Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mediating between teen and dh…again

68 replies

dobbysvest · 27/08/2025 23:24

Ds(14) and dh (not his bio dad) generally get along well. Dh and I have been together since ds was 4 so not a new relationship and we also have a reception age child together.

Dh thinks I baby ds a lot which I am guilty of. He think he should be given more chores and responsibilities and pulled up on his attitude. He has a point.

The way ds speaks sometimes is rude and challenging. Lots of ‘shut ups’ and occasional name calling which starts in banter/jest but can descend into rudeness quite quickly. However he is generally a well behaved lad, never had any issues with school or bad behaviour out of the house. He just unleashes a lot of his angst on us which I suppose is fairly typical for teens and their parents. He feels safe with us.

Dh has occasionally lost his rag and shouted which is awful. Other times he will just go silent, ignore ds and create an atmosphere which is also shit. I am constantly mediating between the two, trying to pull ds up on his bad attitude and enforce reasonable consequences without completely alienating him and also getting Dh to manage his expectations and reactions.

I do strongly believe that the fact he isn’t his bio dad plays a part. I have unconditional love for my son no matter how much of a git he is being. Dh obviously doesn’t have that and although he loves him and has done a lot for him over the years, I guess he finds this behaviour harder to live with.

Theres no need for all of the ‘this is what happens when you get a new man’ shit that I know people will inevitably come out with. It’s too late for that now. And for the most part we are very happy. But I just wondered how people manage the teenage years with the stepparent dynamic? I suspect even bio dads/sons fall out when the testosterone gets going. I’m just so drained of being the one in the middle trying to manage everyone’s feelings and behaviour.

OP posts:
Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 28/08/2025 07:48

I have 6 kids, 5 are 18+ now and I can hand on heart say they have never told me to shut up or called me names, ever.

BellissimoGecko · 28/08/2025 07:46

INeedAnotherName · 28/08/2025 07:41

Dh thinks I baby ds a lot which I am guilty of. He think he should be given more chores and responsibilities and pulled up on his attitude. He has a point.
And what are YOU doing about this then? You agree with DH so it's down to you to change it.

The way ds speaks sometimes is rude and challenging. Lots of ‘shut ups’ and occasional name calling which starts in banter/jest but can descend into rudeness quite quickly.
That is not acceptable. Ever. What are YOU doing to stop this behaviour? No child in my family circle (neices, nephews, godchildren) have ever name-called or told an adult to shut up.

This is not about mediating between DH and son.

This.

You need to deal properly with your son’s rudeness. It’s not acceptable.

And give him more chores (assuming your h does his share of chores)?

BellissimoGecko · 28/08/2025 07:45

So your ds is being very rude and you quite rightly pull him up on that, but your h responds by sulking, shouting, and giving you both the silent treatment? Do you pull him up on that? His behaviour is worse than your son’s, and he’s being a terrible role model.

I’d talk to your h, tell him how you feel, and ask him to be an adult and behave in a more mature and acceptable way. I’d point out that he’s being abusive and hypocritical, and that if it carries on you’ll leave him.

NevergonnagiveHughup · 28/08/2025 07:43

OP asks opinions, gets opinions she doesn’t like, but argues she’s still right…..

Agree on the “shut up” etc. if you would never speak to him like that, he should NEVER speak to you or DH in that manner either. End of.

Chompingatthebeat · 28/08/2025 07:43

I don't think its step dads role to dictate this kind of thing, its yours, thats how we did it, worked well

INeedAnotherName · 28/08/2025 07:41

Dh thinks I baby ds a lot which I am guilty of. He think he should be given more chores and responsibilities and pulled up on his attitude. He has a point.
And what are YOU doing about this then? You agree with DH so it's down to you to change it.

The way ds speaks sometimes is rude and challenging. Lots of ‘shut ups’ and occasional name calling which starts in banter/jest but can descend into rudeness quite quickly.
That is not acceptable. Ever. What are YOU doing to stop this behaviour? No child in my family circle (neices, nephews, godchildren) have ever name-called or told an adult to shut up.

This is not about mediating between DH and son.

Original poster
dobbysvest · 28/08/2025 07:40

So your teenage children never showed one ounce of rebellion or moodiness? Ok then.
My isn’t perfect, far from it. But he is a teenager. He is growing into a man and I do believe he and dh butt heads in some sort of male ego/alpha dog way.
I am not excusing his attitude. At times it stinks. But I try to see the bigger picture. There are boys his age drinking, vaping, fighting and bullying. Boys who are constantly in isolation or expelled from school because they can’t behave. Ds does give us lip but out of the house is sensible and well behaved.

OP posts:
SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 28/08/2025 07:37

I have a 14 yr old DS who would only ever call me a name or tell me to shut up once and once only.

If you feel that's a well behaved child then I can see DHs point

Twinkylightsg · 28/08/2025 07:30

dobbysvest · 28/08/2025 07:23

He is certainly pulled up on it but I think Dh feels there should be more serious consequences. I try to see the bigger picture - yes ds can be rude and surly but he is overall a well behaved, sensible boy who doesn’t really cause us any issues. And he’s at an age where his hormones are raging and moods are all the place.

This holds no truck with Dh however and he seems to expect perfection.

When they have a row they just won’t speak for days after and the atmosphere it creates is horrible.

Show quote history

How do you pull him up on it? What are the consequences? It is obviously not working. I had 4 brothers, none of them or I spoke to our parents this way. I find your excuses lacking to be honest. Something is missing and I can't figure out what it is. FYI our parents told us off if we spoke rudely and gave proper consequence but nothing extreme and things that would still stand today as good healthy parenting.

Original poster
dobbysvest · 28/08/2025 07:23

ShesTheAlbatross · 28/08/2025 06:52

Your DH thinks that your son should be pulled up on his attitude, and you agree that he has a point. Does this mean that currently he isn’t pulled up on it? Why not?

He is certainly pulled up on it but I think Dh feels there should be more serious consequences. I try to see the bigger picture - yes ds can be rude and surly but he is overall a well behaved, sensible boy who doesn’t really cause us any issues. And he’s at an age where his hormones are raging and moods are all the place.

This holds no truck with Dh however and he seems to expect perfection.

When they have a row they just won’t speak for days after and the atmosphere it creates is horrible.

OP posts:
Pricelessadvice · 28/08/2025 06:55

Why don’t you sort your sons attitude out and see if that helps?

ShesTheAlbatross · 28/08/2025 06:52

Your DH thinks that your son should be pulled up on his attitude, and you agree that he has a point. Does this mean that currently he isn’t pulled up on it? Why not?

Octavia64 · 28/08/2025 03:21

I had this problem and it was bio dad.

fathers and sons butting heads is unfortunately very common in bio families and step families.

they just did not get on.

DS saw his dad as uncaring (and tbh he had a point - dad was very disengaged from parenting and not around much but did a lot of criticising when ge was)

his dad saw him as disrespectful and grumpy (which honestly was also true).

The trouble is once they get into a negative spiral it’s very hard to get them out if it. The teen will find it harder to change than the adult and often the adult sees what in the end is pretty normal teen behaviour as a lack of respect.

no advice, sorry.

QuickFawn · 28/08/2025 02:12

Have they always generally got on well or has this changed too?

obvs you have a dh problem firstly but no one should be telling anyone to shut up

Toomanyclothesinthecloset · 28/08/2025 01:10

I am thinking being told to "shut up" is seen as acceptable behavior by him as there are "lots"...I would have a conversation with him about that and make him aware how that could make other people feel. I have never been told to "shut up" and I have two teenagers, I don't think it's on he is doing that, it will create tension.

Heronwatcher · 28/08/2025 00:54

I would find it very hard to live with a rude teen telling me to shut up etc, do you let this go or are there consequences?

I think being a step-parent to a teen is incredibly difficult- that said your DH does sound a bit immature himself.

Have you discussed this with them? What do either of them think should change? Personally I might consider establishing some stronger boundaries with your DS over respect etc, then maybe your DH might not feel that he has to get involved.

MaloneMeadow5 · 28/08/2025 00:35

Probably not what you want to hear OP but for us the difficulty in navigating the teen/step parent dynamic was partly responsible for our divorce. Ex H had been in DD’s life since she was 6 and they got on brilliantly together (her bio dad is out of the picture) but as soon as she turned 13/14 it all went downhill and never recovered.

He had unreasonably high expectations + demands of DD (very much a do as I say, not as I do attitude..) which resulted in the two of them being constantly at war in her latter teenage years. When not having arguments they barely spoke or acknowledged each other.