Money 'borrowed'

Agree with a PP who said you should return gifts they send for the GCs as you don't want to get invoiced for them at a later stage.

If nothing else, it could potentially let them see how hurtful they're being.

Well yeah, many parents will pay something towards their DC's wedding. We paid a third towards our DD's wedding, her DH's parents paid a third, and DD and her DH paid a third. Around £4K each. If I was to message DD back and ask for the £4K back, she'd laugh. She'd laugh at the ridiculousness of it ... Who DOES that?

As @mindutopia said, it's sometimes best to not take money off ANYone, as they can - and will - use it against you if things go a bit 'wrong.' (And you have a falling out.) They will hold it against you.

One of my friends was in a tiny 2 bed terraced house, and she and her DH had twins, and the house just became too small. They couldn't afford to upsize. So in 2023, her dad said he would give her £85K towards a 4 bed house - literally two - to two and a half times bigger.

He and her mum lived in Spain and had lived there since 2017. He said 'at least we'll have somewhere to stay when we come to visit instead of getting a Travelodge.' Only stipulation was that he goes on the deeds too. She and her DH weren't keen, but needed to upsize, so agreed. (This was early summer 2023.)

BIG mistake.

Earlier this year, less than 2 years after they bought the house, her mum and dad announced that they're coming back to the UK, and are moving in! 😱The dad's name is on the deeds, so he is a co-owner. Now, 5-6 months later he is still there. And her mum too. My friend HATES it, and says they are so intrusive and judgy and nosey, and it's putting a huge strain on her marriage.

Why the hell she let her dad onto the deeds just baffles me! I'd have stayed in the tiny house and just made do!

YANBU.

That's awful.

I agree with the above poster, is it more than just the money? Are they trying to make a point? Force a bit of control? Is it the new baby?

I know a couple - both only children, had an only child and when that child and his wife went on to have a second, they were most put out.

They didn't understand why? They Questioned finances, how they would cope? Refused the childcare second despite providing it for the first. They were openly hostile to thought of a second child. Of course, the little one came along and is very much loved and adored by the grandparents and it all worked out but they definitely had a wobble.

You mentioned up thread you'd had three missed calls from your Mother. Have you spoken to her yet?

So THEY changed your wedding to have things THEY wanted. They agreed to pay for all that and now say it a loan? That's pretty crappy to be honest. It sounds like they were playing at keeping up appearances/trying to be seen as the big I am and are now back tracking.

If it was a loan they should have mentioned that in text/email etc at the time. They want to go on a cruise? They can release some of the equity from their house or what ever! In the end, not to sound morbid, if your the only child your the beneficiary and it will all balance out.

I have adult DC and I would much rather spend my money on giving them a lovely wedding than on a cruise for myself. I certainly wouldn’t be asking for it back! Sounds like they took over quite a bit and you didn’t necessarily get the wedding you wanted anyway. All this splashing out on the most expensive option for everything sounds like it was for getting them bragging rights. Then to expect you to give it all back with no warning is outrageous! I don’t think I could forgive that.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I'd hedge my bets that it WAS a loan, and they've only changed their minds because they can't afford your dad to take early retirement AND go on another expensive cruise.

I would seek legal advice. In the meantime if they contact you and mention the money, make sure you ALWAYS tell them you will only discuss the gifted £10k via text or email. Never refer to it as a loan and never seem like you're unsure it was a gift. If they push back in messages about you referring to it as a gift, ask them to provide the evidence from 3 years ago stating it was a loan. You don't want to give them any wiggle room to argue it was a loan.

This will change your relationship forever, but that's probably a good thing

Just another thought as you mentioned your husband being in the trades. Has he done work for them and charged them by any chance?

I wondered (given the insane cost of materials) if there's a possibility they think he's taken them for a ride and this is pay back?

Please ignore if not relevant.

I'm in the 'there's something else going on' camp.

Is there one of them that seems to be driving this? If so would it be worth trying to speak to the other one?

Either you have upset them in some way or something is going on with their health, mental or otherwise. Has one of them had a scare? Or do either of them suffer from depression? A fixation with certain things like money can be part of declining mental health.

Or, and it feels very Mumsnet to say it, an early sign of dementia.

The fact this has never been mentioned in three years is very odd and must be triggered by something either in your behaviour or theirs.

Yes, I bet they told their friends they paid for the wedding. Which would be fine if they actually did.

DH and I funded our wedding ourselves and didn’t get wedding gifts from parents, but OP’s parents are giving with hand and taking with the other.

It sounds like they are quite narcissistic. They liked the idea of having a lovely wedding for their child, choosing what to get and all the guests being impressed by their generosity.
The norm used to be parents paying for the wedding. Did their parents pay for theirs.

Now have somehow reframed it in their heads that was a loan, maybe they have talked to some friends or someone on a cruise who said they’d loaned money for wedding.

I would keep saying that they paid towards the wedding and it wasn’t a loan. Like others have said unless it was written anywhere that it was a loan, it wasn’t a loan it was a gift. Did they pay the suppliers directly or did you buy and they send money to you?

I didn't even get a wedding gift from my parents - not even a card😅 and no they didn't contribute to the costs of the wedding - yes they did insist certain wider family members had to be invited at our cost 😩 such parents do exist...

Phone the Citizens Advice Bureau or the legal helpline number if you have Legal Expenses insurance as an add on to your home insurance.

Yes it sounds like they tricked OP inti having a wedding they could show off to their friends and now want the money.

Id advise dont pay anything until youve had advice because paying any amount is recognition its a loan

They gifted you that money, much of which was spent on their demands of an upgrade and friends.

How absolutely toxic for them to turn around and do this to their only child whose pregnant.

Do not entertain them in any way, 3 years later.

What on earth are they thinking.
I have never heard the like of it.

Have you any relatives?
If you do, ask their advice.
See how your parents like that.

I don't know how this isn't going to ruin your relationship with them, but it will be on them.

I think if you have a good relationship with them you need to say to them that you changed your wedding at their request because they offered £10k toward it. That meant you felt they were entitled to make the suggestions and you accepted them, becuase their gift bought an opinion. Point out the hog roast and dress up grade point out while you enjoyed them, and appreciate them they would be out of budget without their contribution. And you absolutely wouldnt have taken a loan for the dress and food.

Say quite honestly you arent understanding why 3 years on they're saying it is a loan?

I wouldn't be repaying it. This isnt you impacting the relationship.

Id be honest you cant afford to repay it

Tell your mum, it was not clear that money was given as a loan and £100 was given for you both to have a nice meal.

It’s been 3 years with no mention of loan, you don’t work and have no savings so they will have wait till you start earning again for you to pay them this money back.

Never, ever refer to this as a loan, or suggest that there could have been any doubt about it being a gift. It's clear that it was a gift, so you need to stop wobbling about that and be firm. Anything you have that indicates it's a gift - keep it - texts, emails etc. Get legal advice and I'm pretty sure you'll be told that as there is no evidence of a loan agreement you don't have to pay them anything. Meanwhile, if you speak to them repeat that they are trying to take back a gift they gave and insist that there was never any mention of a loan and you are going to proceed accordingly. If you need to, tell them that they must leave you alone until you have legal advice.

They paid for various goods and services direct - that's not what happens when someone gives a loan.

This. Perfect response. If they don't back down and apologise, best to disengage for the foreseeable.

I'm so sorry OP. This must be incredibly stressful for you. Reprehensible behaviour by your parents who should be ashamed of putting their pregnant daughter through this.

I'd like to think your mum's been calling you repeatedly this morning because she's realised overnight that they've made a terrible error of judgement and she wants to apologise @Alice19876, but I won't hold my breath.

Do you have anything in writing confirming it was a gift. Email, text or WhatsApp?

I hate to say it, but there are certain types of people who weaponise money for their own gains. My mum (and stepdad) are like this. They insist upon paying for things for people (friends, distant family) and then use it against them if ever someone displeases them. Barbara (mum’s best friend of 30 years) didn’t take their side in a silly argument with another friend about when they all needed to pack up to check out of a holiday let, so the fact that they paid for Barbara to book a flight to see an ailing parent 5 years ago is brought out as proof of her disloyalty. 🙄

My mum gave me a gift of money that we added to our house deposit years ago (basically my inheritance, but early, I’m also an only child). When years later, we went NC for totally unrelated reasons, absolutely everyone heard about this money they gave us so long ago and how terrible we were for taking this money from them and then cutting them off from their grandchildren. I think it’s because talking about what’s really going on (in our case, stepdad was convicted of child sex offences, in your case, it may be poor financial management or a gambling issue or having been scammed or whatever) was too hard, but making it about money is easier because it deflects the real problem.

"The money was a gift - like many parents, you said I was your little girl and you only get married once. You wanted upgrades because your friends were coming. We knew our budget and would not have considered them without the cash you offered.

I would never have accepted this money if I'd thought it was a loan.

Which it wasn't - because of course a repayment plan would have been discussed before now if that's what you had intended it to be.

I don't know how you have convinced yourself that this is okay, but it's not. You know full well how much anxiety this will be causing. You've shown a side of yourselves that I didn't want to believe existed before now and I'm so disappointed. Enjoy the cruise."

Honestly, it would be a firm no and I would expect the relationship to become properly damaged.

I am also completely baffled that your parents’ actual wedding gift to you (since this clearly wasn’t it!) was a restaurant gift voucher. Like not even a piece of artwork that has sentimental value or a piece of family jewellery or a casserole dish that you’ll use for decades, but like a voucher to Pizza Express or whatever. That’s the sort of half thought out gift you’d expect to receive from work colleagues. Perfectly appreciated, but no sentiment put into it, by people who don’t know you well.

My suspicion here is that their overspending has caught up with them. They may want to book another cruise, but the urgency of the multiple calls says that debtors are chasing down their money and they see you as an easy source from which to claw some funds to keep the illusion going. I’d be having no part in funding that and I’d be telling them so.