Inheritance dilemma

But the hatred and disrespect this op has for the SIL literally drips like poison from the Op.

How the heck are we meant to take the OP’s version of this event as remotely being accurate

I am so sentimental about my mother's posessions.

And also

I am not so sentimental as to respect my mother's choices.

It wasnt a conversation. MIL was telling her loved ones the decisions she had made as close to face to face as she could manage. People were invited to listen. Not to carve up property that wasnt theirs.

She said, manipulatively.

You've deliberately framed that question, haven't you?

If MIL didn't care, she would have just done a will as a directive, not started a (faux) conversation to get peoples thoughts. Unless, MIL, too is manipulative and wanted some drama.

Basically, you won't know how you will feel until you're on that situation yourself. I doubt sil did and its come as a shock. it's a shame you can't expand yourself to consider the emotional impact of certain decisions instead of dealing in cold hard facts.

This reminds me a bit of when my nan died. I lived with her for several years and only moved out when it became apparent she needed to go into sheltered accommodation. On the very morning she died, after the hospital had called me at 5am to tell me I needed to go there, my aunt and uncle were sat in the waiting room. They hadn't seen her in over 10 years and yet, when we were asked what we wanted to do with my nan's jewellery, my aunt (her daughter-in-law by the way) instantly piped up that my nan had said she wanted her to have it all. It wasn't even very expensive, but, I know for a fact that this isn't what she wanted at all.
At the same time as my aunt was saying that, I was saying to the nurse that nan wanted to be buried in it. It broke my heart because she had one beautiful little ring (not even expensive, just decorated with garnets) that she used to lend me when I went out as a teenager. She'd tried to give it to me a couple of weeks before she died and it just felt to emotional because we both knew she probably didn't have long left, so I said no, let's do it another time. So, obviously I couldn't pipe up that I wanted it because I was only 21 at the time and my uncle and aunt were supposed to be the proper adults. The adults who couldn't even be bothered to see her when she was alive. I still think my aunt managed to get that jewellery, I don't believe she was buried in it. I couldn't bare to go and see her at the funeral home, it was bad enough seeing her in the hospital bed. To this date, she's the only dead person I've ever seen, it was horrible.
The point I'm trying to make is that families are weird about jewellery and stuff when people die - the nice part of me wants to think your SIL is acting up because she's sad about what's happening, but the realistic side of me thinks your SIL is just being an obstructive cow who thinks the world owes her everything just because she's The Chosen One!
Don't let her take the piece of jewellery that your MIL wants to leave you - you have your own close relationship with her, she wouldn't want you not to have it. She's chosen to give you a piece that reminds her, and you, of the first time you met. Sometimes family doesn't necessarily mean blood ties.

Well emotional blackmail like this might perhaps coerce me into not doing what I actually want, but that doesn't make it right. If you don't care about the value of the jewellery and would be happy with costume jewellery as long as it showed love, why would it comfort you to know you've only got the lot because you were manipulative?

This is totally up to the mother in law. Why would anyone have any issues of giving pieces to her daughters in law, the women her sons have chosen to join her family and she has a good relationship with? It doesn't sound like much in the great scheme of things anyway.

My late mother in law gave me pieces of jewellery (and other daughter in laws). Also she left rings to her grandsons. Her thinking was they would have to provide engagement rings for their future wives, whilst her granddaughters would have rings given to them. She wanted to help her grandsons out financially. The granddaughters received jewellery from her during her life and after she died, but not the rings.

It is about having a facetime call to divide up possessions which is not what usually happens in these sad circumstances.

If that was the best way that the terminallly ill person thought it could be done then it should have been immediate family only, not inlaws and as a dd hadn't been able to join the call it should have been postponed anyway.

As a mother, what would deive you to make a decision thst you know is hurting your bio child?

Why would there be a fallout? Why should MIL be coerced over her own belongings by a daughter threatening to cause a rift if she gets only 90% of a £55k jewellery collection?

Because I know how I'd feel if my mums jewellery was given away.

What if it was your mum herself who gave it away? In her will, to someone she loved? And you still got 90% of it? And it will most likely go on to her grandchildren that way?

If the problem is that it would make you feel unloved, emotionally blackmailing your SIL into giving it to you won't solve the issue. You'll still know it wasn't what your mother wanted. So what's the point?

MIL is alive and has capacity.
She is making choices whilst she can.

Essentially this about disrespecting an older woman's decisions.

The dead aren't here to feel the impact. Mil may feel differently if she knows the fallout when she's gone of siblings no longer talking. Most parents care a lot about the sibling relationship.

Well then the daughter can speak to her mother direct.
No need to try to bully anyone else.

Yes, mil can and should do what she wants and in terms of handling you can redirect to mil, but I'd give her the jewellery or tell mil you aren't comfortable accepting

if you honestly believe the first part of your sentence and aren’t just paying lip service to it, the second part does not follow logically.

Her mother might have felt different if she'd had a chance at the time to hear her own daughter out.

Because I know how I'd feel if my mums jewellery was given away. I'd rather have nothing financial from the estate and have the cheap jewellery than anything else. Jewellery is so personal. Even now I get my nans old costume jewellery out to look at because its just different.

Also, as I wouldn't expect inheritance from my MIL, if I got any l, especially a physical item, and her bio children wanted it, I'd hand it straight over. I would no longer be comfortable or feel good having it.

in the gentlest way, there is no way the daughter's views trumps her dying mother's wishes.

The MIL specifically chose an item that she saw as a link to her DIL. It is not for the daughter to override that.

If that were true or law then the trans situation could be a problem!!

why?

In the gentlest way, there's no way your sentimental value trumps sils.

Yes, mil can and should do what she wants and in terms of handling you can redirect to mil, but I'd give her the jewellery or tell mil you aren't comfortable accepting.

Separate to your SIL (who sounds incredibly draining and YANBU), having something in writing about dividing up possessions is a good idea if it causes conflict. I'm assuming your MIL already has her will sorted considering the circumstances, but this could be less legal and more just a written record of where she wants her personal possessions to go.

There's still the potential for someone to feel let down or short changed, but at least it will have been confirmed in writing and respect your MIL's wishes.

My grandma is in her late 80s and a bit obsessed with making sure all these things are organised. It's quite morbid but at least it removes any doubt. I speak as someone who's dealt with some really horrible inheritance drama - people can be really unpleasant if there's any room to quibble or argue.

It's actually nothing to do with how OP feels about her SIL.

It's about a woman getting her affairs in order and making her own decisions about what she wants to be done with her belongings. This is what she wants. If her daughter has an objection, she should raise it with her mother. That's all.

my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life.

This isn’t about an inheritance. This is about the OP despising everything, absolutely everything, about this woman.

and how the f**k do you know she has no “inner life” Op?

This is that most shocking post you have ever read on Mumsnet? Either you are very selective in which posts you read or you are being disingenuous. There have been many posts on Mumsnet from women who have been victims of physical violence and sexual assault, often committed by their husbands/partners, but you think that a rich woman who only received 90% of the jewellery worth £50,000 from her dying mother that she hasn't even visited in the past four years is more deserving of your pity and sympathy?

I'm struck by how often the minority of posters who are TeamSIL mention that nothing should have been decided until SIL joined the call. The call was set up at a time that was convenient for MIL and her sister, her two sons and their wives and the daughter (and presumably her husband if he had happened to be free at the time, which presumably he wasn't, as he is not mentioned as participating in the call). A delay of 35 minutes is quite a substantial delay. It could easily mean that one of the other people involved would have to leave the call early if they'd waited until SIL finally joined the call. As someone else said, MIL is terminally ill and may have picked a time of day when she knew she was likely to be reasonably OK, but as time wore on she may have felt tired or unwell. Whatever else we think about SIL, her lateness on the call was inconsiderate and inconvenient, and she would have done well to apologise to everyone else.