Page 15 | Inheritance dilemma

dontsweatthesmallstufff · 27/08/2025 20:53

I’m surprised at the people who are encouraging you to ignore your MIL wishes and give SIL the jewellery behind MIL’s back.

I think what other families would do is irrelevant. Every family dynamic is different.

Robin67 · 27/08/2025 20:52

If SIL doesn't care enough about her mum to visit her, even while she is ill, especially as she has fuck-all else to do, and your MIL is of sound mind, and loves you, trusts you, respects you enough to ask you to plan meetings and assist with medical reviews, and then gave you pieces she wants you to have, which have sentimental value to you.....then SIL can go and fuck herself.

Don't give her those pieces. They will mean far more to you than they ever would do to her

Leedssdeel · 27/08/2025 20:46

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 18:15

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

You did everything you could and it sounds like you went out of your way because you ( rightly ) knew she wouldn’t prepare. You could have done nothing more. Yes you expected her to fail, but you gave her all the support you could so you absolutely did not set her up to fail.

If your MIL wants to leave something to you , that is her choice and her wishes - which should be respected . I would imagine if what you are having has a special significance to your SIL ( and If that is the reason she wants it ) then your MIL would have been aware , so it doesn’t seem that way .

You care for your MIL and she cares for you, you are also family , so take what she wants you to have as something to remember her by as it is clearly what she wants.

Spookyspaghetti · 27/08/2025 20:46

It’s customary for the daughter/s to inherit the jewellery, one piece to each female grandchild, and the odd piece to whomever the deceased wishes to have something to remember them by. If it is genuinely only one piece you accepted at your DMILs insistence then that’s fine.

Try not to crow though. Being incapable and useless (as you describe) doesn’t mean SIL will be any less devastated by her mother’s passing.

You mentioned a difficult relationship with your own mother and clearly see MIL as a mother figure. Try not to compete with SIL for the role of golden daughter.

Its sounds a terrible time all round and I’m sorry you all have to go through that.

Eddielizzard · 27/08/2025 20:45

It's not fair. I would feel the same.

Your lovely relationship with your MIL is such a gift. Enjoy the jewellery and don't feel bad about keeping it.

Your SIL has reaped huge rewards from her weaponised incompetence, and these are also the consequences.

Diarygirlqueen · 27/08/2025 20:43

I think the decision is entirely up to the mil, however, if this was my mum I would expect the call to be between my siblings not the in-laws.
You state many times how close you are and how you've done everything for your mil, that may be true but she is still not your mum.
Your sil must be devastated about losing her mum, its such a shame to be arguing over jewellery. You may be right in your point, but you come across quite judgey and overstepping in boundaries with your husbands family.

Hopefully the sil calms down and no further arguments in a stressful time. I'm glad she's getting the majority of the jewellery, its her place I think.

Keyhooks · 27/08/2025 20:38

OP, accept the jewellery as the gift it is.
Respect your MIL to know what she wants to gift.
Your SIL is getting enough.
How extraordinary of her not to visit her mother in 4 years.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 27/08/2025 20:38

Viviennemary · 27/08/2025 20:34

You went ahead without your sil and carved up the jewellery of a woman who hasn't even died yet. And you aren't a blood relative. You shouldn't be interfering in this at all.

Did you not read the OP? The MIL made decisions about what to do with HER OWN PROPERTY while she IS STILL ALIVE. No one else is 'carving up' anything. Your post is ridiculous and in trying to put the boot in to OP, you are being massively disrespectful to the woman who is EXPRESSING HER OWN WISHES.

I don't know @sandyhappypeople - just keep coming back to the fact the MIL drove this so perhaps she wanted to make sure there was a discussion which everyone heard and was present for so there was no misunderstanding later. Given SIL reaction, perhaps that makes sense.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2025 20:34

You went ahead without your sil and carved up the jewellery of a woman who hasn't even died yet. And you aren't a blood relative. You shouldn't be interfering in this at all.

sandyhappypeople · 27/08/2025 20:30

Hotflushesandchilblains · 27/08/2025 20:26

For the sanctimonious "I wouldnt take jewelry it should go to the daughter" brigade, and I say this from the heart - fuck off.

This woman has expressly made thoughtful decisions about what to do with HER property. We read on here all the time that inheritance is not a given, that you have no right to expect anything. How disrespectful of you to be questioning MILs wishes.

OP, you did everything you could to support your lovely MILs wishes. I would not enable any more of this weaponized helplessness either - SIL is a grown up, if she is old enough to have a kid, she is old enough to take some initiative.

i entirely agree with you, but the odd thing is that OP says if SIL had been able to get on the call it wouldn't have been left to the other DILs at all?

If it really is MILs wishes then why would SIL being on the call make any difference?

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 27/08/2025 20:30

I would look at this another way. Given that your SIL appears to be unable to do very much for herself, what exactly could you have done differently that would have resulted in her joining the call? From what you say it sounds as if she's unable/unwilling/whatever to follow any instructions at all.

Cosyblankets · 27/08/2025 20:28

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 18:42

It’s the fact that deep down I knew she’d somehow mess it up. I think I have some frustration around the fact that she’s done nothing and upset MIL by not visiting. I’m wondering if I set her up to fail.

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If you know what she's like so do her two brothers.
The call was not your request
Did anyone else suggest she might not be able to do it?
Someone else could have helped her. They didn't.
She could have had a practise call beforehand. She didn't.

Don't beat yourself up.
You were asked to set it up
She was asked to join. Same as everyone else. They managed it

ThatCyanCat · 27/08/2025 20:28

Hotflushesandchilblains · 27/08/2025 20:26

For the sanctimonious "I wouldnt take jewelry it should go to the daughter" brigade, and I say this from the heart - fuck off.

This woman has expressly made thoughtful decisions about what to do with HER property. We read on here all the time that inheritance is not a given, that you have no right to expect anything. How disrespectful of you to be questioning MILs wishes.

OP, you did everything you could to support your lovely MILs wishes. I would not enable any more of this weaponized helplessness either - SIL is a grown up, if she is old enough to have a kid, she is old enough to take some initiative.

She didn't even need to take any initiative. She just had to follow a few clear instructions, or just ask her husband to do it for her.

HermioneWeasley · 27/08/2025 20:27

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 18:40

I’m really close to MIL. She was wonderful to me when my own (much less lovely!) mother died and I’m in contact with her probably the most. I work 4 days a week so have been able to fly out for odd days here and there, found her current house with her, have been coordinating all the medical stuff.
I do really love her.
She gave me the piece that I admired as she was wearing it the first time I met her.

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What a thoughtful gift from your MIL. Of course you should have it. If I were SIL I’d be so grateful for your support to my mother and thankful she had more people who love her in her life.

I’m sorry your having such a difficult time

Hotflushesandchilblains · 27/08/2025 20:26

For the sanctimonious "I wouldnt take jewelry it should go to the daughter" brigade, and I say this from the heart - fuck off.

This woman has expressly made thoughtful decisions about what to do with HER property. We read on here all the time that inheritance is not a given, that you have no right to expect anything. How disrespectful of you to be questioning MILs wishes.

OP, you did everything you could to support your lovely MILs wishes. I would not enable any more of this weaponized helplessness either - SIL is a grown up, if she is old enough to have a kid, she is old enough to take some initiative.

Coconutter24 · 27/08/2025 20:23

MyElatedUmberFinch · 27/08/2025 18:41

Who looks after her 10 year old if she doesn’t?

I’m surprised MIL didn’t want all her jewellery to go to her only DD.

i think you should stay out of things and leave it to the three siblings to arrange and sort out.

Why would you be surprised MIL didn’t want all her jewellery go to her DD? She left most of it to her and wanted to leave her DILs some, her choice.

Why should Op stay out of it when her MIL asked her to arrange the call? They obviously have a nice relationship and she wanted to do that for her

frugalkitty · 27/08/2025 20:21

I think that as MIL has made the decisions about who gets what you shouldn't feel bad OP, and now it's up to your DH to deal with his sister if she keeps on about it. I think it's lovely that you have a close enough bond with your MIL that she'd like to honour it by giving you something special.

I'm being left all my mum's jewellery (I have two brothers) but I will pass some onto my niece later so that she has something of my mum's. In turn, my daughter will have all of my jewellery in my will although should I have DILs along the way if my sons marry I would make sure if there's anything specific I'd want them to have it's done ahead of time. Mind you, my mum and I don't have £50k between us so maybe it's less of an issue being sentimental rather than monetary.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 27/08/2025 20:21

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 19:53

SIL has 2 sons, I have one of each, BIL has a daughter. So unless she plans to leave the jewellery to her nieces (unlikely) then her daughter in laws will get some lovely pieces from someone they never even met.

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Hmm it really doesn’t sound like she has anything to give you a hard time about then. Her sons are hardly likely to be interested in all of this jewellery long term.

That’s lovely that both your daughter and your BIL’s DD will most likely eventually receive the smaller amount of jewellery your MIL has gifted to you both now. That’s such a shame your SIL hasn’t considered that her mother may have liked her 2 Granddaughters to eventually receive something and for that to stay in the family.

Zanatdy · 27/08/2025 20:19

I think it’s fair enough you both get something. Would she really have demanded all the jewellery? She is out of order, and glad your DH told her that. It’s what your MIL wants. Your SIL can complain all she likes, and i’d be happy to tell her that she is totally selfish and out or order demanding ALL the jewellery.

ThatCyanCat · 27/08/2025 20:18

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 20:17

Not the intention. I think I included the additional info to try to explain why she was unable to join the call. I was talking to a friend about it without the specifics and she assumed I’d arranged something more complicated (eg asking her to get Microsoft teams!) so it was weirdly important to me that people realised I’d organised something straightforward and that the problem may elsewhere. I may have been a bit too detailed though. Fortunately the odds of her being on Mumsnet are minuscule.

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Doesn't sound like she'd be able to set up an account or find the site.

Gerwurtztraminer · 27/08/2025 20:18

Okrr · 27/08/2025 18:56

Honestly, the daughter/daughters normally should expect to get their mum’s jewellery actually. You have your own mother to inherit from. If MIL gave it freely fine, but I think SIL should have first refusal.

I do think the estate money given should reflect that the daughter got 50k in jewels though but I would be conservative about the value.
I would hesitate to value jewellery, it is worth what a solid buyer will pay for it not what it was bought for or what you see online. If it is gold, prices have really gone up and will probably continue to.

If it was all sons, then the jewellery goes to the granddaughters. That is what I have seen and how my family has/would work. That said, some minor bits that my daughter did not want could go to a DIL. It sounds like we are talking about fine jewels not tat. Dad gives his watch or valuables to his son not his son in law.

I would not upset MIL about it, she has enough to worry about but you should let SIL have the jewellery if she wants it.

I am not saying that the DIL shouldn’t get anything say for her wedding, she might get a gift. But this is an inheritance.

Edited

The daughter/daughters normally should expect to get their mum’s jewellery actually.. If it was all sons, then the jewellery goes to the granddaughters. That is what I have seen and how my family has/would work.

Well this isn't your family is it. MiL in this case is still alive and deciding for herself what she wants to do and her wishes should be respected both before and after her death. Daughter is being really greedy and crass, even putting aside not visiting her mother in 4 years less alone now she has a finite time. in MY view OP would be very disrepectful to give SiL the jewellery as that's not honouring what MiL wants.

No one should "expect" to get anything when a relative dies. You aren't entitled to it. It's entirely up to that person to decide how to distribute their estate. From the sounds of it most of the jewellery isn't family heirlooms handed down for generations, it's items bought by MiL in her own lifetime. Daughter is getting most of it anyway. OP should keep the items she's being given and remember her loved (and amazing sounding ) MiL every time she wears them.

Original poster

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 20:17

Livelovebehappy · 27/08/2025 20:03

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself

tbh I’m wondering what this context has to do with the inheritance situation. Sounds like you’ve added it in to make it sound like she doesn’t need anything because she’s a kept woman.

Not the intention. I think I included the additional info to try to explain why she was unable to join the call. I was talking to a friend about it without the specifics and she assumed I’d arranged something more complicated (eg asking her to get Microsoft teams!) so it was weirdly important to me that people realised I’d organised something straightforward and that the problem may elsewhere. I may have been a bit too detailed though. Fortunately the odds of her being on Mumsnet are minuscule.

OP posts:

Charlize43 · 27/08/2025 20:14

All this bitterness could have been avoided and it would have been much better for everyone if she's bequeathed the lot to The Cats Protection.

Imnotgonnamiss · 27/08/2025 20:13

My mum will certainly split jewellery as well as other personal possessions between my brother and I because we are both her children. The fact what goes to my brother will be his wife who wears it is surely irrelevant. Even if it matters my SIL the mother of two of my parents four grandchildren and a key part of our family.

godmum56 · 27/08/2025 20:07

Okrr · 27/08/2025 18:56

Honestly, the daughter/daughters normally should expect to get their mum’s jewellery actually. You have your own mother to inherit from. If MIL gave it freely fine, but I think SIL should have first refusal.

I do think the estate money given should reflect that the daughter got 50k in jewels though but I would be conservative about the value.
I would hesitate to value jewellery, it is worth what a solid buyer will pay for it not what it was bought for or what you see online. If it is gold, prices have really gone up and will probably continue to.

If it was all sons, then the jewellery goes to the granddaughters. That is what I have seen and how my family has/would work. That said, some minor bits that my daughter did not want could go to a DIL. It sounds like we are talking about fine jewels not tat. Dad gives his watch or valuables to his son not his son in law.

I would not upset MIL about it, she has enough to worry about but you should let SIL have the jewellery if she wants it.

I am not saying that the DIL shouldn’t get anything say for her wedding, she might get a gift. But this is an inheritance.

Edited

The OP did EXACTLY as she was asked to by the person who currently owns the jewellery. I think that daughters expecting to get stuff is quite unpleasant actually. Also why do you think that ANYBODY should go against the wishes of the person who owns the jewellery?