Friend said she can see I've gained weight

SatOnaHotTinRoof · 2025-08-26T20:10:59+00:00

I was out with a friend the other night and, at the end of our time together, as I got up to leave, she said that she could see I have put on weight. Just out of the blue. We hadn't discussed weight issues, hadn't said a word about trying to lose weight, which we would both like to do. She had bumped into me a few weeks ago and I wondered if I seemed to have gained weight since then, but she said no. She did apologise eventually, but I can't stop thinking about it. I need to get it out of my head, but I keep wondering why she said it. I guess I will never know, but I keep thinking that she wanted me to feel bad about myself. And I had been feeling so good about myself that day and comfortable with what I was wearing etc. When I initially asked her what made her say it her response was that it was the truth and she said that I must have an issue with my weight if her question upset me. I guess I do have an issue with my weight, but I think i have more of an issue with so-called "friends" who do this kind of thing and expect you just to accept it. She then did the classic thing of saying that it is unhealthy to be overweight. I told her that I had just had blood tests from my GP and that he said they were fine. She is about the same size as me and hasn't had tests from her GP. I am a couple of stones overweight and am size 12 (which I guess appears more like a 14 when you are short like me). Am I being unreasonable to think that she was out of order to comment on my weight like that?

Original poster

SatOnaHotTinRoof · 29/08/2025 00:14

childofthe607080s · 28/08/2025 08:43

Well it is unhealthy to be overweight however fine your blood tests

we have a problem talking about weight - something that kills people, something that costs the NHS billions , something that is a key part of the reason why we have the most unhealthy population in Europe with its direct knock on effects on productivity , the economy and the NHS , it’s costing tax payers a fortune - yet its soo rude to mention it

we need to grow up and lose our sensitivity
being overweight is bad
i know it’s fucking hard to do anything about
but not talking about it certainly won’t help

next time - use it as a opening to your general state of health and mind - why are you overeating/eating badly/not getting exercise. Why can’t you have sufficient self esteem that you prioritise your own health. Perhaps talking about the problems could help to solve them

I have no problem talking about my weight when it is appropriate to do so. I am not in denial about how much I weigh because I weigh myself. I have seen pictures of what I look like.

But I sense that my friend wasn't after the kind of conversation that you refer to. I really don't. I pick up that there was a negative intention behind her words and that is the issue. That is why I was so weirded out.

Ever since being around her I have started to feel self conscious in a way that isn't helpful. Despite your insistence on fat people needing a harsh reminder of their weight, I find that this kind of self consciousness is not conducive to weight loss. In fact it makes me want to overeat.

I am trying to get back to how I felt before because I think it is important to practice self acceptance while losing weight; weight loss takes time if done in a healthy way. I am not going to lose two stones overnight and in the meantime I have to accept and love myself as I am.

OP posts:

SomewhatAnnoyed · 28/08/2025 23:48

SatOnaHotTinRoof · 26/08/2025 21:22

She said she wouldn't have minded if I had said that to her, but I don't believe her.

Show quote history

So say it to her. If she’s the same size as you what the hell?!

Original poster

SatOnaHotTinRoof · 28/08/2025 23:45

Gwenhwyfar · 28/08/2025 14:28

But have you gained weight?
Big difference between being blunt and making something up just to hurt you.

I haven't gained weight since the last time I saw her and she admitted that. Perhaps what she meant was that the last few times she saw me she couldn't see my weight gain because of how I was dressed, but that she could see it in the outfit I was wearing that day? In any case, all your comments have helped to make me less preoccupied with it.

OP posts:

arcticpandas · 28/08/2025 20:24

SatOnaHotTinRoof · 26/08/2025 21:32

She actually did seem a bit gleeful, as though she was enjoying my discomfort. I started explaining that it was down to comfort eating, but i stopped when I clocked that enjoyment. It was weird.

Show quote history

She probably noticed that you felt good about yourself. She was jealous and wanted to take you down.

hobbledyhoy · 28/08/2025 15:04

It’s either a thought that’s come tumbling out her mouth before she’s managed to stop it and has doubled down to avoid embarrassment, or she purposely chose a comment that she thought would quickly deflate you and chip away at your self-esteem.

As she seemed to take delight in it, my money is on the latter. The fact that she never once mentioned you being slim when she talked about others in that way would suggest jealousy, a preoccupation with her and others weight and low self-esteem.

I don’t think this is a friendship I’d want to continue.

Jujujudo · 28/08/2025 14:33

The only time I think it’s acceptable to comment on the way someone looks is if you’re complimenting them. Weight is an awful thing to comment on to anybody. I’ve found that people who do that are usually very insecure about their own weight and are projecting. I’d have said to her: thanks! I feel very beautiful at this weight! Then not seen her again.

JHound · 28/08/2025 14:31

I would stop seeing this friend.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/08/2025 14:28

But have you gained weight?
Big difference between being blunt and making something up just to hurt you.

Visun · 28/08/2025 14:23

kleverklogs · 27/08/2025 08:28

The adult in me suggests you let this friendship fizzle, she’s not a true friend. Taking delight in another’s discomfort is a sign of horrible self-esteem, she’s probably a miserable person if that’s how she gets her kicks.

The bitchy teenager in me suggests that you use this as the fire to fuel your weight loss, make losing that weight your mission, put off seeing her for a while until you know you are thinner than she is. Then say how fantastic you feel, compared to before when you were like she is now, and give her loads of health advice and tips. 😈

If you want to take it to top-level bitchy-ness, invite her out and tell her you have to pre-order (common around Christmas). Encourage her to treat herself. When you meet, you’ll be eating a healthy salad while she tucks into a monster meal. But maybe that’s taking it too far…

Edited

Yes, the smart, healthy thing to do is ditch her and forget about her.

The petty side of me would want to lose weight and rub her nose in it. I'd also go in with the faux concern. "I don't mean to be rude, but it looks like you've found the weight I've lost!! Is everything OK?" 😈

MyLimeGuide · 28/08/2025 09:15

WonderingWanda · 28/08/2025 08:35

She sounds like a smug, judgemental twat who thinks that she is helpfuly pointing it out to you as if you didn't know already. Heaven forbid something happens in her life which results in difficult to manage weight. She's like those friends who smugly tell you their child sleeps through the night because they did x routine, or eats all foods because they followed x routine.....with no concept that it wasn't necessarily something they did, just sheer luck.

Or when women on mumsnet say, in response to someone in a bad relationship "my partner would never do that, he treats me like a princess and gives me everything" etc, those women are sooooooo annoying!!

MyLimeGuide · 28/08/2025 09:12

childofthe607080s · 28/08/2025 08:43

Well it is unhealthy to be overweight however fine your blood tests

we have a problem talking about weight - something that kills people, something that costs the NHS billions , something that is a key part of the reason why we have the most unhealthy population in Europe with its direct knock on effects on productivity , the economy and the NHS , it’s costing tax payers a fortune - yet its soo rude to mention it

we need to grow up and lose our sensitivity
being overweight is bad
i know it’s fucking hard to do anything about
but not talking about it certainly won’t help

next time - use it as a opening to your general state of health and mind - why are you overeating/eating badly/not getting exercise. Why can’t you have sufficient self esteem that you prioritise your own health. Perhaps talking about the problems could help to solve them

I disagree with all of this. She is size 12? Are you saying she is unhealthy and she must be humiliated by a "friend" to get her to lose weight? People know how big or small they are, fat shaming can have a HUGE impact on mental health, self esteem, it can cause eating disorders - lifelong severe problems.

childofthe607080s · 28/08/2025 08:43

Well it is unhealthy to be overweight however fine your blood tests

we have a problem talking about weight - something that kills people, something that costs the NHS billions , something that is a key part of the reason why we have the most unhealthy population in Europe with its direct knock on effects on productivity , the economy and the NHS , it’s costing tax payers a fortune - yet its soo rude to mention it

we need to grow up and lose our sensitivity
being overweight is bad
i know it’s fucking hard to do anything about
but not talking about it certainly won’t help

next time - use it as a opening to your general state of health and mind - why are you overeating/eating badly/not getting exercise. Why can’t you have sufficient self esteem that you prioritise your own health. Perhaps talking about the problems could help to solve them

yellowbuzzybee · 28/08/2025 08:43

Continue with your weight loss, top up with monjaro or whatever it’s called. When you see her next, say ‘woah, you’re looking like a real fatty these days’’

MyLimeGuide · 28/08/2025 08:43

What a mega bitch. You dont need this toxic person in your life OP, she sounds like a school bully.

WonderingWanda · 28/08/2025 08:35

She sounds like a smug, judgemental twat who thinks that she is helpfuly pointing it out to you as if you didn't know already. Heaven forbid something happens in her life which results in difficult to manage weight. She's like those friends who smugly tell you their child sleeps through the night because they did x routine, or eats all foods because they followed x routine.....with no concept that it wasn't necessarily something they did, just sheer luck.

IShouldNotCoco · 28/08/2025 08:27

She doesn’t sound like a friend at all. It’s rude to comment on anyone’s weight - whatever the case.

healthybychristmas · 27/08/2025 23:39

She chose to say this on a day when you were feeling good about yourself. That tells you something doesn't it?

suki1964 · 27/08/2025 23:24

MJMaude · 27/08/2025 07:55

Absolute nonsense. The photos you deleted were telling you this and you didn't want to hear it. Your friends raising your weight would have been no better received. The idea that people gaining weight don't know and need to be told is frankly ridiculous.

Show quote history

How is it absolute nonsense? I admit I didn't have, avoided photos and deleted photos so I didn't have to face it

Not one single "friend" pulled me up. Let me carry on in my cocoon of self denial

I wish one had the guts to tell me what I was hiding from

Do you not understand you can pull the wool over your own eyes, it often needs being pointed out to you

IdontgiveaFork · 27/08/2025 10:45

At one place I worked at a woman used to write down what I was eating . She was nasty to me in general and when I left the workplace she told someone that she was glad I had gone as me being so slim caused her stress every time she looked at me . Weight and body shape are a massive trigger for women .

dottiedodah · 27/08/2025 09:23

This reminds me of a thread recently of a lady who hadnt seen her friend for a long while ."Friend" sent her WW articles ,and said she was "worried" about how much heavier she seemed,than she remembered! I mean WTF! Im sorry OP ,but you need some new friends who arent bitchy.I think some women are still ,even though we are supposed to be supportive of one another .I could lose a couple of stone myself!(who couldnt?) but my friend doenst make nasty snide comments .She supports me .The other day I got into the lift .The lady coming out, smiled and commented that she liked my dress! Really gave me a good feeling (she was young with a baby and I am early 60s )Thank you if you are on here.

KiteFlight · 27/08/2025 09:11

I hate people who claim to “say it as it is”, I think you should have just said “funny you should say that, I was just thinking the same about you”.
I used to internalise peoples nasty comments, but now I look a bit closer at the person that’s saying the nasty comment - nasty comments hardly ever come from somebody who is perfect themselves.

ShodAndShadySenators · 27/08/2025 09:06

Willoo · 27/08/2025 08:23

Tbh I’d prefer to be told I was putting weight on as I can never see it myself

But OP was aware that she feels overweight. She didn't need to be told. Even if you don't weigh yourself you can tell by the fit of your regular clothes whether you're gaining or losing weight (or staying the same).

This "friend" of OP's is no friend, and with her lack of filter and social skills, she's going to end up with fewer and fewer friends. She seemed to just want to drag OP down for whatever warped reason she had.

I wouldn't be rushing to meet up with her again, nobody needs that kind of negativity in their lives.

MJMaude · 27/08/2025 09:05

Willoo · 27/08/2025 08:23

Tbh I’d prefer to be told I was putting weight on as I can never see it myself

Another person absolutely cannot see that you have gained weight before your waistbands tell you.

These justifications for "telling it like it is" (or isn't in the OP's case) are all so ridiculous.

Original poster

SatOnaHotTinRoof · 27/08/2025 09:03

Willoo · 27/08/2025 08:23

Tbh I’d prefer to be told I was putting weight on as I can never see it myself

But I haven't gained weight since she last saw me.

Also, I know when I have gained weight because I weigh myself.

OP posts:

JustMyView13 · 27/08/2025 08:58

You can quickly drop between 60-100kg (maybe more?) in weight by ditching her as a ‘friend’.