To think that not toilet training your child is seriously irresponsible?

There are so many reasons why this might happen though.

If we think about the fact that domestic abuse affects 1 in 4 women and 56%of children growing up in dv homes will be directly abused by the abuser and part of the abuse is often undermining a mothers care or role with her children, that alone could explain a significant percentage of children potty training later than expected. Then you add into that SEN which is often diagnosed much later than potty training is expected to be completed by. Many kids with sen fly under the radar even into adult hood. You may have parents with vulnerabilities themselves like learning difficulties or who never received appropriate care from their own families and genuinely don't feel equipped for it in that respect. Plus all children entering school/ nursery for the first time are undergoing massive change.

There's also a big difference in what people perceive as "potty trained" eg dry always/ dry 90%of the time but with occasional accidents/ dry at night as well as during the day etc. Sometimes it can also be due to hormonal factors.

Obviously some parents are neglectful in that respect, we know this. But I would imagine those instances are quite rare and usually would be existing in the context of other issues.

Don't worry. Hell get there. Give yourselves and him a break from it, try again in a couple of of months

It will click.

So many threads like this lately.

Yes allowing your child to start school in nappies for the sole reason that you couldn’t be bothered to toilet train them is lazy and unfair on the teachers. But how can you know that’s what’s happening? Are you privy to the circumstances and motives of every parent at the school gates?

I didn’t train either of mine until they were about 3.5. They weren’t ready. I know this to be the case because I tried when they were younger and it was traumatic and unsuccessful. I received loads of judgement on here about it and some quieter judgement IRL I suspect. They were considered ‘late’ but when they were ready it clicked within a couple of days and I maintain that it was the best way to do it for me and my dc. If others want to try earlier and have the process take longer that’s up to them. Or maybe their kids will be ready younger. This is the point…we are all different, all kids are different. Even in the absence of additional needs there are genuine reasons why some kids are potty trained later.

But sure let’s assume it’s all down to feckless, stupid, lazy parenting. How original.

I think modern nappies don't help. They hold the wet in and the child doesn't always get the same sensations so don't feel the discomfort which leads to them wanting to be dry.

I am also surprised to hear of settings insisting a child has to be dry to start. When I was last in early years that was a definite no no because it could be seen as discrimination and we weren't allowed to discriminate against a child because they were on nappies.

@TheTwitcher11 Would your son feel comfortable getting flushable wipes from his bag before going to the toilet, or going back for them after? Makes it easier to do a better job and avoid soreness when they're little.

@sparrowhawkhere Thanks :) He missed so much school in reception it was just ridiculous.

I only know of 2 in my son's class in pull ups (visible over top of boy shorts in the park), 1 with considerable SEN, and 1 who recently had SA revealed. Honestly, other behavioural challenges and SEN seem a much bigger problem for teachers at our school/year in terms of disruption (going into year 2).

I don't know anyone who 'can't be bothered' to train their child, but for some, it is more difficult. We've just started to conquer 3 years of constipation/withholding with our daughter (3.5) with adult laxatives. Medical help is hard to come by, and even with all the education and tips and meds in the world, it's a hard cycle to break. It's like people who have 'easy' first babies and are then shocked by a complicated/colic/allergy baby, that lack of experience limits awareness.

Lots do, haven't you read the news

Oh yes im not taking it personally! I was just wondering if her child (also autistic) struggled with this in primary school years and if so, was going to ask for tips if she had any.
And yes, my son does have developmental delay id say (speech delay and comprehension)

Does he have any developmental delay?

Our almost 9 year old isn’t doing any of it yet. I don’t think these posts refer to our kids. Thankfully.

That’s so frustrating for you with that teacher.
Again, this is understandable and not the same as parents not toilet training.

Can I ask your advice in this case?

DS (3y 3m) will happily wee on the toilet when asked. However if he wets or soils himself he is distraught and won’t put pants on for weeks.

What should I do as a working mum?

Thanks

But that’s where communicating with parents comes into it. Parents who are trying and finding it hard are different to the parents who don’t see the issue and won’t engage.

My son came under those statistics. As well as SEN kids, you get kids like mine who are toilet trained but get antibiotic diarrhea; require antibiotics 10x or more annually; and thus have the occasional accident during the 10 day course - which they're more than capable of dealing with themselves, but were wearing pull ups (and had a bag of spares, wipes etc) because the parent knows of the risk!! He finally had his tonsillectomy this year so hopefully no more regular antibiotics - one time in year 1 he got sent home for 48 hours because a teacher HEARD him on the toilet (no accidents) and despite his medical records and them giving his 4x daily antibiotics, weren't convinced he wasn't d&v contagious...

People seem so quick to assume it's lazy parenting but it's not always.

It’s just too easy to keep putting it off, when disposable nappies and pull ups are available everywhere. People say ‘Oh, s/he isn’t ready,’ about a child of 3 1/2, presumably because the child doesn’t cooperate straight away. For most parents, it takes at least some patience and perseverance.

You never heard of anyone saying a non SN child ‘wasn’t ready’ at over 3, when
terry nappies needed to be washed and dried every day.

My son still struggles with the wiping part (he’s 6 and autistic)

He was 3 and a half

I think having a big brother who he copied with EVERYTHING helped

I don't know of any children personally that started school in nappies, and obviously that's not part of a teacher's job description.
However I do think if you work with small children you have to expect the occasional toileting accident, and look after children in your care when it happens.

Do you mind me asking when your autistic son was able to use the toilet himself (including wiping after number 2)?

I worked with a woman whose daughter started school in nappies. From what she said, she was frightened of her daughter having accidents on the carpet so she didn't dare leave her without a nappy. I don't know who changed her nappy at school but she was soon potty trained by copying the other children.

Yes - I was on ML when I trained my eldest, but back at work when I had my youngest. It was hard to get a run at it, I took a week’s annual leave in the end.

Ignore them - he will get it! (I worked in a nursery for 15 years)

Yikes!
Both mine (now 16 and 26) were in full time nursery at toilet training age.
The nursery were clear about only assisting with training if the child showed they were ready, but with an engaged child they were entirely supportive. Some children really click when they see their peers using the loo.

I really would have resented having to take AL to train them.

I’m sure he’ll get there soon - I think the advantage of them being a little older is when they get it, they get it properly.

I have 2 boys, the eldest I tried to train when his baby brother was a month old (wtf was I thinking) and it was a disaster. Left it a few months and he cracked it in a morning. And I mean reliably clean and dry from that moment on day and night. He was about 2 years 11 months.

His wee brother took longer, besides the fact I was back at work as opposed to being on ML as I was with the eldest, he has autism so had other issues too. I tried when he was just past 3 and it was dreadful. I tried again when he was coming up for 3 and a half and again, cracked it within a couple of days.

My 2 never pissed or shat themselves ever once they were trained, and could hold it in well till we got to a loo, whereas a lot of people I knew with “trained at 2” kids were still having frequent accidents, needed a travel potty, etc

I’m sorry that sounds so hard. I don’t know if additional needs are at play but either way I’m just so stressed about DS not being there and having people assume we’re lazy.

There are many, many reasons. Three being the new Two doesn’t help. Pull ups are still nappies, not ‘training’ pants. Personally I think one of the biggest reasons why it’s left so late these days is the high percentage of both parents working full time. They (somewhat understandably), dont want to spend a week out of 4 weeks annual leave toilet training a 2 year old. Plus this site is dreadful for pushing the ‘they’ll do it when they’re ready’ idea. Nonsense, they need encouragement, guidance and getting used to a potty well before they are three. My DD always pooed after dinner, like clockwork, she went on the potty for this daily. Out of nappies by 2 and a half during the day, very few accidents aftervthat.