Money 'borrowed'

So it's been three years since they gave/lent you that money (with no repayment schedule set up or repayments made) and no mention has been made of the 'loan' in all this time?
It seems to me their circumstances have changed and they now want the money back (eg for the cruise) so they are furiously backpedalling.

Unpleasant for you and of course it will change how you view them and your relationship with them.
But I suppose for family harmony you may have to agree to repay it, in instalments, not as a lump sum which you cannot afford to do at present. So they will have to suck that up.

I think I’d pay it back at £100 a month and lower contact

I think you just explain it like you have here - you wouldn't have made those changes and some of them were at their request. At no point did they indicate it was a loan so therefore you will not be paying them anything.

It sounds purely like they want a fancy cruise and have decided to get you to pay for it!

Please do not do this. This is terrible advice.

Do not get yourself in to debt with 3 children under 3 and one person working - just so your parents can go on a cruise.

Op did your parents give you 10k into your account then get the wedding upgrade, or did the upgrade happen then they paid the difference?

From a legal perspective you cannot gift somebody something and 3 years later ask for it back.

There's two issues here, the first being the money and you should hold firm and confirm to them they indicated it wad a gift. The second issue is the damage to the parent child relationship and sadly for me, that would be severely damaged.

Mostly because she said she has a good relationship with her parents. And it may not be good if she says she won't pay any back. I suppose it depends what's more important.
I cant believe in 3/4years they didnt discuss this at all. And at no point did the fact that it was a loan come up

I don't think you do have a good relationship with your parents because treating your child like this isn't what you'd find in a good relationship.

I find it shocking that they interfered with your wedding by changing things like the food and dress and adding extras that they wanted. Providing money towards a wedding doesn't mean you can interfere like that.

They gave you the money as a gift and if they didn't, they failed to make it clear that it was a loan. It not hard to say "we can lend you 10k, but will need it back".

What's happened is they gave you the money, now they're feeling short on cash (which is ridiculous because it's for a cruise) and they're asking for it back. It's plain wrong and really horrible that they would put you in this position.

Iif it was me, I would start by telling them that I understood it to be a gift and by pointing out that much of the increased cost was dictated by them when they demanded extras or changes to the wedding plans. I'd make it clear that I don't think it is fair to pay it back because of this. If they didnt accept that then I would agree to pay the 10k back (at my own pace) but would make it clear that its damaged our relationship beyond repair.

If they think destroying their relationship with their daughter is worth 10k for a cruise, there is something seriously wrong with them.

I too would assume it was a gift and not pay them anything. We had gifts from both sets of parents when we married without interference but help with planning when asked.

MoneySavingExpert has a guide to borrowing and lending money with friends and family. It is very clear that you should only lend money you can afford and you should have a written agreement, which can be informal for small amounts but £10k isn't a small amount. No written agreement = gift not loan.

Prioritise your DH and DC over your parents changing their minds. Be very firm in any discussions.

As a gesture of goodwill you could give them a £100 gift card towards a happy retirement but that would be it.

Tell them to take it out of your inheritance, which of course you hope will be a long way off, so say they can add on some interest if it helps!

You accepted their help in good faith, they haven’t mentioned loans and repayments before, there is nothing in writing. I don’t know why they suddenly need the money, but that is their problem to deal with, not yours.

I don't suppose there is a wedding video of the speeches where your dad stated how proud he was to pay for the wedding? (A gift not a loan). That might help clear things up?
Really sorry they have done this OP.

I’m afraid your relationship will never recover so you might as well not get into debt to pay them the money. It’s definitely not a loan by the sounds of things.

my DSis did this to me, albeit on a much smaller scale (hundreds not thousands) and we’ve never been the same since.

They have clearly changed their minds with your father's early retirement looming and the lack of income coming in soon. No one is buying that it was ever a loan. You are not in any position to pay and nor should you imo. The spending of £3500 on the wedding dress/veil is somewhat making me cringe though, whoever was paying.
I personally would be prepared to fall out with them over this though as they appear to be prepared to put you in a precarious financial position by asking for this money back and seem to be grudging you much-needed family holiday time to boot.

I wouldn’t be paying them a penny and I’d make that quite clear to them.

Did you or your DH ever Sign or put any kind of signature on anything the DP’s might have retained?
I don’t suppose you have, so just tell them you cannot afford to pay them for what you never asked for.

Do not give them one penny! They seem batshit crazy anyway.

I think I would do as PP suggested and calculate how much extra their choices cost and repay the difference. Going forward, I would be very low contact, they are making another choice which will cost them far more than money and perhaps they haven’t considered that.

As a parent I cannot imagine treating my child like this, especially as you are their only child and there is no question of giving any other children a similar sum of money as well.

This. It’s unfortunate.

OP, did you mention that you wanted the cheaper dress, didn’t want the harpist, and didn’t want their friends there/only invited them because they were funding it?

You’re not employed, so have no way of paying them anyway.

As PP says, their only recourse is small claims court, but without a written agreement, trying to claw back what a parent spent on a DD’s wedding for their own retirement plans won’t get far.

I’d be inclined to calculate all the “upgrades” that they asked for or encouraged you to make, and pay them the difference. I.e. pay for the things you actually wanted and would have booked with your own money, and they can cover the difference. Have them explain to you why you should pay for things they asked for? Why you should pay an extra 2k for a dress you didn’t pick, one they told you to get.

OP it doesn't sound like you "such a good relationship" with your parents as stated.

No loving, caring parent would do this to their daughter (especially to their only child) and unfortunately whether you like it or not this event will change the dynamic of that relationship moving forward, through no fault of your own.

As others stated I wouldn't be giving them any money and would seek legal advice.

If they set up a payment plan and the parents decide to take them to small claims court, the fact that there is a repayment plan could be seen as proof of a loan agreement. I wouldn’t be paying a penny until l had legal advice.

I agree with you. I was thinking that maybe they made an unwise investment and are now hard up but of course we have no idea why they suddenly want the money. The op has to find out and be firm with them because she did not ask for a debt.

No agreement, nothing in writing, no payment plan discussed.

Yeah, I wouldn't be giving them anything.

Thats shocking of your parents and extremely stressful.
I would sit down and make a list of when and over what they said dont worry we will pay, so the dress that you mentioned etc.
I would then organise a meeting with them and you and your dh. Go through each item and reiterate that at no point did they say it was a loan, but made it clear it was a gift.
I would then explain that if for one monet you had known it was a loan, that you would have gone with your original ideas rather than being 10k in debt. I would also tell them that I was very disappointed that they feel this is correct and to basically lie.

Then I would tell them how much you could afford to pay them back monthly, as there is no way you can pay 10k on one, especially with young children. I would not negotiate, I understand this will change your relationship and they won't be happy, but think about what they are doing to you and your dh. You could have had the wedding your ere going to have, which was a lot cheaper but jow fins yourself owing 10k! They can't chase it legally of.course as they have no proof it was a loan.

I would pay them back for the basic parts of the wedding, but not for the extras that they pushed for such as the harpist, hog roast, extra £1.7k for the wedding dress and the veil. I don’t think you should have to pay anything back, actually, but if you want to maintain a relationship with them that may be the best way?

I think that your relationship will be changed for good after this though, they are behaving appallingly and you will never trust them in the same way again. People really can be crap sometimes🙁