Friend wrecks dds room.

I wouldn’t stop her coming over if she’s your DDs only friend but I would say to both of them that they’re not to go to her room any more as there’s always some damage when they’ve played together up there as you can’t trust it not to happen again.

Id be worried she is bullying my DD as she’s so shy and I’d want to keep a close eye on them

It would be better for your daughters self esteem (this is a life long lesson) that you show her not to tolerate this and have higher standards. One day she will be in a relationship and from what you have said be potentially easily manipulated by someone who could be toxic.

Your daughter's friend is abusive. Your daughter has her "friend* over, friend wrecks her room.

Stop that in its tracks. She is not allowed in your home. Her time with your daughter is monitored. Personally, I'd end this " friendship" and I'd tell the mom about the destruction of your daughter's room and things and things going missing.

I would definitely speak to mum, if you do want her over again she’ll think she can keep getting away with it.
Id word it carefully too as her dd will probably deny, tell her that you dismissed it as an accident/being careless first few times but keeps happening and it’s not fair on your dd

I suspect this friend will be controlling as well. My daughters both struggled badly with friendships but no friends is better than controlling, nasty friendships. This girl is behaving appallingly and she needs to stop.

No not okay. I wouldn't have her round unless they're in common area where you can see them and explain why or let your DD go there if you're happy with that. No issue with telling the parent but in terms that she can't come over again because of this unless you're assured it won't happen again but it still might.

Either tell her off properly or don't invite her over again. Tell your DD that good friends don't destroy your property or disrespect your home.

maybe you could tell your dd to not let the friend in her room anymore? Or (preferably) suggest your dd should cut ties with this friend and try and find some new friends?

She isnt a real friend then. Its time to tell your dd that real friends dont break things, damage the paintwork, refuse to use the bin for chewing gum and possibly steal things from her/her home.

She does not enter your house. You make it clear to your child that she is not allowed in.

If and when her parent/guardian asks why then tell them.

Protect your child by being the bad guy which means your child doesn't have to be.

It was her own typo that she was correcting.

OP, this girl is not a friend, she is bully. Your daughter would be better off without her, but I realise that's tricky to enforce when they're in the same class.

But if you continue letting her come to the house you need to do a lot more than 'speak to her lightly' . Under your supervision at all times, and if she misbehaves she gets a proper telling off and sent straight home.

Why do you think the friend is acting this way? Is it a control issue? It takes some serious wilful misbehaviour to deliberately do damage in your house when she has been told not to, that suggests confidence that there won’t be any consequences (with the usual ND caveats). So she’s either defiant or not a nice kid. Your daughter is old enough to understand this and may have an answer for you.

Is your daughter panicked at the thought of losing this friendship or just desperately shy? The confidence that this girl is displaying suggests that she may be in control more than you might like and actually have your daughter in her thrall, out of fear or long habit. I may be way off base, but something about this situation would have me worried.

Again your daughter may be adult enough for you to voice your concerns to. If she does overreact to the thought of anything threatening their friendship that would be a red flag to me. If not I would be getting very firm and having a blunt conversation with the two of them to say no more damage, chewing gum etc or they won’t be allowed upstairs again and that you will be speaking to DF’s mum if it does.

A friend of my children’s does this (he’s 7 though) so they aren’t allowed to play in their rooms with him. If you’re worried about the rest of the house, meet in the park.
Just say to the mum that things are getting damaged during play dates and you can’t keep repainting.

This friendship sounds really unhealthy. She won't/can't do anything without a girl who trashes her room and breaks her stuff on purpose? These are 12 year olds, not toddlers. It's fucking weird behaviour for a 12-year-old to repeatedly wreck things on purpose in other people's houses, and it's worrying that your DD is so in thrall to this girl that she won't do anything without her and puts up with her stuff being wrecked.

If the little arsehole did that once she would never be back in our house no matter how friendly the two were!

You sound like a doormat and your DD is clearly going the same way. It's better to have no friends than one who steals from you and bullies you! Set some boundaries.

I wouldn't let them alone in the room until friend grows up and can control herself.

You're not doing your daughter any favours here. It seems that your personality is rubbing off on her. You are allowing a child to disrespect you and destroy your home, is that the role model you want to be? By the sounds of it she's already got a level of control over your daughter.

You don’t need to break up their friendship!

But you do need to take action. Talk to your daughter, get her take on it first of all. Does she realise what’s happening? Is she upset by it? Does she have any thoughts on what’s driving this behaviour? Are equivalent bullying behaviours happening elsewhere? In a social, not material, sense maybe? (Could there be a link to why she’s so isolated and reliant on this one friend?)

And then you and her need to establish some boundaries. Ideally, given that you describe her as “like a sister”, sit this friend down (with her mum?) and start a conversation about what’s happening. Or you could call it out clearly and firmly when it happens again.

If addressing the issue leads to the breakdown of their friendship then it was never a friendship to begin with.

The girl might move, change school, decide she prefers another friend.

I'ts not doing your own DD any favour by not getting her involved in different friendships anyway.

It was probably a typo. I bet even you make mistakes sometimes and you're so very clever and important.

Agree stand up for yourself! Get your daughter to laugh and be confident about herself in this situation too. This other child is so ignorant and disrespectful she doesn’t know how to behave. She doesn’t deserve to come to your lovely home! How dare she be so horrible. If she was a true friend she wouldn’t behave this way! No more invitations, no time together until the girl can prove herself. Meantime get her signed up for some clubs, classes, girl guides whatever to expand her circle. Otherwise you’re setting dd up to be a complete doormat.

Saying Opps! like that in response to being asked why she's damaged something is really taking the P.

That sort of behaviour towards your DD, sounds like the Friend is ... either a) asserting her dominance over your DD, or b) a bit jealous of DD's nice room and belongings... (hence trashes the paintwork and nicks what she fancies.

She's not a friend. She's walking all over your DD and thinks she can influence her.

It's difficult because you want your DD to have friends but this doesn't sound like a great friendship for your DD. I'd also bet that she discourages DD from hanging out with other friends because she wants to be in charge.

Not sure what the answer is, other than discourage this friendship (gently) and insist they stay downstairs and encourage your DD to make better friends.

OP, I remember your older threads.
Please, please teach your dd boundaries and how to recognise abusive, controlling relationships. You are looking at one right here. If you are having difficulty recognising it you need to get some counselling asap.

This. No need to go telling her mummy.
Just say ‘look Sandra, do not pick any pain, break anything or stick gum anywhere in Amanda’s room because I’ve had enough of it!’
Job done.