Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

Exactly!
I’ve seen this first hand it was horrible… a friend passed away in the hospice and had very few visits from his own wife, only one visit from 34 year old son in months and very few visits from 30 year old daughter. Yes it is hard to see our loved ones in that state but what is the option? Leave them to die alone? Give the hard jobs to someone else?
I do think we already have a generation or two of very unresilient, immature and selfish adults who behave like children

Is this a decision the nephew's parents have made on his behalf? Or is this the nephew's decision, and his Mum is passing on a message? If his parents have made the decision, without discussing it with their son, that's wrong. If the nephew has made his own decision, and his Mum is merely the messenger, then you have to accept his choice, even if you don't agree with it. A 22 year old, isn't a child, and should be making his own decisions, regardless how difficult they may be. As your brother won't be aware if his nephew visits or not, I think it's better to let the situation go. If your brother had asked to see his nephew, and he was refusing, then that's different.

If he doesn’t want to and your brother won’t know, why would he visit and why would you be upset if he didn’t?! It makes no sense!

I have to say I find it quite shocking how people centre themselves so much...and don't feel any sense of obligation. Just a feeling of I'd be upset so I'm not doing it. I really do think it's a symptom of our society becoming so much more individualistic. It wouldn't even occur to me not to turn up at dying relatives bedside...I would and have felt a strong sense of responsibility to do so.

I definitely think the nephew should visit and I think his parents should be encouraging him rather than protecting him.

We all have to die and it is a real act of kindness to show up when someone is in their final days. We don't know what the dying person is actually aware of or if they might have a lucid moment. And our presence is a support to other relatives at the bedside.

Personally I have always encouraged my children to visit dying relatives. And they haven't been traumatised. Sometimes we have to do something uncomfortable or unpleasant for the sake of someone else.

I missed that part in the OP, admittedly. I visited a friend when she was in late stage dying with a brain tumour. I almost left it too late, and it wasn't clear if she recognised me or not, though I hope so. It was hard seeing her as she was, and there were things that I wasn't prepared for. I'd show up for her 1000 times over though, on the offchance that she might have been having a good enough day to have derived some comfort. The decline often isn't linear.

If it was guaranteed that she wouldn't have recognised me, I'd have still gone for for her family, who I hope took comfort from the fact that she was remembered and loved enough to have been visited while she was still here, and not just at the funeral which is comparatively comfortable. There's an honouring of the person and their family that makes it important to me to visit while they are still here*, as well as turn up to the funeral, though I appreciate that nobody is compelled to feel the same way I do. Everybody shows up to be supportive to the family at the funeral, but in a way that's often the time that they least need a quiet word and a hand hold.

*as long as it's not going to cause distress or a nuisance.

So in answer to your question, I'd show up if I were that young man if I felt that it would be any comfort at all to anybody who was closer to the situation than I was. Not wanting to show up and the only reason for not wanting to do being because it wouldn't be a pleasant experience for you, that's not good enough in my book. You show up and you do the hard things sometimes, because somebody other than you may feel the benefit.

This is not for you to police, nor have a say in. Stay out of it.

When my father was dying (painfully from pancreatic cancer) he was surrounded by his grandchildren and the MacMillan nurses told us hearing and touch are the last senses to go. Someone should be there to hold his hand.

Is a relative there to hold his hand sometimes?

I was a hospice nurse,it is very common that relatives cannot cope with visiting their loved ones at the end of life.My own sister in law was unable to visit our mother in law.
It isn’t any of your business either.Your nephew needs to be left to grieve in his own way.

It’s not an hour. The memory of watching someone you care for pass away, is lifelong.

It’s a horrendous experience and only those who feel able to do it, or want to, should. I wouldn’t ask someone to be at my deathbed if for any reason they’d prefer not to.

My SIL brought her two children to visit my unconscious, dying FIL. They were 13 and 9. I vividly remember her saying “Say goodbye to grandad” as they were leaving. Not realising she meant forever, the youngest said “BYE GRANDAD!” Like he was just going to the shop.

Savage. And absolutely unnecessary IMO.

For those who understand it, seeing death and the lead up can be a traumatic experience. It should be optional.

But the brother won't know if he visits or not. So who would he be visiting for? OP?
It's horrible watching someone die, and it's also very normal to feel angry at anything and everything around you. It's displacement. So I understand completely the OPs feelings, but I disagree with her because there is no benefit to be had by her brother. And that is the only person this should be about.

I'm very sorry to hear about your brother. You are going through a horrendous time and I hope things go as smoothly as possible.

However, I don't think you should judge the nephew here, and/or his parents. Everyone deals with this sort of thing differently. For some people it is important to be there come what may, they would regret not being, and that's fine. Others wouldn't cope with it and prefer to remember the dying person as they used to be when vibrant and full of life. That's valid too.

Thoughts are with you at this very hard time.

I agree. You go, sometimes not for the person who doesn't remember you, but for yourself and the family members left to support.
At 22 years old you'd expect he's grown enough to manage some discomfort. No wonder people feel so alone and unsupported.

You are being very unreasonable. My uncle is in a hospice with dementia, I won't see him before he dies. I have no need or desire to, he won't know, and I would rather remember him when he was well. I'm a big, grown up 43 and I know I don't want to put myself through that. There's absolutely no need.

Certain I'll get flamed for this, but I've judged people for not wanting to visit an elderly dog who was due to be euthanised, let alone a human! I've privately judged people for not visiting dying friends and relatives too, and I hope that when my time comes people come to visit me without being stopped by the fear that they'll have an unpleasant last memory.

When somebody is dying you show up for them, if they'd like to see you. It's a value I hold very strongly. In the lead up to their death, their needs matter more than yours. Maybe it's a pet owner thing, or a resilience thing, or maybe it's just a being-a-middle-aged-woman-I-have-a-fair-bit-of-life-experience-as-well-as-empathy thing.

I'm sorry, OP. Even though there is nothing you can or should try to do about it, your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable IMO.

Hospices are wonderful places. People who have never been to one envisage that it's awful, which it isn't. I think you need to leave it for the nephew and his parents to decide.

Hospices are wonderful places. People who have never been to one envisage that it's awful, which it isn't. I think you need to leave it for the nephew and his parents to decide.

Does the nephew know what his parents have said to you? They may have told him a slightly different story, that he shouldn't visit, or his Uncle doesn't want visitors, if they think it might be upsetting for their son.

It wouldn't be for us to despise you, would it? Did the other parent have someone there?

You and your community would despise me then. I was there when a parent had a chaotic and uncontrollably painful death and I chose to not see the other parent die a few years later. Oh well!

Personally, I would absolutely hate for people to visit me in such a vulnerable state.

"To be fair…if I was dying I wouldn’t want people to come and see me if it meant them feeling upset. "

That's very selfless of you. I think I'd be quite shocked at people who think they are more upset than me if I was dying and who cannot stand being upset for an hour of their lives.

I'm so sorry OP, this must be so hard. Personally I do tend to agree with you. Your nephew is a grown man, not a child, and sometimes we really do have to do things that make us uncomfortable

But for whose benefit would he be doing it? The OP says her brother won’t know that he’s there, so it won’t be for his benefit.

"surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life."

Yes

"My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not."

So in this case, there's no point trying to persuade him to visit anyway, is there?