Money 'borrowed'

Do your DP’s have older brothers/sisters ( ie. your aunts & uncles)?
If there are other friends & relatives could they be influencing your DP’s usual ways of thinking? Or could you approach them for a private conversation about what could be happening?

How bizarre. DH and I are about the same ages as your parents. We have adult DC, DH is looking at early retirement, and like most parents of adult children we have spent thousands over the years since they grew up in support, gifts, accommodation, yadda yadda. Okay, no wedding as yet. But the thought of going up to them and saying, right, we've forked out £xxxxx, and your dad wants to stop working soon, so pay up, kids? It's simply unfathomable. We didn't lend them that money. It was freely given, just like the payments made towards parts of your wedding.

Why have they asked for it back in a year? They know you don’t have that much money sitting around if they have given you that timescale. Why is your mother ringing you if they are not expecting the money straight away?

As a parent, I can say this is not how real parents act. I would tell them you are not repaying any so-called 'loan' which was obviously a gift in which they chose to spend more than your budget and if they persist in nagging you for it, you will cut off contact until they come to their senses.
I honestly can't believe people would act like this unless there's something you aren't telling us.

I am an only child, parents very generous and gave me £2k towards my wedding (this was quite a few years ago) but they didn't get us a present, never thought about it at the time but then I have seen lots of posts with people who were given money and a wedding present. Makes you think. Well only makes me think as once I would have said I had a good relationship but had a bit of a road to Damascus moment a few years ago.

Sorry op that's not moving the thread forward for you. But I was just about to say when you say you had a good relationship - have you ever pushed back before? Perhaps you have a relationship based on compliance. I mean who would ever encourage their child to take a loan of £10k for a wedding, whoever it was from.

Agree with all the pp who say point out that it was never a loan, it was always a gift and that much of it was for the upgrades to your wedding that they wanted rather than what you wanted, so there is no way that you would have paid £££ for things you didn’t want just so they could impress their friends with how fancy their daughter’s wedding was.

i would also definitely calculate the cost of what you would have had if you stuck to your original plans vs the cost of all the extras and upgraded bits so that you can turn the conversation around from it being about a £10k gift/loan to it being a £3k gift/loan and &7k of added extras that they wanted (or whatever the amount ends up being), so that automatically it reduces the amount that they can hope to extract from you and if they do try to take it further to court for example the fact that you dispute not only the amount but the terms all helps to show the problems with this being a gift or a loan (in your favour).

Also have they given you any money as a present since the wedding? For example, for the birth of your dc, at a birthday or Christmas? Because if so, beyond any small amount that could be deemed a token amount (eg to go out for a meal or to buy yourself a new little necklace or handbag), why would they have given you money if they were expecting you to pay back your wedding money? If they knew they had already agreed a loan with you, surely they would put any gift towards paying that off sooner rather than later?!

Finally - did any of the amount get put into any written accounts for tax purposes - I know that you can gift certain amounts and the allowances are more if you’re a parent gifting a child money for their wedding… I just don’t know the technical rules surrounding that and whether or not it gets declared by one or both parties, or if it’s just for a gift that goes into a bank account or off it applies to paying towards costs associated with the wedding - hopefully someone on here will know - but also hopefully if it does get recorded in your self assessment for example you’ll be able to say that look, you told us it was a gift, we claimed it as a gift, you’ve said you paid it to us as a gift, otherwise we wouldn’t have included it and nor would you. And then that will also keep at least some of it designated as a gift not a loan.

it does sound like they have suddenly realised how much more expensive things have suddenly got over the last couple of years and that if their investments haven’t done as well or if they have the retire early option that they are tempted by along with wanting to speed money doing nice travelling they have decided to change their attitude to you and your wedding (now they have conveniently had the fancy wedding to impress their friends!) and come back to grab money.

definitely don’t roll over and just pay up - they have already spoilt their relationship with you by doing this so don’t be afraid to make them work for any money they demand off you - they are the ones in the wrong, not you!

I think they are well and truly boomers who have a decent income however share prices are down, cost of living is up and they have suddenly decided they would of been better off not spending so much money on a wedding as its impacting there standard of living?
Either way it's a pretty awful position to put the OP in. Wanting 10k so they can book next years cruise.......

Sorry OP I haven’t read the full thread but are you absolutely sure you have a good relationship with your parents? Or are things all good as long as you are doing what they want, you make them look good, and they are happy?
Because my parents would absolutely have pulled a stunt like this and they are covert narcissists.
I’m wondering if you were encouraged to have a lavish wedding to make them/your family look good (they probably “accidentally” commented about them footing the bill to people they wanted to impress too) and now they’d like the money back to use for themselves (use for themselves a second time - because the lavish wedding would have been more about them too and how it made them look good).
I mean I could be totally missing the mark there, but maybe food for thought?
My covert narcissist mother did the exact same thing with a house deposit.
We scrimped and saved to pay it back so she no longer had any control/hold over us and she hated that 😆 really she wanted us to be in her debt after looking good to everyone for giving it to us.
But anyway, I’d definitely have a good look at your relationship with them for clues as to the real driving factor for their behaviour. It is absolutely not kind, or normal, parental behaviour.

The high if splashing the cash has worn off and now they've had the glory and fun they want a refund. Like tightarses that deliberately find fault because they never intended to pay full price.

Loans aren't something you wait 3 years to claim. What a horrible thing to do, really sorry OP. I wouldn't repay anything..do you have texts, messages encouraging you to choose more expensive things for their tastes? Awful, I can't imagine how upset you must feel 💐💐💐💐💐

And it's not even a gift. It's a contract they took out for services with vendors directly. You have no part of that.

They can take the vendors to court if they think they are owed money, not you. You haven't had a penny.

@Alice19876 I always hate posts like this. PLEASE don't take out a loan or look to repay this money. It's absolutely blatantly obvious that it wasn't a loan, you would have vetoed all the extras they wanted and piled on if you knew you would have to repay it. For whatever reason they're now trying it on.
If they really think that £100 was a sufficient gift from comfortably off parents to their only child they are seriously mean.
Tell them pleasantly but firmly there was never any mention of it being a loan for either destination and had that been stated at the outset you would have arranged a very different wedding. So for that reason there is nothing to repay. Then leave the ball in their court. If they sulk for a bit it's their loss. You and your dh enjoy your little family and let them stew! And I hope they read this and feel as small as they ought to.

You don't need legal advice. There no contact because it was their money to spend how they liked.

They paid the vendors directly so if they want a refund, they need to ask them.

They wanted a hog roast.
They wanted extra guests.
They wanted a harpist.

Your husband didn't want to pay half for that did he? Nor did you.

Answer the phone, tell your mum it was clearly a gift and you aren't giving them 10k after they decided to overspend because they were paying and have changed their minds and are now hitting you up for money you've never had.

If they want to pursue it, they can pay for costly legal advice that will tell them they don't gave a leg to stand on. Do not under any circumstances, give any sort of response to indicate you're willing to repay it or you may screw yourself and your husband over.

They've behaved atrociously and they should be ashamed of themselves.

This is extreme cheeky fuckery on their part dressed up to make you feel like you owe them.

It can't have been a loan if if was just them paying for various 'upgrades.' They didn't give you a bank transfer or a cheque for £10K. It's never been a loan, it's always been a gift, and now one they've decided to take back.

£100 is an unbelievably mean wedding present from your actual parents!

You don't owe them for this - there's no way it could ever go to the small claims court. It's very clear they gifted you the money - well, bought you stuff - then changed their mind about it when they found themselves short three years later. I would NOT pay them back. If they kick off, I would ask them to itemise everything they bought for your wedding, with receipts, so you can see exactly how much they paid - obviously this would not include the additions of their own friends to the day or the expensive upgrades you didn't want - and then offer to 'gift' them £50 a month as a goodwill gesture and sod them if they make a fuss about it.

Many years ago my MiL gave my DH £3000 to help his ailing business. Couple of years later I consolidated our debts and offered her the whole amount back. She said she didn’t want it. Fast forward a couple of years, she said she wanted the money back and denied the conversation with me. We didn’t have it. We ended up going nc. Then she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers.
I would be concerned that your parents, or one of them, has memory problems.
Otherwise their behaviour doesn’t make sense.

This is very weird

I would have to speak to them face to face and say you and your DH understood it was a gift not a loan. That there is obviously some big misunderstamding and you would like to sort it out so it doesnt ruin your relationship. You don't have spare monies to pay it back.

If they insist on themonies, let them know it would have to be a monthly payment of £40 (or similar sum) and you deduct the monies for the fucking harpist - make it clear that was their pick not yours.

Tell them to not to gift anything to you and your children, they can deduct it from their "loan".

And I'd withdraw from.them as I would feel really let down, confused and doubt everything they say. I cannot imagine treating my children like this. It feels sneaky.
Perhaps they've come a cropper financially recently,but it's not fair to dump it onto you and have you solve their finances forAcruise

There's greedy people in all generations. Being born a baby boomer does not automatically make someone greedy and all other generations are not immune to greed. That's just ageism.

Seeing as they have now admitted their only contribution towards your wedding was a derisory £100, I would be very tempted to return it! After all, you wouldn’t want them to go without.

I’d be itemising the stuff they insisted on adding as extras that I was only in agreement with because they were paying - harp player, hog roast, extra guests … not sure about full cost of wedding dress but certainly consider it - showing what the extra cost added by them was, and then pay them what’s left.

It’s them not you that’s affecting your relationship with them, by putting all this pressure on you out of no where, and apparently a cruise is more important to them than their own (and only) daughter.

Actually, do they have a habit of needing to be ‘keeping up with the Joneses’? Seems they wanted to move away from the budget wedding you were more than happy with by adding upgrades and extras with their friends coming? Is this compulsory cruise with friends? Or have the friends been on one similar and they feel the need to match that? Actually, are they ok? Is this usual behaviour for them?

IF you maintain a relationship with your parents, I would be exceedingly wary of ANYTHING they offer to pay for in the future - from a simple meal out to college fees for the grand children - I’d want to pay my own way, and anything over a couple of hundred quid I’d be getting in writing it was a gift for fear it was going to be thrown back in my face in an unknown amount of years to come.

I’m so so sorry you’re experiencing this. Sending love and strength to you.

I would cut them off. Block them on phones and social media, don't answer the door unless you know who it is. Their behaviour is appalling and they don't deserve to have a daughter and grandchildren. If you go NC you eradicate the stress. OP even if you paid them, even if they suddenly change their minds when they realise what is at stake, you will feel betrayed. Cut them out of your lives.

Your parents voluntarily paid for those things for your wedding. They sound a bit controlling, especially with what you've said about them buying a pram and other baby paraphernalia.
My guess is that your dad isn't getting as big a pension lump sum / annual pension as he thought he would, probably with going early, so he's decided to call in a debt which has no right to be one.
Watch it, because they'll be after the pram money next if you cave over wedding money.

Glad you posted on here OP rather than just agree to pay. 3 missed calls!! They have gone bonkers for whatever reason. They honestly sound so awful doing this, have already commented but am still seething on your behalf.
It's horribly upsetting to have conflict with family but you are 100% in the right here so stay calm and keep being clear that it was always offered as a gift in spite of what they are now trying to tell themselves and you won't be paying it back. They don't particularly sound like engaged grandparents either tbh if you hardly see them, who even thinks it should be you travelling to them with baby twins??
Maybe get your DH to deal with them.

op, if your parents ever bring you or your little ones any presents make sure to ask them if these are gifts or have to be repaid, and point out that if you have to pay for the ‘presents’ you wouldn’t be able to accept them. Let them see for themselves how ridiculous they are

Fair point.