extra important and we encourage our older child to speak Spanish with the little one too.

Recently my parents have fixated on this as they’ll hear the kids speaking in Spanish when we video chat. Or the little one will say a Spanish word. We normally translate but we might miss things from time to time if the kids are chattering to themselves and we are talking to my parents. Their perspective is they feel left out and want to know what the kids are saying. Our perspective is we want the kids to know Spanish and feel proud of that part of their culture/heritage. The oldest always speaks in English to her grandparents. She’s old enough to know how to code switch. She will speak Spanish to her dad/my husband sometimes but it’ll be something like “Can I watch TV?” or something irrelevant to the conversation with my parents. Or husband might walk into the room during a video call and naturally speak Spanish with the kids as we’re literally in our own home.

We only visit once a year at most so not much in person interaction, but it’s really stressing me out on how to respond. I understand them wanting to understand the kids, and we’re happy to translate if they ask what was said and usually do this automatically. But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out.

So AIBU? If anyone’s been in a similar situation I’d really like to hear what you chose to do and how things worked out.

Oh dear. They aren't magas are they?
I wouldn't let my kids near any of them. Even family.

PinkFlloyd · 30/08/2025 04:40

It's an amazing gift to be able to give your DC. Surely your parents understand the benefits of them being bi-lingual. I think they're being selfish to consider their discomfort over a few words is worth creating an issue within your family. I'm also shocked 8% think you're unreasonable.

Nanof8 · 30/08/2025 04:32

Your parents are being very unreasonable. I would be pleased if my grandchildren were learning a second language. In fact I would probably try to learn some of it as well.
The children learn quickly which language to speak with who. I grew up with several families that were bilingual and they always spoke one language at home and the other when they were out.
So your house, your rules, it doesn't sound like they are speaking Spanish to exclude your parents.

Diblin93 · 30/08/2025 00:04

If my grandchildren were bring brought up like yours are, I would be learning Spanish too so I could share this journey with them. I could make mistakes. They could laugh at me and correct me. This is how you build bonds. Keep doing what you’re doing. If the grandparents are too inflexible to think outside the box it’s they’re loss.

Smittenkitchen · 29/08/2025 22:10

My kids are bilingual, none of the grandparents have ever made any negative comments when the kids speak the other language DGP's don't understand much of. I always speak English to DCs no matter who else is there as it isn't the dominant language where we live. DC knows which language to speak in with each set of GP, or at least they will as they get older. I of course speak to my in-laws in their language. I don't think even this way of doing things is rude, we often translate when necessary, or DC translate or things are pretty obvious from context when in person. What you do, OP, is certainly not rude or objectionable. It is entirely their problem. If they keep on about it I think you should really lay out what you've said in your OP and say it really bothers you.

Parisienne123 · 29/08/2025 21:27

My kids are pretty much trilingual and it’s served them well. It’s a huge gift you are giving to your children, your parents are being unreasonable and should be thrilled for their grandchildren.