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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

315 replies

FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:17

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

OP posts:
MsSmartShoes · 27/08/2025 13:30

At what point are our kids grown ups? Being an adult is hard and we all have to face situations that we’d rather be shielded from, but that is the reality of life. Are we really doing the next generation any good by dismissing duty and responsibility in preference for bringing up adults who can’t cope in the real world?
I dunno. Maybe there’s a balance?

BettysRoasties · 27/08/2025 13:29

It’s completely the nephew’s choice.

However I understand it. Especially if his uncle won’t know. I’ve seen dying relatives and it really does leave the last image of them
as the main image. When I think of certain family members it’s not the happy fun ones that come first it’s always the sad, laying in a bed end of care shell of their former being sadly.

parietal · 27/08/2025 13:29

If your brother was asking for nephew, your concerns would make sense. But as things are, it doesn’t sound like it will change anything for your brother. I’m sorry.

is anyone supporting you?

Dundonia · 27/08/2025 13:28

Honestly, whilst I’m sorry about your brother, this isn’t really anything to do with you.

If my daughter decided she didn’t want to see her uncle in this condition and my sister randomly started “opining” about that, I’d be less than impressed.

IMissSparkling · 27/08/2025 13:28

It's nothing to do with you. His reasons are fair enough.

CommissarySushi · 27/08/2025 13:28

I would not visit anyone in hospice either, unless it was my mum or siblings.

helpfulperson · 27/08/2025 13:28

I agree that it is his choice not his parents but they just be passing on the message.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2025 13:27

Kindly the way others handle these situations is nothing to do with anyone else and wanting to keep positive memories over an image of the end makes sense to me.

I am very sorry about your brother, concentrate on him and yourself, don't concern yourself with others right now.

Gnossienneno1 · 27/08/2025 13:26

Is the nephew also your nephew or is he your sister in law’s sibling’s child?
If he’s not your nephew and therefore not someone you are likely to see at family functions I think you just have to take a deep breath and let it go - you can’t control how other people handle their family relationships and as you said, your brother is not going to notice his presence or absence anyway. So you can choose to not let the situation play on your mind.
If he is your nephew and you will see him again regularly, then it may be harder to simply let it go and you may feel like pushing your sibling harder to understand this decision. That’s understandable. But before you do, be aware that there may be a reason why your nephew does not want to see your brother beyond just general uneasiness with sickness and death.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 27/08/2025 13:26

I'm very sorry about your brother. I hope the next few weeks are as gentle on him as they can be 💐

I think you're being very unfair here though. You want someone to visit when you know they will find it traumatic when the patient won't even know whether there has been a visit or not. It won't benefit either of them.

StillFeelingTired · 27/08/2025 13:26

Agree there may be reasons you are not privy to. And kindly- you don’t get to decide what relationship they have. I will never ever see an aunt I gave. My mother does not understand it and I won’t tell her. She sometimes expresses anger and dismay at my decision but that has been made with deliberate intent.

Cosyblankets · 27/08/2025 13:26

It's not for anyone else to decide
It's up to the nephew
Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Rallentanda · 27/08/2025 13:24

I am so sorry about your brother, that is very hard.

TBH this is what I would say if one of my children were to be really distressed by the idea of visiting a relative in a hospice. I would protect them and be the go-between.

MissMoneyFairy · 27/08/2025 13:23

Sorry about your brother but don't get angry, there could be reasons his nephew doesn't wish to visit.

TotallyAddictedToCoffee · 27/08/2025 13:22

Kindly, you are being massively unreasonable.

Your nephew doesn't have to visit if he finds it distressing - especially if your brother wouldn't know either way.

I didn't visit my FIL (who I'd known all my life) when he was dying as it was too upsetting for me - DH and his family totally understood and it wasn't an issue.

Let your nephew remember his uncle as he was, if that's what he wants to do.