Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

We are raising a nation of man children.
No doubt this specimen is still living at home as a grown man. No wonder the population is collapsing.

So you're another who can't be arsed visiting sick relatives either, then? Just say it plainly, then, and don't beat about the bush.

ps, I have a stepdaughter, and I've been in her life for 18 years. Does that not count?

And what was their relationship like with your father when he wasn’t sick?

You are a man on mumsnet without kids who goes around spouting criticism of any poster that has a different opinion to you

Some amount of mental gymnastics and turd polishing being done here to try and excuse not seeing close relatives at their last moments. Quite impressive, if truth be told, but morally reprehensible.

I would rather have a nephew who couldn’t handle being there, than the ones who can’t be bothered about you then turn up carrying on , because it’s the done thing

I had two close relatives refuse to visit my Dad when he was dying as it was too upsetting for them. This wasn't when he was unconscious, or in his last few days. This was when he was still up and capable of conversation.

Funnily enough, I haven't spoken to those two relatives since his funeral.

Yes, a stepdaughter of 29 who was a constant visitor at her gran's side when she was in the hospice with Stage 4 Cancer until she sadly died in June as was her 19 year old cousin. They wanted to be there, and they saw it as their duty.

Have you got any teens or young adults @LoyalMember ?

It's always all about them and their feelings, though, isn't it?

Bit different to death though, isn’t it.

I'm really not as surprised as I should be with this. After all, we're raising teenagers and twenty somethings that are frightened of speaking on the phone.

In this case OP says her brother wouldn't be aware of the DN's presence

But generally yes I agree with you. Sometimes we should do things that make us feel uncomfortable, out of duty to support other people

Yes that’s the other thing…. The OP has no idea what this 22 yr old is going through himself. What if he is depressed amor suffering a mental health illness that means visiting an unconscious uncle in a hospice may do him no good at all, and his parents know that

Yes but despite being in the middle of losing her brother to a brain tumour, this OP decided to starts an AIBU thread bitching about her 22 year old nephew not wishing to visit his unconscious uncle, and providing scant detail about the relationship between the two. Just that he SHOULD visit because… well, he just SHOULD.

So given the OP started the AIBU thread, I reckon a poster saying hell yes you’re being AIBU is completely reasonable

Ds is 23 and if he found it distressing (wouldn’t be now but a few years ago he was going through some mh issues at Uni) I 100% would tell him not to go. My mother died of a brain tumor and it was horrific for all involved.

Those things are what give us grit and you can never truly appreciate the light if you haven't experienced the dark

So he should do it purely to give himself grit and so he can ‘appreciate the light’? Wouldn’t that be a pretty selfish reason? It would only be for his own benefit.

Do it for who, though? The OP says her brother won’t know the nephew is there. So whose ‘greater good’ is it for?

No it isn't, not at all.

It's no wonder we have a mental health epidemic when no one is expected to be responsible, to do the difficult thing. To face the unpalatable, the unpleasant even the horrifying. To understand one's duty to family, friends and society. To accept that sometimes there is a greater good that comes before personal comfort.

Those things are what give us grit and you can never truly appreciate the light if you haven't experienced the dark.

Tbh if DB is unaware and DN feels scared or uncomfortable I don't see why it matters that he isnt going. If its hard for DN and doesnt make a difference for DB I think just let it go.

I do think it needs to be DNs choice not something his parents decide for him. Same as I dont think its your decision, as to how DN should respond. Saying you know what DB would want, you dont. DB doesnt know what he wants. I cant see DB ever thinking, hed want DN at his bedside even when it was difficult for DN, even when he wouldnt know. I certainly wouldnt want my niece to do that if I wasn't able to even be grateful for her company.

Soft YABU

The dying person hasn’t asked, though, as far as we know, and the OP says he’d have no idea that his nephew was there. Personally I wouldn’t want my nieces and nephews seeing me at my most vulnerable time. In fact this thread has inspired me to request that only my very nearest and dearest be allowed to see me if I’m ever in this situation.

Know and love them in life, support and be there for them in death. It's not much to ask is it?

It's very difficult to hold onto the memories of the person they were when the overriding memory is watching them die a slow agonising death. The person they were isn't in that room.

my gran deteriorated very quickly and was unconscious for 3 days before passing peacefully. That was a very different experience than watching my aunt deteriorating slowly over a number of months. Knowing she was in pain although unconscious. Knowing that every time someone touched her it hurt her. That wasn't a peaceful death, and was traumatic to watch

And I’d feel sad to know my sister was by my bedside judging anyone, let alone my 22 year old nephew who may never have even attended a funeral before, for not doing so

Having witnessed a “bad death,” in that there are good and bad ones, sometimes they definitely are ugly.

Had I not been one of the two people there, the other being my absolutely distraught sister, I’d have left the room. Absolutely no questions asked.