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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

315 replies

FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:17

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

OP posts:
cattykinns · 27/08/2025 13:55

I think you should concentrate on being with your brother in his final moments.

Lucysstuff · 27/08/2025 13:54

The very fact that this is what you’re stewing about as your brother lies dying is gob smacking in itself

let alone the content of the thread itself

PremiumMoon · 27/08/2025 13:54

I'm so sorry about your brother.

My son is 22 and I would be surprised if my son avoided seeing my brother (who is also married but no children) under these circumstances. For his parents to make a decision like this for an adult under normal circumatances it is overstepping/poor parenting (imo) but there may be circumstances you are unaware of (poor mental health etc) and he may need this level of parental
involvement/protection.

However, the important thing is that your brother will be unaware of this - he is all that matters right now and it makes no difference to him. Please don't dwell on this you've got enough to cope with.

Lucysstuff · 27/08/2025 13:54

This reply has been deleted

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TheFairyCaravan · 27/08/2025 13:49

YAB massively unreasonable.

DFIlL died, at home, in January after a short stay in hospital. DS1 couldn’t go to see him at either places, despite being a fully grown 30yo man who serves in the army. He didn’t want to remember his beloved grandpa lying in a hospital bed, he wanted to remember him in his chair, in his living room on the last day he saw him. He wasn’t the only grandchild not to go, and we all respected their wishes. As it happened DS2 was the only grandchild there when he died, with the rest of us, but DS2 is a nurse so sees death all the time.

DFIL was a much adored grandpa, who went to see him in his final days didn’t change that.

ThirstyMeeples · 27/08/2025 13:47

We had similar when my grandma had advanced dementia and was end of life. My cousin (25yo male) said he found it too upsetting to see her that way.
I do get it and I know everyone reacts differently but I also kind of felt that someone has to step up and be with her. None of us enjoyed it or didn’t find it upsetting but we all managed to dig deep and get through it.
I found it quite avoidant and a bit self centered to be honest. Imagine if the whole family decided it was too upsetting and no one advocated for or stayed with the dying person.
I don’t know…. Just my thoughts. I love my cousin and know he found it hard but not sure it was any easier for the rest of us.
I get why you feel the way you do OP.
I also understand that other people have previous bad experiences/ life shit going on meaning they don’t have the emotional range to cope. But I also think, all things being equal, most adults should try to step up to the plate and do their bit as it makes it easier on the other relatives.
Hope you’re okay

smallslyfox · 27/08/2025 13:47

I think this is the kind of thing that leads to people being slow to mature. What about it he was 28, or 35. or 50? No-one likes visiting someone in hospice but it's what you do for loved ones. That being said, I wouldn't force nephew or voice my opinion but I would have a very strong silent opinion. If he can't do it he can't do it but I'd wonder about his resilience and maturity levels.

Are you British OP? I find this kind of thing is viewed so differently in Britain, I'm Irish and a 22 year old man would be fully expected to visit (and probably wouldn't mind doing so as we normalise death and dead bodies from a young age and we're not collectively disturbed from it).

The one thing I would seek to clarify is if nephew is fully aware that uncle will die very soon.

Lastly I'm very sorry to hear about your dear brother and I hope you manage to get through the next few weeks and have support to lean on.

MeganM3 · 27/08/2025 13:45

Agree with you OP. Family should be visiting at this time if they can, and that includes nephews unless there’s some big back story.

Meadowfinch · 27/08/2025 13:45

I'm sorry for your brother's situation. However, a grown man (aged 22) is entitled to make his own decisions.

If your poorly brother's level of awareness is such that he won't recognise his nephew is there, then I don't see the point in distressing a 22yo when it benefits no-one.

luckylavender · 27/08/2025 13:44

It’s really not your business. You can’t police people

Ddakji · 27/08/2025 13:44

I’m so sorry about your brother.

You’ve said that your brother won’t know if your nephew is there or not.

But your nephew will remember his uncle as he is now.

I agree that this should be his decision to make and I can’t see from your post if this is his parents deciding for him or relaying to you his decision.

Either way, you don’t get a say.

Don’t allow this to sully your final days with your brother.

Wishing you all the very best x

TheSoapyFrog · 27/08/2025 13:42

I've said YANBU because I read the post as the nephew's parents haven't told him how sick his uncle is in the hospice as they don't want him to visit. Or that they have told nephew, but forbidden him from visiting.

Nephew should have all the information and make a decision by himself as to whether he wants to visit. But if he does know, then there isn't really anything more you can, or should, do.

Original poster
FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:41

Thank you all for your replies. They have helped to give me the perspective on the situation that I needed.

OP posts:
IfWeMakeItThroughTheEyeOfTheStorm · 27/08/2025 13:40

Presumably this is your nephews decision, just his parents have voiced it to you. If he wanted to visit, he could. Leave him alone, he’s an adult and has made his choice. You have said his uncle wouldn’t have a clue anyway due to his health.

Moonlightfrog · 27/08/2025 13:40

To be fair…if I was dying I wouldn’t want people to come and see me if it meant them feeling upset. Some people just really struggle with hospitals and death…..my brother is one of these people and has avoided several similar situations when a family member has been dying, i on the other hand would want to visit. I have no bad feelings for those that can’t deal with illness and death, we all handle things differently.

CreepyCoupe · 27/08/2025 13:39

You are being hugely unreasonable. Respect your nephew’s wishes to not see his uncle who won’t even know one way or another.

Don’t make this about your expectations or what you think is right.

I’d hate to think of extended family gathering around my death bed. It’s a personal choice.

Cynic17 · 27/08/2025 13:39

OP, it's not really any of your business who visits your brother.
However, neither is it your nephew's parents business either - if they are holding back information from an adult because they "think he'll be upset", then that's pretty poor but, again, it's their family dynamic not yours.

Let's face it, a person dying in a hospice deserves peace and quiet, and to be cared for by competent professionals. The last thing they need is a potential stream of visitors.

Newgirls · 27/08/2025 13:38

We don’t get to control others, only our reactions to them

it sounds like you could be projecting your own grief onto how others are behaving. Yes it would be nice if he went but sounds like your poor brother won’t mind or know so don’t let it distress you

tigger1001 · 27/08/2025 13:37

I watched my aunt die earlier this year. Out of obligation, and to support my mum. My aunt wasn't aware I was there, however the horrific situation will stay with me and very much would rather have the memories of my aunt as she was, not how she died. I can understand your nephews point and think it's nothing to do with you.

Faceonthewrongfoot · 27/08/2025 13:36

I say this as kindly as possible, but what would he be visiting for? If your brother won't be aware, then it's not for his benefit. And if the nephew would prefer not to see his uncle's deteriorated condition then it wouldn't be for his benefit either.

EmpressaurusKitty · 27/08/2025 13:36

Some adult relations didn’t visit my mum when she was dying of cancer, & didn’t come to her funeral, because they were ‘too upset.’

I had some very strong opinions on that but didn’t comment because what’s the point? In the last days we weren’t even sure if she knew us a lot of the time.

GrumpyInsomniac · 27/08/2025 13:35

I think this is a decision for the nephew to make for himself. I would criticise his parents if they didn’t inform him of the situation so he could decide what to do, but if the nephew chooses to not visit for the reason his parents have given, that’s valid and not your call to either make or criticise.

People handle grief in their own way, and trying to prescribe how people behave in a given situation isn’t helpful. Especially when someone has reached that stage in hospice and they start withdrawing food and fluids to allow things to take their course more swiftly, the person is far from looking like themselves and cannot interact. It’s hard to see no matter how old you are, and I wouldn’t blame anyone for feeling that they want to keep the image of the healthier person as their last memory.

When my stepdad died, I visited him in the hospice both with Mum and on my own. I wasn’t sure whether he could hear anything, or how aware he was of his surroundings, and it was hard. So hard. I choose not to remember him that way, because who he was in life was more vibrant, funny and also caring and wise. But for a long time, that image of him in the hospice was hard to suppress. And at that point I was 50 and it wasn’t my first time seeing someone decline and die. I did it for him and for the sake of the relationship we had, but I was also mature enough to understand why that mattered to me and why it would have felt wrong to me not to go.

You must deal with things the way you need to for you, but ask yourself whether your annoyance at this decision to not have the nephew see your brother is actually justified, or misplaced frustration and grief at your loss. Make sure you have the support you need to handle this as best you can, and leave others to find their own way to cope. There is no one right way to handle grief and loss. And my condolences that you are having to go through this awful time 💐

middleagedandinarage · 27/08/2025 13:33

Sorry about your brother OP but honestly if your brother isn't going to know either way why are you even letting this stress you out!
Agree it should be up to your nephew and not his parents at that age though but also see why they would want to shield him from that. I made the decision not to see my grandmother on her death bed (I was 34) because I wanted to remember her in good health and she wouldn't of known if I was there anyway, going to see her wouldn't of benefited me or her and my family didn't even question that.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/08/2025 13:33

It sounds like a very upsetting situation for you all, and it is perhaps not surprising that you're getting upset about stuff like this.

But really, there is no obligation on your nephew to visit if he doesn't want to, particularly as your brother won't be aware of it either way. Of course, it should be the nephew's decision and not his parents', but perhaps he has told them that he isn't up to it for whatever reason. They don't necessarily have to discuss the reasons with you.

Try to step back from this and focus on your own feelings about losing your brother. We all cope with loss, illness and grief differently, and there may be stuff going on for your nephew that you don't know about. Now isn't the time for petty family arguments - you will need to support each other as best you can and understand that everyone's coping strategies are different.

SleeplessInWherever · 27/08/2025 13:32

I’ve witnessed two people on end of life, and the end of their life - I don’t blame your nephew.

I can completely understand why for some people, it would be too much to even attempt.

I have never visited anyone in the chapel of rest before their funeral, I find the idea far too upsetting and wouldn’t want to see someone I cared for, deceased. It’s hard enough seeing them on end of life.

I think 22 is actually awfully young to have that experience. I was 26 with my grandma and 30 with my FIL, and I’ll never forget either experience.

If he doesn’t want to face it, I think that’s up to him.