I can’t figure out who is right here.

You don't need to go with her is what he's saying which is correct. If she is concerned she'll be ripped off try looking at the reviews. If she's still worried she can always phone you or your husband from garage with extra questions but I can assure you that most garages don't just go round ripping people off. And yes you can stop being a helicopter parent at 22.

It's because he's her stepdad not her biological Dad.

At 23 our daughter was also in full time education and we would definitely have paid for something as important as car brakes - an actual safety issue! - for our daughter if she couldn't afford it.

How do you even need to ask if he is being unreasonable? Think what an unloving message you are sending your daughter - that you don't care if she is driving around in a car where there is a problem with the brakes.

Final year at Uni I imagine she is very stressed, I would help her sort it in fact I’d probably just do it all and yes I’d pay as sounds like she earns a pittance and I’m impressed she has a part time job in amongst her study.

just do what you know is right and to hell with DH, I mean if it was a wonky bumper but if faulty brakes I feel it a little more urgent.

My 20 yo has just brought her first car because she is dangerous and has written of 2 of our cars in very quick succession. I’m leaving her to it because she has to understand why we are pissed off and the utter shag factor of keeping a car on the road. Our insurance premium is now through the roof as well. Hopefully now it’s her money and shag factor she’ll stop being a dickbon the road.

Your Oh is a knob!

This is EXACTLY the stunt my father played...

These are the car's BRAKES ffs...

Will it be real world if your daughter has an accident as either

She's gone to useless garage

Or is ripped off!!

It's well known that solo women are often ripped off in garages...

I mean... Why wouldn't you help her source and accompany her to a good reliable garage...

Or does you Oh want to make it as difficult as possible for your daughter to complete her degree/learn about her car??

Car breaks are a safety issue and it needs to be seen immediately.
Who pays? whoever has the money now.
Will she get ripped off? unlikely but recommend where you get work done, let her set up the appointment.
It’s fucking obvious he’s a step parent.

I’d help her. She’s not flown just yet.

My job as a parent is to raise my kids to be fully functioning independent adults, so I think your DH is right that she should be able to take her car to the garage herself (go with her as a passenger the first time but she deals with the mechanics). My DD is a student with a car and I usually offer to go halves with her for any repairs and insurance. I top up her loan to the max and she works in a pub one night a week and a day at the weekend.

I agree and wouldn't think twice about it, neither would have my late husband, but I do realise it depends on your financial situation. Not everyone can afford to support their adult children financially. I hope you can because she needs the car and will be shouldering financial responsibilities soon enough.

It saddens me that, although you clearly CAN see who is right here, you need our back up to support your daughter against your resentful and uncaring husband.

He is not her step father as "father" implies a level of love and care, neither of which shows to her, to the point where he expects you to put his wishes above her needs.

I rather suspect that there is more to this than just his attitude towards your dd, including his attitude towards you and (guessing) his own (or your shared) child/ren.

I'd support her in sorting it out - go with her, advise who you'd call, help her pay for it.

I wouldn't swoop in and do the entire thing for her without her input at all, thats not how you learn to sort things for yourself.

You should probably have a word with her about doing household stuff without waiting for someone to point it out and ask for it to be done... that might help her a lot in future (and it is a skill you learn for some of us!) and go some way to not pissing off a person she lives with too.

If her course is one where working more hours isn't really practical, she should make more of an obvious effort around the house - that said, she is your kid and if you're happy she's pulling her weight and you want to help her... who gives a fuck what her step dad thinks?

This is the best solution. At 23:she should be capable of arranging where and when to take the car, I don't really see why you should organise that. I would pay for it though.
So I think you are both partly right.

I agree even more with this one!

Agreed.

The 'real world' lesson for her in this instance is that some men are tightwad, ungenerous pricks.

I did it with kids and tens of thousands of other student do it. It’s lazy.

My parents can and still help mr qnd my siblings in middl3 age if asked.
Howeverz this approach jas not worked out well fot enabling self sufficiency for some siblngs.
I would help a bit but at arms length to give her the experience of sorting the car out herself.

Your daughter is 23 and it will be an essential lesson for her to manage and arrange the fixing of her car.
She could ask you and SD or the business that sold her the car which motor mechanics she should approach.
DD23 is old enough to book an appointment; she has a phone.
She needs to handle the repairs. She can ask you for a loan if she is short of cash to pay.
DD23 also needs to help out routinely around the house in a way that is visible to SD.
Their relationship needs improving and it's fair that DD does agreed chores even if it means that you ask DH to help out more with younger children.

I think some of the comments here have been harsh to the husband. Being a stepparent is HARD. It requires years of sacrifice with very little thanks or reward. Bio parents don't always agree on parenting strategies yet the husband is being labelled as an AH and should be divorced immediately for having a different view. He DOES get to have a say. She is living in his home and being supported by him. There is obviously a lot more to this. There needs to be compromise and communication from all sides.

Maybe he simply believes you shouldn't own a car until you can afford to run one? I caught a bus and then walked for an hour each way to travel to my uni placement. It didn't do me any harm.

I would say to him very clearly is this your last view on the situation? Because if you take a different attitude with the other children I will divorce you. Once we just have the younger ones home they will have to be doing more housework to contribute as much as <dd> does the way she helps with them. Will you be making sure the chore chart is completed, and refusing to help them financially when they get a sudden large cost like a car breakdown?

how ever will they learn to be independent adults if they aren't taught?

Surely that teaching should have been happening their whole childhood, not just when they reach 18.

You should be raising adults, not children.

Do you have seperate money ?
if so and if you want to help her out I wouldn't let him tell me what to do with my money.
Would he take notice if you told him how to spend his money ?

Your daughter has a shitty step dad.

Yes, I would go along and help or at least your husband should. Cars are complicated beasts and the more info you can pass onto her for the future, to avoid getting ripped off the better.

My DD is younger- 17.
She gets PIP higher rate care, a £1200 payment each academic year to help with her studies (can't remember what it's called)

I pay for her fuel and her father pays for the car costs, except fuel, which I give her £100 for per week. DD pays for her lunches and coffees out but I put £75 a month onto her college account for food she eats in college itself (McDonald's etc comes put of her pocket)
Essential clothing I pay for. Fashion choices she now funds. Basic needs and phone contract are also my cost to meet.

Social stuff is generally her cost to pick up.

These young years are for guiding them, and easing them into adulthood, I think little by little, with opportunity to enjoy life a little is important. I'd hate the idea that my child was concerned about having their car looked at- and in future she may choose not to have her car looked at through fear of cost. Her father may want to consider if he would ever forgive himself if that decision ever arose and she came to harm.