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Original poster

Inheritance dilemma

487 replies

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 18:15

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 27/08/2025 19:11

Exclude not excuse

shiningstar2 · 27/08/2025 19:10

I was with you until you said that if you where honest you knew your SIL wouldn't be able to set the call up..Her mother is dying and you set a call up in a way you knew would probably excuse her? And because you did that you admit you had more chance of receiving some of her mother's jewellery? Not cool op. Doesn't matter if the jewellery she received was worth more. You set up a situation where, for part of the time, she was excluded from a family conversation with her dying mother. You claim that you love your MIL but admit in your original text that your MIL was disappointed her daughter wasn't there.

PetiteBlondeDuBoulevardBrune · 27/08/2025 19:10

Usually jewellery goes to daughters or granddaughters so I can understand her surprise.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/08/2025 19:07

Okrr · 27/08/2025 18:56

Honestly, the daughter/daughters normally should expect to get their mum’s jewellery actually. You have your own mother to inherit from. If MIL gave it freely fine, but I think SIL should have first refusal.

I do think the estate money given should reflect that the daughter got 50k in jewels though but I would be conservative about the value.
I would hesitate to value jewellery, it is worth what a solid buyer will pay for it not what it was bought for or what you see online. If it is gold, prices have really gone up and will probably continue to.

If it was all sons, then the jewellery goes to the granddaughters. That is what I have seen and how my family has/would work. That said, some minor bits that my daughter did not want could go to a DIL. It sounds like we are talking about fine jewels not tat. Dad gives his watch or valuables to his son not his son in law.

I would not upset MIL about it, she has enough to worry about but you should let SIL have the jewellery if she wants it.

I am not saying that the DIL shouldn’t get anything say for her wedding, she might get a gift. But this is an inheritance.

Edited

That's a pretty wild assumption to make about the OP's mother, particularly given that we've already been told she's dead.

My paternal grandmother gave my mum some of her jewellery despite having a daughter she was very close to. It meant a lot to my mum. It showed her that her MIL loved and valued her in her own right, rather than just tolerating her as her son's wife. I borrowed the jewellery on my wedding day.

I really don't see the issue.

ShesTheAlbatross · 27/08/2025 19:07

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 18:42

It’s the fact that deep down I knew she’d somehow mess it up. I think I have some frustration around the fact that she’s done nothing and upset MIL by not visiting. I’m wondering if I set her up to fail.

Show quote history

You were asked to set up the call, it wasn’t your decision, you didn’t pick something knowing she’d fail. So short of going round to SIL’s house and showing her, I don’t see what else you could have done.

Original poster
midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 19:07

TaupeMember · 27/08/2025 18:50

I agree that your sil sounds awful and that ordinarily your mother in law's wishes should be respected re the jewellery.

However, if the items have no reply sentimental value to you or your husband, and bearing in mind you are dividing the rest of her estate three ways with bo quibbling, I'd be tempted to take the high ground, say the jewellery isnt important to me, she's welcome to it.

Then look forward to seeing her for the last time at the funeral.

They gave sentimental value as they come from a woman I love and respect.

I don’t imagine we’ll see much of SIL after the funeral. We hardly see her now! She won’t help plan the funeral either- obviously!

OP posts:
dammit88 · 27/08/2025 19:07

Honestly it’s her mum who is dying. I’d let her have the jewellery.

ScreamingBeans · 27/08/2025 19:07

TBH your SIL sounds like an entitled PITA.

I don't know anyone who thinks she's entitled to inherit ALL the jewellery. It's perfectly normal to give sisters, cousins, DIL's, nieces, friends etc. bits of jewellery too.

A friend of mine gave me 2 bits of jewellery before she died, it isn't at all inappropriate. It didn't even occur to her daughter or her granddaughter to whinge about it. But they're nice normal people.

I really wouldn't waste any brain space on this.

Moveoverdarlin · 27/08/2025 19:06

I couldn’t take jewellery from her. She grew up seeing her mother wear that jewellery, she probably knows a lot more about the pieces than you do.

I know my Mum’s jewellery really well, some belonged to my Gran, some was bought by my Dad for her. I’d be really fucked off of my SIL ended up with it.

SurferRona · 27/08/2025 19:06

This reply has been deleted

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Really?! Never, ever? Is this your first day on Mumsnet?! 😂😂

OP, you are def NBU, your MIL sounds lovely and wants to leave you a bequest, I think you need to respect that.

soupyspoon · 27/08/2025 19:04

I dont even know why you're asking. You might have known that she wouldnt be able to manage the call but you were asked to set this up so you did, end of story. She is able bodied and able minded and wont do it, so thats on her.

She sounds selfish and entitled.

And I see the 'she might have Adhd' poster has arrived.

ChopsyHatesFungus · 27/08/2025 19:03

TEAM OP.

Presumably MIL wants some pieces of her jewellery to pass down to all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren, so not just SIL’s line?

SIL sounds annoying as fuck and I can’t stand women who use their looks to manipulate (mostly men) others into doing everything for them. 🤦🏻‍♀️

You can’t help but feel a bit sorry for her though. Chances are, as she ages she’ll no longer be fawned over as younger girls will nab her position and then she’ll really be in trouble having no useful skills to fall back on. I’ve known a couple of women like that and they don’t adapt well to losing their powers of seduction and getting old!

Lafufufu · 27/08/2025 19:03

BournardTourney · 27/08/2025 18:22

At best she has learned helplessness but personally I believe with people like this it is an act. She had more than enough opportunity to ensure she was on the call in time or that she had support such as ensuring 10yr old was available. I say there is no more you could have done. I find people like this very manipulative and devious and find they more than capable of operating technology when it suits them to do tasks that suit them. I think her apparent lack of life and interest is a cultivated act as well. Don’t give her anything that has been gifted to you.

Absolutely this

OP support your MIL and DH

Your sil sounds very like my mil - its fucking infuriating

Mosaic123 · 27/08/2025 19:03

You did the right thing in all respects.

No need to worry.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 27/08/2025 19:02

@midlifesharp @Tracklement No, you didnt set up sil to fail at all. she has just failed at building her own life to be self sufficient. incidentally, do you think*@Tracklement *might be sil's handle??? cant believe she would begrudge you and your bil's wife 10% of the jewellery especially when you have done so much and she has done zilch!

Original poster
midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 19:01

Okrr · 27/08/2025 18:56

Honestly, the daughter/daughters normally should expect to get their mum’s jewellery actually. You have your own mother to inherit from. If MIL gave it freely fine, but I think SIL should have first refusal.

I do think the estate money given should reflect that the daughter got 50k in jewels though but I would be conservative about the value.
I would hesitate to value jewellery, it is worth what a solid buyer will pay for it not what it was bought for or what you see online. If it is gold, prices have really gone up and will probably continue to.

If it was all sons, then the jewellery goes to the granddaughters. That is what I have seen and how my family has/would work. That said, some minor bits that my daughter did not want could go to a DIL. It sounds like we are talking about fine jewels not tat. Dad gives his watch or valuables to his son not his son in law.

I would not upset MIL about it, she has enough to worry about but you should let SIL have the jewellery if she wants it.

I am not saying that the DIL shouldn’t get anything say for her wedding, she might get a gift. But this is an inheritance.

Edited

SIL has sons. I have one of each, BIL has a daughter.

(I’m laughing bitterly at the thought of inheriting anything from my mum. Mil Is an amazing woman and has been a far better maternal role model for me than mine ever was.)

OP posts:
Sunholidays · 27/08/2025 19:00

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Disagree. SIL sounds incompetent and beyond help. Plus she is not entitled to anything but whatever her mother wishes to give her.

OhHellolittleone · 27/08/2025 18:58

Complet · 27/08/2025 18:30

It would probably be a bit weird for some people. I would have thought one of the actual offspring would have set up the call and not the partner of one of the siblings.

I have a difficult SIL, but I don’t think I could accept my MIL jewellery and would probably ask for it to be given to her daughter. Death is hard enough for some people as it is without having things you’ve grown up with given to people who didn’t grow up with and appreciate them. Money is a bit different.

It’s pretty normal for mothers to gift jewellery to their son knowing they will give it to their wife/future wife/ daughter. In this case she just seems to have cut out the middle man and given it directly to her loved DIL.

Original poster
midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 18:58

Gloriousgardener11 · 27/08/2025 18:27

You did what you were asked and you went above and beyond to help your useless SIL.
Your poor MIL having to have such a meeting to split up her beloved earthly belongings.
It is one of those events that no matter what happened someone was going to be unhappy about the outcome so I would

The call and the planning and the organisation are very typical of MIL. She’s a very forceful successful woman who previously had a great and exciting career- where a lot of her pieces came from. She’s going on planning because it’s what she does. It’s an extraordinarily difficult call though, made harder by SIL

OP posts:
Pianoaholic · 27/08/2025 18:57

I think Yanbu.
I had a difficult scenario with jewellery with my late DM. She died from a brain tumour 2 and a half years ago.
During the last few months, she was getting quite confused and started getting a real bee in her bonnet about her jewellery and who it was going to....she had gone through it and wanted me to see it all and discuss what was happening to it etc. I have a younger sister, and I thought it was best that she be present too, so I suggested waiting until we were both there.
Next thing I knew, my sister told me it had all been sorted out. I was a bit surprised, not least as I had already said to sister that we should both be there. My daughter got very upset and said that DM had promised her certain items. She still goes on about it now as she was very close to my mum and my mum was a great grandmother to both my kids.
I didn't bother getting into too much of a state about it, my sister is the only member of my family left, so I didn't want to fall out over it.
There's just something very personal about jewellery I think, in a way that's different to money.

Clychaugog · 27/08/2025 18:57

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Did you read the same OP?!

Team OP here. ✊

londongirl12 · 27/08/2025 18:57

MyElatedUmberFinch · 27/08/2025 18:41

Who looks after her 10 year old if she doesn’t?

I’m surprised MIL didn’t want all her jewellery to go to her only DD.

i think you should stay out of things and leave it to the three siblings to arrange and sort out.

because maybe some MIL and DIL actually get along and care for each other. I don’t think it’s strange at all, especially if Op has done way more for her than SIL has. The fact that Op was asked to arrange the call proves that.

Wherehavealltheflowersgone1 · 27/08/2025 18:56

SIL sounds like a spoilt, entitled nightmare. Your MIL can decide to give HER possessions to whomever she chooses. The cheek of her to ring and demand you give it to her. Absolutely not. Team Op.

Okrr · 27/08/2025 18:56

Honestly, the daughter/daughters normally should expect to get their mum’s jewellery actually. You have your own mother to inherit from. If MIL gave it freely fine, but I think SIL should have first refusal.

I do think the estate money given should reflect that the daughter got 50k in jewels though but I would be conservative about the value.
I would hesitate to value jewellery, it is worth what a solid buyer will pay for it not what it was bought for or what you see online. If it is gold, prices have really gone up and will probably continue to.

If it was all sons, then the jewellery goes to the granddaughters. That is what I have seen and how my family has/would work. That said, some minor bits that my daughter did not want could go to a DIL. It sounds like we are talking about fine jewels not tat. Dad gives his watch or valuables to his son not his son in law.

I would not upset MIL about it, she has enough to worry about but you should let SIL have the jewellery if she wants it.

I am not saying that the DIL shouldn’t get anything say for her wedding, she might get a gift. But this is an inheritance.

DillyDallyingAllDay · 27/08/2025 18:55

OP, you’re fine. It’s perfectly normal for MILs to give things to their DIL as well as daughters. I’d be shocked if my mum didn’t leave some of her jewellery to my SILs; they’ve all got children who’d like to have it. I have nothing that belonged to my paternal grandma because my dads sister was very incredibly controlling over dividing up possessions when my grandma passed. She’s always promised to give all the grandchildren something when they were old enough but everything has ‘disappeared’.