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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse a boob job after DH said mine are “wrecked” post DC4?

520 replies

Hoistraft · 28/08/2025 18:21

bit of background first. ive just had DC4 about 6 weeks ago. total shock, was on the pill and it failed. tbh DH wasnt exactly over the moon about it, hes been a bit grumpy about the whole thing and weve been snapping at each other more than usual. im knackered, breastfeeding round the clock, house looks like a bomb site and i dont even know what day it is half the time.

so yesterday i was getting changed and he just comes out with “you should think about getting your boobs done, they’re a bit wrecked now after 4 kids”. i laughed it off at first but then he said he was serious and that “it would be good for both of us” if i sorted them. he keeps saying he’s only being honest and that it’s not a big deal these days.

i feel really rubbish now. yes theyre not what they were at 20 but i grew and fed 4 children with them and atm i actually think my body deserves a medal not a surgeon. im exhausted, hormonal and the last thing on my mind is cosmetic surgery. but part of me is wondering if im letting myself go and maybe hes right?

AIBU to flat out refuse or is it selfish to just expect him to accept me as i am now?

OP posts:
Homeandfireworks · 28/08/2025 19:42

Letsbe · 28/08/2025 18:25

You must have misheard him he probably said I think I should get a vasectomy.

I think this is what I would say to him and then get himself some serious therapy for being a total and utter dick

Gowlett · 28/08/2025 19:42

I’d love a man to go through birth. Just one man. Once.

TheHillIsMine · 28/08/2025 19:42

Congrats on your new baby.

Hope when you talk to him it goes well.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/08/2025 19:42

You commented up thread op that you love him, I would write down maybe exactly what you love about him right now. Not memories. Not how he used to be. Not how you want him to be.

I can get the negative list started from what you’ve told us tonight:

  1. misogynist
  2. views women as sex objects
  3. cruel
  4. nasty
  5. selfish
  6. unsupportive
  7. a useless parent if he can’t look after his own children solo for one weekend
Dogaredabomb · 28/08/2025 19:41

Wow, you literally grow, birthed and fed four children. I hope it's himself he's cross with for spaffing himself so much. And if anyone needs their tits chopped up it's him.

Robin67 · 28/08/2025 19:40

I suspect that he is punishing you for having gotten pregnant in the first place (because in his mind it's your fault somehow), or for not having a termination. You, despite the challenges of an unexpected 4th child, are just getting on with it. But he is pissed off and resentful and needs for you to be upset in order for him to feel better. He sounds like a tosser of the highest order. I hope he gets over himself and grows up soon. Don't do anything to your body that you don't believe you need.

Ask him to lose weight, get an abdominoplasty, bulk- up or get a facelift and see how he likes it. If he is literally physically perfect, recommend a personality transplant.

Beeloux · 28/08/2025 19:39

Urgh tell him to fuck off. I had my boobs done when I was 18. 10 years later after two dc (didnt breastfeed), they look horrendous. Droopy and you can see the rippling from the implant.

Personally I would love for a DP to pay for a new pair but that’s because I was stupid and young when I got them done and didn’t consider that they should be changed every 10. I regret getting them done now.

I would be suggesting he uses the money for a hair transplant or cock enlargement surgery.

Insomniaclily · 28/08/2025 19:39

Horrendous thing to say, especially when you've just given birth. I would be considering whether what he said is part of a pattern of behaviour and if so would very seriously consider leaving him. 💐

hibeat · 28/08/2025 19:36

candyflossbabe · 28/08/2025 19:31

If it makes you feel any better, my picture perfect natural 36 DD’s (like seriously they could have made me a fortune on Onlyfans if I had been so inclined 🤑😂) couldn’t get it together and produce any milk when I was trying to breastfeed and have now given me cancer (2 separate tumours in fact just to be greedy!) so ill be being booked in for a double mastectomy (I have BRCA1 gene) as they have not only not done what they were designed for, but have now tried to kill me, so they can well and truly get in the bin.

Yours are amazing no matter what they look like 🥰

Your Not So Dear Husband, seems like another candidate for said bin 🗑️ 🤮

Oh candy. Big hugs to you.

Catpiece · 28/08/2025 19:35

Just when you thought your mind could no longer be boggled.

CosyNavyLeader · 28/08/2025 19:35

Oh my god. I am so sorry you have been subjected to this cruel remark. What a horrible, horrible man.

If you didn't have 4 children, I'd tell you to up and leave immediately. But I understand you are in a vulnerable situation and it isn't easy when you have children.

I really hope that when the time is right, you can leave him and find someone who loves every inch of you. You deserve it. I'm so sorry.

namechangedforvalidreasons · 28/08/2025 19:34

I suppose he’s probably relaxed about surgery though, given he’s the world’s first fucking brain donor.

Original poster
Hoistraft · 28/08/2025 19:33

thank you again everyone, really appreciate all the kindness (and the humour too, some of these are brutal but in the best way 😅). it’s strange, i felt so small and embarrassed when he said it but reading your replies i feel more like “hang on, i’ve done nothing wrong here”.

you’re right, the timing says it all doesn’t it? six weeks postpartum, sore, tired, milk everywhere, and he decides that’s the moment to cut me down. i can’t wrap my head round why you’d do that to someone you love unless you wanted them to feel shit.

to the poster who said my body deserves a medal - thank you. that made me cry (in a good way). 4 kids in and yes, i am knackered and stretched and saggy in places, but i also grew and birthed actual humans. that should count for something.

and the point about cosmetic surgery recovery is so true - he wouldn’t even cope for a weekend alone with all 4 DC, let alone me being out of action for weeks.

i think the hardest bit is realising this isn’t just about boobs, it’s about how he sees me. and i’m not sure i like what that’s showing me atm.

OP posts:
WTF987 · 28/08/2025 19:33

Twat. If anyone should be having surgery it should be him having a vasectomy!

Daisymail · 28/08/2025 19:32

OverlyFragrant · 28/08/2025 18:24

Calmy now, is the man still breathing???

All jokes aside, of course yanbu.

Unfortunately no surgeon can do that personality transplant your partner so desperately needs.

Absolutely this!

Lulusept22 · 28/08/2025 19:32

Hoistraft · 28/08/2025 18:21

bit of background first. ive just had DC4 about 6 weeks ago. total shock, was on the pill and it failed. tbh DH wasnt exactly over the moon about it, hes been a bit grumpy about the whole thing and weve been snapping at each other more than usual. im knackered, breastfeeding round the clock, house looks like a bomb site and i dont even know what day it is half the time.

so yesterday i was getting changed and he just comes out with “you should think about getting your boobs done, they’re a bit wrecked now after 4 kids”. i laughed it off at first but then he said he was serious and that “it would be good for both of us” if i sorted them. he keeps saying he’s only being honest and that it’s not a big deal these days.

i feel really rubbish now. yes theyre not what they were at 20 but i grew and fed 4 children with them and atm i actually think my body deserves a medal not a surgeon. im exhausted, hormonal and the last thing on my mind is cosmetic surgery. but part of me is wondering if im letting myself go and maybe hes right?

AIBU to flat out refuse or is it selfish to just expect him to accept me as i am now?

His behaviour is disgusting. Your boobs have fed four children, what does he is expect? He sounds like a teenager and not a man

Allergictoironing · 28/08/2025 19:32

Tell him to watch a few episodes of "Botched". 2 top plastic surgeons in the USA who now spend nearly all their time correcting major problems caused by plastic surgery.

A boob job isn't just a case of a quick slice with a scalpel and pop the bags in, it's major surgery. Whereas a vasectomy is a quick in and out on the same day under a local anaesthetic taking about 15 minutes, boob job must be under general and can take hours. You would be in hospital for a few days and recovery can take weeks. You would have permanent scars under the boobs and around the areolae however good your surgeon is.

It also costs between £4-8k in the UK, and only an idiot goes abroad for a cheaper operation - there's a reason it's cheaper in some countries including less skilled surgeons and very poor aftercare.

candyflossbabe · 28/08/2025 19:31

If it makes you feel any better, my picture perfect natural 36 DD’s (like seriously they could have made me a fortune on Onlyfans if I had been so inclined 🤑😂) couldn’t get it together and produce any milk when I was trying to breastfeed and have now given me cancer (2 separate tumours in fact just to be greedy!) so ill be being booked in for a double mastectomy (I have BRCA1 gene) as they have not only not done what they were designed for, but have now tried to kill me, so they can well and truly get in the bin.

Yours are amazing no matter what they look like 🥰

Your Not So Dear Husband, seems like another candidate for said bin 🗑️ 🤮

MouseMama · 28/08/2025 19:30

I’m so sorry, that was so hurtful and I completely agree with you that you deserve a medal.

I had some cosmetic surgery a few years ago, a tummy tuck - which was an optional add on to some actually medically necessary surgery I was having. It sounds so appealing, a nip and a tuck and make it all tidy. Despite being a slim size 8, all the cosmetic surgeon saw was my age and many flaws and tried to upsell me to liposuction. It was a really gruelling 12 week recovery that saw my husband and mum take on the bulk of my family responsibilities. It made me realise that these cosmetic surgeries are far more full on than magazines would have us believe and it totally put me off having anything else done. I don’t regret it as such as I was on the operating table anyway but I would never choose to go back.

I think you should tell DH that he doesn’t need to worry about ever seeing your boobs again so it doesn’t affect him.

Ivenoname · 28/08/2025 19:29

Joeydoesntsharefood25 · 28/08/2025 19:19

So when you're at your most vulnerable, he chooses to hurt you. What he said was negging, it's abusive, the intent to wound your confidence. Why would he do that to someone he deeply loves and respects?

I agree with this.
He has really shown himself up for what he is.
Honestly OP I don't see how your marriage can recover now you know how little he cares about you.

whengodwasarabbit1 · 28/08/2025 19:29

4 babies! Your body is totally amazing and congrats on your baby! He's being a total knob, don't let him speak to you like that. Your body and boob's will recover from the birth, his shitty personality probably won't ever change though. What a complete moron.

LilacFrances · 28/08/2025 19:27

I'm sorry that you are going through a tough time without much/any support, help or encouragement from your husband. This should be a time of happiness for you both while you bond with your new little person. If your house is like a bomb site it tells us that your husband isn't helping you to clean it up. You might suggest to him that it would be good for both of you if he did something helpful. There is some other good advice in this thread too. Take onboard whatever you can cope with and whatever sounds good for you. Take good care of yourself.

the5thgoldengirl · 28/08/2025 19:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Dreamondreaminon · 28/08/2025 19:26

Hoistraft · 28/08/2025 19:20

yeah i think that’s it in a nutshell – i don’t actually care about “wrecked boobs” or whatever, i just want some bloody respect. like, i’m literally sat here feeding his newborn and he’s talking about cosmetic surgery. it’s such a kick in the teeth.

some of you saying porn… i wouldn’t be surprised tbh. he’s definitely been spending more time on his phone lately and i’ve caught him deleting history before. makes sense if he’s comparing me to whatever “perfect” bodies he’s looking at online.

and you’re right, i’ve let myself brush too much off because i hate confrontation and i’m always so tired. but i can’t keep swallowing it, i’m starting to feel smaller and smaller in myself.

the idea of spending “boob job money” on a divorce instead did make me laugh. maybe that would actually be money well spent 😅

That's actually a brilliant idea! Do you think you could play the game of letting him believe you'd have a boob job if he paid for it, then use the money on solicitors to divorce his arse? (Don't say any of that in writing to him, obviously 😅)

Ratafia · 28/08/2025 19:25

Seriously, if there is any repetition, you need to ask whether he really believes he is the Adonis you first married, and whether it would be kind for you to point out anything that has changed for the worse.