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Original poster

Son moving abroad

42 replies

gunnermartin · 27/08/2025 07:54

My 20 year old son has said from age 10 that he wants to live as an adult in Canada since we visited when he was 10.

He has gone to college to specialise in a trade, learnt another language on the side of this (French) as he wants to live in Canada.

He got a job after college in his trade for his work experience and has saved and saved money.

He has now been approved for a working holiday for a year and has a job lined up etc and they have offered him to leave in December to go over. He has accepted.

I am so excited for him, but I am also terrified. It will also be our first Christmas ever without him. He has made an online friendship base online in Canada in the hopes he would one day get over there so he has people in the area he’s going.

I have fully advocated for him going all the years he has wanted to as if I was his age I would get out of this county as well. Now it’s here I’m having a silent meltdown about the massive change it will be after having him around full time for 20 years but I’m also so excited he’s made it happen with lots of hard work.

Has anyone else’s kids moved far away? Have they had kids? What’s it like being a parent/ grandparent when they’re all in another country. How often do you go over to visit?

I am having a silent meltdown but in front of him I’m being super excited for him 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Im so worried if he needs me over there (which he does a lot over here) we aren’t down the road, but like my husband is saying it will do him well with becoming a proper adult.

OP posts:
Londonnight · 27/08/2025 08:34

My son has lived in Canada for 20 years after marrying a Canadian. He has a fantastic life and great job out there and would never come back to the UK.

I must admit it was very hard at first when he moved, especially then as there was no face time or Skype. We had to make do with expensive phone calls once a week. But seeing how happy he was and is out there makes me happy.
I am extremely proud of him and the life he has made.

They now have children and nowadays we can do video calls which make a huge difference as I can see the children and they see me and we know each other very well.

We try to alternate visiting, I was there this year, and they will come over to the UK next year.

TheNightingalesStarling · 27/08/2025 08:30

Having being the "child" in this situation (not the parent) my tips...

Definitely no surprise visits. Ask when is a good time so they haven't made plans, can get a couple of days of work etc. Don't expect them to be your tour guide while there and understand they have normal life (work, housework, a sports club etc) to still do while you are on holiday.

Facetime, zoom etc are great. But constantly. Remember stuff like WhatsApp still work too (its great now in comparisonto even 10 years ago!) So you can still share the random moments

Its OK to say you miss them but are excited for them.

Don't necessarily tell them this.. but put aside money for emergency flights. Or just to send them if they really hate and feel stuck.

Original poster
gunnermartin · 27/08/2025 08:18

mbosnz · 27/08/2025 08:14

I absolutely empathise and sympathise! My daughter is off to Japan for a year for her degree - she won't be here for her birthday and Christmas. Very much in silent meltdown mode here. . . but I'm proud of her independence and go get 'em spirit, as you are of your son's! For him to stay so focussed and motivated for such a long time, learning another language to further his dream no less, is little short of amazing.

I told someone at work and she mentioned her sons in Dubai and it’s really hard and it’s set me off 🤣

OP posts:
Ilovegerardway · 27/08/2025 08:17

Mine is 22 and is going to Australia. I wont be able to afford to visit, and I know he wont come back (he says he won’t, and to be fair, he wouldn’t be able to afford it setting up a new life). I’m happy for him but I’m sad for me and his younger siblings who adore him.

Even if I could afford to (for me, we could be dream of taking us all), I’m going blind quite rapidly, so it would be difficult.

Original poster
gunnermartin · 27/08/2025 08:16

Lucysstuff · 27/08/2025 08:13

No prob

Do you have any plans to visit?

Not a set plan yet but we will make one. We also have two other kids who are 17 and 14 so just need to navigate if they want to come or how we leave them here with supervision if we just pop out on our own.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 27/08/2025 08:14

I absolutely empathise and sympathise! My daughter is off to Japan for a year for her degree - she won't be here for her birthday and Christmas. Very much in silent meltdown mode here. . . but I'm proud of her independence and go get 'em spirit, as you are of your son's! For him to stay so focussed and motivated for such a long time, learning another language to further his dream no less, is little short of amazing.

Lucysstuff · 27/08/2025 08:13

No prob

Do you have any plans to visit?

Original poster
gunnermartin · 27/08/2025 08:11

Lucysstuff · 27/08/2025 08:09

You do see there’s a middle ground between shit parents saying everyone has to do exactly as I say to “very chilled”

it was just a suggestion to surprise him. Not a suggestion of a power move representing shit parenting!

Show quote history

Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to come across as in I’d taken offence to your comment. I just meant he’s already said he’s going to do it with mates and some unnecessary back story for you because I’m overthinking everything now it’s here 🤣

OP posts:
Lucysstuff · 27/08/2025 08:09

gunnermartin · 27/08/2025 08:06

He has planned to spend it with a couple of other lads he speaks to over there. My husband and I had shit parents so we have never made Christmas a thing where everyone has to do what we say in the house just made it as chill as possible and he is super excited about spending his first one with his mates in a new country so we don’t want to intrude.

Show quote history

You do see there’s a middle ground between shit parents saying everyone has to do exactly as I say to “very chilled”

it was just a suggestion to surprise him. Not a suggestion of a power move representing shit parenting!

AbzMoz · 27/08/2025 08:07

I think your son is a credit to you that he’s delivered on so much of his goal and put himself in a very strong position at such a young age.

Instead of thinking about this as a permanent move, does it help you to think about this as his ‘next’ move. Him building a family might or might not come quickly and might or might not be in Canada, the UK or elsewhere. Don’t stress about that - just think about the 2-3Y plan.

I moved to Asia when I was 22 and was there for close to a decade before returning to UK. In that time I think DH and returned to UK 1-2 times per year, and our parents visited 5 times in total. This was due to their/our priorities, nothing to do with budget. We reframed which times of year were enjoyable - people always panic about Xmas but we always found it expensive and chaotic to visit then (for either party). I’d suggest you propose a visit once he’s settled, in 3-6 months say - and maybe frame it as we have always wanted to see niagara, then we will go on to Toronto (or whatever) so you have a new holiday together too.

The trap I’ve seen a lot of expats fall into is renting a bigger flat for visitors, who invariably come far less frequently than first thought. That can be a lot of budget to save for hotel stays and going away together on mini breaks.

LoudSnoringDog · 27/08/2025 08:06

My son went to Australia to play rugby at 18 for a year. First couple of weeks was hard but technology and social media made it feel like he was more accessible than we anticipated.
I think you have an amazing, focused and driven son!

Original poster
gunnermartin · 27/08/2025 08:06

Lucysstuff · 27/08/2025 08:01

Any chance r you could surprise visit for Christmas?

He has planned to spend it with a couple of other lads he speaks to over there. My husband and I had shit parents so we have never made Christmas a thing where everyone has to do what we say in the house just made it as chill as possible and he is super excited about spending his first one with his mates in a new country so we don’t want to intrude.

OP posts:
TotalMaelstrom · 27/08/2025 08:04

You’ve done your job, OP. You’ve raised a determined young person to independence. Time to let him go and focus on yourself.

Letsbe · 27/08/2025 08:03

Nature gives you all those years of caring desperately than makes you redundant. Not the same but texts and phone calls means they do not feel so far away.

Lucysstuff · 27/08/2025 08:01

Any chance r you could surprise visit for Christmas?

Original poster
gunnermartin · 27/08/2025 07:59

Letsbe · 27/08/2025 07:58

He sounds amazing very focussed. It will be hard but you must be so proud. Can you afford to visit.

Absolutely so proud. We can yes. I have no idea how to navigate it and don’t want to be overbearing but I am also going to miss him so much. The years have crept up so quickly and now it’s happening I’m like 😳

OP posts:
Letsbe · 27/08/2025 07:58

He sounds amazing very focussed. It will be hard but you must be so proud. Can you afford to visit.