Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

The death rattle is absolutely awful. I can still hear it in my head when I think of my aunt.

It really isn't.

it leaves a lasting impression seeing someone you love suffering and uncomfortable, in pain, and thankfully unaware of what's happening to them.

i was there because my mum needed me there but I honestly wish I could get these images out of my head. That wasn't my aunt.

in the end, my mum was exhausted and the care home staff told her to go home. And my aunt died a couple of hours later. She wasn't alone as care home staff sat with her, but not surrounded by loved ones either.

its a personal thing to go sit at the bedside of someone who is dying. And if they are unconscious and unaware people are there it's not for their benefit. I would never judge anyone who chose not to. You never know what else is going on in their life etc

Judging by that total lack of empathy, I’m glad you won’t be visiting me on my death bed.

At 22 I think he's old enough to decide for himself. My Dad died in a hospice when I was 25. I had one last visit with him whilst he was still quite lucid, chatted and played him some music. I didn't go in to see him at the very end as I could hear the 'death rattle' breathing from outside the room and I don't think my Dad would have wanted me to see / remember him like that. My brother who lives abroad, didn't visit him in the last couple of years of his life, just came for the funeral. We all handle terminal illness and death in our own ways.

You’d distress your own family members beyond something they feel equipped to cope with, so they could look at you whilst unconscious?

It might be different if you're languishing in hospital, and folk can't be bothered visiting you to offer comfort and support.

I don’t get people saying it’s a ‘duty’. It really isn’t.

Yes, it is. You visit others in need, and you pay your respects at the end. Stop legitimising poor, selfish behaviour.

Every family will be different so it's impossible for anyone to say. I think each situation needs to be judged on it's own merits. I'm not a fan of grief tourism, I mean where people come out of the woodwork who ordinarily wouldn't show an interest in the dying person. I wouldn't want that. But it's important that the immediate family, spouse, children, parents of the dying person have people to support them so wider friends and family might be a comfort to them. It's a tough one.

TBH, I'm surprised how many people think it's OK for the nephew not to visit his dying uncle

I was with my DF when he died. Was it hard? Yes. Does it taint my memory of him when I close my eyes? Yes. Do I regret being there? Not at all. I felt it was a privilege and duty. I wouldn't / couldn't not support him just because I would find it distressing

I was present when my dad passed. It was so hard. My brother would have been unable for it and we didnt tell him until after. Even not been there made him deeply depressed had he been there I think he would have done something to hurt himself after. My uncle come and sat with me for a bit outside he couldnt go into the room which i completly understand. My aunts, another uncle and my husband were there all day and just me and my husband at the end. The living need to do whats best for them. Love someone when they are alive at the end they only need the people who want to be there there.

I was present when my dad passed. It was so hard. My brother would have been unable for it and we didnt tell him until after. Even not been there made him deeply depressed had he been there I think he would have done something to hurt himself after. My uncle come and sat with me for a bit outside he couldnt go into the room which i completly understand. My aunts, another uncle and my husband were there all day and just me and my husband at the end. The living need to do whats best for them. Love someone when they are alive at the end they only need the people who want to be there there.

I sincerely hope that no one who loves me is there to watch me die. And I sincerely hope that no one is forced to come and look at me when I am comatose and fading away because someone else thinks that is the proper thing to do.

I went to see my Mum just after she had died and 25 years later that is the first image I see in my head whenever I think of her (which is almost daily). It has ruined my memory of her.

I wouldn’t either. I love my nephews dearly, and we’re a very close family.

But if either of them didn’t want to be around while I die, that’s fair enough.

They’re welcome if they do. But it’s not a right of passage, it’s not just part of adulthood. It’s awful. And if they decide it’s too awful for them, that’s absolutely fine by me.

I was present when my dad passed. It was so hard. My brother would have been unable for it and we didnt tell him until after. Even not been there made him deeply depressed had he been there I think he would have done something to hurt himself after. My uncle come and sat with me for a bit outside he couldnt go into the room which i completly understand. My aunts, another uncle and my husband were there all day and just me and my husband at the end. The living need to do whats best for them. Love someone when they are alive at the end they only need the people who want to be there there.

Since when was watching your uncle die just part of adulthood.

You talk about it like it’s just putting a wash on, or nipping down the shop for a pint of milk.

This must be very difficult. You said if your brother was aware, he would want his nephew to visit. Do you think he would still want that, even if he know how distressful his nephew would find it? In his shoes, I wouldn't. Of course I would want family to visit but not if it was going to distress them to that level.

My DM died last year. She was unconscious before she died.
I phoned my DB to explain she was dying, he told me he wasn’t coming as it was too difficult.

I texted the DS’s- both in their 20s and though it was 11 at night, the younger immediately said he’d get an Uber and come.
they both arrived early the next morning and we went to h the hospital together.
After she died we went out for a bite to eat and DS cooked a meal for us to eat together that evening.
it was obviously upsetting and unpleasant but we were there and got through it together as a family.

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. I agree with other posters on here, you can’t determine someone else’s feelings in this situation. It may seem upsetting to you that they don’t want to visit but you can’t control others.

No doubt LOADS would disagree with this, but here goes. All this I can't deal with death and dying and illness is really not something a functioning adult should do. I don't know when people started opting out of adulthood. You grow up and you just get on with things that aren't very pleasant. People who opt out of this for REASONS just put the burden on others, but aren't honest enough to say so.

I do disagree with those saying that there is no point as my brother will not be aware. I do still feel there would be value in the family coming together to support his wife and show they care

Though I'm another who'd say it's up to your nephew I very much get the point of that second sentence, but surely he doesn't need to be with his sadly dying uncle in order to show care and support?

If he wanted nothing at all to do with any of them that would be very different, but could he do something like cooking a meal, walking tthe dog or whatever while they're at the hospital so as to make their load a little lighter?

Caring can take many forms and doesn't necessarily have to involve a traditional deathbed scene ...

That's what I was getting at in my earlier post, it's a chance for the wider family to pull together.

I do still feel there would be value in the family coming together to support his wife and show they care.

This is the first time you've mentioned his wife.
I'd say supporting his wife is the most relevant reason to consider coming.

Either to give her a respite if she is trying (for someone) to be there as much as possible, or come to a short visit and go for a walk with her if she would be inclined to go.

However, while the uncle doesn't care, she cares very much, so the visit to show their support to her might need to be orchestrated that the nephew would clearly understand who is he supporting.

Edit:typo

At 22 it's definitely up to your nephew, but it sounds as though his parents have told him what he should do (ie not go). Obviously they're trying to be kind but from experience, it doesn't always help in the long run. My brother did similar with his kids when our mother was towards the end of her life (Alzheimer's). His kids were in their early twenties too and were told not to see her for the same reason, so to just remember her how she was. That meant they didn't see their grandmother for the two years up to her death. I didn't say anything but it did rankle - Mum still had moments of lucidity and would have gained from their visits. Also their Grandfather needed support and not visiting Mum meant they didn't see him either. I took a different tack with my kids so told them it was their choice and totally fine not to see her if they found it upsetting but that she was still Grannie, just very ill. Both decided to keep visiting - they were teenagers back then so early twenties now. We were chatting about it not long ago. My DD has a precious memory of holding my mum's hand towards the very end and Grannie squeezing it back. My son just said she always loved a hug - even when she didn't know him, he could tell it was helping her. He was pleased to be able to give those few moments to her. In contrast, both my niece and nephew have struggled with grief. My nephew in particular feels he didn't have chance to say goodbye and feels guilty. He talks to my DD about it a fair bit. She's told him not to feel guilty, but it's obviously quite a thing for him as he's recently mentioned it to me now too. He says he can't talk to his parents about it. It is a tricky call, but it's definitely your nephew's call to make, not yours or his parents. He might regret it if he doesn't go though. I hope you're okay. It must be tough for you. I hope your brother's as comfortable as he can be.

Yes, absolutely. His wife is there every day, his brother takes over regularly for a few days so she can have a break, and he has a daughter who I assume visits fairly regularly.

I generally only saw him at Christmas and Easter, so not a very close relative but a well loved one.