Friend wrecks dds room.

Op there's a good book called "bullies bigmouth and so called friends" perhaps buying this and some other books on fake friendships, toxic patterns etc would be useful for your DD and you to read together.

Perhaps tell her although you understand she's not confident and loves this friend, she NEEDS to broaden her friendship group otherwise you'll have to consider asking the school to move her into a different form ?? Emphasise how it's not healthy to put everything into one person and well rounded people have friends from all different circles

Girl guides or pony club would be nice. And don't tell her the details of the club so she can't tell her friend lol

OP, I was raised in an abusive household and have two teenage daughters who have significant vulnerabilities when it comes to friendships. I was like you for years. I saw red flags, I felt uneasy and unhappy about certain things, I knew the friends behaviour was wrong. And I didn’t know how to deal with it, and I didn’t have the confidence or assertiveness skills to draw reasonable boundaries.

I recently had to sit with my 16 year old and unpick the situation, and apologise for not protecting her. My youngest has recently started having similar issues and I have immediately drawn the boundary - that girl is not allowed in our house. Even if she never made another friend (but she quickly did), that girl would still not be allowed in our house. Actions have consequences, a good lesson for the girl in question and a good example to my children that I have learned how to protect them from the mistreatment of others.

Please, please don’t let this girl continue. I found therapy very helpful in recognising what I had been victim to, and in how to start standing up for myself and my children.

You need to model the behaviour you want to see from your daughter. That starts with not allowing that little madam to trash your daughter’s room. Stand up to her and put her in her place and ensure she knows that because not acceptable. Ban her from the bedroom and tell her why. Behaviour continues, she gets sent home.

If you want your daughter to stand up to a bully, you need to do it first.

You probably just dropped a bomb on your kids friendship at a critical development time.

This childhood to teen phase is the point where friends tend to make or break (often break and many just fizzle out) but if ignited by a 'fall out' it can easily swing from friends to enemies... my WORST bullies in my teens had been previous friends.

All you had to do was not have her in the house.

This is infuriating. OP your DD doesn't know what she wants, she's a child who is being abused by a bully. It's your job to make those decisions on her behalf.

It screams of some kind of neurodivergence/developmental delay

Does it though? The child leaves her own freshly-painted room untouched. It’s just DD’s room she spoils.

You've posted to ask for the solution, then have been provided with the very obvious solution and now you're just arguing about it.

It's your house, say she can't come over anymore, or accept that your DDs things get broken. She's clearly not able to stand up for herself, so it's your job to do it for her as her parent.

Don't have her in your house... simple.

the first time any child came in to my house, vandalised my kids bedroom, broke her toys, and stole her stuff, would be the last time that child ever set foot over my threshold.

Then look at moving schools and allow your child the space to grow into someone who can make new friends without this child driving a wedge into new relationships

Have you spoken to the girls mum at all? Not clear if you have.

YABU based on your inability to stop this child coming to your home

Your DD is being bullied by controlling acts of distruction.

So you need to get her involved in group activities so she can hopefully lean to make new friends.

And you or another adult need to supervise this child while she is in your home.

Sorry you going thru this OP. My first thought was she was neglected child and clear she not materially but even so this child isn't well or she acting out here in a really toxic way. She sounds spoiled rotten in the old sense of the word - toning down the friendship is good for your dd and the club behaviour is outrageous. Could you sign your dd up for something and decide not to tell this bully girl? I think you need to. And im with the posters who said speak to the child yourself. Id warn her you watching her and she can sleep at home if she going to do this again. Step in here and model to your dd what calmly asserting a boundary looks like
Good luck xx

You need to step up here and protect your DD from this abusive relationship. That’s your first job as a parent. As it is, you are condoning this abuse and your DD will be damaged.

Deep down you know it, OP - this girl is not your DD's best friend. Best friends don't try to isolate you from others, destroy your things or take over your interests. Friends welcome you into their circle or friends, or introduce you to others they know have something in common with you.

I don't think a person who is horrible is better than having no one your own age around to play with. Your DD will either make new friends or, with ongoing gentle encouragement, hopefully get back into attending clubs/activities she's interested in (don't tell anyone else she is going, so the group can't be taken over by the bratty and domineering 'best friend'). If not, she'll simply do things on her own.

No. She won't have any bullies round. You need to look at this relationship more clearly.

Is changing schools an option?

Her "friend" sounds like a toxic little vampire and I'd move hell and high water to get my daughter away from her.

It sounds like she doesn't even particularly want to be friends with her anymore, she's just being prevented from making other friends and this horrible girl has sucked away all her confidence.

Op, I've just read your updates and this girl is BAD NEWS! Speak to your DD and speak to the school. It sounds like this girl is isolating and controlling her. My DD went through a similar thing though over a shorter time period and it was awful. The school were amazing and have continued to be amazing and the girl is not allowed to speak or approach my DD now.

Wondering also if your DD has any diagnosed or undiagnosed neurodiversity which is making friendships more challenging. Maybe she knows this girl is awful but something feels better than nothing. You really need to break this dynamic up - don't get all nostalgic about they've been friends since they were 4. This is a toxic relationship and your DD is absorbing some terrible ideas and habits around friendships that she needs to shake off asap. Contact head of year or pastoral or someone at the school and go in for a chat.

Sorry if I seem a bit full on and maybe I am projecting but I've experienced first hand how damaging a bully disguised as a friend can be xxx

OP i think I remember your username. Its possible your daughter is affected by all the stuff that went on with your ex. Does she have help to process it all?

Hence why you need to focus on helping her build new friendships not prioritize an unhealthy relationship with this girl.

I can see why you're finding this tricky but you are the adult here and it's your home.
My children can have whoever in the house whenever they like (within reasonable hours) but only as long as they respect our dc and our home. It sounds like this friend does neither.
In this case I'd give the friend a warning that if they can't leave dds room as they found it then they won't be able to visit anymore - and stick to it.

"Also this girl has been dds bestie since they were 4. They really are like sisters and so close. I'd hate to cause distress by breaking that up"

From everything you've said she's a really bad influence on your DD and it really looks like she could cause your DD even more distress if you allow it to carry on.
Stop referring to her as your DD's "Bestie" or "like a sister" and "so close" that implies a loving and loyal friendship which this isn't. Words matter. Those phrases create expectations of how the relationship should be, which is confusing for your dd (not your fault btw just the way it is) She's actively stopping her from making other friends for one thing.
Think of it as "conscious uncoupling" to allow your DD room to breath and make other friendships and develop her own likes, talents and opinions without this Friend dominating and influencing her all the time. It sounds suffocating.

Kids change all the time and knowing someone since they were 4 isn't a guarantee that everything is dandy.