Money 'borrowed'

Gosh I think this is awful on their part. Obviously the excitement of the wedding made them want to show off to friends and family and now they are realising that they couldn't actually afford it. Not your problem. They are the ones who went all out beyond their means. As a side note, I would also be hurt that your plans werent good enough.
How stressful for your dh too especially with 3 babies in the house soon. If they do insist I would tell them I'll pay half over time. Definitely not the full amount because it was they overspent , not you. If they want to have any kind of relationship with their grandchildren they will surely see sense.

It looks like they haven't got as much as they thought for their retirement doesn't it.no way should they ask for money back from you .surely they don't think a cruise is more important than their child's happiness and security. I would just say look guys.we had a good wedding but you paid more because you wanted to .we didn't ask.we can't afford to pay you back .it was never mentioned at all.

Tell them you need a face-to-face meeting between them, you and your husband. Prepare carefully: write a list of times/issues where they either specifically said, or gave you the impression, that the money was a gift, not a loan.

For instance, if they weren’t paying for the wedding why did your dad think he had any say in what the menu was, or what musicians were there? (Your mum and the wedding dress is not so clear cut - maybe she just thought you looked better in the more expensive one. Did you say "but I can’t afford that"? Did she say "Don’t worry, I’m paying"?)

When you say your parents originally offered you £10k to get married abroad, do they agree that would have been a gift or are they saying that would have been a loan too?

Tell them outright that you just don’t have the money to repay them. You’re entitled to have family holidays. Taking out a loan is a bad idea as you’d end up paying so much extra in interest. Tell them that if they absolutely insist, you will have to set up a direct debit for what you can afford, e.g. £10 a week, and ask if that is what they really want, when it means you’ll have less to spend on their young grandchildren.

But it sounds to me as if there’s more to this than you’ve told us. Unless they are very hard-up, £100 seems a very low amount to spend in total on a daughter getting married. Have you recently made what they consider an extravagant purchase? Have you fallen out with them about something else?

OP you have kids, if you did the same would you expect things to be the same between you afterwards?

My dad did similar to me with a flat deposit and literally saw me go without food to pay him back. It wasn’t for a mortgage it was for a rental deposit and a month upfront and was definitely offered as a gift, he knew how much I’d struggle to pay it back and didn’t need the money.

The relationship will never recover now, my dad has been dead 11 years and I still feel so much anger over it, if I’d known it wasn’t a gift I’d have saved longer and wouldn’t have spent the following year with no heating on and eating plain pasta and walking two miles to work and back in the rain because I couldn’t even afford the bus.
This was after giving my sister thousands as an actual gift but that’s a separate issue.

I’m in therapy and this is something that I spent quite a lot of time trying to get past, even if you pay back the money and try to stay on good terms you will resent the deception and struggling to find money so your parents can blow it on a cruise!

Please don’t give your parents any money, you will honestly hate them more in the future then if you stay firm and say no now. If you are forced to struggle whilst handing over money you didn’t ask for then you will become more and more angry and bitter. Fair enough if they desperately needed it but they are asking you to struggle so they can spend it lavishly without a second thought for you.

If you just say no and you don’t have it now then it might result in an falling out but that might be possible to come back from if you can get them to understand your point of view. If they don’t now then they might in the future but even if you do end up falling out then you will know that you were in the right - as this thread proves to you.

If you do pay it you’ll have a long period of time where you will struggle to pay it back and you might have a surface level relationship but underneath that bitterness and resentment will build and you’ll also be angry at yourself for allowing yourself to be treated in this way. You will see your kids going short whilst your parents don’t care and show you holiday photos, there is no way any relationship can survive this.

There is also the fact your husband will feel similar anger and that’s going to put strain on your relationship with each other.

Put your husband and kids first, they don’t deserve to come second to your greedy grabbing parents who used your wedding to show off.
I know it hurts, it’s fucking sickening and you have my complete sympathy. The way to solve this isn’t by giving money though, I’d do what a pp suggested and show them this thread.

I’m afraid I’m with @WiddlinDiddlin . I wouldn’t pay a penny, I would laugh and pretend it was a joke every time they mentioned it, and I’d accept that my parents fundamentally don’t care very much about the relationship between you. That’s an extremely hard thing to realise about your own parents. Obviously I’m afraid you should never accept a penny from them again. The idea that most parents give their daughter £100 as a wedding present is particularly silly - on here that’s the kind of money people suggest as a present if you’re a distant cousin!

Just to say that I am the widowed parent of an only child, and my dp has just given his daughter a lump sum as a major contribution to her wedding, She’s currently doing well with a recent promotion and he’ll be retiring soon. It would never have crossed our minds to ask for the money back!

97% is 97 out of 100 ...

Your parents have crunched the numbers for your father’s early retirement and have decided that 10K will come in very handy indeed, and they got carried away spending so much on your wedding. As a result they are now rowing back on the agreement and rewriting the past.

It is not the actions of decent parents op, and regardless of how this turns out I expect you will see them in a different light now.

Be firm, and crystal clear and bring it up as soon as you can when you next see them. The money spent on the wedding was their idea, and was not a loan. I would acknowledge that they clearly regret some of the choices they made whilst upgrading your wedding to suit their requirements, but it’s too late now and you obviously won’t be repaying them, and would never have agreed to a loan.

Most/many parents contribute to the weddings of their children, it’s not unusual at all. It sounds like they wanted to show off in front of their friends, and now they don’t want to pay for it! Awful behaviour.

So how much was the wedding all up? Was this the "cheap package"? What else did they pay for over and above that 10k...or am I being obtuse here? How much did all the extra guests and fancy food come to?

Frankly, it seems to me that none of you have much of a grasp of reality about money, and are incapable of discussion about it. Do you own a house? Do you have savings?
I get that your DH works hard as a tradie, but you take two holidays a year on one income? Your mother apparently has very little money in retirement but insists on a ludicrously expensive dress and veil? Has she ever actually worked? If your DF is taking early retirement but needs the money back for something as unnecessary as a cruise, he can't afford to retire. He can't afford luxuries. He needs to get a grip, as does your mother.

Its more than 97 people, the fugure is a percentage, OP pay nothing unless they have got proof, not just their word, that you agreed to a loan.

This is a very good point. If they didn't hand over any cash to you for you to decide how it was spent, then I agree it was neither a gift or a loan.

So ignore your parent's totally unreasonable, grubby demands.

You've got 97 people out of 100 saying THEY are unreasonable. I totally agree.

They were pushing you to spend more on your wedding, they told you the money was still yours even though it was a UK venue, they never said "Pay us back in your own time" or anything else about a loan. In short, they acted as though they were gifting you the hog roast, the dress, etc, and never at any point suggested their contribution was not a gift!

They've changed their minds because they're nervous about the cost of their cruise, aren't they. To try and claw their holiday money back from your wedding is a horrible thing to do, and no wonder you're upset. Don't pay them.

As a PP said, the fallout may be horrible but they'll probably soften out in the end. What they're doing is so unpleasant, I think you should be prepared to let them go if they want to keep on about this. Just block them.

I feel for you. You had a lovely wedding; please don't let your ridiculous parents take the shine off it for you!

Was your parent’s gift mentioned in wedding speeches (to thank them for paying) or when you all caught up to socialise and discuss wedding plans, was there any mention that it was intended as a gift?

You could add up all the things you did that you only did because they wanted you to, then present them with that bill and only pay any difference between that and the 10k (if you can afford it).

But I would tend to go with the standing up to them and paying nothing option that most posters are suggesting. Their treatment of you over this is very poor. It’s like they don’t see you as an autonomous person at all. Letting them railroad you over the wedding was perhaps understandable when it seemed like it was a gift from them - but still insisting on guests you did not particularly want is pretty poor. Something that used to be normal when weddings were actually hosted by the parents but a controlling way of treating adult children, nevertheless. Standing up to them and being clear you aren’t prepared to roll over is an important part of separating yourself from them.

They have looked at their finances and realised they can’t afford the lavish retirement they imagined so are taking it out on you by changing your agreement. How any parent could do this knowing your situation is beyond me. You have to stand your ground OP. Having them deduct the money from your inheritance is a fabulous idea, do not hand over any money to them!!

How awful for you! What are they thinking? They had the wedding they wanted and now demand the money back. You're definitely not in the wrong.

Nah - its tempting to think that by going along with this and somehow finding the money, you can save the relationship with your parents.. and also that it is your responsibility to do this.

It isn't, and you can't. They threw that relationship under a bus when they decided to try and screw that money out of you by claiming it was a loan.

IF it had been a loan there would have been a written agreement, repayment terms etc etc.

There was not, there is not, because it was a gift not a loan and they can go and fuck themselves and their fucking cruise. The absolute cunts.

This would be a horrific thing to do to a friend or aquaintance (not that you'd be likely to give an aquaintance that much money). To do it to their child is beyond the fucking pale.

My parents did exactly the same thing. I was furious. Especially as we had three babies under two (surprise twins) and were on our arse financially when they moved the goal posts. Also, they invited almost half of the bloody guests because they had been so “generous”. I had messages thanking them for their very generous “gift” though. I sent them copies of all the messages and said that this was unacceptable. (They were loaded, so didn’t need it. They were just tight.) I told them to take it out of my inheritance - which they did, and then some. Golden child was given more than 3/4 of the estate after them subsidizing his existence well into his 40’s. Gross, petty people.

How unfortunate.
Look back over any correspondence and also recall conversations about the dress etc.
Write down your clear memories, dates etc.

Show your parents all your recollections and ask where in all the communication did they once mention the word LOAN.
I don't think you owe them anything.
But you don't weant a terrible relationship do you?

In the mean time save what you can - even 1000 - and give that back to them (with documentation).
Next year forgo your holidays and pay that amount back to them.

Then I would tell your parents that you can not afford to repay any more money. Ask them to write the loan into their Will.

Absolutely do not take out a loan to pay for your parents cruise. You are so to be parents to 3 under 3 you will need every penny.

Go through all your texts if you still have them (old phones too) and check if there was any mention of loaning you the money or any mention of them wanting it back just in case you missed it. Be prepared to screenshot requests for the wedding extras you mention.

I personally think they have made a rough assessment of your current finances and think you are doing both alright, so you can give the money back they spent.

You need to explain that you both thought it was a contribution to a family wedding and that you don't have that kind of cash if they have now changed their minds.

This is all v strange. Did they ask in-person or via text? I wonder if they somehow resent you’re a sahm? Or are criticising / making assumptions your spending in other areas?

Id stand firm that you never understood this to be a loan and are they sure that’s what they believe and want pursue knowing your current family financial situation? If they say yes then reply with what a reasonable payment plan looks like for you and make clear the impact this will have on your family finances “ok as a SAHM we can direct my modest pension or the junior isas into this but otherwise there is no budget”. Alternatively you could ask your parents for suggestions on which family members or that DH’s parents might be able to help on your unexpected loan so they can take their cruise - I would be fairly sure that they be embarrassed if others knew they were not only rescinding their ‘generosity’ (did they take credit on the day?) but wanted to push a young family into a difficult financial position for a holiday.

Do not take a loan out for this or get into debt with a bank or other lender.

Old me would be like “pay them and then never talk to them again” but I’ve always regretted every single instance that I felt I “had” to pay even though there was no legal obligation.

Do you have a genuinely good relationship with them or has this been a good-as-long-as-it’s-their-way relationship?

It sounds like neither a gift not a loan. It sounds as if you were never in possession of the £10k. Your parents simply chose things and paid for them, in other words, they entered a load of contracts they wanted to enter and paid for them. If the money was a "loan" to you, then there would have been clear intention of this being the case, and presumably you would have been in control of the loan and clear as to the terms of repayment. If it had been a gift, again, presumably you would have been in receipt of the money with full control over how to use it. Sounds to me like your parents bought and paid for a wedding they wanted, and you were allowed to partake in it.

So your parents think it acceptable to suddenly demand payment of a loan only they knew about just so they can go on a cruise?

OP, you need to calmly remind them that they not only offered to pay for elements of the wedding, but decided to choose the more expensive versions and also invited their own friends, which you would not have done if you knew you had to pay for it yourself.

Then tell them that if they persist in their shabby behaviour, you will not be seeing them again and will not be around when they need help when they are older. Remind them that they will be the ones missing out from being in their only child's life and that of their only grandchildren for the sake of wanting to go on a cruise.

Stand firm OP. Do not pay them a penny.

This is dreadful, and what a very unpleasant shock to have been told this. - And this is 3 yrs further on!
Maddening your Mum encouraging the purchase of a more expensive wedding dress, your Dad altering the catering, and both of them increasing the guest list.

I understand yr husbands feelings. Also you not wanting to have an all and all falling out. If yr parents insist on repayment, the only way, as I see, around it is to pay an agreed amount to them each month.

Sadly tho, this probably has impacted negatively on your relationship, and that’s such a pity. Be very cautious regarding money and yr parents in future!

DH and I have two DDs and financed both their weddings totalling about £35k. They never asked for it, and would have managed themselves, but we had the money and it gave us great pleasure. We've given them both other monies too at times of need. Never in a million years would we ask for any of it back.

We are fortunately not in need of it for ourselves.

We have occasionally also made them smaller loans to help out at times of need and sometimes they've paid them back when they could afford it and at other times we've told them not to bother.

Hold fast, OP, and make it clear that you never (NEVER) had any thought that it was a loan and if you had known that you would have refused it, plus would not have spent so much on the dress and reception, let alone invite people that you hadn't considered inviting. If they are able to produce some evidence that they had said it was a loan then you'd have to consider that possibility, but it would not be enforecable legally and would ruin your relationship and possibly their relationship with their GC.

I can't imagine why they are doing this for the sake of an expensive cruise. We're hoping to go on our third such cruise next year but it's all been budgetted and they know it..

By being open, my DDs also know that if they needed money in future they could still ask us - but tbh we are spending it on ourselves now, with their blessing.

Hold firm on this - it is unreasonable of them.