Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

People behave in strange ways around death. When my DSD had days his DSIS didn’t want to come. Another relative didn’t come to funeral because they don’t like them apparently.

I think you just have to leave it though. People have to decide themselves

She's not the arsehole here.

Well you're wrong.

I agree with this. If the parents have made this decision then they aren't setting up their adult offspring up for adulthood.

I bet they wouldn't be too distressed to attend a will reading if there is an estate.

Well I think the OP 🤷‍♀️ obviously

Kindly, I think you are being unreasonable. Hospice visits are not for everyone, I went to visit my friend, considering myself to be reasonably well prepared for the inevitable. I literally broke down in reception, the sheer enormity of the situation hit me in a way I never expected. If your brother will not know either way who is present then it serves no purpose for people who will find it traumatic to visit. Life is full of hard things I agree, so don't go looking for extra unnecessary hard things.

I do hope that the next few weeks are as gentle as they can be and you can find some peace.

You see I dont see this Op at all being “kind”

basically calling this young man is pathetic and essentially he should man-up

Op is asking anonomously to gather opinions because her mind is all over the place just now, and most of us can't think rationally at times like that

You are being unkind to someone going through hell just to give yourself a little online thrill knowing you've made someone's day worse.

Which one of you is being the real arsehole here?

You’re right. He’s an adult. He gets to choose.

It’s perfectly reasonable to choose to make your last encounter with someone a positive one of them as themself. Rather than them changed by the illness that is killing them.

It’s also perfectly reasonable to choose to visit lots and be physically there with them through that part of their life journey.

The only ‘wrong’ is leaving someone with cognitive function and who wants company, alone.

To you it feels like care and respect and saying good bye. To another it may feel like disrespect to intrude on them when they’re not in control, like it’s corrupting the impression they’ve left on your life with the one of their body failing, and that the person they would have said goodbye to has already gone.

Neither is wrong. Unless they start judging the other.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

you don’t “know” this at all

quite possibly he doesn’t want his 22 year old to see him like that. Many don’t wish to have visitors whilst in end of life care.

Wow, some PPs being pretty rude to the OP - her brother is dying, maybe a bit of kindness wouldn’t go amiss?

OP - so sorry to hear about your brother’s illness. As he won’t be aware of his nephew not visiting, I would try and put it out of your mind.

If your brother won't know either way, I can't see how the nephew visiting would be necessary or helpful. I suppose it might help you feel supported in some way but it's no good forcing someone to visit if they don't want to for whatever reason.

I think you are right that the nephew should decide for himself, so if his parents really are making the decision for him then YANBU. On the other hand, if his parents know that he would prefer to go and are essentially just supporting him, then YABU. You say that your brother will not know whether he is there or not.

we have bugger all idea how close this 22 year old was to his uncle
And the brother hasn’t expressed any desire whatsoever to have his nephew visit
just leave him alone fgs
we all do things differently during these times and the key is not to bitch about it

I am pretty sure the parents are trying to protect their son by being the ones to inform the family that there will be no visits. If the nephew wanted to visit, he would.

It sounds like the nephew was not that close to the uncle, so why have the distress of seeing someone who, frankly, has no idea you are there? I understand that closer relatives will make the effort.

Have some compassion, op is grieving and probably feels unsupported, in these moments it is entirely normal to distract yourself with small issues, it's the brain protecting itself or transfering the anger in their grief to someone or something else.

We have NO idea whether he was close to the brother

He’s 22. Quite likely first time that anyone in his family is dying and he’s said to his folks he doesn’t want to visit.

and here we have the sister on mumsnet whinging about it and basically calling him pathetic

No, you're posts speak volumes.

While my daughter was in hospital dying I focused on things that were really trivial because my brain couldn't handle the magnitude of what was happening. Its very common.

The fact you're choosing to be unkind to someone going through absolute hell right now says more about you than anything else.

@Lucysstuff

The OP says:
"surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life."

If you think this is bitching you have lived quite a sheltered existence.

I find this kind of thing is viewed so differently in Britain, I'm Irish and a 22 year old man would be fully expected to visit

I’m English but my parents were Irish. My dad died 3 years ago and only one of his six grandchildren (all adults ranging from 19 to 38) decided to see him in hospital in his last days. He was only in hospital for a week, so 5 of the 6 didn’t see him at all. They were all very close, but there was absolutely no expectation for them to visit. He was not conscious so it was meaningless in my opinion. One of my sons was the one who did visit, and he found it very upsetting, his grandad didn’t know he was there, and it offered no comfort to anyone.

I spent 9 years regularly visiting grandparents with dementia in nursing homes. It didn't occur to me to refuse. No one wants to see a relative dying, but otherwise it would have all been on my parent and it felt important to support them and share the load.

I'm sorry for you OP. It's very difficult to sit hour after hour waiting for the inevitable, with nothing to do but ponder over things.

I stand by my opinion

at this time, about to lose her brother, starting a thread bitching about her nephew

unfathomable and speaks volumes

If your brother were aware and wanted to see your nephew then I wouldn’t be impressed that they didn’t visit but that is not the situation.

I suspect the parents are just taking the heat and its nephew that doesn’t want to go. To be fair, I was there in my mum’s final days and it was hideous and actually quite private, I’m not sure it is a moment for wider family.

Best wishes to you though OP, it must be a very distressing time.

That's a horrible thing to say.

The OP has clearly stated that they're asking for other perspectives.

My aunt is currently in hospital, it’s likely she won’t come out. She has dementia, and is now suffering from pneumonia. She weighs less than 5 stone and is barely conscious. Even if she was conscious when visiting, the dementia means she doesn’t recognise me.
I am not planning to visit. There is nothing for any of us to gain from my visiting her. She won’t know I’m there if I do.
I’m 40.