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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

315 replies

FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:17

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

OP posts:
LoyalMember · 27/08/2025 14:33

godmum56 · 27/08/2025 14:28

that's an unkind and unwarranted thing to say.

Show quote history

It might well be unkind, but I suspect it's true.

Iwasphotoframed · 27/08/2025 14:33

LoyalMember · 27/08/2025 14:30

Him not being conscious only excuses you. You should've seen him in his last moments.

Edited
Show quote history

Wow you just said that about a 17 year old losing their father.

That is really unkind.

BoredZelda · 27/08/2025 14:32

My 55 year old brother found it too distressing to visit my Dad in hospital after he had a heart attack. He went only once. My sister kept my 25 year old nephew away for the same reason.

It isn’t up to you who gets to decide who visits your brother.

Womblingmerrily · 27/08/2025 14:31

Absolutely nothing to do with you.

You make your decisions. Other people make theirs.

Offherrockingchair · 27/08/2025 14:31

YANBU OP, at all! We can’t all give up on those who are ill, unwell or dying. How cruel! I’ll always remember my uncle saying he couldn’t cope when my grandmother was dying and he didn’t like hospitals. Well, tough luck! As teens, me and siblings had to step up and deal with the Drs as he refused to (DP not around). Went right down in my estimation after that. No one in their right mind enjoys these situations but sometimes, you must deal with them. I’d like to think I’d be there for others in their time of need and they’d want to be there for me.

LoyalMember · 27/08/2025 14:30

Bumply · 27/08/2025 14:28

At 17 I chose not to see my Dad in hospital when he had a brain haemorrhage.

He was only in a few days before dying which was the expected outcome. He wasn’t conscious so there was no chance of final conversation.

I preferred to have better memories of the last time I saw him.

Edited

Him not being conscious only excuses you. You should've seen him in his last moments.

SL2924 · 27/08/2025 14:28

So sorry, OP. A very upsetting diagnosis. Personally I think your nephew’s behaviour is awful. Yes people have to do difficult things sometimes. That’s life. For an adult to behave like this is ridiculous. Will no one bother visiting him if he gets sick in case it’s too upsetting? Honestly sometime I think this generation is fucked.

Bumply · 27/08/2025 14:28

At 17 I chose not to see my Dad in hospital when he had a brain haemorrhage.

He was only in a few days before dying which was the expected outcome. He wasn’t conscious so there was no chance of final conversation.

I preferred to have better memories of the last time I saw him.

godmum56 · 27/08/2025 14:28

LoyalMember · 27/08/2025 14:27

I've seen this before. It sounds like the nephew can't be bothered going to see his uncle, and is abdicating responsibility by hiding behind his parents. He's 22 and all the man he'll ever be.

that's an unkind and unwarranted thing to say.

Bananachimp · 27/08/2025 14:27

Im5 very sorry about your brother. People, clearly, have free will and can make their own decisions. I suppose the fact your bother is unaware of his surroundings it least means he is not upset to not see his nephew....but I think he's being selfish.
My sibling didn't come and see my grandfather as he died in palliative care, he asked for her and she wouldn't come as she didn't want to get upset, she was early 20s and to this day I've not forgiven her for distressing him further. It was upsetting to see him like that but he wanted to say goodbye to his grandchildren.

grumpygrape · 27/08/2025 14:27

FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:41

Thank you all for your replies. They have helped to give me the perspective on the situation that I needed.

Nobody really knows what or how another person feels, whether they give reasons or ‘excuses’, or not. It is no one else’s business.

Do not judge other people by what you do, what you want them to do, what you think you would do in their position or what they actually do.

Every situation is different; every person is different. You do what you think is right for you and let others do what they feel is right for them.

LoyalMember · 27/08/2025 14:27

I've seen this before. It sounds like the nephew can't be bothered going to see his uncle, and is abdicating responsibility by hiding behind his parents. He's 22 and all the man he'll ever be.

HenDoNot · 27/08/2025 14:27

I think your focus is probably best placed on the time you spend with your brother, rather than monitoring who is visiting and who isn't.

everythingthelighttouches · 27/08/2025 14:26

FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:41

Thank you all for your replies. They have helped to give me the perspective on the situation that I needed.

💐

godmum56 · 27/08/2025 14:26

Haven't RTFT but have been in three circumstances where the person who was dying DID NOT want to be visited. They weren't related so it wasn't a family thing. One was still competent enough to be able to express their views and the other two had been clear with their closest relative before they lost consciousness. OP I am sorry for your situation but it is a sitiation where it is genuinely not for you to judge others.

tripleginandtonic · 27/08/2025 14:24

If he won't know him then why are you so eager for his nephew to visit? You're a bit weird OP.

TearsForFears25 · 27/08/2025 14:23

Kindly, you’re not the nephew or the parent so you’ve even less of a say. YABU, leave the nephew and parents alone.

Iwasphotoframed · 27/08/2025 14:22

A family member had all sorts of demands and expectations she tried to make on the rest of her family when another family recently passed.

It was a pattern of controlling and demanding behaviour from her, her typical response to anxious/stressful times is attempting to exert control.

It has left other family members now giving her a really wide berth when she could probably do with being comforted because they are also grieving and unable to deal with her expectations.

Don’t put yourself in that position. You are in a very vulnerable situation losing your lovely brother, attempting to control other people’s behaviour and making demands of them that they are not comfortable with will only isolate you at a time you need support.

CreepyCoupe · 27/08/2025 14:20

MeganM3 · 27/08/2025 13:45

Agree with you OP. Family should be visiting at this time if they can, and that includes nephews unless there’s some big back story.

I disagree.

There’s no ‘should’ applicable in these situations. It’s not something dictated by ancient protocol.

KiteFlight · 27/08/2025 14:19

I think everyone is different when it comes to death. If your brother won’t know either way then I can see why the nephew doesn’t want to visit (I would assume parents are speaking on their son’s behalf). Not everybody can cope with situations like that.

Im sorry your family are going through this.

Wallabyone · 27/08/2025 14:16

I’m so sorry x

My auntie was in a hospice for a while-I was 30 with a child of my own, but I didn’t go. I had spent time with her before and said my goodbyes then, I didn’t want to see her at the end. My parents understood x

Comedycook · 27/08/2025 14:16

Maybe going against the grain but I agree with you op. He's an adult...I have sadly lost several relatives...I always (where I could) have visited in those final days ..it is very upsetting but thats no excuse imo not to show up. I will say the memory of their demise gradually fades and you tend to then remember them in their better days. Death is a part of life and sometimes you need to put your family first.

LillyPJ · 27/08/2025 14:14

MeganM3 · 27/08/2025 13:45

Agree with you OP. Family should be visiting at this time if they can, and that includes nephews unless there’s some big back story.

But why should they? Especially if the ill person won't know if they're there or not? Some people would prefer people not to visit them, especially if it's going to upset the visitors. Not all families are close. Not all people are alike.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/08/2025 14:14

Faceonthewrongfoot · 27/08/2025 13:36

I say this as kindly as possible, but what would he be visiting for? If your brother won't be aware, then it's not for his benefit. And if the nephew would prefer not to see his uncle's deteriorated condition then it wouldn't be for his benefit either.

I agree with this, I’m really sorry about your brother op. I was like this with my mum - she had no idea who I was or if I was there, so I didn’t visit as I found it so upsetting. Everyone is different.

Zanatdy · 27/08/2025 14:14

I struggled to understand a few people close to my friend who died in March didn’t visit. Yes it was hard; but so is life and my friend would have definitely visited them. Thankfully many many others did visit. Everyone is different, personally I need to say goodbye, no matter how hard that is. I sat with my friend for hours and hours, including after she died. I would feel the same as you; but i’d have to accept everyone feels differently.