Son moving abroad

My boy moved to Toronto 12 years ago. Yes, I was gutted, I did cry a lot and felt bereft - It was soooo hard. But, he has thrived, I love Canada too and I always told him that I didn't own him and he must do what he feels is right for him, not live with guilt over what I would have wanted. I have only just recently told him how much I do miss him but I wouldn't want it to change (unless he wants it). Canada is amazing, feels generally safe, accepting and as my son says, no 'chav' element. People are usually so kind and I have visited many times, even for a long weekend. I also have a very close step son who now lives in China. He has a child now and I think he will stay and possibly move to Hong Kong, so one either side of the planet! Yes, not my first choice but it's not my life. You will always miss him but what would you prefer??? Him staying to please you?? I mean that with kindness.

@gunnermartin given the learning of French (good for him!) I’m assuming he will be in Eastern Canada? It’s a beautiful part of Canada and also much close to us, with a relatively short flight to get there.

A heads-up about Alberta, should he be planning on going there - it’s a very, very different province, politically. My cousin’s son has moved there from the East, and has become fully ‘integrated’ into the politics, and is now a firm supporter of Trump, and believes that Canada should become the 51st US state!

I’m the child in this scenario. I met my French husband at 19 and always planned to move to France. I did so as soon as my master’s degree ended, at 22. I am now 39 and have lived in France and the Netherlands to date. We now have 2 children and don’t foresee us ever returning to the U.K. to live permanently (a 6-month stint in 2020 for work confirmed this!). My parents are retired and visit often, and we visit them too. I’d say we see each other at least every 2 months. There’s social media and video calls in between as well. Obviously you can’t see each other as much with the distance between the U.K. and Canada but keeping in contact shouldn’t be too difficult. Wishing your son all the best!

Good for him. If reform take over the country it will be horrendous. If you love, send him to a decent country where people don't think like morons.

I've a son living abroad. IME Christmas is not the best time to visit unless they're going to be alone otherwise, very busy and expensive. At least it's a country you can visit. If my son gets the job he's after he'll spend 8 months in Iraq.

Having been the child in this situation, I agree with @TheNightingalesStarling. Respect the fact that your child has a life outside, that they will need to work when you visit, and be independent.

My parents’ first visit to me when I was 22 nearly destroyed our relationship, due to my mother’s inability to respect boundaries and understand that I was an adult. They became controlling - my Mum rearranged my entire flat, were critical of my way of life, my friends. They were incapable of doing anything on their own (and these were two extremely well travelled people), and I would come back from work some days to find that they had never left the flat. We got things back onto a better footing just before they left (with several huge rows), and when they visited the next year (when I had moved countries), they were booked on trips and had an itinerary for every day that I wasn’t working, which made life much easier.

My son is at university in Canada. He loves it. I'm not going to say it's not hard but it becomes the new normal quite quickly. The time difference is not that bad and we can usually be in touch quite easily if needed.

I will say that he went with giant stars in his eyes about how this would probably be the start of a wonderful new life in a new place but quite quickly he has realised that nowhere is really that different and everywhere has issues! As I say, he really loves it but it's not the idealised utopia he'd thought it would be so you never know how they're going to respond to somewhere!

Good luck - he sounds brilliant to have made it all happen which will serve him well in life wherever he ends up.

Dear OP,

What an amazing mum you are to have raised a young man able to be so focused and able to achieve what he wants.

On one level this is the great test of a parent - loving them enough to make them able to fly the nest despite that love wishing them close by forever. It’s a paradox.

I think some kind of counseling maybe a bit like grief counseling might be useful. This is a huge loss for you and it needs a new approach to life and a reassessment, maybe, of who you are now and how you move forward.
I have two still at home & don’t want the older one to leave while wanting him to leave when he’s ready.
I still have a strong physical sense of their being small and in my arms and it’s still a wrench at moments, I miss them physically being small.
Motherhood is a very physical thing, they are part of us aren’t they and yet we need to let them go.
All the best to you and I’m sure you will fill your life with new things.

I've been the child and the parent in this scenario, having moved to a different country at age 21. It will be an adjustment for him as well as you, but my biggest advice would be to never make him feel guilty about pursuing his dreams. In private of course you can be sad and miss him like crazy, but make sure he knows that you love him and will always be there for him but that you are managing just fine without him!

Now my child who is in their early 20s lives in a city that's a 3 hour flight away. It's hard but they are making their life there and doing well. It is a lot easier these days than it was when I was that age because at least now you have texts and Facetime. But take your son's lead for how often you communicate. Don't make him feel pressured to constantly be in touch. It is often only every two weeks or so that we get to Facetime with our child, but they are wonderful conversations!

Unlike a PP, I would very much suggest NOT arranging for a surprise visit! I would have hated that and I'm sure my child now would hate it. Instead, get excited together about any visits.

You've done a great job. It's the end of an era for you so understandably you'll be sad about that . My child moved abroad too, best thing that they did. Technology makes life easy. We have a family video call once a week so we are all still connected and we see each other when we can (the thought of it is far worse than the reality honestly)

Well done on raising a confident capable boy!

My son moved to Sweden five years ago and will remain in Europe for the foreseeable future, rather than return to the UK.

We see each other once or twice per year, with chats and videos in between, and it works out well. We have always had a close relationship, but I have just got used to us being far apart - he has his own life and is busy with his career, and I can't be a major part of that, which is more or less as it should be.

It's a wrench when saying goodbye after a visit, of course, but things soon settle down again. As long as he's ok and happy, that's enough for me.

Best of luck to you all!

OP as a Mum who had one son in Vancouver and another in Australia I absolutely get it. We visited Vancouver and I am going to Australia in a few weeks to see my other son.
Son is now back in UK from Vancouver.
Technology is your friend but it doesn’t replace their physical presence and hugs !
I will say it does get easier and just knowing they are happy,healthy and enjoying life makes it ok.
You can do this 💪just drum it in that phone calls and pics will make you a happy Mum.

I’m Canadian and I moved from Canada to the UK for my English husband 10 years ago when I was in my mid twenties. We now have children and I wouldn’t ever move back to Canada (mainly due to cost of living being extortionate there and a much better work/life balance here.) It’s hard being away from family, and it definitely is hard on my mum being so far away. We see each other on WhatsApp video weekly and we all take turns visiting which means the fleeting visits you would have if you lived close turn into longer joint vacations which actually makes the time you share really special.

My point was… he can’t afford it now
but if he stays and progresses, as one would expect given he’s 22, then I’m sure in the future he will visit

Well, what am I supposed to do? I can’t see a time when we will have the money for me to get a return ticket to Australia. My youngest child has only just turned 5 as well, dh has to work. I have other children too.

It breaks my heart but what should I do, guilt trip him? He wants to go and start a new life, he’s got a great opportunity with his work. You don’t really think about your parents when you are young and wanting to create a life for yourself. Spending a lot of money to come back home won’t be his top priority.

Time isn’t on my side with my vision or my health either.

Not quite as far, but my son moved from one end of the country to the other. We still have a regular once-a-week face time session that lasts one to two hours. I say face- time. I say FaceTime, he puts his phone on the table and we just chat to him, so we don’t actually see him, and our phone is pointing towards the dog!

I'm a Brit living in Quebec

Sounds like he's got his head on his shoulders tbh

Where is he headed?

Surely you don’t just accept that you and your son are never going to see one another again?

he may not be able to afford to visit now but as time goes on, I’m sure he’ll be able to?! @Ilovegerardway

All three of mine left the country for university and only one came back! I miss them, of course, but I feel I did my job bringing up responsible, successful adults. They're now all married with children and we see each other when possible. I will admit that my daughters are much better at keeping in touch than my son. Maybe it's just him, but he doesn't go in for regular chatty texts, sending random photos etc. He just doesn't see the need. I've adapted to that too. I lived abroad for many years and my parents never complained. I knew they missed us, especially the children but they cultivated their own busy lives. I was very grateful for their understanding.

My daughter moved to China after uni and is now starting her third year there. It's been the absolute making of her and she's built herself a great life there, one that she wouldn't be able to achieve here doing the same work (sadly). She travels independently all over Asia without batting an eyelid, and has grown into a savvy, confident young woman who I am immeasurably proud of.
I was terrified when she first left but she had to learn to solve problems herself and grew up very quickly. I don't think she'll be back anytime soon, the world is her oyster right now and I can't say I blame her, the UK doesn't make life easy for young people.

He’s 20 and focused. Let him breathe. Do not visit in December - wait until he invites you. Until then continue being the brilliant and supportive parent you are 💐

"Terrified" is a very strong reaction. This young man sounds wonderful - organised, committed, hard-working. He will have an amazing life in Canada and he won't need his parents at all. Which is absolutely how it should be, so congratulations to all concerned (and Christmas is just a day, after all).

That's so lovely! I am the child in this scenario - my husband and I immigrated to Scotland (from the states) just after we got married. We kept telling everyone we were going to move overseas and no one believed it so were slightly shocked. Originally we were on a 3 year work visa but we extended it and eventually got citizenship and had our children here.

It's definitely a challenge in ways you wouldn't expect but at his age it's not exactly a permanent plan yet so I'd just take it a couple years at a time and figure it out as you go. We go back to the states every year or 2 (covid was the worst as we didn't see our parents for 3+ years but surely that was an unusual situation!) and all our parents come over here once a year. Facetime has been an absolute blessing for us - my parents and inlaws read stories to the kids every week and they keep in touch that way. That's actually getting harder now that the kids are older but it has been a good few years of it. Figuring out what to move into now that they're past the story age.

I think it's amazing that your son is this focussed and motivated at 20 - what a wonderful example of sticking to a goal!

He’s done amazingly well for himself and seems very focussed.
I think it will be a big adjustment for you all. It’s good you can afford to visit, or pay for him to come home (cheaper to pay for 1 flight rather than 5).

Firstly and importantly you’ve done a grand job as a parent raising a son who has the confidence to be independent and follow his dreams.
My son went to Australia in 2017 when he was 25 on an 18 month secondment from work and never returned. He’s now got citizenship.
We do miss him, particularly during big family events but take heart that’s he’s happy and doing what he wants to do.
We do go across regularly and he comes here. We probably see each other in person every year or so.
WhatsApp and FaceTime is a life saver. We set up a family WhatsApp group and we just share mundane every day stuff.