Friend wrecks dds room.

I'm sensing that the problem is as much her lack of respect and your concern about the healthiness of the friendship as the paintwork?

Does it make you feel clever to call a child - a child who is not here to give her side of the story - a "little brat"?

If you'd get deleted by MN for calling a poster on a thread a name, the fact that MNers get away with saying this kind of shit about kids is practically just encouragement at this point.

Whether you contact her Mum is up to you, but I would recommend not doing it by text. When something like this plonks into people's inbox they get defensive. When I was a manager I had a rule, "No bad news by e-mail", and I continue that today as far as possible. Phone her up (maybe if you have to, drop a text first to ask if you can have a chat) and then you can set the tone of the conversation.

I can't believe you know the extent of the bullying and control this girl is inflicting on your daughter and yet you do nothing and actually facilitate the "friendship" (which this absolutely is NOT) continuing on.

No more time in DD’s bedroom and tell her why. It’s totally unacceptable behaviour and she is doing it deliberately. Protect your DD from this girl - I bet what you have seen is just the tip of the iceberg.

Also this. Is there anything you watch or read together about friendships when one person behaves towards a character how the friend behaves to DD? She might get it if she sees in happening to someone else.

Your DD would be better off without friends than being forced to be a doormat by this little brat. You need to make an effort to separate them, then get her to activities without the toxic friend.

Sounds like major jealousy to me. Are her parents ok? Does she have her own stuff or do they struggle?

definitely nothing wrong with addressing with her mum but I would miss out the stuff going missing if you don’t want the relationship to sour. But to say that she’s been damaging things like the paint is fair enough I’d say.

I'd tell her friend off myself. Hi X, what happened here? If you don't stop picking the walls and breaking DD's stuff I'll be sending your mum and dad a bill. Anyone can have an accident and that's fine, but when it happens on more than one occasion it starts to look careless or even deliberate. DD's friends are always welcome, but only on the condition that they are reasonably careful.

That’s a tough one then, I think you need to put your foot down with DD, explain that this is not healthy behaviour. You said she wouldn’t go to groups without this friend but then said she ruins the groups for her. I’d go back to try and broaden her horizon through hobbies etc

Your child needs a new best friend.
Your child will grow up to be the sum product of who they spend their time with. And she will be enduring friends behaviour too.
Id be explaining to my child why this child isn’t a good friend and encouraging her to play with others and avoid this child.
Probs not the popular opinion but teaching my child to respect herself and have good quality friendships is my priority and should be yours here.
Don’t put up with it.

With this extra info, you need to speak to the school and to the leaders of any hobby groups. This is clear bullying and needs to be stopped.

If possible get your DD into other groups, and give her strict instructions to not tell her "friend".

Just read your update. This girl is breaking your daughter’s confidence. She is not a good friend in any form. She uses your dd as a follower not a friend. Tell dd to distance from her and help her build up confidence and work on her anxiety issues. Such friends are damaging in the long run.

Apart from the immediate problem of this spiteful vandalism and theft committed against your daughter, she is extremely vulnerable socially if this girl abandons or turns on her as they often do at this age.

Please prioritise sitting down with her and emphasising the importance of widening her circle of friends. It’s crucial and would be very good for her. At 12 she’s surely mature enough to understand that a little courage now (if she’s anxious) will pay off later. If not, it’s something you both need to work on.

Come on woman, I cannot actually believe you cannot deal with this without having to ask for advice! Speak up and tell her and your daughter in no uncertain terms that this does not go on. You are letting these 2 children walk all over you. God help you in a few years time if you cannot deal with this.

“The mummy”?

I'm wondering this as well. If she doesn't respect the daughter's room and her things, is she actually nice to the daughter? Is the daughter putting up with it because she doesn't have other friends?

So you're encouraging a toxic relationship with someone who doesn't listen to her and breaks her stuff.

Translate that to her future relationships.

It is better to be alone than to be in relationship/friendship like this.

It's much better for her mental health in the long run to do it.

These things have life long impacts, they shape "attachments" and willingness to absorb abuse.

Two possibilities
either this kid is controlling and bullying like everyone else says or she’s ND and a trail of accidents just follow her (definitely possible if your shy DD has her as an only friend) my own ND child picks paint and destroys blinds and doesn’t mean to, it just is unconscious stimming, he also breaks every squishy he owns often within hours of getting them and is very upset about it. Tends to leave a trail of destruction in his wake. This isn’t uncommon in some ND kids and isn’t malicious but does need managing and support from parents.

Meet her outside the house in future.

But the best friend has no respect for her space. I doubt she treats your dd as her best friend.