Does her DH have somewhere to land??

It's been made clear here that actually, if their marriage appears to be fine from the outside, then people around them will speculate that he is cheating. So he doesnt only have to communicate openly with his wife, but his family, friends, neighbours, colleagues and in-laws, too.

I didn't say he was under more obligation than a woman is, how bizarre.

Both partners in a marriage should try to make it work otherwise why bother entering into a marriage at all?

My point is simply that if your son communicates well with his future wife should he get married and makes an effort to ensure they have an equal & respectful relationship there is no reason that he will be solely blamed or suspected of cheating should the marriage unfortunately end.

My son could marry an abusive person who makes honest communication very difficult if not dangerous. He's under no more pressure than his sister from me to stay in an unhealthy relationship. He doesn't need to make inordinate efforts to try and make it work just because he's male or because he is married. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

Oh don't be so ridiculous!

Hopefully your son will be the type of man who actually communicates with his partner rather than one who hides how he feels, doesn't communicate his needs and then feels his unspoken happiness justifies an affair.
And hopefully he will be the type of man who takes his marriage seriously & will try all he can to make it work before he decides he wants to end it.

It is possible for marriages to be ended fairly amicably if both partners behave respectfully towards each other.

‘Nothing has happened’, ‘The cheque’s in the post’, ‘Of course I’ll still respect you in the morning’.

Yeah that isn't okay. Especially how "suspicious" people think it is okay to treat those they find dubious.

If he isn’t, he has nothing to worry about.
They’re only suspicions until the truth emerges.

Nothing to appear they were unhappy.

But do you know they were happy?

Yeah, that doesnt sound great to me. I think the world is a lot more complex than that.

Thinking about my all the men in my circle of friends, they all left because of another woman. Most had affairs, and only one split up because he developed a crush on someone at work (who he later married). Most of these men were in ‘happy family set-ups’ , ie, husband and wife doing things together, with their kids etc.

I’fe known fewer women leave their husbands, the reason being controlling partners.

haha. The reality is that cliches are cliches for a reason. Yes, if a man leaves his wife seemingly out of the blue, we all assume it's an affair.

But, spoiler alert, if it is NOT an affair, that will become clear over time. The reason we all think it's an affair is becuase 9/10, within weeks, the man has a new girlfriend who just happened to come on the scene and who very quickly, it's discovered the truth.

These things aren't exactly hidden.

Just like lots of men are shitty co-parents and certainly more men are absent or elusive parents than women - that is a statistical fact. But of course, not all men are. And it's really very easy to spot the difference. I'm a bit cynical so I tend to worry that the man is going to be become an absent father but I'm also fully able to see the many men who do not do so.

And this is backed up by remarriage rates after being widowed. Men are much more likely to remarry after the death of a spouse than women.

What I would hate is that my son overhears this type of talk from me where I tell him that the world will think he is cheating if he tries to leave his wife at all.

True in this case but not true in all cases.

And if I was cynical, I could say the women I know just didn't want to solely handle the finances for her and her kids to be housed. But really I know it is far more complex than that and more about her lack of autonomy and the poor relationships she has seen around her.

Stereotypes exist for a reason. Agree, not every man leaves for someone else but this thread has proved that it’s depressingly weighted that way

Just to be very clear, I don't believe that the cliche of men doing this - finding some other woman and then leaving - is a real thing becuase of anatomy or biology. It's because of the way men and women are socialised and the endless lessons we teach girls and boys without even realising it. men centre themselves and society has allowed, or even encouraged this, for a long time. It's one of the reasons the language we use for girls vs boys or men vs women is so often different with such different connotations.

Funnily enough, I personally know two couples well enough to have seen the situation where the man has CLAIMED that the relationship broke down because of the woman's "issues". But it only takes a tiny tiny bit of digging to see that it's far more complicated than that. In one, she was completely worn down and no, she ddn't want to have sex. Why? Because HE had never stepped up. He claimed he was so stressed at work that she had to cut back to part time hours becuase the "stress" of coming home and having to do childcare or housework was too much for him. If the house wasn't spotless when he came home, he would have a meltdown. If he couldn't go running for 2 hours 6 days a week... he had a metldown. And yes, she became a nervous wreck. I remember going over one day and she was in a state because she hadn't had a chance to clean up the kitchen after the DC's dinner and he was going to be home soon. Another time, she came out for drinks and her parents were looking after the DC as he was away for work and she told me how relaxing it had been not having him there. But ify ou spek to HIM he will tell you (as he has told many mutual friends), that she became boring and anxious and he just felt like he needed more.Oh, and it was a total coincidence that he found a new partner within weeks of breaking up.

The other claims his ex was "toxic" and "mental" and that he "couldn't do anything right". Funnily enough, I've personally experienced his aggression when he didn't get his own way directed to me, my dh and my DC as well as to other people. He once physically shoved me out of the way because he was so angry that we were hosting a baby shower for his wife at their house. Since the relationship broke down, even as he tells everyone how "mental" and "toxic" and "narcissistic" she is, he has not had their DC for a single overnight, has routinely disappeared for months at a time (apparently she's caused his mental health to be very bad) and has not paid a single penny towards his children.

And on MN and hearing stries from other people that are similar, I know how commoon this is.

So I'm sure you'll hate me because frankly, i dont' believe most of the stories about needing to leave because of a woman's issues.

Offensive, yet, it turns out, true. Not ‘demonstrably untrue’ at all.

That would be one interpretation, certainly.
I’m a little more cynical than you and would put it down more to laziness. They don’t want the hassle and upheaval, or to have to do all the household chores and part-time child care on their own!

"informal response" clearly being shorthand for "an offensive stereotype that's demonstrably untrue but is nevertheless common here because MN is full of bitter women".

I see that as a problem with self esteem and disempowerment. If you're scared to be alone, it isn't from a position of strength.

I think the men in my immediate circle are pretty happy.
Those who I’m just aware of and that behaved in this way though, I think they did know they could be happier, but they preferred to wait for that new ‘happiness possibility’ to show up before leaving their situation.
I don’t think men, generally, do as well on their own as women do - in fact, I think there has actually been some research done on this! They’d rather be unhappy WITH someone than risk trying to be happy alone.

It is rife on this site. Probably the worse I've seen on the Internet in a place that isn't for incels and the like.