AIBU to not really sympathize with a ‘shocking secret’ in my partner’s family?

I think there are lots of people who would lose a child and wouldn't sexually assault people "in their grief". You can sympathise with their grief whilst also not agreeing with their behaviour or accepting it as a valid excuse.

I don't think I'd let this preoccupy me, although I can understand it is quite shocking info that your absorbing right now. He's done the crime and done the time, i'd just make a mental note of his character and move on after you've processed it.

I don't see why you should have to 'keep his secret'. The first time I was flashed by a strange, adult man I was 11. Should I keep his secret too? Maybe he was really sad that day, maybe he'd had a loss, maybe his MH was suffering and exposing himself to young girls made it feel better... but who cares?

The guy is damaged and rather than dealing with it appropriately he chose to damage others. You are absolutely right to be repulsed, to want to keep your distance and (imo) to tell people why if you feel compelled to.

If he didn't want people to know him as a sexual abuser he shouldn't have sexually abused people. If his wife didn't want to be married to a known sexual abuser she should have left him. Ditto the rest of the family.

You are not wrong OP

Obviously it's one of those disturbing revelations that is going to make you feel shocked and unsettled.

But in all honesty, not your circus , not your monkeys.

Over analysing some aunt and uncle in your husband's family isn't really a healthy past time. It's a little over obsessive. And if you're honest with yourself - are you really concerned about the victims of his rumoured flashing from a past time ? Or are you invested in family drama/gossip ? (It's much easier when it's not your own to revel in stuff like this )

Seeing as he's not closely in contact with you and you have no facts or current information: id forget it and get on with your life.

His family's way of dealing with things is so typical of families in times gone by. Stick your head in the sand, don't say anything to anyone and pretend none of it happened. It's very old fashioned, but very much typical of that generation.

It's his wife's problem to deal with if she's married to a pervert.

I think you need to move on o/p.

he’s been caught and dealt with. If he hasn’t offended since all you can do is distance yourself.

similar in my family. Big family secret with cousins, that apparently everyone knew except me and my side/immediate family. I was furious when I found out, as the offender was protected and never reported. They knowingly put other people at risk.

however now the offender is dead and the victims don’t want to drag it back up by reporting when he won’t face any consequences anyway. So I don’t speak to those people at all, and I never will.

I understand your unease and revulsion. I'd feel the same.

Personally, I would just conclude that I personally wanted no contact with these people. When/if paths really had to cross at any point then it would be in very short doses only and any children I had would not be left unsupervised anywhere near them.

That would be it for me.

I do absolutely have sympathy for anyone who has lost a child, but personally I can't see how that prompts him to then start flashing himself at women.

I think it's okay to have a negative opinion of him privately, but I'd leave it at that. If it comes up between you and your partner again, I'd tell him that it's changed how you view certain members of the family, and that will inevitably influence future interactions (and your level of comfort with his uncle), but you won't mention it.

You could have heard the details of this 'secret' from anyone in the area, and your partner can't really dictate how you feel about things. Regardless of the uncle's excuse and whether or not it had anything to do with his behaviour, it's unpleasant, and I wouldn't feel completely at ease with him, with that in the back of my mind.

(And I most definitely wouldn't allow any children or future children to spend time alone with him. I'd try to keep all interactions with him civil but at arm's length, in fact. I'd be rather annoyed at partner for not mentioning this before, as well, though I see how it's awkward to bring up.)

This. I would steer well clear of him. Grief is a bullshit excuse.

I am not sure what you want to happen, or who is requiring you to feel sympathy.

Your partner and his family seem to feel ashamed of the uncle - this is a dirty family secret, they're not asking you to see him as a victim and you're fairly low contact as a result, unless I've missed something.

You're basically correct - his "I did it because of the grief" excuse is bullshit. But the only escalation at this point is to go no contact completely - is that what you want? If it is you have to be clear about it and about your reasons - is it because you perceive him to still be a danger, or just because what he did was so distasteful?

No way on earth I'd be socializing with someone like that, nor would they be allowed anywhere near any kid in my family, and I'd be happy to tell everyone why.

There is no right or wrong way for you to feel about this. You also now cannot 'unknow' it. For what it's worth, I think you should not overthink this, he did wrong, was convicted and paid his dues - that is closure. It was a long time ago. Unless you yourself have experienced the death of a child you cannot know what that is like. Grief can drive you mad - literally. Keep your distance if that makes you feel better, keep talking to your other half (or counselling) and try to leave it be.

This. This thread is very outing, OP.

No, you are not being heartless. I don’t see how grieving the loss of a child could “turn” someone into a sexual predator.

2 separate things. Lots of people have terrible experiences but don't go out flashing because they are suffering.

Do you feel disappointed in him? This seemingly, pleasant and polite relative has a dark side you never knew about. Also, maybe slightly vunerable as you now know he was a flasher to young women, like yourself. Also perhaps your partner should have warned you that you shouldn’t be alone with him?

You now know your partners Uncle was (is) a sex offender (against adult women? Or alao girls?). He sex offended in a ruralish(?) area but in parks so a high risk of being traced by being recognised. That could have been a self-harm element or an indication of him seeking an extra thrill from the risk.

Your partners Dad was livid but had to accept that his sister was going to keep on living with him.

His Dad made sure your partner was aware of the sexual offending.

You did not like his Aunt and this is not showing her in a better light.

If you have children you need to make sure that both you and your partner are aware of safeguarding around grooming and sexual abuse as his direct family history may indicate weekness in this area of parenting.

Well it's a very odd way of dealing with the loss of a child, that's for sure. Not really a vaild excuse in anyone's book. But he's paid the penalty and hopefully, presumably has behaved himself since and had some sort of therapy/tretment. I'd be wary that anyone with those sorts of tendencies was ever fully rehabilitated, and my fear would be that they were merely masking or suppressing unsavoury urges, as opposed to no longer having them at all.

I certainly wouldn't want to be alone with him or leave any children alone with him, but other than that I can't see any point in making a song and dance about it now. You are not being heartless to feel as you do, that's vaild. But what do you expect you can do about it? Just give them both a wide berth. You don't like her anyway and he's a pervert.

YANBU

I ld just distance myself from these people and not mention them in passing again.

It was a long time ago, it was found out and reprimanded. It's not for anyone to police either of them for this particular historic wrongdoing. I ld continue to let sleeping dogs lie, but I ld also not rate either the Aunt or her husband, serious judgment issues there.

OP I completely see your point!

His offence was something that we know now is a step on a path towards being a rapist. If he hasn't become a rapist, then that's all well and good, but 1 how do you know? and 2 does he harbour these tendencies still?

Rhetorical questions which nobody can answer, but it's not like he went on a bit of a bender because he was grieving and committed criminal damage or something. That I could see was connected. And all that time ago, people will have given him the benefit of the doubt.

You don't have to. I suppose you just have to keep quiet, but inside you can feel whatever you want to about it.

Do you have a relationship with this man? If so can you just keep your distance?

Otherwise I don't think you need to make a thing of it now. It doesn't really affect you and while there's no excuse for that behaviour they clearly suffered something unthinkable so just leave them alone. If he were doing it now it might be different but it doesn't sound like he is.

Tbh this is my thinking on it as well.

In a way I'd say better the devil you know - I'd be glad you now know this is something he's done as really it speaks to his values/misogyny and that he has dangerous proclivities even if he's not actively behaved in this way for some time.

I would have a conversation with your partner about it and discuss their feeling on it and I'd also reflect on the seriousness of your relationship. If this is someone you see yourself having kids with or marrying and becoming a part of his family then if he feels the same he needs to be open with you about the family dynamics you'd be marrying into and personally I would never be comfortable with having children around this man nor would I want to be in the same room as him. Your partner has grown up around this from before he could really understand and consent to whatever relationship he was expected to have with his uncle. But you are coming in with fresh eyes and no blood ties to this man so you're able to look at it all more objectively. I would want to know that your partner is happy to go no contact with them and I'd not want to see him again. As others have said this is not a normal outworking of grief. Its an outworking of sexual deviance and a need to have power and control over others and to seek pleasure in others distress and inability to consent to the behaviours. If the family are expecting you to just play happy families then I'd be very deeply worried about their ability to safeguard any potential children you may have from him. Or if they'd support you if he began to act in a way that made you uncomfortable.

Feel however you want. I mean, you're not the jury deciding whether to declare him guilty of a crime. You're a grown up who understands both the messiness of family dynamics and the fact that this family member of your DH's was committing entry-level sex crimes against women and girls. That both things can be true that he was suffering after the loss of a child, and that he was exposing himself for kicks. That there might be a relationship between the two things without the one in any way excusing the other. It's not that the family succeeded in covering it up, either he went to court and was put on a register. They just don't talk about it.

He's your partners uncle ( by marriage) so not even a sibling of his parents. There's no need for you to have any kind of relationship with him, if your uneasy.
I think there are two options really. Accept that his crime was in the 90's, that he paid for it 30 years ago and remain civil. Or you can decide to go no contact. It's your decision to make.

I do sympathise with you. But I would be relieved to know especially if I was planning to have children.
He may have reformed but also I wouldn’t want to leave children with him/to have too close contact.
Also you know this is a family that keeps secrets, so I might be concerned about that. And would want to be sure there are no more lurking before I got married or had children.

Having read many many files of ex-offenders, all rapists have flashing on there somewhere. It isn’t treated as ‘serous’ and it should be. Families that sweep this stuff under the carpet are typically not safe families. They prioritise face over safety.

I’d be worried. Especially if I wanted children who might ever be around him.