How do I stop my children from killing each other?

Did you have your own room as a child OP?

Do you have any aspirations and ambitions to give your DC their own bedrooms by changing the house you live in?

I had to share a bedroom with my siblings and my DH had to share a bed! Because of this we both worked really hard and moved areas to make sure our DC had their own rooms and bathrooms.

One of the things that we used to say to our DC was about what it was like to have to listen to them speak to each other the way they did. We asked them how they would feel if me and their dad spoke to each other the same way how they would feel about it.

Sometimes it's the way they think they have to behave. They were like this when younger but haven't adapted their use of communication to match their current age and skills.

Splitting their room isn't likely but also this provides an opportunity. What are their communication skills now? What are the challenges? How can parents create a plan with them to improve the current situation? Incentives for being respectful of others belongings, being pleasant (better to say nothing than be unkind or rude), etc. Noticing and verbalising when they work together, get them to say nice things about each other at the dinner table "what did you like about your sister today?" helps break down the feelings that this is a constant issue.

Sometimes parents can become frustrated when yet another disagreement is developing but demonstrating patience and a spirit of "lets work together to unpick it so that we can get along" can be helpful.

Myself amd younger sister never got on very well. As adults after our Mother died we just stopped seeing each other, no big debate, no saying what we thought. It’s six years now, made easy by a big geographical distance. I get on really well with my other 3 sisters.

I don't know op but I would say mine all have their own rooms and get still fight all the time.

We've tried different things and they work for a while but then something triggers one and the other two can't hold their tongue so it just escalates.

Just be careful it doesn't escalate.

I didn't even have to share a room after being 5 but by then my sibling had already broken my nose. Once we moved and I had my own room I the had another broken nose, a broken finger (that never set right) and the worse one was holding a pillow over my face very hard, how I got out of that I still don't. My parents just thought I was clumsy but I think I tried to pass it off as playing when it wasn't.

I think some siblings are just like that. My kids are 9 and 12, opposite sex so have their own bedroom and are exactly the same as yours. They will not leave each other alone but are constantly bickering, fighting, telling tales on each other, it drives me insane.
It feels like I've spent the last 6 weeks telling them to stay away from each other but they don't listen to me at all.
All I can do is hope they eventually grow out of it.

all this talking about not sharing a room doesn't solve the problem,
i agree with ignore the bad behaviour, praise the good,
and it may well be boredom/attention seeking. left to their own devices i bet they are much better behaved

Thats pretty much exactly how me & my younger sister were. We’re really close as adults but for most of our childhood I was happily doing stuff in my room while she’d have liked to play with me more, but I wasn’t interested.

On the few occasions when we had to share a room on holiday, sparks flew & I remember being deeply jealous of our brother who always got to sleep separately.

We started getting on once I was at university & nowadays we go on holiday together.

I think if we’d had to share a room as kids I’d have gone looking for my own space wherever I could find it, especially once I was old enough to go out alone.

I think this is a great idea. It doesnt even have to be anything special or a "fun" day out. Sometimes even just a car ride where it was just us felt so special because I didn't have to share my mom/dad in that moment. Grocery shopping would have been totally fine by me, it gives them a breather away from each other too. I only have one and shes only a baby but I can totally imagine balancing multiple kids and try give each one time on their own must be really hard, I just remember how desperately I needed that time with my mom or dad where it was just me and rarely got it. Fingers crossed it gets easier for you soon, FWIW my siblings and I got on alot better once we became adults

Three daughters here. We NEVER got involved. Never favoured one over another. We would holler 'is there blood?' and it would fizzle out.
They're adults now and still close, them don't argue.
I think any parental involvement fans the flames as they're getting a reaction. Remove the reaction and they give up trying.

Me and my siblings (4 of us) used to kill each other. It was largely because none of us got a break from each other and it used to be so hard living in each others pockets.
Imagine having to live with someone you didn't choose to live with, you are stuck with them 24/7, they take your things, get in your space, are loud, it feels like they pick on you etc. It would drive you mad too.

When I was a kid I absolutely craved time alone with my parents, I very rarely (if ever?) got it. Everything was always with the siblings. Which I get, its hard for parents to divide their time especially amongst 4 but I do really think it would have made a difference to our sibling relationships when we were kids and made us feel less anger at each other. If you can, try to give them some space and time apart from eachother, make each child respect the personal space of the other and allow them to have things that are just their own, not everything has to be shared. Also try to take each one out on their own sometimes and have a bit of 1:1. Its hard to always be fighting for your parents attention and being suffocated by the presence of siblings at every given second.

What do you do to help them manage their own feelings? Find healthy outlets for those feelings? See things from the other's perspective?

Do they have opportunities to work together on things where their individual strengths are recognised?

Basically, they need your help to learn how to treat each other kindly and with respect. There need to be clear consequences for poor behaviour. They need to recognise when the other is irritating them and take responsibility for managing their own feelings around this and responding appropriately eg by going into a different room rather than taking it out on each other.

Are they bored? Are they doing this for 'sport' - just for something to do?

Basically, you need to teach them. They need to learn to take responsibility for themselves but they can't do that on their own. And they need time and space to themselves. Have you spoken to them separately and mediated between them? Do you understand what their frustrations are? Do they feel heard and understood? By you? By the other?

They might never become the best of friends but they do need to be kind and respectful to each other. For their sakes. Even if the root cause is that they are just very different personalities, they're not happy are they?

All kids scrap. My grandsons are 5 and 7, and whilst they do play together nicely, sometimes it gets a bit fraught. So my daughter in law has set some rules. They have to earn stars for good behaviour to get privileges like screen time. Misbehaviour, especially fighting results in no stars. It does seem to work for them.

Is one double bigger? Could you split that with one of the Ikea type hacks?

What expectations do you have of their behaviour?

My mum would have described me and my sister the way you do. In reality she was allowed to run wild, ruin my stuff, take over the small space I had and it was very very hard living with her. It has taken over 30 years for us to have a good relationship which we do now.

My mum did nothing to mediate, assist and set boundaries. Being so close in age they need some guidance and to understand the consequences of their behaviour.

There’s a good book, Siblings Without Rivalry, which has some strategies for this type of thing. Can you use a room divider or Kallax units or something to split their room so they each have their own space?

Some siblings are just like that.
I know two sisters who were like that. Like cat and dog and it was relentless.
They got close when the older one got knocked up at 21 to a sailor but then fell out years later over the mother's house, when the mother died.
They're non contact now, which seems to be natural order of things, when it comes to them.

We’ve had a summer of bickering- 2 tweens, opposite sex. I have no words of wisdom.
yesterday I arranged for DS to do an activity instead of come to the swimming complex with dd and I. Dd spent the entire evening in tears because she doesn’t want to go swimming without her brother……after 8 weeks of arguing. My brain wants to explode.

i also wondered yesterday while they were ‘playing’ ‘let’s push each other off the pavement into the road’ how more siblings don’t accidentally kill or seriously injure each other!

if It gets fighty we do a reset where everyone sits in a separate room. Two DC share a bedroom so one of them goes in the lounge. Adults also get a separate room each (one has to go in the kitchen, small house!) to get our head space back.

We also have the curtains on the Ikea Kura beds so people can get some space/ privacy

I think you need to find some way to give them some personal space - can their room not be divided at all, even with a curtain or by using furniture?

I arranged by boys room so they couldn't see each other when in bed and got those ikea beds that are you can have either way up - either a high bed with space underneath, or a low bed with a frame over it, and then we draped a blanket over put curtains round (they changed which way up they had them a few times) so that they each had their own space in the room.

Then I was just very shouty firm that when the bickering started, they were to stay away from each other, not talk and not touch each other.

Seems to have worked, they've made it to early teens and both still alive/nothing major broken