Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

YABU

I chose not to visit my grandmother in the last year of her life. She would have had no clue who I was, zero recollection of my visiting and I preferred to remember her as she was.

YANBU that a grown man should be able to put his big boy pants on and tolerate some discomfort for the sake of a dying relative.

YABU if you push it in this case as your DB wont know.

Sorry for your situation, it must be very hard for you.

Surely it depends on the situation? I visited a friend, if I hadn't I wouldn't have seen her again. She was conscious, mobile, completely with it - she was still using her mobile and had a laptop and was in contact with loads of people - and we had a chat about old times and our children. She was in the hospice for pain management, not because death was imminent at that point.

I visited my uncle the day before he died. He was barely conscious and didn't open his eyes, couldn't speak... didn't acknowledge me at all during the visit, until I left and stood at the door and said goodbye...he had very little strength but I saw him try to acknowledge me...I told him to conserve his strength and that I saw him. So, yes, how do we really know?

In my 50-odd years, I have visited many people in palliative care, been with some when they took their last breath, and helped to lay out deceased family members. My sister (younger by a couple of years), forced herself to be in the same room as our dad when he was in hospice care, as she felt it was important, but found it so distressing.

Age, gender, generation - none of these things matter; some people find death harder to deal with than others. Sometimes I wonder whether my ease is partly due to the fact that I have no visual memory, and so I can't 'see' someone when I think of them. I don't hold onto the image of them on their death bed...

I think there can often be an obsession about ‘doing the right thing’. DP’s family is like this and they can be extremely judgemental about people who struggle in situations around illness and death. I think we all should accept that everyone is built differently. We went to see our lovely next door neighbour of 25 years in the last few weeks of her life. She knew we were there and, although she was unable to talk, she managed to communicate that she was happy to see us. DP wanted to go back a couple of weeks later, even though we were told that she had deteriorated significantly. I didn’t want to go back and DP didn’t want to go alone. He still feels guilty that he didn’t see her again, whereas I am glad I didn’t because seeing her so close to the end of her life had already brought back distressing memories of my mum, my dad and my sister dying, all in similar circumstances. You can’t climb into another person’s head. You can only take their word for it that they have their own reasons for not doing something. And, respectfully, it’s nobody else’s business.

Everyone is so sure that the ill person won't know whether you or anyone is actually there.

How do we know that? Really?

Sorry for your loss

I also lost my father in a painful way.

You can come together, and support his wife, without needing to be in the room with the ill person.

In times like this it’s important to play to peoples strengths and respect their individual emotions too.

He might be the ideal person to provide practical support. Dog walking, lawn mowing, swinging by and making sure bins are out, laundry and ironing. Someone else might be the ideal person for emotional support and the deep and meaningful chats. Someone else might be the ideal person for the early morning stuff. Someone for the cant sleep at 3am. Someone for being the communicator so that’s not all on his wife. Someone else on square meals so people who are doing a lot of in person time still get properly fed.

Having the night owl dealing with 6am texts, or the cant cook making everyone dinner, or the frail one cutting grass is making life more difficult.

If he drives, he sounds like an ideal chauffeur and errand boy.

Where has OP given any indication that she would force anyone to do anything?

And of course it's about her loss. She is grieving, she is allowed to share that on an anonymous forum without people trying to make her feel bad and tell her that her own brother's death isn't about her.

My nephew didn't visit my Dad in the final weeks of his life. He is 34 yrs old. I absolutely respected and understood his decision. He'd visited his Gramp in hospital before his huge decline towards the end and wanted his last memories of him to be happier than of the shell of a man he would have seen in his deathbed in a nursing home. My Dad wouldn't have wanted him to visit at the end if it was going to upset him so much. Everyone is different and that needs to be respected.

Why?

Everybody is different. That's not too difficult to understand.

I thought his behaviour was very inconsiderate. My mum spent years and years driving backwards and forwards. My uncle could have visited his brother at least once or twice a year. It’s not how close relatives should treat each other.

Yep

I do have one point to make. I do disagree with those saying that there is no point as my brother will not be aware. I do still feel there would be value in the family coming together to support his wife and show they care.

Unfortunately, you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do.

Everyone deals with grief differently. You need to respect and accept that.

People can show they care in many different ways.

Kindly, right now is not about you and what you think “is best for the family”.

I chose not to see my dad after he had deteriorated drastically. I have never once regretted it, and I know he would not have expected it.

I had seen him the day before and that was how I wanted to remember him. He had a stroke an hour or so after I left and the hospital said he was unconscious and it was only a matter of hours before he died.

My sister was the opposite, she wanted to be there with him and she has never (as far as I know) regretted it.

It's not been a matter of contention between us.

your choice.

I would not be able to get past my uncle choosing not to come to see my dad and would have to ignore him from then on. People may be different but they still have to take the consequences of their behaviour.

you don't have to get it. All you have to do is understand that people are different.

My dad's brother refused to visit my dad when he was in a care home getting sicker and sicker because he found it too distressing. I'm not sure how he thought my mum and the rest of us could cope with it, especially my mum who visited twice a week. (She would have visited more often but it was an hour's drive each way). My uncle also did not come to my dad's funeral due to some fairly lame excuse. I don't get it.

Your nephew is respecting his parents' wishes on this issue. Maybe you could try that.

I agree - but personally wouldn’t include all members of the family in that.

I think immediate family (wife, children, parents, siblings + relevant partners) is enough. We wouldn’t ordinarily extend that expectation to those outside of that.

That might be because I’ve got 24 cousins, so if we all turned up at the beside of our dying aunts or uncles we’d be taking over a hospital.

I also think you can support without having to witness it, if you don’t want to. When it comes to my mums time, I know for almost a certainty my brother’s visits and involvement will be minimal. He’s not equipped for that level of difficulty. Genuinely. And none of us would drag him into the room.

But turning up at the death bed of someone who doesn't even know you are there (which the OP says is sadly the case for her brother) is very much about the feelings of the visitor.

But you don't know what he is aware of and not aware of. Even if he isn't aware of who is around and what is going on, hearing and touch are the last senses to go. A few words and holding hands could mean more than you know.

fair comment but we only know what the parents have said......