Friend wrecks dds room.

Next time DD's friend comes over tell them both that you will bring some snacks out into the garden as when they are together in DD's room the paintwork is trashed.
Insist that they stay in the garden or the kitchen.

Your DD doesn't want to confront her friend so you be prepared to be the tough guy, Op.
Protect your home and DD's space.

I agree that friend is no friend but is toxic.
You can ban her from your home and you can take steps to have attend another school and take up new hobbies with new contacts.

I have voted YABU

I’m sorry OP, but I have found your thread a particularly distressing read. The update about how your daughter’s life and relationships with others is controlled is awful.

You have allowed your DD to be continually exposed to this controlling manipulative BULLY since she was 4 years old.

You have missed so many opportunities to sort this out when they were much younger and you had more control over the situation.

You are clearly aware this girl is a bully from all your posts and bizarrely on here, you are describing her to us a your DDs best friend. Why? I find it completely odd.

I don’t know why you don’t have any confidence or the ability to stand up for your own child and take action. I expect you have suffered abuse yourself in the past and you have my sympathy.

However, please don’t pass your behaviour down to your DD. It is terribly dysfunctional. Protect your child. It is your job, even though it is hard.
It is only going to get harder.

Good news is this is solve-able, (because you are an adult and they are still children) even though it is going to require some drastic action.

First step is simple. Stop referring to her as a friend on here. Practice it. It will help with your own mindset.

Your DD is better with no friends at all than this bully who is systematically breaking her confidence piece by piece. You won’t know the worst of it.

Please do her a favour and move school. Your DD will thank you (probably not even too long into the future). And do it very quickly to minimise the bullying and escalation that will happen in the interim from this girl. Go into the school in confidence (do not tell your DD) and explain exactly what has been happening and ask for help. Ask them to move your DD to a new form in the interim. Do not back down from moving her.

From today, do not allow her back in your house (personally, I wouldn’t bother with the parents now, this has gone way past that). Protect your DDs safe space.Show your DD that you have boundaries and can protect them.

Presumably at 12, you have full control over your DDs phone? You know where she is at all times through find my phone?You have full sight of what she is looking at on her phone? Once she leaves school, block the bully.

Get your daughter to a therapist.

💐

That's the understatement of the year.

If one of my friends' mothers had told mine that I had repeatedly defaced her property I would have been grounded until I was old enough to vote. My mum would have had me ironing shirts at 20p a time for the next 6 months to pay for new paint.

The behaviour of the friend's Mum is belittling and dismissive " oops" is far from satisfactory. So give the same effort back without drawing up a conflict but do it in the same communication mode as the other parent. I had a similar issue with my own child where the other parent would not take accountability nor responsibility for their child's behaviour.

Yeah. Your daughter thinks an abusive friend is better than no friend and you've reinforced that mindset for years by putting up with this bullshit.

Your daughter is in an abusive relationship. You're also being abused by having your home wrecked and things taken.

You're showing your daughter that it's fine for friends to wreck her living space and take her stuff. What kind of mindset do you think she's taking into relationships? An abusive man is better than no man.

You separate these kids. Other kid is banned from your home. Your daughter does other activities. They get separated in school.

This is toxic.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I think they are already at secondary school.

"I have enrolled her in things she refuses to go without said friend now. Previously she went without her but friend found out and wanted to go. Dd is anxious about doing anything without a friend "

I don't think she is anxious about doing anything without a friend. I think she is anxious about doing anything without The Friend... because Friend found out she was doing something without her and then turned up to the theatre club and ruined it for your DD..
I think this could possibly be because The Friend really leaned on your DD and said that she was not allowed to leave her out of these clubs or she wouldn't be friends with her anymore. Your DD is very worried about ending up with no friends. That seems to be quite clear from several posts. Is she very worried about starting secondary school?

Schools try to put some people from the same primary together in secondary but if you ask they will move them. You don't have to tell DD or the Friends Mum that you have done this either. But I think it would really give DD a chance to breath. And also find an excuse to cut back or cut out all the mutual lifts, it may be handy but its further cementing the friendship.

Huh? Why would you "giggle" to "sweeten the ban"?

That is entirely the wrong message. Giggling is what this girl and her mother have done every time the OP has said, "Why did you damage my property?"

The message the OP needs to send should be the very opposite of sweet, otherwise it will not get through.

The message is, "Your daughter is not welcome in my house anymore because she's a little delinquent with no respect for my or my daughter's property and every time I've mentioned this to you you've acted like it's funny, which is no doubt why she is the way she is in the first place. Aside from damaging our property and stealing my daughter's things she deliberately tries to stop my daughter from making any other friends or doing anything without her, which is toxic and unhealthy. I don't want them to be friends anymore."

Her daughter already has no friends, because this girl is not a friend and she is stopping her from making friends with other people.

Her only chance of making some friends is going to be getting away from this horrible child.

The chats or speaking to this girl are not working. Time for some subtle action. And please do not try to blame your youngster 50/ 50 for damage. ...it lies with the other person s behaviour

Then your daughter is vulnerable to this girls behaviour. Intervene and don't allow her over to visit...." we don't put gum on furniture " ..." we don't damage walls"....with a little giggle to sweeten the ban. yYour daughter will see how to deal with disrespect when she sees you demonstrate it as she cannot manage it herself until she is taught it through seeing it. When she ses you empower yourself she will mimic it. Short term sacrifice will be dealing with poor " friendships".

I think you need to try harder with your DD to get her involved in clubs - encourage, cajole, bribe, we all have to get our kids to do things they don't want to.

And if you don't want her 'friend' to go with her, tell the friends mum you want your DD to be a bit more independent.

Your DD would be better off with no friends that this girl, and you need to try to resolve this, as she can't.

PPs have suggested moving school, or at least moving class in her current school - I think you need to consider these options, and you definately need to let the school know there's a problem.

Contacting the other mum about messing up your daughter's room is a start, but you need to do a lot more.

She is not your dd's friend. Friends do not behave this way.

OP, I was your daughter all through primary and until around year 9/10 (age 14-15). My “best friend” was controlling, constantly talked down to me, insulted all of my interests, made constant jibes about my looks and intelligence, and slowly eroded my confidence over the years. She would get involved in any other friendships I had, triangulate, and ruin them. Every single club or activity I did outside school, she’d join and ruin for me.

When we started secondary school, she was initially placed into a different form to me and I was actually really happy and confident for those first few weeks, making new friends and feeling popular for the first time ever. Then she had an epic tantrum, and her mum demanded she was moved into the same form as me, despite there being a group of lovely girls in her form who had been really kind and tried to befriend her. School was never the same after that, she meddled in the burgeoning friendships I’d made, turned them against me and befriended one of my newest friends and used this friendship to treat me badly. I’m not sure exactly what happened, perhaps it was just a natural maturing but at around age 15 I made a new best friend who saw right through and hated my BF and so couldn’t be “stolen”, and she finally lost her power over me. I just no longer cared what she thought.

Reading your posts, I feel really sad for your daughter as I know exactly what she is going through and she’s probably not quite mature enough yet to remove herself from this friendship on her own. I never confided in anyone how the friendship affected me, and I’m not sure my mum even knew. But you know, and you can do things to help her.

Is she in the same form as this girl, if so, can you request that she be moved? Are there any other nice kids she could become friends with away from the influence of BFF?

Do you have any friends with children of a similar age, who go to different schools, that you could potentially meet up with?

How does BFF find out about these clubs your DD signs up for, does your DD tell her? If so, I’m not sure how you can stop her from doing this, you could try and have a chat to her about keeping any new hobbies to herself if she is amenable. But maybe try and find a club that she is interested in and speak to the leader and explain the history of this toxic friendship, that BFF has a habit of following DD to new clubs in order to ruin it for her, and you want her to have an opportunity to explore interests and grow confidence away from her. I have no idea if it’s even a thing a club can do, but you could ask if they can effectively “ban” BFF from joining, citing numbers/lack of space.

Unfortunately your DD won’t move on from this friendship until she realises that she can have other healthy, happy friendships away from BFF. Hopefully this will happen sooner rather than later, but my toxic friendship has affected me for my entire life. Even now in my 40s, I battle with feeling of inadequacy in friendships and believe deep down that people don’t actually like me.

OP, if I were you I would sit your DD down and say this.

"She deliberately defaces your room so that your lovely personal space isn't lovely any more. When told not to do it she laughs like it's all some big joke. She damages and steals your things. She's the only person you have to hang out with because she won't let you be friends with other people. I've tried to get you to do different activities without her so you can make some new friends, she's weaseled her way in and spoiled your enjoyment of them, and destroyed your confidence to the point where you admit that she ruins things for you but you also don't want to do anything without her. This isn't healthy. It's not how friends behave. I don't want to take away the only friend you feel you have, but she is not a real friend. She is someone who brings you down, when real friends build you up. I don't want you to hang out with her all the time. I want you to make some other friends. Now if her behaviour was less extreme, I'd say just branch out a bit, make some other friends, she can still come round now and again as long as she's not the only person in your life. But frankly I don't want her in my house anymore because she doesn't respect our property, and I don't really want you to be with her all the time at school anymore because she's actively trying to stop you from making other friends. Ideally I think the best option for you would be to move to a new school and leave her behind completely. You'd have an opportunity to make new friends with nice girls who don't engage in this horrible toxic behaviour, as well as new activities outside of school which she wouldn't always find out about and try to ruin. Alternatively I could speak to the teachers about you moving to a different form, but I'm worried that won't get you far enough away from her to give you the fresh start you need."

@Lucy2586 Apology accepted.

"This friend every time she comes over picks the paint off the walls."

Don't let this beast through your front door ever again.

There's lots of books for teens and tweens about confidence, standing your ground, seeing abusive relationships, I would invest. If you have the money I would also consider some counselling to build her confidence and ability to see these unhealthy relationships. I'd take her places, keep opening her up to new experiences and offer to do it more if she enjoys it. I would also demonstrate in front of her at every possible opportunity how to strike up a conversation wjth a coffee shop in a queue, or how to tell her calmly but firmly that her behaviour is too acceptable so she almost has a script to use in her own life and sees how to do these things.
I'd also carve out time every week, say a Saturday, where phones go away and you do things together without this friend. She needs to spend time away from the friend, otherwise she spends all week at school and then having her round the house. I'd also see about inviting one of the other girls from the friendship group round, or to go out and do something and explain to your daughter it is okay!
Boundaries- I think you need to put some in place, and your daughter needs ro be taught about them too. Or, and i means this kindly, your daughter may end up in unhealthy romantic relationships in the future as she simply doesn't understand healthy boundaries and relationships- her whole life has been this overbearing girl and it is obviously taking it's toll on her.

Sometimes, OP, you have to be the parent.

She needs to get away from this horrible girl, even if she doesn't think she wants to.

YABU - message vandals mummy and tell he that her little darling is no longer welcome because of her consistently vile destructive behaviour

I totally understand I had the same with DD until last year. I fall out wasn’t great but I’d rather it happen sooner than later. No kid needs a frenemy. She’ll probably get worse as she gets older this other child.

No I’m saying it’s good to be snappy, you just need to enforce that into real life. You need to stand up to people. You need to teach your daughter it’s okay that she does things without her. What will you do about college courses or sixth form or whatever, does she have to do everything that this girl does and with her? It’s better to have no friends, than have fake friends.

Don’t allow her into her room again. She’s not a friend, she’s jealous. I’d be discouraging it tbh.

No I apologised, I know it’s the norm in Ireland.