Friend wrecks dds room.

How can you not mean to pick paint off the wall? Of course she means to! And you earlier said that she then does things when your DD isn’t looking. This is an ideal opportunity for your DD to stand up for herself.

You also said that your DD complained that this girl was getting wind of clubs DD was going to, then joining herself and taking over. So - find new clubs that are similar, or get DD to say she’s leaving but then go back? You both sound passive TBH.

You need to address this toxic friendship - she's bullying your daughter while pretending to be her friend, and your daughter seems to understand this, as she says that when her friend joins in activities your DD has started, that she spoils them. She isolates your DD from other possible friends, she won't even let your DD sit beside her in a group, and then she's being spiteful and wrecking your DDs room. She's not your daughter's friend, your DD is her victim.

I think you need to talk to the school and let them know whats happening, so they can split the girls up as far as possible - different groups in PE, not doing projects together etc. They'll have seen it before.

I think you should talk to the friend's mum, and let her know that you want your DD to make somr new friends, so you think it would be best if her DD doesn't do whatever class/hobby your DD is going to join. Probably no point in telling her how her DD has been behaving, she may not accept it.

You need to support your DD to grow away from this girl, or your DD could easily end up in a more abusive relationship with a boy, as she's learning from her friend that's her feelings aren't important, and that a toxic friendship is better than nothing.

I suggest scouts for your DD, they've well run, inclusive, build self-confidenve, and the kids who go tend to be nice.

They just can't hang out in her room, you'll need to supervise in your house.

Yabu to let it go on this long - firdt time it happened id have read the riot act and told the mum.
you need to call or message the mum and say to the mum they can only play at her house or the park as you are sick of your house being damaged. Its been going on for ages but the girls are friends blah blah

Separately - urgently and immediately help your dd make other friends this kid sounds like a total dick.

At 12 I'd expect my DC to speak up as it's happening and tell the other DC not to do it. Especially picking at paint and sticking chewing gun, those things are clearly not accidents and picking paint would be quite obvious to others in the room.

Don’t invite this child again, simple.

She sounds like some of the girls I've taught in the past when I worked in schools. I would make lovely wall displays for the books they were studying and they would tear bits off and flick them onto the floor. When they were caught doing it and asked why, they'd just shrug and say 'why not?'.

There seems to be an attitude of 'I feel like it and I don't care if it's mean and deprives other people - you can fuck off.'

I'm not sure what you can do about it (just one of the reasons that I left mainstream teaching!). They don't seem to be bothered and if their parents (the ones who care) try to reason with them or withdraw privileges, they go mad and trash their homes.

I can only say please, please keep encouraging your daughter to try new things and find other friends. I know it's hard but this girl's influence will not be in her best interests.

What does her mum say when you tell her what her dd has been doing?

Sounds like she's in a coercive relationship.

This girl is not your DD’s friend! I quoted your post above because it confirms what I guessed when I read your first post. This girl is a bully who’s chosen to ‘be friends’ with your DD so she can torment her and have a little meek follower (probably because this girl has no real friends due to her nastiness).

This girl purposely wrecks your DD’s room and breaks her things because she knows DD won’t say anything. It’s a power trip for her, probably motivated by jealousy too. What’s shocking is that you haven’t said anything or banned her from your house. You’re teaching your DD to be a doormat.

Tell this nasty piece of work she’s not allowed over to your house anymore; text her mum explaining why; and help your DD get out of her clutches! You can start by telling DD not to tell the girl any new clubs she’s going to. Then gradually move on to assertiveness. That will stop this girl in her tracks because she won’t be expecting that from your DD at all.

Your DD’s confidence should increase if you can get her away from this girl, and help her find new friends.

This 100%. It will be painful but please help your daughter extricate herself from this bullying relationship and help her learn her own self worth. It's an important lesson to learn at this age.

they are 12 and don't always have to meet at home. can you encourage them to meet outside more esp now in the Summer? Or send DD over. At 12, this absolutely is not normal behaviour for a child without additional needs.

Banned from upstairs, non-negotiable.

No more chances, from now on they dont go to your daughter's bedroom. When she asks why all you need to do is neutrally remind her about the paint and the chewing gum, why would you allow it to happene again?

Quite honestly, you'd be doing your DD a favour by ending this "friendship ". Its not a friendship, is it? It's creepy, bullying, manipulative behaviour. Does your DD have some additional needs, by any chance? She does sound a bit vulnerable. I would keep encouraging her to go to different groups, and even put up with the battles to get her to go.

Do you check her phone regularly?

Ban her from the house. That behaviour is not acceptable.

She's not a real friend. How long you know someone doesn't make you great friends. It's the quality of the friendship.

This. OP have you managed to get out of your own abusive relationship? Does your dd have contact with her father? ( If he is her father, I can't remember).
I am seeing a lot of red flags here and I am really concerned that you have allowed this friendship to go on for so long.

Horrible little kid doesn't respect you or your daughter, therefore no longer comes into your house.

I’m saying this gently but your daughter needs help to get out of this friendship. She is so used to the abusive behaviours that she sees it as normal. She is being set up for abusive relationships in the future as she will feel that it is all she is worth.
it’s difficult that this is her only friend, but it sounds like this is due to the friends behaviour not your daughters. You say she is quiet and shy, but is that due to the behaviour of her ‘friend’

Of course she hasn’t wrecked her own toom OP. Why would she?

I believe she is not a friend at all but rather your daughter is her plaything to do as she wishes. She decides who hangs out with her, mistreats her and ruins your daughter’s things.

The attitude of the mum is shit too. I would be mortified if my DD did this to any of her friends and would make sure it does not happen again.

You are being permissive and the friend feels she rules the rooster.

Speak to your daughter and encourage other activities where this so called friend is not involved

TBH I can’t believe you haven’t banned her from your DD’s room already.

Help her expand her friendship group. This is not a true friend, it is someone your DD is hanging out with as she hasn't a stronger connection elsewhere. Do everything you can to help her develop confidence, social skills, boundaries, interests so that she can meet some nicer people.