Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

Exactly. The last thing I want when I’m dying, in my most vulnerable moments, is for people to come and sit by me out of some bizarre sense of duty.

I can’t imagine that anyone dying would want their 22 year old nephew to sit by their bedside and watch them suffer in silence.

I know I wouldn’t. I would want anyone to feel that they need to do anything they don’t feel comfortable

That was your prerogative
That was their prerogative
no right. No wrong.

So many on the thread are saying this.

I don’t understand it: why can you not hold both memories? Death is part of life. There is nothing inherently ugly about it. I do not say that in ignorance.

I would hope that your DM made her wishes known and that they are being abided by. That is by far the most important thing. But I am glad to come from a culture that is more robust in this respect.

This, my DM is in a care home. My adult children have not been to see her since she has deteriorated. Even I find it very hard but I do not expect them to go as I really don't want them to see her like she is now. She was the life and soul of the party before. She is now like an empty shell. I want them to remember how she was.

None of my cousins visited my mother after she went into a care home (she had dementia). When their mum moved into sheltered accommodation near me I made the effort to visit her.

I think it’s fine to avoid situations you find traumatic.

It is nothing to do with you

Nonsense

Nice one @HerecomesMargo , to an OP who is in the middle of losing her brother to a brain tumour, and has already, had you bothered to check the OP’s posts, already acknowledged that different views have helped her change perspective.

YABU.

Who made you the decider of what people should do? He is a grown adult and capable of making his own decisions.
as his parents have explained to you, you should respect that.

So nieces/nephews are being expected to do more because the person does not have DCs of their own? This seems incredibly unfair on them and visiting should be entirely based on how close they were and if the person is up to it.

It is different to non estranged adult DCs.

I lost multiple members of my family as an older teen and young adult (including an uncle to a brain tumour when I was 15) and was honestly deeply traumatized by the experience of seeing them so unlike themselves. My family expected me to visit them, I wasn't given an option not to, and they made no attempt to help me process the experience. If this boy (because 22 is still a boy) doesn't want to go, he should not be pressured by you or anyone else

There is no “should” about it as dependent entirely on the individual’s relationship with relative in question

Yes that's a fair point. If OP's DB had children, yes I'd agree I'd expect them to visit, not necessarily nephews

But I feel nieces and nephews should step up more when there are no children

Your father is rather different. Most people have a fairly close relationship with their own father. Many people barely see their uncles and have little or no real relationship with them. I wouldn't feel a need to visit my dying uncle and don't think any of my cousins came to see my mother in the hospice (which was absolutely fine, we have a perfectly good relationship with them, then sent supportive notes and came to the funeral)

Presumably one of his parents is your sibling OP? I’m guessing you and this sibling aren’t best buddies

My beloved brother dying in hospital

and I’m pissed off with my 22 year old nephew not wanting to visit his uncle who is completely unaware of surroundings (absolutely zero clue to how close they are / were from the op, which would indicate… not very close) ?

No, would never happen

Your focus can be on visiting your brother and I would not judge others if they decide not to do so. There’s no benefit from distressing your nephew further - he will already be grieving his uncle.

I’m so sorry about your brother. It’s an awful time for you all. Don’t take it to mean that your nephew doesn’t care. Those last few days in a hospice are pretty traumatic for everyone involved, and if your brother is genuinely past the point of knowing who’s there I think it’s understandable for your nephew to decide he can’t face it. My heart goes out to you.

How is it selfish to not visit someone who doesn't know that you're visiting? I don't even know what you mean by 'pay your respects' as that depends on the culture you live in. It's better to behave according to reason and the circumstances than to blindly follow what other people say you 'should' do.

@FenderStrat
I'm so sorry you are losing your brother to this horrible illness. I lost my husband the same way, he was 50.

I haven't read everyone's answers and know some have been good and some not so good.

I had a lot of people visit my husband in his last days which were at home. But then they disappeared apart from a few. I also filled the church even to using the upstairs gallery yet so many people never came to see me again and many of them had not bothered with him during the 12 years he was unwell (initially grade 2 tumour which transformed to grade 4)

Some friends weren't around much at the time but they became the best afterwards and I probably appreciated those more than those who came at the time.
One friend brought me a whole load of cook meals and sent me a lovely gift voucher to use on what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary later that year.

My son and daughter were 17 and 19 when he died and my son is still, 13 years later quite traumatised by watching his father die. It may be that at 22 he is scared and 22 is still emotionally young.

Someone mentioned up thread that the nephew could come into his own with different kinds of support in the future.

What I'm saying OP is that I really feel your pain and fully know what you are going through but save your energy for yourself and don't get overinvested in what the nephew is or isn't doing. The effects of your brother's illness will go on for a long time. Don't let yourself be eaten up with resentment.

Wishing you a whole load of support

Leave your nephew alone
His decision