Inheritance dilemma

How about maybe the MIL - who asked for a Zoom call, knowing that the same selfish, lazy and domineering DD who hadn't bothered to visit her for 4 years and wouldn't even bother to take 5 minutes to learn how to join a simple video call that was clearly very important to her DM - actively chose a method, knowing that her DD wouldn’t bother to join it?

What alternative actually was there, that the DD would have bothered to engage with? Was everybody - including her frail, dying DM - expected to travel and congregate outside her home with a microphone and loud PA system?

And I truly fail to see why anybody would feel guilty enjoying a treasured possession that a loved family member freely gave to them and said "I want you to have this".

It's irrelevant how your SIL chooses to live her life.
You know nothing of the intricacies of the relationship between her and her mum.
It's irrelevant how 'close' you feel to MIL.

In this situation your role is to provide emotional support, any practicalities eg assets, money etc should be dealt with by the three siblings.
If MIL asks you I would gently steer her to your DH. It's simply not your place to negotiate and organise any of it.
Step back.

Sorry but if the sil hasn't seen her mum for years and the mum bought these things on her travels how the hell can her daughter have seen her wear them? Presumably if she's being given 45 thousand pounds worth of jewellery there will be something special to her in there. She's a greedy grabby bitch and so is anyone who agrees with her.
How many times does it need saying that mil expressly asked op to organise the call and she probably thought it would be a better idea to discuss the household objects with the women in the family eg: op dil and sil. Because let's face it that is who usually deals with that stuff. If the scarves had been mentioned to a man they would not have thought that they could have been made into a keepsake as ops dd wants to do. The thought just wouldn't occur. Op is not the bad guy here.

Mad, isn't it? People are trying to second-guess what they assume MIL 'would have wanted' - whilst MIL is still alive and she's unequivocally and actively saying "THIS is what I want!" !!

The Zoom call happened because that’s what MIL wanted to happen.

if you don’t know to use a Zoom call you google it.

MIL can decide to give items to whoever she likes.

if the daughter has an issue with what MIL has decided she should direct it to her mother.

I’ve voted YABU because had my DM or MIL had this conversation with me, I would have told her to decide for herself who she wanted to give her things to. Setting up a Zoom call with potential recipients just seems rather ghoulish and crass IMO.
My MIL gave her DIL a lovely diamond ring just before she died - no discussion or anything. I had done all the support as DIL lives abroad and BIL / DIL only visited once every couple years. I was disappointed that MIL gave her this ring, but it was her choice to make in the end.

You said -

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

You set her up to fail Op. You also say that if she had joined the call, you'd unlikely have the jewellery. So its hers imo. You subtly schemed the call to get her out of the way.

You haven't said anything nice about her. I don't believe its this black and white (SIL = bad, Me = good).

The fact that the daughter has seen her mother is 4 years telks me that there is far more going on in terms of family dysfunction and hurt that SIL just not bothering. Its odd that you would paint SIL in such a light.

I personally would not enjoy wearing that necklace knowing that I schemed to take it from someone else.

And to allow the Zoom call to go on for 35 mins without SIL present is horrible. I suspect she's being bullied.

There is no "should". No one has to guess what MIL would have wanted done with her jewellery. Absent pressure from SIL on the csll, MIL gave the bulk of her jewellery to her daughter and a bit to the mothers of her granddaughters. This shouldn't be undone. It is literally her clear wishes.

Sneaking away with the goods? One necklace? While her SIL received 90% of the jewellery? The other DIL also received one necklace. Is she equally grabby and fake?

You are obviously projecting massively here.

It is surely the mother’s right to give her possessions to whoever she wants.

it’s concerning the number of you who read about an engaged helpful daughter in law who clearly loves her mil, married her son and gave birth to her grandchildren, and you say she absolutely shouldn’t get anything like jewellery from her mil in her will. It’s all very Burn the witch for presuming to count, she will never ever ever be family muahhaahaha.

Even then, there's no guarantee that the daughter will want the jewellery - it's not like every woman automatically likes all jewellery - or won't have financial difficulties/other preferences and immediately flog off the lot at cash converters.

This reminds me somewhat of the thread from a few years back, where the OP gave a very special item (coded as an antique ram castrator!) which also happened to be valuable to a 'friend' for the friend's father, whom she knew had a genuine love for and connection to the specialist item... only, once that passion for it had 'earned' his 'moral right' to it, the 'friend' sold it off and kept the proceeds for herself.

OP set up the call on behalf of her MIL. It was her MIL that chose to carry on with the Zoom call in the absence of her daughter. What sort of technical issues do you have with Zoom (as a professional)? You just need to click on a link that OP would have sent to her SIL. I doubt that someone as wealthy as SIL wouldn't have access to reliable technology and broadband. She just didn't bother.

But the useless SIL only has sons wheras OP has a daughter. Therefore, there is more chance of the jewellery being kept 'in the family', if OP receives it and leaves it to her own daughter in her will.

Exactly this.

People say this on every inheritance thread but it bears repeating.

You have no inheritance and you are entitled to nothing at all until someone actually dies and leaves you something in their will.

The jewellery belongs to the OP's mother in law and her SIL actually has no entitlement to it whatsoever.

Now if the MIL had died intestate and everyone was scrapping over her estate, you could argue that she would probably have wanted her own daughter to have all her jewellery.

But the MIL is still alive, still has mental capacity, and is giving clear instructions about who she wants to leave her jewellery to. If she is leaving most of her jewellery to her daughter but she has identified a few specific pieces for the OP, that is because she wants to leave those things to the OP and she is entitled to do so because it is her property and not her daughter's. Her wishes should be respected.

Can't believe so many people think the OP should just override her MIL's express wishes when she's still alive just because they don't think it's appropriate for a woman to leave her jewellery to anyone other than her daughter if she has one. It's so infantilising of the MIL.

Says who? Is that the law? That women aren't allowed to leave their jewellery to who they want, but must follow some unwritten rules probably from the Victorian age?

The thing is, though, that what she says could mean two distinct possibilities:

1. If the sister had bothered/managed to join the call, the MIL would likely have chosen to give her extra jewellery based on being able to see her on the screen and giving her a prompt to remember her; OR

1. If the sister had been on the call, she would have kicked off and demanded that her mother give her all of the jewellery,rather than redirecting a small portion to her DILs, as she'd planned.

If the first one had been the case, why did she still 'remember' to give her the vast majority of the jewellery, in spite of er absence? The mother/MIL comes across as a very wise, sensible person, rather than forgetful and prone to sudden arbitrary flights of fancy.

To be honest, I'm really starting to think that the second scenario was much closer to what would have happened - and this may have been why she deliberately asked OP to set up a video call, knowing that her own DD would then self-exclude and thus be prevented from trying to browbeat her into changing her intentions re the modest gifts to her DILs and demanding every last scrap of jewellery for herself.

So you don't think that OP's MIL has the capacity to decide for herself who receives her jewellry after her death? That even though she has left the vast majority to her daughter and just one piece each to each of her DILs, her very clear wishes should be ignored to benefit OP's SIL who hardly bothers with her mother at all?

OP has a great relationship with her MIL and provides her with a lot more support than her own daughter does, so she has every right to keep the necklace that her (in sound mind) MIL has bequeathed to her.

That is good news. I read it that they were sorting out inheritance as nothing had been left in writing. My mistake.

for what it’s worth I do think this piece of jewellery should go to the op as it’s the lady’s wish but can understand the daughters upset as jewellery can have symbolic meaning

Although OP hasn’t given details about a will, she did say her MIL is a very capable, organised woman who likes to plan things. I’d be amazed if a will hasn’t been written!

Depends how close you are to your daughter. My daughter is growing up looking through my jewellery box, trying things on, discussing when my DH or mother bought them for me and which occasion to mark. It would be utterly bizarre to me to leave these things to anyone except my daughter, I am very close to my daughter and that would be upsetting to her.

My DH will buy me a specific piece of jewellery to mark the birth of any granddaughters, ideally with the gem linked to their birth month, which will then be added to my will with each piece and granddaughter named.

The OP’s MIL is free to leave what
she wants to who. She is not free to dictate that her DD not be hurt about her decision though. Jewellery can be a very touchy subject.

I’ve not read all the posts so i apologise if this has been posted.

Does your MIL have a will? If she doesn’t she will die intestate and the intestacy rules will apply. This could be complicated by her living abroad. She clearly has wishes and could potentially make a will made at this stage of her life if she has capacity. This zoom call and any verbal agreement won’t make much, if any, difference as the legal standing will be the will or intestacy. If your mil does not have a valid up to date will then her family will be left to deal with a messy complicated situation after she dies at an already difficult time. It can cause all kinds of upset and trouble. She could gift those pieces of jewellery to her Dil in her will and then legally the executors would be liable to disperse her estate in line with her wishes once probate is granted. A will can be challenged but it is a very costly business. Unfortunately dying and inheritance can really bring out the worse in people. She would be well advised to take legal advice. A solicitor can come out to her.

She should do what her mil wanted her to do,

Either that or we have just done the Time Warp again

Yeah, there's no specific way that dying mothers give away their jewellery and belongings - they just give whatever they want to whoever they want, it's not some agreed upon behaviour that mil is going against the grain on. Sil is totally out of order and sounds greedy and a really CF.

Not everyone does this. My grandmas things were all documented and all the women chose one thing at a time, daughters first then daughters in law then granddaughters.
my dads mum on the other hand - it all went to her daughter and her daughter’s daughters. I’m a granddaughter through one of her sons who’d have loved something of my grandma and I promised myself to be more like my mums family.