AIBU to not really sympathize with a ‘shocking secret’ in my partner’s family?

What? Did you read the OP?

That's an awful thing to find out and I understand why it makes you uneasy.

Stay away from them.
If you have any children, keep them away from them.
If there are any other vulnerable young women in the family, remain as vigilant as you reasonably can for them.

Not much else that can be done, but what he did was horrible and now you have the 'burden' of knowing now as well.

I get that you are shocked but not sure about the title, who is asking you to sympathise? It sounds to me like they are carrying a lot of shame. You say it really upset the family and caused a scandal, I'm not sure what else you want to have happened?

I would worry more about the men who are committing these crimes today, rather than those doing it 30 years ago.

It’s grim and of course it would change the way I thought about him.

If he hasn’t reoffended in all this time, then there probably isn’t any reason to think he will.

But I would keep my children away from him and I’d avoid being alone with him myself.

There is zero chance of any kids being left alone with him, they hardly ever see the aunt and uncle anyway.

There is no feeling you 'should' have about this. It is a disturbing thing to discover, and you will feel disturbed by it. I honestly think giving it time and space will help you process your thoughts and feelings about this - don't expect it to all fall into place immediately. It's a lot to take in.

That may be so but Op needs to be very careful any children are kept well away as he is clearly a sex offender. Personally I think this stuff needs to be out in the open to protect children. A relative of mine hid the fact her husband was on the register for looking at photographs of child rape. I cannot tell you how angry it made me because it put my children at risk. I am still angry about it and with her tbh.

It is very much her business if she is ever thinking of having a child with her partner. The whole family are hiding the facts they have a sexual predator in the family even if by marriage. In such circumstances where the family think this is OK under no circumstances would any child of mine be left alone unsupervised with any member of that family. If her DP does not see the issue I would reconsider the relationship.

I think it's really easy and understandable to believe that he's a sexual deviant and is only not re-offending (assuming he isn't) because of the fear of getting caught.

If this were a member of my family, I would have the same reaction as many others on this thread - I'd be apalled and wouldn't want him around children. I'd be furious because women are still under attack in so many ways in society, and we shouldn't have to be afraid just for daring to leave the house.

But if you want me to give a more detached and objective view, I would say that although flashing is a low-level "entry" crime that features in the history of many rapists and other sex offenders, we don't know the full facts. I can't imagine the grief of losing a child, I just can't. It is possible that he was deliberately self-sabotaging, trying to harm himself and ruin his life because he felt it was worthless or because maybe he subconsciously blamed himself? We don't know. You'd have to know more about the circumstances of what he did, why he did it etc to be able to get the truth. And 30 years on there's absolutely no change of finding any of that out.

I am not saying what he did was OK. But understanding why someone acted the way they did and excusing it are two different things. People sometimes do awful and terrible things out of grief. Just because one person copes doesn't mean other does.

The thing is though, you don't know if any of that applies. Maybe it was just a terrible reaction to grief. But maybe he is just a sexual deviant that could have been dangerous if left unchecked. You'll never know. So in your shoes I'd probably assume the worst and act accordingly ie/keep children away and as a woman, not be alone with him.

Just as a point of reference, a man flashed at me in the woods when I was a child, I was sexually abused by a family member in my early teens, and then raped as an adult. So I'm not saying any of the above from a place of not understanding.

Nightrainrocketqueen Im wondering whether you may need to prepare any responses if this subject ever comes up again with your work ‘Collegue’?

I agree.

It is in the past. You really should not listen to gossip. Uncle was punished, end of. It's not your business.

I would be completely creeped out. If someone's reaction to grief is to flash women in parks there is something VERY wrong with them. I don't buy grief as an excuse. He sounds like a foul perv.

@Nightrainrocketqueen well it isnt that much of a secret if people in the village still remember names from over 30 years ago!!

Yes, this ^ but also sexual offenders often tend to also be very complex characters who are particularly skilled in manipulating others around them. Paedophiles don't just groom children for example, they often groom the adults around the child in order to gain trust and access.

Unfortunately getting caught may have led to him being more careful in how his tracks are covered rather than never repeating harmful behaviours.

You usually have no idea if a man is on a sexual offender register. And it's only hearsay here, unless the op finds out more, her DP was told something as a child and there is some village gossip about them being odd. Just saying I would want to find out more if I were becoming part of the family.

I don’t think you are heartless.
I would have a conversation with your partner, it’s wrong to keep it secret from you - once you became a part of the family you should have been warned about this person and his past. I think not telling you have made things much worse tbh as now you are suspicious what else you haven’t been told.
Secondly I would distance myself from them even further.
Thirdly I would restrict significantly them seeing your children or discuss it for the future. And I would mean it,
Added : and I don’t buy this stuff about mental breakdown after death of their child. He could focus on fundraising or volunteering or even drinking would be better.

Yes take precautions as with all men, but I definitely take more precautions with someone who is a convicted sex offender!
Bloody hell.

Can you find the details of the court case, you might find a lot more details of what happened and under what circumstances. It seems not to have been worthy of a custodial sentence. Before judging too much I would want the full details, was he going through a literal mental breakdown, was he medicated for his grief or self medicating and drunk. Sometimes knowing half the story is worse than knowing the whole thing, on the other hand you may find the family are playing it down. Also what did the child die from and how traumatic were the circumstances? I think it's a big jump to say he might be a danger to children, although sensible to take precautions as with all men.

To be fair you have published it to the population of the globe and the there is every chances of someone reading it who knows about it given the specifics.

You say you can't talk to anyone about it but it makes you quite identifiable given the unusual circumstances

Me too. Plenty of people sadly lost children and don’t become sex offenders. The aunt chose to stay with him too, I could never. “He was tried and punished!” Well boo bloody hoo. Once a sex offender, always a sex offender. I’d not be in their company ever again.

Honestly, I would just talk about it with your mum. Having gossip/ bitch sessions with a trusted friend or family member is cathartic.

I agree - how many men experience loss and manage to avoid becoming a pervert? 'I wasn't coping...' what with - the emasculation of crying or feeling vulnerable? - so a bit of casual misogyny is just the ticket to repair you then? Toxic wanker.

You're not heartless at all, I imagine it was quite a shock. You can feel whatever way you do feel about it but give yourself time to process it.

OP, our extended family has a ‘secret’ a bit like this and at the time it also went to court and was in the local papers. It obviously affects your relationship with the person but for me, I have now put it in a mental box with the justification that he was (thankfully) caught and did his time (plus faced the public humiliation). He’s not a danger to anyone (he’s very elderly and in poor health now) so I’ve made my peace with it and basically don’t view it as my business.

Obviously this is new information for you and means that if you have to see him, it’ll alter how you view and interact with the uncle but ultimately you’ll drive yourself a bit nutty if you think about the whats and ifs too much.

If he hasn’t offended since

The high recidivism rates of sex offending are matched by the low conviction rates. All you can say that that he hasn't been caught and convicted since.

Exactly this!

I would not let my children anywhere near a sec offender, no matter how long ago the crime occurred.