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Original poster

Friend said she can see I've gained weight

83 replies

SatOnaHotTinRoof · 26/08/2025 21:10

I was out with a friend the other night and, at the end of our time together, as I got up to leave, she said that she could see I have put on weight. Just out of the blue. We hadn't discussed weight issues, hadn't said a word about trying to lose weight, which we would both like to do. She had bumped into me a few weeks ago and I wondered if I seemed to have gained weight since then, but she said no. She did apologise eventually, but I can't stop thinking about it. I need to get it out of my head, but I keep wondering why she said it. I guess I will never know, but I keep thinking that she wanted me to feel bad about myself. And I had been feeling so good about myself that day and comfortable with what I was wearing etc.

When I initially asked her what made her say it her response was that it was the truth and she said that I must have an issue with my weight if her question upset me. I guess I do have an issue with my weight, but I think i have more of an issue with so-called "friends" who do this kind of thing and expect you just to accept it. She then did the classic thing of saying that it is unhealthy to be overweight. I told her that I had just had blood tests from my GP and that he said they were fine. She is about the same size as me and hasn't had tests from her GP.

I am a couple of stones overweight and am size 12 (which I guess appears more like a 14 when you are short like me).

Am I being unreasonable to think that she was out of order to comment on my weight like that?

OP posts:
limescale · 27/08/2025 08:37

Willoo · 27/08/2025 08:23

Tbh I’d prefer to be told I was putting weight on as I can never see it myself

Don’t your clothes feel more snug.
Anyway, I presume those close to you know that you are happy to be told this so it’s not the same as OP.

kleverklogs · 27/08/2025 08:28

The adult in me suggests you let this friendship fizzle, she’s not a true friend. Taking delight in another’s discomfort is a sign of horrible self-esteem, she’s probably a miserable person if that’s how she gets her kicks.

The bitchy teenager in me suggests that you use this as the fire to fuel your weight loss, make losing that weight your mission, put off seeing her for a while until you know you are thinner than she is. Then say how fantastic you feel, compared to before when you were like she is now, and give her loads of health advice and tips. 😈

If you want to take it to top-level bitchy-ness, invite her out and tell her you have to pre-order (common around Christmas). Encourage her to treat herself. When you meet, you’ll be eating a healthy salad while she tucks into a monster meal. But maybe that’s taking it too far…

Willoo · 27/08/2025 08:23

Tbh I’d prefer to be told I was putting weight on as I can never see it myself

Iwasphotoframed · 27/08/2025 08:20

What people say and do is largely about themselves. Your fried focusing on your weight tells you about her own insecurities that she is projecting onto you.

Try not to take her words personally but her lack of empathy and lack of a filter and lack of ability to take responsibility for her own feelings would probably make me recategorise the level of our friendship downwards. When someone does something like that it reveals a darker part of their personality and we all have dark parts/flaws but if you don’t own your darkness you take it out on others.

Thebigonesgetaway · 27/08/2025 08:12

Surprised at the people who think she was in some way trying to be helpful. My take is you felt good, you looked good, comfortable in your skin, and she wasn’t feeling that about herself, so decided to bring you down a peg or two. However she can’t admit that obviously, that she was being a bitch. Personally I’d pretend to let it go, then see her a couple of times, act fine, and then when she’s least expecting it I’d blurt out, gosh you really are putting on a lot of weight aren’t you. Obviously with the head tilt and concerned look. Then say you thought you should say as she was very clear she’d be good with that, act innocent.

revenge is a dish best served cold.

Ficklebricks · 27/08/2025 08:12

Just reflect her energy back at her.

"I see you've got a new wrinkle on your face today" (or whatever she would find annoying to hear)

Then when she gets offended say "oh it's just the truth, you must be too sensitive".

OleanderBoat · 27/08/2025 08:09

you know that this is about her and not you.

She knew she was being rude yet went ahead. Everybody knows that you do
not comment on someone’s weight.

My life philosophy of not ever commenting on anyone’s weight or asking if they are trying for babies, is one that I wish everyone would adopt.

I would distance yourself from her. This says a lot about her as a person.

Didimum · 27/08/2025 08:07

You don’t need to have weight issues to think someone is a dick for giving you unsolicited comments on your body. Was that meant to be feeble justification?

Original poster
SatOnaHotTinRoof · 27/08/2025 08:06

MyElatedUmberFinch · 27/08/2025 08:03

Is she from a culture where it’s acceptable to make such comments? When I was in China they seemed obsessed with talking about their weight, not eating and not gaining weight.

No.

When I asked her if she would say it to other people she said she wouldn't. But that she said it to me because she knows me (she doesn't have many other friends)

OP posts:
MyElatedUmberFinch · 27/08/2025 08:03

Is she from a culture where it’s acceptable to make such comments? When I was in China they seemed obsessed with talking about their weight, not eating and not gaining weight.

Original poster
SatOnaHotTinRoof · 27/08/2025 08:01

bumbaloo · 27/08/2025 07:57

So she’s always been overweight? Even when you were a size 8?

Show quote history

Yes.

OP posts:
bumbaloo · 27/08/2025 07:58

SatOnaHotTinRoof · 27/08/2025 07:19

A couple of people on here have said that it wouldn't bother them for a friend to say what she did and before this happened I would have said the same thing. I know that I am overweight and someone mentioning it would not have bothered me. But there was something really weird about the way she brought it up. Just as we were parting company, and totally unrelated to anything that we had talked about that afternoon. Several months before I had mentioned in a phone call that I wanted to lose weight (in response to her saying that she was trying to lose weight). Since that phone call she has actually seen me 3 times. So, I was wondering if I had gained weight since the last time she actually saw me. She confirmed that I haven't. So, what she said is very weird.

I guess she meant that I have gained weight compared to where I was a few years ago, when I was very slim, but during that time I have been a carer and have been bereaved, and resorted to comfort eating - which she knows.

I wish I could let it go, but I think that what's going on in my head is that I realise that I don't want to confide in her anymore because I realise that she is not the person to do that with. She is the kind of person who can never give a compliment. That's not what I seek in a friendship. If I was slim she would probably pick on something else.

You start realising patterns of behaviour in others then you think back and realise it’s something they’ve always done. It changes how you feel about them doesn’t it.

we want to celebrate our friends. Not drag them down to make ourselves feel better.

bumbaloo · 27/08/2025 07:57

SatOnaHotTinRoof · 27/08/2025 07:27

It's also interesting that when I was slim she would never mention it. She would talk about other people being "nice and slim" but never say it of me (I was a size 8).

So she’s always been overweight? Even when you were a size 8?

MJMaude · 27/08/2025 07:55

suki1964 · 26/08/2025 21:42

TBH I wish I had friends saying to me when I was piling on the beef

I will admit, I piled it on, and denied it by refusing to be in the moment - not a photo taken of me for 5 years - those that were snapped without my say so - I deleted. Out of sight - I dint have to admit I was too heavy

But Im not you @SatOnaHotTinRoof

If you are happy with your weight then crack on , ignore her comments decide are they worth losing a friendship over or if that's it

Only you know if you are happy and confident how you are, or if your "friend" touched a nerve

Absolute nonsense. The photos you deleted were telling you this and you didn't want to hear it. Your friends raising your weight would have been no better received. The idea that people gaining weight don't know and need to be told is frankly ridiculous.

Original poster
SatOnaHotTinRoof · 27/08/2025 07:45

suki1964 · 26/08/2025 21:42

TBH I wish I had friends saying to me when I was piling on the beef

I will admit, I piled it on, and denied it by refusing to be in the moment - not a photo taken of me for 5 years - those that were snapped without my say so - I deleted. Out of sight - I dint have to admit I was too heavy

But Im not you @SatOnaHotTinRoof

If you are happy with your weight then crack on , ignore her comments decide are they worth losing a friendship over or if that's it

Only you know if you are happy and confident how you are, or if your "friend" touched a nerve

I am interested in this comment, Suki. So, did you know deep down that you were gaining weight but just weren't ready to face it? is that why you would avoid photos?

The day after her comment I went out with a couple of other friends who took pictures of our event. At first I was reluctant to look at them because I feared I would look awful. But when I did look it was fine. I really look ok.

Suki, your post implies that you are in a different place these days. Can you say a bit more about where you are at now? Have you now faced up to being overweight? Are you losing weight?

OP posts:
Musntapplecrumble · 27/08/2025 07:42

O dear, the green-eyed monster is probably to blame here...I bet you looked lovely and she wanted to pop your balloon. 🤗

Original poster
SatOnaHotTinRoof · 27/08/2025 07:27

It's also interesting that when I was slim she would never mention it. She would talk about other people being "nice and slim" but never say it of me (I was a size 8).

OP posts:
Original poster
SatOnaHotTinRoof · 27/08/2025 07:19

A couple of people on here have said that it wouldn't bother them for a friend to say what she did and before this happened I would have said the same thing. I know that I am overweight and someone mentioning it would not have bothered me. But there was something really weird about the way she brought it up. Just as we were parting company, and totally unrelated to anything that we had talked about that afternoon. Several months before I had mentioned in a phone call that I wanted to lose weight (in response to her saying that she was trying to lose weight). Since that phone call she has actually seen me 3 times. So, I was wondering if I had gained weight since the last time she actually saw me. She confirmed that I haven't. So, what she said is very weird.

I guess she meant that I have gained weight compared to where I was a few years ago, when I was very slim, but during that time I have been a carer and have been bereaved, and resorted to comfort eating - which she knows.

I wish I could let it go, but I think that what's going on in my head is that I realise that I don't want to confide in her anymore because I realise that she is not the person to do that with. She is the kind of person who can never give a compliment. That's not what I seek in a friendship. If I was slim she would probably pick on something else.

OP posts:
GreenOtter · 27/08/2025 04:04

Telling someone they put on weight shows a lack of social skills. You don’t have to justify your weight, your feelings or how she made you feel back to her. She sounds like she is getting off on it. I’d shut that down fast. I would re-think the friendship.

I know I have put on a stone and a half since having a baby. I am at my heaviest which is really hard as I used to be fit pre-baby. As if I am not aware of it! So far no one has said anything (as everyone else around me is also busy gaining weight!).

Letsgoroundagainnow · 27/08/2025 03:46

SatOnaHotTinRoof · 26/08/2025 21:22

She said she wouldn't have minded if I had said that to her, but I don't believe her.

Show quote history

Of course she said that, not true though!!

MagnificentMagnolia · 27/08/2025 02:32

I don't think it's too bad for a friend to say something like like this. Can be a wake-upp call. Acquaintances - absolutely not. Didn't like the later addition of gleeful look though. That makes it sound her intentions were not good. Without that I had assumed she wanted you to look your best and hence told you so I thought YABU. Surprised that so many on here think what your friend said was terrible before you mentioned the gleeful expression.

coxesorangepippin · 27/08/2025 02:25

Yeah she's rude

Marchitectmummy · 27/08/2025 02:12

Why do you think your friend wants to upset you? It's a strange thing to expect a friend to be motivated to do. I can't see the point being a friend in these circumstances. Has she said things to hurt you before?

If a friend of mine said something like this I would immediately think it was with good intentions where as it's sparked the opposite in you which makes me wander why.

greengreyblue · 26/08/2025 23:02

HelenaWaiting · 26/08/2025 22:59

This happened to me. I ran into an acquaintance (we're not really friends although I have known her a long time). After a couple of minutes of small talk, she stepped back, looked me up and down and said loudly "My, you HAVE put weight on!" I looked down at my not remotely overweight figure, shook my head and said ruefully, "I know. Every time I fuck your husband he gives me a slice of cake."

Oh no you didn’t! 😂🤣

greengreyblue · 26/08/2025 23:00

Bloody hell op is she normally such a cow?