Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

I'm so sorry OP, this must be so hard. Personally I do tend to agree with you. Your nephew is a grown man, not a child, and sometimes we really do have to do things that make us uncomfortable. At some stage we'll probably all need someone to do similar things for us too. Life cannot be all about us, sometimes we have to push those limits for the sake of compassion and (dare I say) decency. Death and illness is very much a part of life I'm afraid and he won't be able to avoid it forever. If he was being asked to view the body, then that's a different matter.

Kindly, op, having lost two very close family members to brain tumours and nursed one of them at home to the end, I wouldn’t wish any family member of any age experience the last weeks if they didn’t have to. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this and hope you have good support around you. Sending you strength for what’s ahead.

Your nephew should step up and go to visit - he's a grown up, and grown ups have to do things that make them uncomfortable sometimes.

My DS visited his step-grandfather in hospital last week - he asked me if hevreally had to go, I told him that of course he did, he admitted that he knew he had to visit, just didn't really want to, but he went.

Your nephew's parents should be telling him he needs to go - family needs to support each other at times like this.

One of my sisters didn't visit my Dad for the 2 years he was in a nursing home with dementia, as she would have been so upset if he didn't recognise her. I've never forgiven her for being so selfish.

When a friends MiL was in a hospice she looked as unwell as she was and my friend found it very distressing. Her dh was obviously upset and wanted both of his sons , in their 20s, to go and say goodbye. One did the other didn't. The dad was really angry by this and tried to force him to go in and my friend had to step in and say enough. It is purely a personal choice and noone has the right to demand or even expect it.
Age does not come into at all.

Sorry for what you are all going through at the moment x 💐

I visited my aunt when I was 40+ years old. She was very precious to me and I went as much as I could.

The whole thing was horrific. I talked to a counseller after her death and I had to concentrate a lot on the hospice, what it was like and how my aunt left us. Seeing how things ended for her in the hospice was just as hard to deal with as losing her.

You are being INCREDIBLY unreasonable.

I visited someone I loved dearly in a hospice frequently and seeing them so sick was incredibly hard, but of course you have to stifle that for their benefit. They had the oft-seen "rally" close to the end and that was my last interaction with them. I was asked if I'd like to see the body after death but I declined. I want to remember them as (more or less) the person I loved for so many years.

Don't ever judge how other people deal with death and dying. It's their decision and their right.

You are being massively unreasonable, its a personal choice. I choose not to see my grandad in a hospice and we were very close - i just couldnt do it. Was forced to stay with my MIL day after day as she was dying and then eventually in a hospice and it was the most horrific thing to watch. I wont do it again so dont judge your nephew.

And I do want to say that I'm sorry about your brother, it must be a horrible time for you.

Every family is family or community is different. In mine, if you chose not to visit someone when they’re sick (save for extenuating circumstances), you have no business going to their funeral.

Seeing my Dad many times in the last month of his life was the most heartbreaking and upsetting thing I've ever had to do. I'm glad my children didn't see him like that (they live away) and they can remember Dad as poorly but not emaciated and crying with pain and confusion.

I'm sorry about your brother OP. I hope you have a lot of support around you during this time.

I agree...I think young people nowadays have these very elongated childhood/teenage years....22 is plenty old enough to understand that sometimes in life we have to do unpleasant things or potentially be upset.

It's so hard to face losing your brother, I am really sorry. Take care.

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother OP. Life can be so cruel.

In answer to your question, I lost my Dad recently to cancer. My siblings and I all spent time with him in what we knew would be his last weeks but the grandchildren who are all the age of your nephew and older did not. We all totally supported their decision as they wanted to remember their Grandad as he was. My Dad would have been very upset for them to see him so unwell too, it would have brought no joy or peace to anyone really so it seemed like the right decision at that time for everyone and it's not one we regret now he has gone.

It's a very tough time facing the end of life of a much loved family member and small and big decisions all feel like you're trying to navigate a mountain.

Sending you and your family much love OP.

I’d absolutely hate to think that my neices and nephews might come and visit me if I was unconscious in a hospice. It would be unnecessary and intrusive for me.

When I was 20-something, my brother was in the ICU not expected to live. He was in a coma. I was persuaded to go say goodbye. It haunts me to this day seeing him like that, more than two decades later. He thankfully survived, but no one should have pressured me when I initially said no to going. YABU.

I think you have to appreciate that everyone has different wishes and ability to cope. I have done a fair few end of life visits which have been quite positive but one where I wish I hadn’t. I have found viewing a body much easier than some of the visits to people who were still just alive.

My granny: was horrific. She was in a very dark place and I just remember her being quite nasty which was very unlike her and she was obviously in pain. I wish I hadn’t gone that last time as it tainted some memories. I was in my early 20s, it was the first bereavement and it was just very hard. This one has shaped my views that people should only go if they really want to.

uncle: didn’t realise it was the last time I’d see him. Was cheerful for my children who had a brief visit but then showed how mentally low he was for me.

Husband’s granny: quite peaceful and I felt able to bring my children as she was comfortable and just quiet. They’d seen a gradual decline and spent a lot of time with her.

husband’s other granny: she responded positively to our children who had a very brief visit and it seemed to bring her joy but I hated the home she was in and it made me really sad.

I’m currently gearing myself up for visiting my
own mother in tough circumstances. I will not be bringing my children as I think they’d find it too distressing at the moment. I don’t really want to go but know that I have to and that’s hard enough.

I am so sorry about your DB.
However I don’t think there should be an obligation on a nephew to see his uncle in the hospice. If it were his son or grandson it might be different, and equally if DB had DCs himself I don’t think anyone would have any expectation of a nephew visiting.

It's totally his choice. Nobody should be made to feel they have to certain things in these situations.
I always advise just thinking about what you would regret more. Would you regret seeing someone in this situation or would you rather remember them how they were?
These are very traumatic things no matter how old you are and they effect everyone differently. Just because you feel you should do it and can cope with it doesn't mean others should and can

I am very sorry about your brother and I agree with you. Illness and death are upsetting but I feel you have to show up and support when needed. It’s just not on to say it’s upsetting. It’s a journey we all make-how would we feel if no one showed up because feels.

I am so sorry about your brother.

In an ideal world, objectively, yes a 22 yo should make their own decision.

And for parents to support young adults through the difficult moments of life.

But OP, this is not the moment for family friction. You say your brother would not be aware. (And his parents presumably know that). You don’t necessarily know what else the nephew might be going through at present. Focus on your own visits and relationship with your brother, don’t put energy into a grudge, feud or resentment.

Did the nephew have a close relationship with your brother?

Is he a beneficiary of his Will? (Just trying to go through reasons for your upset over this)

No he doesn't have to visit , you are projecting your feelings into your nephew. If he finds it too distressing then that's entirely up to him

Your behaviour on this thread is deeply unpleasant and I’m glad you edited your last post but you are very very far out of line speaking about a 17 year old losing their father.

You keep referring to your nephew as a grown adult, and of course he is. But still, 22 is very young. My children are in their early 20s, and I know that I, in my 50s, could cope much more easily with some things than they could.

I'm really sorry about your brother but I do feel like you are focusing on this issue as a way of distracting yourself from your grief. This is a completely understandable instinct but I'm not sure you're seeing the situation clearly. I think your nephew's reasoning for not visiting his uncle at this time is valid. It would only be upsetting for him, and wouldn't help your brother at all.

One of the worst moments of my life was when I was forced to see my mother in the Capel of Rest in her coffin; it haunts me. I hadn’t been allowed to see her in hospital and I was horrified to see the ‘thing’ she had become.

Dying and death are very personal. Please don’t judge.