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Original poster

Inheritance dilemma

487 replies

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 18:15

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

OP posts:
SprayWhiteDung · 27/08/2025 22:21

Angelofmycoins · 27/08/2025 20:57

I don't think you should have set the call up on the first place.

one of her children should have done that. When she asked you, you should have passed the request to one of them.

My lovely MIL asks occasionally when she needs help with something - whether it's DIY, tech/computing, gardening, lifts to GP appointments or whatever.

She asks the person who is most knowledgeable/capable about whatever the need is, is available and in the best position to help - regardless of whether they are her blood children or married to them.

She's wise to do so: if she asked anybody but the 'most appropriate' person for help with a particular task, they would most likely tell her that X would be better placed/more knowledgeable about it anyway.

But she's an intelligent woman who is perfectly capable of approaching the best person for the job at the outset.

AardvarkaKedavra · 27/08/2025 22:19

Given that your MIL has given the bulk of the jewellery to SIL and that your husband and MIL are both happy to have you receive the jewellery selected for you, I think you should accept it graciously and not give it to SIL. How much jewellery does one person need, anyway? You can only wear so much at one time, and she's getting the pieces that her mother wants her to have.

As for 'tradition', if MIL wants to give special pieces to people other than her daughter, surely that's far more important than anything else.

HonoriaBulstrode · 27/08/2025 22:18

I think you shouldn’t take jewellery because it’s not your mother. Your sil should have the jewellery from her mother.

Why should sil have it all? The lady has two sons. Why can't they have some of their mother's jewellery?

PigletSanders · 27/08/2025 22:16

I’m truly shocked at the posters who believe that the dying woman and her wishes should be ignored because they’re not ‘proper’ or how things ‘should be done’.

How backwards is this site?!

PigletSanders · 27/08/2025 22:14

dammit88 · 27/08/2025 19:07

Honestly it’s her mum who is dying. I’d let her have the jewellery.

Who are these posters sharing this view?!

The MIL wants the OP to have it, not her useless, selfish, egotistical daughter, who hasn’t visited her once since she’s lived abroad.

Why should archaic and outdated convention dictate that the awful daughter should get it, and a dying woman cannot give a gift of a piece of jewellery to a beloved DIL?

For fuck’s sake. We’ve moved on.

Robin67 · 27/08/2025 22:11

Hysterectomynext · 27/08/2025 21:14

I’m shocked if this is real. I think you shouldn’t take jewellery because it’s not your mother. Your sil should have the jewellery from her mother.
I can’t imagine wanting to take this. Not at all

Do you get shocked if people disinherit their children? Or give things to charity? It doesn't matter that she is not her mother
The MIL wants her to have these pieces. What anyone else wants or thinks should happen is completely immaterial

SprayWhiteDung · 27/08/2025 22:10

Gloriia · 27/08/2025 21:16

Agree with this, this all sounds so very crass. Your mil should just write down who gets what, I've never known anyone discuss the items on a video call.

I think all your comments about your sil sound incredibly judgemental and unpleasant. Leave her alone and maybe step back a bit this should be down to your dh to be sorting.

Show quote history

I think it's well cheeky to denounce a dying lady whom you don't even know as 'crass' for her decision as to how to pass on her treasures to her loved ones - wanting to be able to do it with them 'there' (albeit not in person, owing to distance) and interacting, able to listen together to her reasoning and her wishes, rather than a cold list on a piece of paper.

Just because you haven't heard of anybody choosing a family video call to do this, that doesn't mean that it's the wrong choice for somebody else to make for themselves.

Robin67 · 27/08/2025 22:08

Angelofmycoins · 27/08/2025 20:57

I don't think you should have set the call up on the first place.

one of her children should have done that. When she asked you, you should have passed the request to one of them.

Why? If that's what MIL wanted, and OP was happy to do it, why would she not comply? Does MIL not get to decide anything any more

SprayWhiteDung · 27/08/2025 22:05

Charlize43 · 27/08/2025 20:14

All this bitterness could have been avoided and it would have been much better for everyone if she's bequeathed the lot to The Cats Protection.

Why ever should the lady do that rather than give it to her family, just because one person who was already getting a majority share wanted all of it?

Notonthestairs · 27/08/2025 22:01

If you don’t know how to join a Zoom call you Google it.

The jewellery are gifts, not inheritance.

I hope no future DIL of mine would ever be guilted in to turning down any gift I might make.

lazyarse123 · 27/08/2025 22:00

Viviennemary · 27/08/2025 20:34

You went ahead without your sil and carved up the jewellery of a woman who hasn't even died yet. And you aren't a blood relative. You shouldn't be interfering in this at all.

Are you being deliberately thick? It was the poor woman who is dying who wanted op and her other dil and her daughter to zoom together so she could tell them what she wanted them all to have and to see if anyone wanted anything that had special meaning.
Her own fucking blood relative couldn't get her act together in time to start the planned meeting even with all op prompts.
Let's hope the blood relative gets herself sorted to see her own mother, who she hasn't bothered to see in 4 years, before she passes.
Ops mil clearly knows who she can rely on at this terrible time.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 27/08/2025 21:57

Okrr · 27/08/2025 18:56

Honestly, the daughter/daughters normally should expect to get their mum’s jewellery actually. You have your own mother to inherit from. If MIL gave it freely fine, but I think SIL should have first refusal.

I do think the estate money given should reflect that the daughter got 50k in jewels though but I would be conservative about the value.
I would hesitate to value jewellery, it is worth what a solid buyer will pay for it not what it was bought for or what you see online. If it is gold, prices have really gone up and will probably continue to.

If it was all sons, then the jewellery goes to the granddaughters. That is what I have seen and how my family has/would work. That said, some minor bits that my daughter did not want could go to a DIL. It sounds like we are talking about fine jewels not tat. Dad gives his watch or valuables to his son not his son in law.

I would not upset MIL about it, she has enough to worry about but you should let SIL have the jewellery if she wants it.

I am not saying that the DIL shouldn’t get anything say for her wedding, she might get a gift. But this is an inheritance.

Edited

The daughters should not expect the jewellery. Nobody should expect anything. It is the MIL’s property to do with as she chooses. It is in very poor taste to have expectations of an inheritance.

HonestBlueEagle · 27/08/2025 21:55

Tbh I find it odd she gifted jewellery to both her dils and at the vaue of 5k different if it was going to a granddaughter but I would expected it to go to her dd not inlaws.

godmum56 · 27/08/2025 21:55

HonoriaBulstrode · 27/08/2025 21:10

It’s customary for the daughter/s to inherit the jewellery, one piece to each female grandchild....

Says who?

Why can't sons or grandsons inherit jewellery?

Yup, people just make stuff up and call it customary

TriciaA1991 · 27/08/2025 21:53

You are being VERY reasonable! Well done. It always seems to be the ones who do nothing who seem to be the most entitled. One of my family effectively stole a lot of others inheritance by taking everything from a house that was sale-able. She had even managed to get a key copied when she shouldn't have had access to the house ........

Nothankyov · 27/08/2025 21:52

@midlifesharp From what I can see you feel bad because you knew that she wouldn’t be able to join the call, but you also say it’s a learned helplessness… so either way you aren’t to blame. MIL asked you to do something and you did it. You provided extra instructions for your SIL (a grown woman) to join and she then chose to activate her “learned helplessness” that’s on her not on you.
With regards to the jewellery I’m actually surprise at the posters that say it’s normally the daughters that inherit it all the jewellery (maybe this is an English thing - I don’t know). I would expect it to be divided equally in between the siblings (in value).

But if you MIL has given them to you I wouldn’t return it. Like you I have a lovely MIL and if I were gifted something from her I wouldn’t want to give it to my SIL.

edited to say: I also disagree with the “you should have passed it on to the actual children to do”. But the way I see it is my husbands family is my family and vice versa so again - maybe it’s a cultural thing.

CleaningAngel · 27/08/2025 21:52

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 18:27

Fair enough! Smile I was just trying to explain how a grown woman would be unable to join a zoom call. Given that I knew she’d somehow mess it up was I unreasonable to expect her to try?

I do need to point out that she’s got good GCSEs and no learning disabilities and is seemingly neurotypical. She’s just never done anything for herself.

Show quote history

I have all of the above qualifications, but would be absolutely clueless at how to do a zoom call , not everyone is computer literate

NImumconfused · 27/08/2025 21:51

Angelofmycoins · 27/08/2025 20:57

I don't think you should have set the call up on the first place.

one of her children should have done that. When she asked you, you should have passed the request to one of them.

Why? OP has said she's helped MIL with a lots of things, they obviously have a good relationship, and most importantly MIL asked her too - why do you think her wishes should be disregarded?

I'm really amazed at the number of people on here saying the daughter should get everything. I don't come from the sort of family that owns decent jewellery, but I would have been perfectly happy for mum to leave whatever she wanted to anyone she liked. Why shouldn't other members of the family have something to remember her by? And it sounds like there are plenty of lovely pieces, so it's not as if SIL isn't getting anything, she's getting the majority of it.

I think you've done absolutely nothing wrong OP, and you should accept the jewellery your MIL wanted you to have and remember a lovely woman whenever you wear it. I imagine your DH will like to see a reminder of his mum too.

dagoo · 27/08/2025 21:48

OP I found your description of how your MIL remembered you admiring the jewellery when you first met her really moving.

Fwiw I think the being late to the call thing is a complete red herring, your MIL had clearly given this a lot of thought. I think she decided she wanted you to have it years ago.

justasking111 · 27/08/2025 21:43

BernardButlersBra · 27/08/2025 21:33

What was required was hardly onerous?! She's hardly overloaded by work, caring for others, cleaning etc. She can't even drive?! Can she do anything? All l can say is she better make sure her beauty regime, diet, fitness and wardrobe are on point. If / when husband bins her off then she will be fucked (l would struggle married to someone so useless). She sounds lazy, boring and pathetic. No one's looks last forever do they

Another team OP here. Why would she get the lot?

Sorry to hear about your MIL

I know a woman like this once beautiful loosely related. Married an older man had a wonderful life for twenty years. Granny raised the children. One day her husband left her for a very ordinary but intelligent woman.

She went to pieces because she couldn't understand how he could become unhappy with her. There's nothing about her you can dislike but lord she's such a vacuus person, unfinished somehow. she married after GCSEs has never worked . Now in her mid fifties she's still a child/woman who has never matured.

Surveille222 · 27/08/2025 21:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MySweetMaggie · 27/08/2025 21:38

Your MIL sounds like a very caring woman to want to make sure everyone has something from her. How lovely. You also tried your best to do what you could to sort out the situation. I think keep the things MIL wanted you to have, obviously you have had a good relationship and should have some things to remember her by.

justasking111 · 27/08/2025 21:34

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 19:49

That’s insightful. The bit about inheritance being seen as a proxy for love. My own mum was massively awful and MIL was great and lovely. Perhaps I do want something I can look at and think “she loved me”.
Now I’m sad.

Show quote history

Don't be sad I have DILs I love dearly. I intend for them to have jewellery. Personal items the family can divvy up as they see fit. The house and money to be shared equally.

It's mine while I'm breathing. I'd try to be as organised as your MIL too.

Costcogroupie · 27/08/2025 21:34

midlifesharp · 27/08/2025 18:44

She has cleaners and a mothers help (20 hours a week) who picks up and drops off the kids (SIL doesn’t drive) and cooks and does laundry etc

Show quote history

If she doesn't drive who drops her off to all the lunches, coffee mornins, bridge parties, shopping, cocktail events etc?

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 27/08/2025 21:34

Angelofmycoins · 27/08/2025 20:57

I don't think you should have set the call up on the first place.

one of her children should have done that. When she asked you, you should have passed the request to one of them.

Excuse me for butting in.

I think her MIL's request (who is obviously of sound mind still) overrides your opinion.

Perhaps she knows that the sons would mess it up, and SIL would fail to engage at all.

Either way, the OP did as she was asked.

And the question you are answering is not the one she is asking for advice on.