Inheritance dilemma

Exactly what she's done. We have no way of knowing what the relationship is betwen MIL and her daughter. They haven't met in person for four years but perhaps they're in touch over the phone and/or social media, if SIL has worked out how to WhatsApp and/or use Facebook or similar.

so aqssuming any of the imagining is true, what should the Mil have done then?

It was the Mil who said to go ahead and TOLD HER DAUGHTER that the call was going ahead.

I agree, it's totally up to MIL where her jewellery or whatever ends up, absolutely.

It's tasteless to discuss the monetary value though I think.

Just tread carefully OP, and be respectful of boundaries with the siblings that's all.

You don't want anything to come back to bite you at a later date.

Not for the first time I find myself wondering if a poster is reading the same thread as I am. MIL sounds anything but passive. Of course we don't know the full story, but as I have a vivid imagination, what I'm wondering about is the following scenario.

MIL is an intelligent, highly successful woman who achieves a great deal by dint of working hard and being very good at whatever she did. She has three children. Her two sons have made successful marriages to women in the same mould as MIL. Her daughter, however, has, in the modern idiom, failed to launch. She has never had a proper career and has sought refuge in a marriage to a successful man who can give her a very comfortable life and save her from having to do most of the things that the rest of us have no choice but to cope with. This could be attributed to laziness but it could equally be that she is a deeply anxious person who has always struggled with the demands of life. The fact that she has never learned to drive even though she comes from a well-heeled family and lives in the country is suggestive in this respect. She must be missing out on a lot by not having that independence. This may be why she doesn't feel able to travel to see her mother. If her husband is not available to travel with her, she may find the idea of solo travel absolutely overwhelming.

If there is any truth in this imagining of mine, daughter is probably very conscious of how different she is from MIL and her brothers' wives. She perhaps feels very inadequate. It may sting that her mother is so obviously fond of and close to the two DIL. Over and over again we see when people post about inheritance woes on MN that the actual inheritance is a proxy for angst about the relationship. It may be the case here.

But she didn't ask her to take charge she asked her to organise it because op has been helping to organise her medical care so she trusts her to do the right thing unlike her dd who can't even get her arse in gear to visit her terminally ill mother. Her dd was supposed to be on the call and fucked it up because she sounds like she was waiting for someone else to sort it for her.
Unlike mn, in real life some in-laws get on and love each other. Which is obviously the case here.

The MIL chose the pieces.
The MIL has decided where her money and possessions will go.
The MIL has decided who she wants to help her.

You either respect the woman's choices or you dont.
If you dont then you take it up with her.

Personally I wouldnt think to tell a dying woman who she should leave a minor part of her estate to.

You would do those things because you want to.
Not with the expectation of an inheritance.

And the OP saying she could sell back the jewellery to SIL... that doesn't look great does it?

Well I just find it tacky particularly as an actual dd missed most of it. If my dm was terminally ill and asked one of the inlaws to take charge of a family call to discuss my belongings I'd be very disappointed.

Perhaps thats is why the dd hasn't seen her much if there's form for it.

The call should have been dm, the sons and the dd. Yes fine bequeath to inlaws too but do it via actual immediate relatives.

MIL doesnt come out looking well in this. Extremely passive. Perhaps that's why relationship with daughter not great. We don't know the full story.

I'm sorry but it seems as though Op has hijacked this weakness and fractured relationship, and enjoyed muscling in on position of the real daughter. It seems as though she secretly enjoyed taking this jewellery...that's a bit sadistic. And by suggesting that she offers in back to daughter in a trade off for cash is disgusting. Jewellery is sentimental. Thats why the daughter was upset. She felt betrayed you all went ahead without her. It all feels like a power move behind the gushing praise you give MIL.

I wouldn't actually.
Some things have no monetary value but have great sentimental value.
Why is the OP working out where MIL's money goes... it's absolutely none of her business.
As I've said before, leave it to the siblings and their mum to sort out.

But it's ok for op to help organise medical appointments and care issues but not her actual daughter.
Give over you're embarrassing yourself with your protestations.

She was providing context that she wasn't given the majority of monetary worth of the jewellery.
If she hadn't spelt that out no doubt you would have wanted to know who received the most valuable piece.

@Kurkara
Very poor behaviour to be talking about the monetary value of items, surely you would treasure whatever you're given regardless of value??
This really isn't any of OP's business.

you sent her the link, it's not that hard, she is getting the majority of the jewellery, so she needs to stop rattling her chains respect her mum's wishes, and shut the chuff up

AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

I've already said that I interpret this as meaning that if SIL had been on the call earlier she would have kicked up a huge fuss and one or more out of MIL, OP and other DIL would have backed down and said 'OK you have them if it means that much to you', thus causing much embarrassment and ill feeling. SIL does not come out of this well however you interpret OP's remarks, surely.

"bearing in mind if she'd managed to join the Zoom call I'd be very unlikely to have them"

Is that what you meant?

So the daughter would have complained so much that she would have insisted that her mother (a grown woman with capacity) do as the daughter wanted rather than respect her mother's choices.

Yes, that is shocking.

SIL did join the call, even if she was late. So she could have sorted it out sooner. Had she joined sooner MIL might still have wished to gift you a piece of jewellery.

One item to each dil sounds perfectly reasonable to me, if it's multiple items maybe just keep one. If it's one keep it - tell SIL she can buy it back from you if she is really keen but that it has sentimental value for you and you want it to go to your daughter in time.

No worries, this is from the very first post on this thread:
"Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?
(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)"

Very few things I've read on MN have shocked me as much as this.
It's actually reassuring to know that the reason people are responding differently is because they've missed these details.

Where do you get that she made it like a raffle for everybody who turned up to be in with a chance if winning?!

Surely she had already decided and wanted them all together, so she could explain her reasoning to them all: "I'd like Sarah to have X, because...; then I want Y to go to John, because..."

Also, why on earth shouldn't she have the pleasure of seeing the reactions of her loved ones when she told them that she wanted to pass something special and meaningful to them? She's good enough to give them all of her treasures, but not to actually enjoy the giving process whilst she is still able to?

Wills and bequests cause so much family upset when people do or don't get what they were/weren't expecting - with no way of knowing why that decision was made.

A very wise woman deliberately avoids all of this and makes herself available to discuss and explain her decisions with them whilst she is still alive... but one of them, who can't actually be bothered to attend, still cavils at her decision and thinks she knows better whom somebody else should give their own stuff to. And she is criticised for not just shutting up and getting on with dying.

Alternatively, MIL thought she would like to talk to the whole family and explain that she wanted to leave one or two special items to each of her daughters-in-law and what she hoped was that the entire family would be part of the discussion where it was agreed what each would be given. It sounds to me as if she already knew what she wanted to give each DIL and just needed their confirmation that they would be happy to have the item. She wanted everything open and above board.

However, because of her own daughter's incompetence/disorganisation/laziness/mental health struggles (whichever applies), in the end she was not part of the discussion and is now aggrieved because she wanted everything. Weird grabby behaviour in my view, but of course nobody on this thread except the OP knows what the family dynamics are. The fact that daughter has not gone to see her mother for four years but her brothers and their wives have is suggestive, though.

I don't come from a family with significant amounts of jewellery passing down the generations, so it's news to me that there are rules about this, as so many posters are confidently stating (in spite of many others saying their families don't do these things).

So your SIL is getting 10x the value of jewelry already? Why?
she sounds selfish and manipulative.
And she hasn’t bothered visiting either.
learned helplessness maybe.

Honestly I don’t get all the fuss. You have a daughter and your MIL gifted jewellery to you knowing it will end up going to your daughter. Your daughter and your BIL daughter would have seen their grandmother wearing this jewellery so it will hold a special memory for them. Unlike your SIL and her sons - whose future wives will not know or have any memory of the grandmother whose jewellery they inherit. I would argue that some of the pieces given to your SIL should have been gifted to the granddaughters directly. Your SIL son’s future wives/ex wives could sell the jewellery in the future as they have no emotional connection to it since they will not know the person who wore it/owned it. The female mitochondria line has ended because your SIL hasn’t had daughters so all this argument for ‘it stays in the female line’ is completely incorrect. By gifting the jewellery to the granddaughters you’re doing the next best thing.

Aah SIL's turned up! So she has some technology knowledge then

If there are granddaughters from her sons, why wouldn't she want some of her things to pass on through those lines as well? Most to her daughter (as she has done) and a small amount to DILs to go to GDs. But that value should then be deducted from her daughters share of the rest of the estate to be fair to her sons.