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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend wrecks dds room.

236 replies

Chickencuddle · 26/08/2025 16:41

Dd is 12 and has a friend who whenever she comes over wrecks her room in different ways.
Dd had her room painted and redone last year. This friend every time she comes over picks the paint off the walls. So everytime this girl leaves I go in and see big scrabs in paint etc. I've always just painted over and hoped it wouldn't happen again but this time I told myself it was the last time. And she did it again. She also sticks her chewing gum on dds furniture (there is a bin in the room)
Wish pop her squishes and break her toys and its an "accident" has also taken things before. No way to prove it but things go missing agter she has been abd she has shown an interest on these things previously.
Aibu to message the mummy about talking to her dd? I have spoken to her but only lightly and she kind of laughed it off and said "opps" then it happens again.

OP posts:
GasPanic · 26/08/2025 17:20

Your real problem is not the stuff getting destroyed.

It's the relationship your daughter has and that she is clearly very focussed on this other girl and where that might go and the problems it might lead to in the future as she clearly has issues.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 26/08/2025 17:18

Thanks everyone youre right I need to show dd how to stick up for herself.
I don't know about not allowing her to hang out with the friend as they go to school together and in same for. And classes and get lifts in and out together etc
Also this girl has been dds bestie since they were 4. They really are like sisters and so close. I'd hate to cause distress by breaking that up

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/08/2025 17:16

You need to stop “bf” coming round? Is it reciprocated? I bet she wouldn’t do it at home. The friendship sounds unhealthy as is your dd dependance on it.

MounjaroMounjaro · 26/08/2025 17:16

I would bet that her friend is the one saying she can't do anything without her.

BookArt55 · 26/08/2025 17:12

I understand that this is dd's only friend, but by allowing this girl to repeatedly treat your daughter's belongings, safe space and home in this manner you are actually showing dd that it is okay to allow people to disrespect her. Sit down with them both, lay the rules out that if damage is done then moving forward they can only be downstairs. When she does it again, because she will, you must follow through. Don't back down no matter what tears or strops are had.

Teach your daughter to respect herself.

ecology1989 · 26/08/2025 17:11

Just to add to other posts her, this girl is not your DDs friend! I had a “friend” like this when I was 8/9 who would scrawl all over my belongings and manipulated me to the extent she was my only “friend”. Summer holidays came and I realised she was bullying me and I was better off without her. I struggled to tell my parents this though. Reading your post brought it all back to me! Help your daughter get some real friends and support her getting some confidence to know her boundaries.

MasterOfOne · 26/08/2025 17:11

Whilst i get the difficulty with managing friendships at this age.... please please think about what you are teaching your daughter about future relationships, setting boundaries and recognising abusive behaviour.

You are not doing her any favours here by allowing this behaviour to continue in your home.

Maddy70 · 26/08/2025 17:09

You need to tell her off!

Isthathowlongitsbeen · 26/08/2025 17:08

You both need better boundaries!

This girl is not a friend, she’s a bully.

Your daughter needs to know that.

The risk is that she will spend the rest of her life equating boundary pushing and bullying with friendship and never establishing happy, positive relationships.

It genuinely is better to be alone and than with a bully.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 26/08/2025 17:05

Chickencuddle · 26/08/2025 16:44

She's dds best friend and really the only person she hangs out with

She's not a friend. Friends respect each other and their belongings. This girl just uses and abuses your DD in the name of friendship.

Ellie1015 · 26/08/2025 17:05

This is not the friend you want for dd. Work on finding new friends not how to tolerate this one. If your dd is quiet she is likely intimidated by her.

HouseTour · 26/08/2025 17:03

Why are you showing your daughter, time and time again, that she can have her room ruined??

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 26/08/2025 17:02

Erm, this is batshit, and really not normal behaviour. The teen years are still to come, if she’s this difficult now, imagine how it will be later.

I’d strongly discourage this friendship.

MrsLavs · 26/08/2025 17:02

Personally, I would message the friends mum telling her exactly what has happened and that because of this, the kids can only have meetups at her house or via a planned activity (NOT at your home). A 12 year old knows better, this is really odd behaviour

endofthelinefinally · 26/08/2025 17:01

This sounds like a really controlling, toxic relationship.
I would want to get my child away from this girl by whatever means possible.
Is it possible that she is controlling/manipulating your dd by telling her she can't do any activities or hobbies without her?

Laura95167 · 26/08/2025 17:01

Chickencuddle · 26/08/2025 16:44

She's dds best friend and really the only person she hangs out with

Your DD would benefit from new friends

ComfortFoodCafe · 26/08/2025 16:59

Message the “mummy”? shes 12 not 4! But yes, just ban her from coming in your house.

Motnight · 26/08/2025 16:59

ns87 · 26/08/2025 16:57

That best friend sounds awful, is she nice to your OP? Wrecking her room is horrible.

Totally agree with this. Your DD is learning that it's ok for a friend to destroy her things time and time again.

Cam1981 · 26/08/2025 16:59

If you’re not going to be brave enough to say the friend can’t come over then they do not go into her room. Come on op you are the adult

Imaybeoldbutstillrandy · 26/08/2025 16:58

Oh - and chewing gum is confiscated otherwise you will be picking it out of your carpet, from under the coffee table etc.

I don't get this thing about chewing gum - this constant masticating must be a Gen Z thing. 🙄

fruitbrewhaha · 26/08/2025 16:58

She is no friend. If you told her she was no longer welcome, you’d be showing your daughter that she shouldn’t put up with nasty behaviour from her so called friends. You’re being a pushover and teaching your dd to be the same.

herbalteabag · 26/08/2025 16:58

I would tell the friend that if it happens again she will not be able to come round any more or they will have to play in the garden. Sometimes you just have to be direct or they don't get the message.

ns87 · 26/08/2025 16:57

That best friend sounds awful, is she nice to your OP? Wrecking her room is horrible.

TearsForFears25 · 26/08/2025 16:55

12 is old enough to know better. To be behaving like that in secondary school is embarrassing. I’d be messaging the mum or parent and saying you won’t allow her to come to your house if it carries on.

FunnyThing2 · 26/08/2025 16:55

Maybe just keep them in the kitchen with you?

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