Copycat Friend

When she says it’s fun - ask her how. Wait for her response.

This happened to me in high school. My friend was a good friend until I started to notice the copying. Everything I had, she got. Everything I did, she copied. I noticed and people didn’t believe me at first, but then they did and it was embarrassing. I know for her it was very low self esteem.

I had to have a tough conversation with her, told her how it made me feel and I know she wouldn’t want me to feel that way. Then I said how I would help her find some things that suited her. My hair cut did not suit her, but I helped her find one she liked and would suit her. It was a difficult conversation to have, but it paid off. It was either that or ghost her, and I felt she might get hurt either way, but ghosting would be worse.

I totally get this OP and had exactly the same with a friend. I started sending her links of things saying I was planning to buy, holidays I was going to book, hobbies etc then I’d suddenly change my mind or choose daft things.
My friend would always buy the things I mentioned, I sometimes suggested really outlandish things for entertainment like learning yodelling or buying t shirts with Bluey on 😂.

In the end I pulled her on it because she is a really good friend except for this issue, it seems silly but it actually really gets to you.

My friend is autistic and she confessed it was a way of masking, she copies other people so that she feels like she fits in. I told her how much I hated it and loved her for who she is, she now has her own unique individual style totally opposite to me and we are both happier.

There might be a reason your friend does this or it might be simply that she has no mind of her own, I think you need to raise it though before you lose your shit and end up falling out properly.

I’ve had a few friends that have done this and it’s bloody annoying. Outfits to hairstyles to even what I eat. I’ve usually just distanced myself and let the friendships drift, I do have a close friend that has done this, not to same level as yours but she still does it. I figured out the friendship would probably be ruined if I said something and as it’s only sometimes it wasn’t worth it. No advice I’m afraid. But I understand you.

Sounds like she has no genuine identity of her own. Is this the only example of her boundary-stomping? She has married a pissweak man who allows her to continue trying to be you too. That would freak me out completely.

Hi OP.. what's the worst that can happen if you tell her nicely but tell her straight that its bothering you and you'd like her to stop?

You mentioned that she gets highly emotional... it could be that she uses that response to end or put at stop to difficult conversations.

But you know this might happen. What if it did? i've no idea what kind of emotional response you mean, crying or yelling? so its difficult to suggest the right approach but if it was a child, how long could they keep that up for... until they calm down and you can speak again.

Her husband has noticed she does it and it seems to annoy him. perhaps you could say it when he's there?

Maybe it could be said by text so that she have a chance to get the emotional response out of the way and you could ask to call you or meet her for a chat about it?

She responds withcomments like "Its Fun" can you have some prepared phrases up your sleeve to respond to these, like No its not fun for me and I'd like you to stop doing it. and so on. I can imagine when she denies it like that its hard to keep on, but I think you have to. Best of luck.

Reminds me of the film single white female! It would drive me nuts. If she doesn’t stop doing it I’d have to end the friendship. Is she a very close friend?

OP: Fuck that shit! This is what I’d want to do but don’t think I’m quite mean enough to follow it through, but if I was … 😂 … I’d buy a truly hideous garment from a charity shop but not tell her the source. I’d go on about it A LOT, saying I bought two because I know I’ll wear it often so will alternate so as not to wear it out. She’ll beg you to let her have the plus one … generously agree to let her have it as you know have such similar tastes. Intimate that you plan to wear it at a special occasion … I’m cackling here: I wouldn’t actually do it but I’d want to 🤣😇😈😉

At this point I think you need to be really blunt. Tell her that you’re not sharing any more info about things you’re going to wear or have bought and from where etc. Tell her that you are really finding it difficult and have been for some time that she is quite literally copying you and you want it to stop. Say that you know she’ll be upset that you’ve said that but actually she is upsetting you every single time she copies you and enough is enough, you’re having to say this because you hope that the friendship can be saved if she stops doing this. I’d send that first, if you don’t feel able to send something so direct you’re probably going to have to block her on everything. It’s not the sincerest form of flattery, this is crossing the line stalker behaviour and you don’t need to feed it any more. She cannot have your identity, nor do you owe her that just because she’s been in your life a long time. She’s the one who’s caused this problem, it’s not on you to keep on accepting this batshit behaviour from her. She can deny and get upset, but you know the truth of what she’s been doing and she is completely out of order that she’s been doing this for so long. She’s completely walked all over you just to copy you, she hasn’t cared about your feelings, only her own. Tell her straight OP. She’s crossed lines with you for too long.

I agree with @sandyhappypeople and @strawlight

I'd name it, but in a lighthearted way.

Her - oooo, where did you get that?
You - im not going to tell you because it makes me uncomfortable when you copy me.

Then, if/when she does it again, you can do as @FloofyKat suggests
I think doing that first is the nuclear option.

For the sake of your friendship, I'd go softer but straight first. But you HAVE to be straight about how you feel.
Then go nuclear

"If I say anything, she just tells me ‘don’t be daft, no one will think that’ or ‘it’s fun!’.
I’m ready to walk away from her friendship completely."

You say this has gone on for years. Both your DH's have noticed.. and your DH is even telling you to hide things.

I think this behaviour is veering into a sort of stalking. Its obsessive and she needs therapy.

If she asks where did you get that, you have to say something like. I'm not going to tell you because I'm tired of you copying everything I buy and I'd like you to stop.
Its very hard tho.

And also.. see less of her... you've become her hobby and its not getting any better.

This is a tough one, it is odd and I suspect it’s a real lack of confidence thing going on. She sees you as successful and wants the same but is going about it the completely wrong way. It sounds as though you’re going to have to have an honest conversation with her and if the friendship ends then so be it.

Given that you’ve reached the point where you’re considering walking away from the friendship, I think it’s worth being blunt with her. You’ve tried bring subtle and it hasn’t worked.

Say something like… look X, I have enjoyed having you as a friend. But I don’t enjoy you copying me all the time. You have been copying me for years [maybe insert a few examples] , it’s making me feel [insert how it makes you feel] and I can’t cope with it anymore.

You need to work out for yourself what suits you, what you like, what your style is etc. We are all individuals, all different, but you aren’t allowing yourself or me to have our own space.

I’d then say you are going to step back a little from your friendship to give her that space.

Sure, she’s going to be upset, but if you end the friendship completely, she’s also going to be upset. If her friendship is importantly you, what have you got to lose?

Next time she asks where you got it, just laugh and say “I’m not telling you because you’ll go out and buy it”. You can do this lightheartedly without it being confrontational.

She’s your best friend, surely you can tell her the truth? If you don’t think you can I would reconsider how close you want to be. Even if your mums were best friends doesn’t mean you have to be too. I’d pull away from her.

If you are considering ditching the friendship then just have an honest talk to her at a time when you aren't feeling pissed off, then if after that she still does it, feel free to get a little angry/direct with her if she carries on doing it.

I do wonder if people who do this have some sort of issue around wanting to be liked and accepted and that may be where it comes from, it's like the don't have any real identity of their own, so it is safer to copy other people, I don't think they do it to annoy or encroach, but that ends up being the end result.

I think you should give her the chance to recognise it and deal with it, she may not realise just how much it bothers you and think it always gets laughed off, but as her friend she deserves to know the real truth, especially if you are considering dropping the friendship over it.

Every time she asks say something like "from a charity shop/it was a gift/this old thing? I'm going to cut it up for rags".

This sounds creepy and dysfunctional. Why is she doing it? I'm amazed you've put up with it for so long.