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Original poster

Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

315 replies

FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:17

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 27/08/2025 16:51

Lots of people here being quick to tell everyone what great, kind people they are for their death bed visits.

But turning up at the death bed of someone who doesn't even know you are there (which the OP says is sadly the case for her brother) is very much about the feelings of the visitor, not the feelings of the dying person. It's not altruistic - it's to make the visitor feel better/less guilty, that's all, as it achieves nothing for the patient if they are oblivious of the visit.

If someone is conscious and lonely and you were close and they're asking for you, that's different of course. Go and see them if you can. But turning up for the sake of turning up to look at someone who doesn't know you are there while they're dying, is really just so you can have your own closure or tell yourself that you're a good person for doing your 'duty'.

Also, bear in mind that not everyone actually wants visitors when they're dying. Plenty of people (both my grandfathers, for example) actively want to be left alone with their thoughts. My grandads were both lovely, kind, family men who adored us all, but when they were dying, they were quite clear on just wanting to be left alone with their own thoughts. Of course, some people are frightened and want family around them - but not everyone does.

Original poster
FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 16:50

Thank you to all those who have responded.

A great many of you have made thoughtful and intelligent posts that have made me think.

A few have been unforgivably rude; I was expecting that!

I do have one point to make. I do disagree with those saying that there is no point as my brother will not be aware. I do still feel there would be value in the family coming together to support his wife and show they care.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 27/08/2025 16:48

Making someone visit a terminally ill relative when they don’t want to is beyond cruel. Whether you’re 22 or 52 it’s a lot to cope with. He’s only 22 and probably has no idea what to say. He’s also only a nephew, not a son.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2025 16:43

It's not really any of your business. Keep out of it.

poetryandwine · 27/08/2025 16:42

I am so sorry for what your family is going through, OP.

As an academic I am very concerned about the fragility of many in this young man’s generation. They’ve had some bad breaks. And yet …..

For the parents to offer this rationale is not impressive. Whether to visit is DN’s choice, and he may not be able to bear it. That’s fine. But he should own the decision.

I do have the impression that some YP could do a lot more than they realise if they were willing to push beyond their comfort zones. And would be happier for it. Whether this is such an opportunity is not clear.

Like PP I have always understood that touch and hearing are the last senses to go. Like other PP I don’t think the British have integrated the rituals of death into the practise of life as well as some other European cultures, and would generally benefit from less squeamishness towards the dying.

(Viewing the body is a different matter IMO - obviously that is of no practical value; although I don’t mind it and see it as respectful, I would never urge anyone to ‘step up)

Take care

WhatAboutTheOtherOne · 27/08/2025 16:29

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 27/08/2025 13:26

I'm very sorry about your brother. I hope the next few weeks are as gentle on him as they can be 💐

I think you're being very unfair here though. You want someone to visit when you know they will find it traumatic when the patient won't even know whether there has been a visit or not. It won't benefit either of them.

This post is spot on. If your uncle is unaware of who is visiting then I agree with the nephew doing what he wants. I think you are being very unfair to be critical of him. In difficult times everyone needs to be as generous and mindful of other people as they can. It’s not the time to judge people. There are lots of things that people do when people are dying and after people die that are based on tradition but times change and more people are comfortable working out what they and their families actually want.

When my Dad was dying in hospital he didn’t want many people to visit, just me and my brother. You might not understand it but my Mum (his wife) didn’t visit and that was what my Dad wanted too. People were surprised and questioned it but, luckily, my Mum and Dad both knew they were doing the right thing. I know it was the right thing too. We’ve never regretted it.

BauhausOfEliott · 27/08/2025 16:28

MrsDoubtfire123 · 27/08/2025 16:17

As an adult I would probably put my own personal feelings of awkwardness aside and visit. It wouldn't be about me , it would be about the person who is dying. Because however I felt, wouldn't even be comparable to how sad and distressing that dying person would be feeling :( however if your brother is not aware of visitors , then I guess it's nephews choice.

Edited

The OP says that in this situation, the hospice patient doesn't have the cognitive function to know whether his nephew visits or not. So the person who is dying won't have any feelings about this at all.

I also think that most people who really are in the very last days of their life are very much focused on their partner and kids, if they're conscious enough to be aware of things at all, and are not keeping a tally of which extended family members have been to their bedside.

chipsticksmammy · 27/08/2025 16:21

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/08/2025 15:18

Hospices are wonderful places. People who have never been to one envisage that it's awful, which it isn't. I think you need to leave it for the nephew and his parents to decide.

Hospices are not wonderful places. The staff are compassionate, yes thats their job.

Its not wonderful to watch someone who's life is ending.

MrsDoubtfire123 · 27/08/2025 16:17

As an adult I would probably put my own personal feelings of awkwardness aside and visit. It wouldn't be about me , it would be about the person who is dying. Because however I felt, wouldn't even be comparable to how sad and distressing that dying person would be feeling :( however if your brother is not aware of visitors , then I guess it's nephews choice.

Grapewrath · 27/08/2025 16:17

Your nephew is allowed to make decisions. It’s nothing to do with you or anyone else.

Theolittle · 27/08/2025 16:15

However many people you have round your death bed you do that journey alone

Comedycook · 27/08/2025 16:14

LillyPJ · 27/08/2025 15:58

But why did you go? If the ill person has no knowledge of it, I can only think that the visit is to make the visitor feel better. If it won't make the visitor feel better, it's a pointless exercise. I genuinely want to know the reason because I can't understand why.

Show quote history

Often to support those relatives who were with them

MyGreyStork · 27/08/2025 16:13

Why is it any of your business? Get off your phone and spend time your dying brother.

Theolittle · 27/08/2025 16:13

I had a close friend who I visited the night before she died and feel very happy that I did. My mum and dad both died alone, although their passing didn’t seem imminent so impossible to plan. I really wouldn’t find it important whether he goes or not, let him make his choice but make sure he knows he can change his mind and would be welcome if he does.

polkadothorse · 27/08/2025 16:12

I’m with you on this,OP. The self centredness of some people is unbelievable.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 27/08/2025 16:11

*edit - double posted for some reason

Catwalking · 27/08/2025 16:11

I don’t want any of my close family to feel they have to be with me if I’m so deteriorated that I don’t even know who is there. This is in complete honesty.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 27/08/2025 16:10

I know for sure that when I'm on my deathbed one of my dc will not be able to handle seeing me, he couldn't come see me for a couple of weeks after I had quite a serious operation even.

There is absolutely no way I would want him traumatised for the rest of his life out of some type of obligation to me. I know I'm important to him and he shows me that all the time, and because he's important to me I don't want him to see me like that if he doesn't want to.

Why would I want someone I love to carry that burden forever?

All this talk of obligation only extends one way, why don't we have an obligation to protect the people who would be traumatised by this kind of visit as well?

MrsDoubtfire123 · 27/08/2025 16:09

So sad OP :(

Ipdipdoodoggyhastheflu · 27/08/2025 16:08

From personal experience, I chose to regularly visit a terminally ill aunt in the last few months of her life. My sibling struggled to see the decline, and chose not to visit. There was no hard feelings on either side, it was a personal decision for us both. Sometimes I struggle coming to terms with what I have seen, sometimes my sibling struggles with guilt for not going. There really is no right and wrong.

Cantbleedingcope · 27/08/2025 16:07

OP I mean this as kindly as possible but YABVU

Through my job I have to visit hospices on a regular basis, both children and adult, and I can honestly say that whilst I stay professional on site, smile and give as much warmth as I can to each person I encounter, I cry after each visit.

I understand why he wouldn’t want to visit. Respect his wishes.

Dangermouse999 · 27/08/2025 16:03

It may be your nephew's choice but being ill and eventually dying are part of life.

Let hope for him that when he's on his deathbed that people go visit him.

I have a close relative who refused to visit my dad even once in the last few years of his life when he had dementia and I've never forgiven her for that.

LillyPJ · 27/08/2025 16:03

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 27/08/2025 15:20

Certain I'll get flamed for this, but I've judged people for not wanting to visit an elderly dog who was due to be euthanised, let alone a human! I've privately judged people for not visiting dying friends and relatives too, and I hope that when my time comes people come to visit me without being stopped by the fear that they'll have an unpleasant last memory.

When somebody is dying you show up for them, if they'd like to see you. It's a value I hold very strongly. In the lead up to their death, their needs matter more than yours. Maybe it's a pet owner thing, or a resilience thing, or maybe it's just a being-a-middle-aged-woman-I-have-a-fair-bit-of-life-experience-as-well-as-empathy thing.

I'm sorry, OP. Even though there is nothing you can or should try to do about it, your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable IMO.

Edited

Yes - show up 'if they'd like to see you' by all means. But if they won't even know you're there, there's no point in going unless it's just to make you feel better about yourself.

chatgptsbestmate · 27/08/2025 15:59

Comedycook · 27/08/2025 15:50

I have to say I find it quite shocking how people centre themselves so much...and don't feel any sense of obligation. Just a feeling of I'd be upset so I'm not doing it. I really do think it's a symptom of our society becoming so much more individualistic. It wouldn't even occur to me not to turn up at dying relatives bedside...I would and have felt a strong sense of responsibility to do so.

But it's not simply a transient upset for an hour, off you go, jobs a good 'un. It's not like that, is it?

Seeing someone who has a few weeks left to live with certain types of diseases can be utterly and totally soul destroying.

It's not the same as paying your final respects to a closed coffin

The sights, sounds and smells can stay with you for years.

Why would anyone choose to put themselves through that unless they felt it was truly important to the dying person?

This shouldn't be about youth bashing

This is about UNDERSTANDING what watching death's grip can feel like.. .for years afterwards

LillyPJ · 27/08/2025 15:58

Comedycook · 27/08/2025 14:16

Maybe going against the grain but I agree with you op. He's an adult...I have sadly lost several relatives...I always (where I could) have visited in those final days ..it is very upsetting but thats no excuse imo not to show up. I will say the memory of their demise gradually fades and you tend to then remember them in their better days. Death is a part of life and sometimes you need to put your family first.

But why did you go? If the ill person has no knowledge of it, I can only think that the visit is to make the visitor feel better. If it won't make the visitor feel better, it's a pointless exercise. I genuinely want to know the reason because I can't understand why.